Directionally Challenged

Second to last day of the diet!  I've already bought my reward.  That's what you call, being proactive!  It’s sitting, petrified, in my desk drawer as we speak.  As you read what I've typed, I mean.  My head's stuck in clouds of cocoa while my feet dangle in a river of flowing chocolate right now.  It knowwwwwws.  HA!  My reward knows that soon it's going to be melted and have the life sucked out of it.  Better than being chewed into non-existence, don't you think?  And that's its job anyway, so I don't feel an ounce of guilt.   It gets paid to pose on a shelf, look delicious, be admired, hungered for and drooled over?  Until it's picked up, felt up, gently unwrapped and then....(insert own chocolate eating session ending here)!  I could think of worst jobs!  It's like a lingerie model with no feelings!  Or face.  Or breasts.  Or anything that I have!  All it is, is a Cashew and Coconut Cadbury Chocolate Slab!  And in two days, it's going to be a Cashew and Coconut Cadbury Choclate Slab that...was!  Like that kiddies story book!  The little something that was.  Can't remember now.  I know it was something that kids like and it moves.  Train or................................................................no? 

The Little Engine that Could!  Oooooooh man!  I was wayyyy off on that one.  :-{  Ay!  At least you know, I'm honest.  I’m looking at the backspace key right now.  I could've easily just hit it and acted like I got it right the first time!  It’s directing me to the left.  I’m sohhhhh bad at directions.  The worst!!  I’d accept directions though, gladly!  And with oodles of hope and confidence that my brain will react differently to street names and turns, this time.  But, I switch off after you tell me to take the second left turn.  Even if you didn’t tell me anything about a second left turn.  Whatever turn.  Turn down.  Turn straight.  Reverse forward!  After that second instruction?  I’m not listening to a worrrrrrrd you’re saying.  All I’m thinking about is why the hell did I agree to go to this place.  Thereafter, I’m just talking about, “Okay” and “So that’s after the second left turn, right?”  and “Thanks, I got it now!” ?  I’m mouthing those words just out of courtesy.  It’s always good to be courteous when you know you’re about to be lost.  Kind of a balancing out the feelings method!  I taught myself that.  Gimme a moment…jusssssss…okay!  Gave me a little pat on the back for teaching myself such a useful lesson! 

And I give them as well as I take them.  So, if you’re lost.  Don’t call me, don’t email me, don’t text me, no smoke signals, nothing because your status will not change.  There’s a huge chance that you will be worse off than before I gave you my version on how to get to where you're going.  I’m like a giant ad for why it’s essential to own a navigator.  Meanwhile?  On foot?  Overseas?  I’m a neon, flashing sign for how good a navigator can get!  But only if I’m walking with you.  On-the-job garmin.  Actions speak louder than my words when it comes to directions.  I just suck at directions.  L  That’s the cold, hard truth.  

We all can’t be good at everything.  I can drive.  Well.  As in very good.  I don’t need to know directions, very good, on top of that!  That’s why now?  I point blank refuse to drive to places I’ve never been.  And if I have no choice?  Then I drive to that place I haven’t been, very angrily!  Even the music gets put soft.  Hmmmmmm-m!  When the music gets put soft, you know!  She's angry!  Getting lost?  It’s just a spirit breaker!  Who invented getting lost?  I'm sure it was Murphy again!  Makes you sad and confused and believe that some giant, vicious animal is just going to come out of nowhere in the dark to attack you.  Doesn’t matter if you’re driving around a suburb!  Doesn’t matter if it’s daylight too! 

I should direct myself towards these carrots right now.  Rambling Responsibly makes me hungry.  I’d be lying though, if I told you that it makes me hungry for carrots. O_o!  Who gets hungry for carrots, in winter?  Only Bugs Bunny! 

Ghostly Gasps

Is it just me or does it feel like something or somebody is being a thief in the night?  Mmmmmmmm?  Mmmmmmmmm?!?!  Pinching hours of our sleep time!  Whyyyyyyyyy?  You can't build...a...a day?!  Pinch bricks!  You can do something with those!  It's as though we're awake for twenty-three hours and then asleep for one!  For some of us, that is true, and why would you do that to yourself?  Insomnia is no excuse!  You just like to go against the grain, don't you?  But for others, it just feels true.  I know I didn't fall asleep at 4am this morning!  It was still yesterday when I fell asleep.  Today is yesterdays's tomorrow.  On yesterday's tomorrow, I feel sohhhhh tired!  Like I told Geese?  There's something very wrong with sleep:awoke ratio!  So whoever is in charge of that?  Kindly correct it.  NOW!  Pleaaaase?  (eyelash flutter)!

