I Did It!

We all get tired, you know, the way humans should
When battling back and forth with our own attitude
With the constant questions of why me's and when will's
'Til we empty of the happy 'cause the misery's filled

Little by little it eats us from the outside in
Where even the reflection in the mirror blurs to a dim
Makes us wonder if our day of redemption will ever come
But something inside still tells us that we gotta hold on

Desperate to feel normal again, to block out the blazing noise
We try, we fail, we get back up, not turning deaf to the voice
That soft one within us that keeps telling us to fight
That it's not over until that voice leads us back to the light

Each day, with it's needling of, "you're gonna be okay"
We wake so much stronger than we did on that yesterday
And when that strength is enough, we decide to make pain our bitch
To grab it by it's collar and make glory the snitch

Force it watch us dance and triumph in gratitude's melody
So that it knows it has no place in any part of you or me
Fight, everyday, fight against noises that resonate in your spirit
Fight, fight right now, 'til you shatter that mirror with, "I did it!"

(c) 2015 Stacey Kell
2015.05.24
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Thinking Out Loud

Wanted to share this with you. I tend to think out loud on Facebook and I haven't been defriended yet so I'm thinking that they might jussssssss appreciate the two cents that comes outa my thumbs. And that motivates me! It motivates me to keep thinking out loud. Like Ed Sheeran. Except his motivation comes from the millions and millions that he made off of that beautiful track!

I do try my best not to talk shit. At least not too much of it. We all should, I think! A world of less shit talking is appealing, don't you think? Let's all think for a minute...........................it's motivating..........................................I'm thinking. That's what all those dots mean. Thinking about chocolate and the way that loadshedding makes me drowsy. It's like they're brainwashing us to go to bed at 8pm. I'm onto these mofo's! WTF kinda bullshit tactic is that?!? If they threaten us with a tax increase, I'm sure we'd all sleep by eight. Like an electricity curfew. I wish someone could wash their brains so that we can at least pretend to have things in order over here.

This status update been lingering in my mind ever since I posted it, I guess because it hits home with me and I'm thinking too about the fact that over the past weeks, for some reason, I've been receiving outa the blue messages and having face to face conversations that have reinforced for me the fact that whatever little or whatever much I've said to or done for some of the people around me, it's mattered to them and made a difference to them. That's a good feeling right there. It motivates me. Eh, lotta motivation going on up in this bi---a-hem---i mean, place.

Life is surely strange. When you least expect appreciation, you are blessed with it. It kinda erases that bitter feeling of having done more than you ever should have for others, only to have them tell you or pretend that all you've done was take and take from them and gave nothing back. Yo, wacha gonna do? it is what it is and all that does is illuminate the truth. The truth that there are allllllll types of people in this world. And without a doubt, we will cross paths with the good, just like we will, the bad.

Don't let the bad deflate you though. Don't let those who soon forget your efforts to make difference in their lives cause you to stop trying to make a difference to others'. If that's "who you are", it's a good "who you are", don't change the positive parts of who you are for the negative parts of who they are, ever! The other way around, yes! By all means!

Today, my mum and dad are married for 53 years. Fifty! Three! Yearrrrrrs! I would have loved to have been married for fifty three years but my life plan didn't include a fifty anything marriage, which is fine! I know it has something equally significant planned for me!

Anyhoooooo, this is what I wanted to share with you.

"So much emphasis is put on trust in relationships, not nearly enough is put on respect for each other. Depending on where we are emotionally and psychologically, we're easily able to put all of our trust into a man/woman who doesn't have a lick of respect for us. Does trust in that situation make for a successful relationship? Nah. It makes for a temporary relationship. Once there is shift in our emotional state...? Once we begin to heal psychologically and the conversation that we have with ourselves goes from, "This is all that there will ever be for me" to "This can't be all that there will ever be for me," we learn that we don't have to accept one OR the other but that we shouldn't accept one WITHOUT the other. SK"

SK, by the way, is not code for "suck knees". They are the initials of my first and last name.
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Her Day!

Happy Mother's Day to my one and only beautiful spirited mum!