Yes, I'm whining like a tied up four legged animal...or person, because I'm asking why a lot of times, and you whine when you ask something that starts with a "wh", like where, what, when and ofcourse why...that's how the word, whining, came about!  Like, "Whennnnn are you coming back, I miss you sohhhh much?"  Or. "Wherrrrrre can I buy more sleep time from, I’m still sohhhhh tired?"  Even, "Whyyyyyyy did you say my ass looks big in these jeans, now by law, I can’t speak to you for a week?"  But only if you say the "wh" words in a dragggggggging, nagggggggging fashion accompanied by a frown and on the verge of tears sadness.  Get it? 

Can't believe you didn't know that?!  SMH!  Where have you been?  I know, I know!  Same place as me ‘cause I didn't know that either.  I thought it up right this minute, and it sounds valid.  And you know what that means, don't you?  Yep!  All I need is for it to sound valid for me to take my word for it!  And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  I shudder to think of myself as a teacher!  Not sure if mine would be considered good hands to be in!  Far as correct information.  And following what the textbook says.  I’d be sued on an on-going basis!  By the department and parents alike! 

Parent:  “Grrrrrrrrr!  Did you teach my daughter that if it sounds right, then it IS right?”

Teacher Stacey:  “who me?” 

Parent:  “yes!”

Teacher Stacey:  “Is there something WRONG with that?”

Parent:  “But the textbook says that Mandela was in prison for 27 years?  No 72 years!”

Teacher Stacey:  “I was having a bad day.  I knew it had a 7 and a 2 in it…I just forgot the order, so I taught it as I remembered it.  The man is free, what’s the big deal?  Least I’m not a lazy teacher.  I still teach.  Even if I happen to have forgotten all the facts.”

Talking about teachers.  On the way to school today, Damon starts telling me about what happens when a person is born with a veil?!?  "Ma? Do you know that ghosts are real?  People born with a veil can see dead people.  My friend’s aunty can see dead people on the road with things coming out their face?!?"  And if you’re walking on the road late in the night and you hear something?  You mustn’t look back, because it may be a black ghost, 'cause the good ghosts are white and the black ghosts are the demon ghosts and if they slap you, you'll die!"  I must have aged seven years, just in the time he took to tell me that.  As he went on, my frown lines reached levels of depth that my forehead has never ever experienced! 

I opened my mouth.  And, initially, nothing came out.  Until I finally said?  "WHOOOOO the hell is telling you all of this rubbish!!!!"  He says, "In Catechism class yesterday, we were learning about ghosts!"  More frowning and open mouthed gasps!  O_O!!  I had to do some damage control here!  Think on my feet!  No, on my ass, ‘cause I was driving and I don’t stand and drive!  So, I just said the first thing that came to mind, “Damon, number one?  You shouldn’t be walking on the street late at night.  You should be inside  (he giggles in agreement)…so no ghosts are going to be slapping you!  Second?  You believe and have faith in God?  You don’t have to worry about ghosts of any colour!”  

I then proceeded to tell him that my sister was born with a veil and she sees us.  Not ghosts.  I then told him that being born with a veil is a special thing but it doesn’t mean that you can see ghosts and dead people but he was adamant about his friends’ aunty.  Nothing I could do about that!  His friend must have been wayyyyy more convincing that I was.  I did tell him too that some have said that if you come home after twelve at night, you must walk into your house backwards.  His amused reaction to that?  I think I was successful in showing him that there is too much he said, she said, that he sees, she sees, going on!  

Millennium Moments

Well?  I've pondered, just like I said I would!  And came up with the fact that we’re just about pass the first half of the year!  2012!  That's a fact!  Time seems to be breathing down my neck.  I really don’t know why.  Not like I’m turning forty in four months!  It’s like, ponder?  Time.  Ponder?  Time.  Time to ponder?  I ponder time!  About time my mind pondered something else more exciting.  I’m going to have to have a word with my mind.  And I’ll be firm about it too.  

Do you remember how farrrrrr away the year 2000 felt when we were growing up?  Not only that, I think it was thee most commonly used, sarcastic answer too!  Someone ask you something and you would purse your lips and say, "Mmmmm, yeah, maybe in the year 2000!”  And then when the end of 1999 rolled around?  I was 27 years old and all the warnings were flying around about “take your money out the bank” and shit?!?  Did any one of you fall for that?  Did you run to your bank, withdraw all of your cash and keep it in a plastic bag under your mattress or in your bra or something until the coast was clear?  I have one word for you.  It begins with a “Foo” and ends with a "l".  That was a tad harsh, I know, but true nevertheless!  You know the saying.  “The truth is never a lie.”  I just made that up, so no, I'm sure you didn't know the saying!  And if you were nodding?  Then you were lying.  And that's the truth!  I’ve been a fool many a times.  Nothing to feel shameful about.  Foolish moments are had by alllllllllll at some point in their lives.  Even ants, when they stroll around in front of humans as if they can.  Sure, they can, but they act like they can get away with it!  Pfffffft! When I went downstairs yesterday, I was watching an ant trying to pick up a half a peanut.  It was struggling and had no support whatsoever.  It's buddy's were milling around and not lifting a finger!  Tempted as I was to end its misery, I left it to overcome the challenge and thought, "If this is one of their little Ant Survivor episode's, then all I'm gonna be doing is taking out mayyyyybe one of the stronger contestants.  Rather I let them get to the voting part, 'cause everyone needs a fair chance at walking off as the winner!  If I was a Survivor contestant, I wouldn't want a dinosaur coming and trampling on me while I'm struggling to carry a log!"  So I walked off, the bigger person for not trampling an ant hugging a half a peanut!

I was disappointed though.  Our millennium celebration was nothing to document in the book of amazing millennium celebrations.  I bet you there’s a book!  But, I did have a yearning.  I was in an Empire State of Mind.  My heart fluttered at the thought of flying away to a city of bright lights…that inspire you.  I longed to be made to feel brand new by streets.  Be enveloped in a concrete jungle where dreams are made…oh.  My soul yearned to be squashed like a Sardine in the middle of Times Square.  They looked as though they had a celebration worth being included in the book!  They always do!  Celebratory bastards!  E-v-e-r-y-s-i-n-g-l-e New Years Eve, it’s the same!  Watch tv.  People in Times Square having the best time! 

But I blame the stars and planets too!  They were supposed to be doing something magnificent, other than just…sitting there!  Bored and boring!  At least we didn't just sit.  We could have because we all had lounge suites! But we chose to walk around.  It’s a choice!  You sit.  Or you walk!  On the Eve of the Millennium!  Even if it was just to Aunty Di’s house and back…to sit on her lounge suite a little bit and marvel at the fact that we're alive and the year 2000 looked exactly the same as December 31st, 1999!  Each one of us, at some point, were gripped by the fear of, “Will our money still be in the bank in the morning?”  At least, we were one up on the outer space community!  They didn't even look like they were marvelling!  That's just not on!  You mean to tell me that all of ET's lineage couldn't think up a way of making us look up and point in awe at the little bright lights in the sky, in the form of 2000?  You mean, their fingers can light up and they couldn’t use it to our eyes’ advantage?  The stars could have done that too, but they didn't care.  They might have discussed it and the head star was like, "Our jobs are to shine and twinkle!  That's it!  There will be no formations and extra shimmering.  You know the budget doesn’t allow for that?!?!?  As.  You.  Were!"  So the junior stars sighed and slouched their shoulders and just went back to hanging around each other!  Twinkle, twinkle.  Talk about not going the extra mile?!?  Tsk, tsk, tsk!    

What were you doing as one 1999 turned into 2000?  I need some ideas for when 2999 turns into 3000.  No way am I spending it walking to my aunts’ house!    

Happy Father’s Day!

Happy Father's Day to all of the Dad's out there.  I sound like a Facebook status, uuuurgh!   Won’t happen again, I promise!  Not forgetting the mads.  The mom's who are dad's!  Whoop whoop!  Double gift!  I wish too!  Doesn't exactly work that way but still, I do hope that you were appreciated in some kind of way! 

Speaking of family.  I was driving away from the mall before the soccer grounds yesterday and two cars away from where I was parked, was a hatchback car with its boot open.  At a mall?  An open boot?  I dunno about you, but I'd expect to see parcels or if you just got there?  Outdoor chairs, umbrella or something?  No-no!  No-NO!  Today?!?  On Fathers Day?  There was a car seat.  With a little boy sitting in it!  Looked about three or four!  Sad.  :-(  I'm assuming he was sad because he wasn't smiling.  Plus he was stuck in the booth of his parent's car.  That wouldn't impress me either.  I'd be asking myself why I was born. 