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Good Enough @JussieSmollett

I listen to this song on repeat because I love lyrics that mean something and well?  In my dream that will never come true, I'm a singer hahahahahahaha!  I'm not laughing at me...I'm laughing with you! Hehehe!

Seriously though, there have been times in most of our lives where, to someone in our world, this is all we've ever wanted, whether child to parent, woman to man...friend to friend.

I think Jussie's voice is simply amazeballs!  It took me hearing him just one time to become a fan!  Was playing Conqueror in the car on Friday and my mum was like, "Is this Michael Jackson?"  I didn't turn to her....not out of rudeness, but I wassss driving and more importantly, I was singing.  Dunno bout you but I can defiantly start a track all over again if it's one of my favourite's and someone decides to start a conversation.

So I shook my head and replied while singing, "--------Up and then dowwwwwwwn, going in circles tryna get to where you ar-rrre---------------'No-no, this?  Is the one and only, Jussie Smollett!--------everybody's been counting you out, but where are they now?  Sittin' in the same ole place just faces in the cro-owd!"

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, I owe it to all smile lovers out there ......his?  A sky full of sunshine right there and from everything I've read about him thus far, he has a heart of gold too....

Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDp_jmkPbiQ

Old Folk Routines

As I sat there? Legs unconsciously curled under my ass on my mums sofa...which, by the way? See? All the women in my family start out sitting all proper, with their legs either crossed or both feet on the floor and at some point? Onnnnnnnne by one, you find their bodies leaning to the side, you know like they're balancing on one ass-cheek only and their legs look like they're sorta sweepy-leaning on the floor on the outer edge of their foot? Yeah!

Next thing you look? One leg-----or both! Are curled strategically on the couch, and I say strategically because everybody has to be comfortable, right? Even if there are six of them on a two-seater sofa and you feet are partially under your cousins ass.........it took yearrrrrs of practice! Passed down from generation to generation! Booty-leg-curl boot camp venue was at my gran's house! Specific days too! Mothers Day, Christmas Day, Ma's Birthday...

So, anyway, I'm sitting there and I had an appointment that was postponed so instead I got to join my mum, dad, aunt and family friend, along with a church congregation of------of really ollllllld folk. Some were old like sit-when-you're-meant-to-stand old. My mum and them are old, but they're young-old. You know? At 42? When you're the youngest there? Either way, you get what I'm saying.

First! Wait? First!!!! Yesterday morning, I go outside to help my parents hang their washing. So I pick up this t-shirt and I'm about to hang it and my dad points to the left side of the washing line, "Nooooh, no!!! That's the t-shirt section!"

Me? "Wait? So? Y'all have sections on the washing line?"

Proudly, he said, "Yes! All the t-shirts go that side! We don't-we don't just hang any old how." I'm trying to insist that my dad go sit and let me hang with my mum, he was meant to be going to the store across the road. But he won't because well? The man is a workaholic! Either that or he refused point blank to come back to find that his last born had hung their washing "any old how!"

So then, I'm hanging the t-shirts in the----------"section!" It's actually the sweetest thing though, because they are so insync with their operating system. Operation Hang Washing. For me? Hey, the sun?! God made it so that when it shines, it doesn't shine on one very particular 5cm wide spot. Ya Rambler was born in the 70's...chill, that smiling sun will dry everything no matter where they're hung! But, eh, I'm just a snot-nosed washing hanger, what do I know? I had to abide by the washing line rules. I didn't wanna have him tell me, "Step away-----from the line!" That woulda been embarrassing and I had a washing line full of clothing at home too. I actually began feeling bad for my own washing. Almost as if I would be the root of their emotional issues! Like imagining the t-shirts talking to the shorts next to it, "I feel so misplaced right now...she just has no clue of how this makes me feel!"

My dad is hanging the table cloths in their "section" which is on the right hand side of the line. Then? The pants? Go on the third line. All that's left now are socks and my dad's under shorts! My mum then says, "He hangs those! I don't like hanging those small things!" Awwwwwww, love at it's best! I'm like, "Ohhhh-okay!" He is over there grinning while my mum is giggling! I'm loving this experience! I'm seriously wanting this experience! I would have failed at life if I don't live my old years out in this very way!