Maybe he didn't wish his father today?  I dunno, it could be anything.  And it was anything………but right!  At least, to me.  Look, he didn't appear uncomfortable or breathless, or like "help me help me" or nothing.  Boy was chilled...but without the pimp smirk.  Unless the parcels go on the back seat and the kids go in the boot in that household?  Unless before I happened to turn my bandana'd head to the left, his dad had brought him from the back seat, in his car seat, to the boot?  Because his dad was standing right there.  Maybe he was attached to his car seat?  Like some kids are attached to a teddybear or a blanket.  Trying to imagine a kid hugging their car seat in bed?  Change positions, and BAMMM!  Knock their head against the hard plastic….painful attachment!  

If you have a baby, try to discourage that.  Push for the teddybear.  They make for better pacifiers.  And friends.  Car seats can’t talk.  Only teddybears can.  Could be that he was mad at his parents and he wanted to sit in the boot so he didn't have to look at them.  Needed time alone to relfect on why he was born.  You know how your parents get so mad at you, “Go to your room, I can’t even look at you right now!”  Kids have those moments.  They’re human too.  Even though some of you call them animals.  And ask them if they were born in a barn because they didn’t close the door after they went outside.  I was almost born on a freeway.  That’s why I feel so attached to the road.  Whenever I’m driving, I always do my utmost to stay on it.  Even when I’m walking.  I have to touch it with every step.  Each family has their own way of doing things, I guess.  Those are the most logical things I can think of as to why that boy rode to the mall in the car boot.  And I use the word, logical, as loosely as I possibly can.  If I used it any loosel-ier, LOL, sorry!  But if I loosen it any more than I already have, it would fall off this page.  And the TV is too loud right now for me to think up a word of my own so…

While we’re on the subject of things not being tight?  My clothes are getting loose again.  I’ve conquered the second and last day of that vile spinach.  I was clever this time though because I didn’t want to waste half of it like I did the previous time?  I made a little bit.  Like I was explaining to Geese?  If I cooked annnny less of it?  I’d be stirring an empty pot.   Don’t get me wrong, I love spinach.  On a normal day.  When oil can be used.  And chillies.  And garlic.  Have you tried to soften or brown onions in water?  Not cool!  Not cool at all!  That’s why someone invented oil!  They knew how cool it wasn’t to cook with water!  I could just kiss that person right on the top of their bald head!  I envision a bald-headed person to have invented oil, don’t ask me why.  I know.  I should picture an oily person because it makes more sense, but I don’t.  Not everything in life makes sense.  You will learn that as you grow up.  Hopefully.  But if you invented oil and you’re reading this, and you have hair?  I’m sorry.  My intention was to share my vision, not to offend. 

Seeing as we just celebrated Father's Day?  What's your fondest memory of your dad?  One of mine is that he made sure to bring us something sweet and fattening every single Friday when we were growing up.  We couldn’t wait for him to get home on a Friday!  I blame him for me having a mouth full of sweet teeth!  Good blame but.  Not bad, grudging blame like "Youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" and grinding teeth!  Not that kinda blame!  We called our Friday treat, "whatsabought".  Ay, don't look at me with that "huh?" expression.  I'm clueless on how that name came about, or whether it did because we didn't know how to speak proper English?  That would be badddd but to my knowledge, our English was fine.  We just knew it as “whatsabought” and as such, called it that.  When in home, do as…so?  I think I may just investigate its origin though.  Pretty sure I won't find my answers on Google, else I could just tell you right now.  One things for sure?  It had to have been my mum!  That's something you can expect from her.  Anything, funny, tricky or mischievous?  Follow the trail and it will lead you straight to her.       

Annnnnnyway…it’s time for me to love and leave you.  For now.  I hope you missed me this weekend.  And if you didn't, that's okay.  I missed me getting up on here to Ramble Responsibly.  One is always better than nothing.  Don’t get it twisted now, that doesn’t apply to chocolate!  But that would make me self-missed.  'Cause I missed myself.  Would that be considered an out of body experience?  Hmmmmmm?  I’m going to go and ponder on that for a bit...

Chief of the Jungle

Next week this time?  I will be approaching the finish line with the diet!  Soon as it hits midnight, I fear for any chocolate that might be lying around…in my bag…that I may or may not have bought earlier on in the day.  I’m going the whole nine yards.  I’m even gonna act surprised that I found a chocolate in my bag!  As easy as this diet is…it draggggggggs out the days.  If I was eating normal, it would already be the end of June by now.  I don’t know if you wanna take that as a lesson and just don’t ever go on diet or..?  Or not diet on a Monday so that the day can fly by?  Unless you’re on vacation or something and you need time to practically stand still, then the 13 day diet is just the thing for you!  You will lose weight while not growing old fast. 

Now you understand where the term “Time flies when you’re having fun” comes from?  On a normal day, when I’m unwrapping a chocolate bar?  Whoooooooooooooooooooosh!  Don’t even taste the chocolate!  Don’t even remember I had a chocolate.  Or if I did, I may be hunting down the house pet thinking it came and snatched it right out of my hand!  That’s how fast time flies.  I have fun eating chocolates.  And cakes…And chocolates...And mannnnnnn?  Why am I doing this to myself!

Breaking news.  This news broke my heart, for real, for real!  We now have a new Chief of Police.  “She served for three years as a non-executive board member at Absa, South Africa's biggest retail bank, and before that spent several years as a senior executive at state-owned rail-freight firm Transnet.  Most recently, she oversaw a presidential committee looking at the efficiency of state enterprises.”  Uhhhhhhh-huh?  Okie-dokes!  So?  What does a person even say to this?  What are you saying to this?  I am at a loss for words!  Just like she is at a loss for experience.  We already have a wicked crime problem right?  Yes?  Agreed?!?!?  Okay, just checking that I’m still sitting at my desk in SA!  Best our president could do after he fired Cele was to employ someone with NO experience for the worst possible position in which toooooo have no experience?  That was the best?  There was no retired Army General sitting at home just waiting to make sure some arrests were made to clean up our streets?  I don’t believe you!  Aaaaaargh!  Talk about an epic fail!  I would throw my hands up in the air in frustration right now?  But then I wouldn’t be able to keep typing.

Forgive my negativity.  It’s a negative sign to me.  I’m positively negative.  Two negatives don’t make a positive.  It actually does, but I’m drifting.  Negativity causes me to drift. And you know what this means, don’t you?  We can allllll apply to become chief of police when the position is once again available!  All you need is to be able to?  Breathe.  And be a person.  I saw all the animals running towards me like, “Breathe?!  Did you say breathe?!?!  That’s it!  That’s all?”  I just knocked the wind out of them with the person specification.  They’re all feeling rather negative too right now.  Sorry guys…Chin up!  I’m sure the jungle needs a chief of police too. 

http://www.iol.co.za/news/crime-courts/sa-puzzled-by-first-female-police-chief-1.1319301#.T9spPBdzV6I

Winter Bias

Must a persons foot get itchy while cutting carrots at five in the morning with boots on?  Annnnnd Murphy?  Says, "Why, yessss!"  Nevermind that I did three washing loads, and it decides to rain >_< !  It's like when your eye itches after you've chopped up chillies.  And forgot.  But make a cup of tea?  Eye's are glossy and gleaming!  How did these become known as Murphy's Law?  Does anybody know that or who this person is that keeps making life so uncomfortable for humans?  And has someone thrashed him yet?  Don't all the Murphy's run and hide now, I'm not putting a hit out on you, per say.  But if we can't find the lawmaking Murphy?  It'll just be Murphy's Law that you were given that name.  Sommmmebody has to pay for all our burning eyes and itchy boot covered feet!  As embarrassing as it is to admit, I used to think, when I was very young, that shoes shrunk.  I never for a minute thought that our feet grew and that that was the reason our shoes didn't fit after a while.  Nobody told me otherwise.  But then again, I wasn't very vocal about it.  Thankfully.

And I now understand why some animals hibernate in Winter.  Why wasn't I born a bear?  It woulda been traumatizing for my mum and dad, ofcourse, but still.  These are my feelings we’re talking about.  Meanwhile?  We're not the ones covered in fur but they get to hide and go sleep for three months when it’s cold.  Hmmmpf!