Now! Back to today. Wednesday, is their church day. I always knew that they had this thinnnnnnnng, this routine, right?!? I just didn't know how organised it was. Well, I found out today? We walk into church and the family friend grabs five hymn book. I follow suit and grab 5 prayer books. Doing well so far! That is until I make the mistake of picking up a hymn book for myself and she says, "I have five. Put that one down."

I held onto it, rebel that I am.

But?!? When she said it the second time? It dawned on me then that rebelling against the hymn book instruction wasn't the smartest of moves. I was afraid that if she had to say it another time, that she'd actually forcefully remove it from me. Second times, she switched it up! That was the tell-tale sign for me! When you put the first sentence last and the last sentence first? Third time, there's nothing but action left! "Put that one back down, I have five!"

Lesson: Hymn books should not be wasted! Or-----or something.

Me: O_o! O-okay...(putting it down)

So I follow them to the seats. There are lots of empty seats because everybody hasn't yet arrived. They walk straight to their "section!" What is it about old people and their sections?????? Here? I'm thinking, okay, this has got to be a side effect of Apartheid! It's all about sections and sections and it's not just with my parents! They're all doing it! Where else would they have picked up this nasty habit?

Me? I was born into Apartheid. Whatever section my parents took me to was the section that I belonged in, according to the "rules!" That's probably why I hang my washing, any old how.

The family friend lays out the books across five seats and I'm thinking, well cool, this is where we sit. As the holder of the prayer books. Five of them!!! I lay out the five prayer books on top of each hymn book and then said a secret prayer that I was doing the right thing. I did the right thing! Then?!?! I pick a set up and turn to sit and my mum says, "Nooh, we don't sit in this row! We sit here..." Pointing to the row behind the book row!

I'm starting to feel a liTTle more than a weeeeeee bit lost. Like a t-shirt next to a pair of shorts! We sit. I was ordered to sit next to my dad and mum. Church then finishes and I notice that my dad left his own prayer book, with it's cover on the seat in front of him. Instinctively, I reach for it mumbling that he had left it and my aunt tells me, "Don't touch his book! Ooooo! You don't touch his book. Leave it there. He will come back for it, but you don't touch his book!"

O_o. What?!? In the name of all that is familiar?!?! Is going on here? I don't know these people! I clearly can't be me while they're being them! But I don't know the them they're being? This them?!? Who are theeeeeese people?!?! So I stand still. And wait. Which was the right thing to do again. I was ready to walk out the front door. The door that we walked into church through.

Thankfully, because now? We're going to the store next to church so we're walking out of the top door. I left the book. Walked pass the book. Looking at the book periodically until it was out of my sight. And by golly?!? My dad was somewhere on the top, walked pass us, down the stairs to their "section" and got his book. There was no, "Why did y'all leave my book?" Everything is understood between these five! Impressive------and confusing!

Sharde then tells me that Zelda isn't home, but is on her way back. I tell my aunt. My aunt tells me not to worry because she woulda layed the table, anyway. See? This is Wednesday! Church. They go to the store next to church to buy fresh, unsliced bread, go to Zelda after church, slice the bread into thick slices, put butter and jam or whatever on the bread and have tea! Zelda, is my generation! But she is welllllllll versed by now, on the Wednesday routine! We walked into the kitchen annnnnnnnnd? Zelda had returned! The table was set! It was time for the after-party!

When we finally got back to my mum? My brain fell asleep and took my body with it! It was a beautifully confusing, enlightening, two days spent with them!

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Sending Prayers....

To the City of Baltimore

To the victims and families of Nepal

To the victims and families of Xenophobia

To every person out there, experiencing personal difficulties of every kind, be it loss, depression, illness....

May God Bless you all!

Love,
Ya Rambler
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Fearing the Unknown....Smart!

The good news is that since my last blog post, we haven't been tormented with any further blackouts. Thank you, Eskom. Your kindness brings light into our lives. Literally.