Imagine it!  Stand up quickly.  Look a bit to your left, highhher...highhhhher, put your imaginative face on…now point as if you're pointing to somewhere far.  Okay, thatttttt's it.  Now we’re in character!  Imagine being able to just eat yourself into a coma?!?  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  What a life!  I would drink from chocolate fountains.  Eat two kilograms of pasta at one go!  An ocean full of grilled chilli prawns would be at my mercy…and I’ll have none…no mercy…not no prawns!  Eat twelve of those chocolate mousse cakes Russia brought when I was visited Geese!  Consume just crazy portions of my favourite foods.  Because I can!  And nobody will see me when all of that goes to my hips…but?!?  I shall sashay out in Summer after I’ve eaten my own fat while I was asleep.

That's what they do.  Hibernate is another word for coma.  For real!  I’ve researched it.  For real.  Because they eat and eat and eat and then just before they have that last humongous meal?  They push their trolleys full of Winter-Eve food from their forest grocery store, go and hide so that when they've eaten that last meal…eaten themselves paralyzed, they can just lay in that cave,  or wherever they went to "hibernate", burping and rubbing their tummies and then?  Fall into a deeeeeeeeep sleep.  Then their bodies feed off their own selves.  The fat selves of their body's.  By Summer time?  They’ve lost all of that Pre-Winter weight.  Then they walk around naked…fur all exposed and shit. 

If every species under the sun could do that, including us?  The universe would just be silent, for three months, except for the odd burp and random moan as you change positions.  But you won't know that you're changing position, 'cause you’re hibernating, comatically.  Annnnnnd here come the word police again! 

Officer of the word:  “Miss Rambler, we’ve let things slide up to now….but records show that you’re a repeat offender!  We’re gonna have to take you in.”

Miss Rambler:  “With all due respect, Officer?  I don’t moan when you guys just go around wasting letters.  Using them when we don’t even need to pronounce in words?  We could have had a few more words in the dictionary if you didn’t abuse the “h” or the “p” like you did!  Even the poor “t” ” 

(Sister Lynn jumps out of nowhere: “YES!  Tell’m…and I WANNA KNOW RIGHT NOW!  RIGHT NOW why there is a “p” in pneumonia!”)

Officer of the word:  “Weren’t you the one who told to my fellow lawman that you shouldn’t get a speeding fine because you were only driving at 120km/hr?

Lynn:  “Maybe.”

Officer of the word:  “Weren’t you the same one who was going wayyyyyy above that but then tried to pretend as if you weren’t?”

Lynn:  “m-maybe.”

Officer of the word:  “Should you be jumping out here and demanding things like this then?  After you insisted to him that you were going 120km/hr, only because you THOUGHT the speed limit was 120km/hr?  But then you had to quickly eat your words once he told you, “All well and good ma’m, but the speed limit is 100km/hr?”

Lynn:  “Was exercising…not jumping…I just happened to…jump, I mean exercise and start yelling about words and stuff near your’ll.  Funny huh?  That you guys were also talking about words.”

Officer of the word:  “Mmmmm-m!”

Dietary Requirements

Day 3 was good!  Especially dinner!  Grilled chicken and salad.  Lunch?  Like I was telling Wendy yesterday.  This diet, along with weight loss, very cleverly causes you, on a daily basis, to begin at least one sentence with, "You know, there's only so much..." Because for lunch, part of the meal was green beans.  As much as I can crunch on a few raw green beans when the opportunity arises?  It doesn't arise often and it's normally in passing.  Like when I'm passing through a very dark, dreary, sugar free tunnel.  The tunnels name is "On Diet."  An entire bowl?  Nnnnnnnnnnnnn!  "You know, there's only so much..." 

So?  Seeing as it’s midweek, what have you got planned for this weekend?  Limited calories also cause me to ask these deep, thought-provoking questions!  I have another babyshower, but I’m not gonna say it.  You’re gonna start thinking that I’m some kinda babyshower-attendee-for-hire or something.  Just to make the room look fuller.  So, and like my mum says when she starts a story and knows she’s dying to tell you the rest but shouldn’t…”Ay, I rather shut my mouth!”  And then waits.  For someone to say, “You can’t start a story and then just say that??!?”  That’s allllllllll the coercing that she needs.  And she calls me Lester Loose Lips.

I’ve had many requests on Facebook for a copy of this diet, so I thought I would copy it here for whomever else wants to try it but are too afraid to ask…LOL!  Just a few suggestions before I go.  I have two slices of wholewheat bread, I know it seems as though you’re allowed to eat an entire loaf if you want but…don’t do it.  I know it’s tempting, especially for those people who tend to be technical.  I see you already, buttons popped open, full as a python, pointing at the page and yelling, “It said as much as you want!”  And then the carrots and cheese, I steamed the carrots in water in the microwave with salt, once it they were softer than hard, I sliced the cheese on top after I drained the water out, and melted it in the microwave, it was reallllly tasty.  The grilled chicken tastes good with salt and pepper and sliced onion, just add the onion before it’s almost cooked.  The spinach?  I let the onions soften in a little bit of water, COUGH, and added the spinach, COUGH, salt and pepper…best of luck with the spinach…CHOKE, hold your nose closed and just swallow if you have to.  That really is the only thing I struggled with so far.  And in all honesty, I can already feel a difference in my jeans.  And ofcourse there was the ham that was trying to beat me in a test of wills.  And I’ve learnt from that mistake…my choice will be chicken when they use that slash between the two!  Good luck everyone!

THE DIET

Due to the strength of this diet, it is recommended that you plan it so that you do not have any big events planned during your next 13 days.

The best starting time is on a Sunday, which only gives you one miserable weekend.  This allows you to lose a minimum of 9kg’s, only if it is done strictly.  From the 14^th day you can start eating normally again, without putting on weight for three years because the diet has altered your metabolism.

Eat you whole-wheat bread with only a scraping of margarine.

Please note that you need to drink a minimum of 2 litres of water per day.  The purpose of this diet is to change your metabolism, with the result that after this diet you can eat normally again.  Please note that this is not a traditional crash diet, but a diet to change metabolism digestion as it continues to work after 13 days.  If the diet is followed in a strict manner, you should lose all excess body fat, between 9 – 20kg’s.  This diet must be followed for 13 days only – no longer and no less.

If during the 13 days you consume 1 beer, 1 glass of wine, one piece of chewing gum or any extra food, you might as well stop this diet because it becomes pointless and the diet will have no effect in this case, you may try again after 3 months.

If you have followed the diet perfectly for 13 days, you must not repeat it under any circumstances before 12 months have passed.  It is recommended that this diet is repeated every 2 years if so required.

NO MILK OR SUGAR IS ALLOWED.  You may use Sweetner, Lemon Juice, Onions, salt and pepper.

Day 1

Mon              BREAKFAST : Coffee (as much as you like, no milk and sugar)                                   

                     LUNCH : 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach (as much as you like)

                     SUPPER : Grilled Steak/Chicken (as much as you like)

                                                                                                                                                            

Day 2

Tues              BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled Steak/Chicken, green salad (cucumber and lettuce) and quality fruit 

                     SUPPER : Ham/Chicken (as much as you like)

                                                                                        

Day 3           

Wed              BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : 2 boiled eggs, tomato salad and green beans                                               

                     SUPPER : Ham/Chicken and green salad

                                                                                                                                                            

Day 4

Thurs            BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Cooked/Raw carrots and cheese (as much as you like)                                 

                     SUPPER : Fruit Salad and natural/plain yoghurt

                                                                                        

Day 5

Fri                 BREAKFAST :  Carrots with lemon and coffee                                                              

                     LUNCH : Grilled white fish and raw tomato                                                                 

                     SUPPER : Grilled Steak/Chicken and salad

Day 6

Sat                BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled de-skinned chicken (as much as you like)                                          

                     SUPPER : 2 boiled eggs and carrots

                                                                                        

Day 7

Sun                BREAKFAST : Lemon tea                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled Steak/Chicken and fruit (as much as you like)

                     SUPPER : Anything you like (not even on the menu) (sensible meal)

Day 8

Mon              BREAKFAST : Coffee                                  

                     LUNCH : 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach (as much as you like)

                     SUPPER : Grilled Steak/Chicken (as much as you like)

Day 9

Tues              BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled Steak/Chicken, green salad (cucumber and lettuce)                         

                     SUPPER : Ham/Chicken (as much as you like)

Day 10

Wed              BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : 2 boiled eggs, tomato salad and green beans                                               

                     SUPPER : Ham/Chicken and green salad

Day 11

Thurs            BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Cooked/Raw carrots and cheese (as much as you like)                                 

                     SUPPER : Fruit Salad and natural/plain yoghurt

Day 12

Fri                 BREAKFAST :  Carrots with lemon and coffee                                                              

                     LUNCH : Grilled white fish and raw tomato                                                                 

                     SUPPER : Grilled Steak/Chicken and salad

Day 13

Sat                BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled de-skinned chicken (as much as you like)                                          

                     SUPPER : 2 boiled eggs and carrots