While we're on the subject of torment. I went to the mall yesterday and I was reminded of how much I can't stand it when people think that they're better than someone else. Especially when they have an audience. It's one thing to have fight in you. But when you can't choose your battles? When all that you have in you IS fight? For evvvvvvvverything? Then all you look like is an angry, babbling, idiot who clearly has issues beyond the fact that the parking machine is only taking coins.

Granted, arrangements should have been made other than the assistant directing you to the parking office, still? The fact that he was told to inform people that the banks are closed and the machines are faulty as far as notes, so they can't be fixed at that moment? Doesn't make him useless. His management's management style is what is questionable by not making proper provisions for people who walked up to the parking machine, with only notes. Sure, it was irritating for us all to have had to go back inside and beg the stores for change but? Wow! To then say to him, "You're just useless?" Uncalled for.

And there are too many people like this in the world. I wish, I wish that they were banished to Rant and Rave Island or something because it's nothing short of sickening to witness. It might be that I'm not a very confrontational person. Maybe that's why I feel this way. I don't come from a confrontational background and no, I'm not sorry about that. Being ready to attack anyone, for anything? Good luck with living life that way. Shit's gonna get real lonely in a hurry. That's not to say that I'm not a lot more willing to stand my ground than I once was. But, still?! I won't stand there and because I have an audience, start degrading someone because I am angry about a situation that inconveniences me in the smallest of ways.

It's not as if he even knew the security guard or his temperament. What if he chopped him in the throat? What if he fisted him for calling him, useless? I suppose thennnnnn it would have been, "Ohhhhhh my fuckin gaaaaaawd! He punched two of his teeth out! How dare he?!?" Had he retaliated to being called, useless, by a stranger who shouldn't have been confronting him that way, to begin with. The man directed him to the parking management office...

Dealing, that way? In any way, with people you don't know is a gamble and there are times when you luck out. I've had my fair share of dealing with strangers and trusting my "benefit of the doubt" instincts. Once bitten, twice shy. All I can say is that I have learnt my lesson as far as dealing with the unknown. Trusting, the unknown! And I will never! EVER! Again! Put even a lick of trust, in MY own level of comfort and knowledge, about someone whom I haven't seen or touched or smelled or anything that you can do with someone in your actual physical company.

At one time, well? Actually? Longer than that. It felt as though I was the lucky one. That I had judged correctly, but my judgement has left much to be desired. That much is crystal clear and I'm not ashamed to admit that I messed up, royally! But what's important to me right now is that I grew from the experience. I know better now. And I won't make that mistake again. Ever!

We keep preaching to kids about strangers. About the boogie-man in the car enticing them with sweets. About taking the hand of a stranger when they're lost and expecting them to help them find their way home. About online predators, etc! However, sometimes we don't take the same advice ourselves. We are, afterall, adults and as adults we're under the assumption that we're able to better sense the dangers that exist out there and that when we do sense that a situation shows itself not to be what you were under the impression than it was, that we can simply decide to walk away from it. That's not true. Not when you're in too deep.

But it's real. It's a real and smart fear to have and lemme tell you something? As much as I will sit here right now and type AND MEAN that I DO NOT WISH TO GO BACK AND CHANGE THAT ANY OF IT HAPPENED? That applies to my ENTIRE LIFE! But instead that after all is said and done, I do, from here on out prefer to live in fear of strangers than to risk my own safety. And when I talk about safety? Safety doesn't only apply to physical safety! Safety applies also to risking your emotions and spirituality, as well as psychological well-being.

That guy put his physical safety at risk, acting out his anger and letting it speak for him, without realizing that he didn't know who it was that he was lashing out at, who he was name-calling and lucky for him. Lucky for him, he didn't retaliate. Instead, that security guard was professional, even with being called, "useless."
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Congratulations Are In Order!!!!

Drum rollllllll please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Introducinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng......................................our very own certified TEFL teachers!  Yes!  They!  Are!  ^_^!

 

A Little Bit of This n That

We had power last night!  What d’you know!!!!!!  Power or no power, I don't like what's happening.  I'm beginning to accept the dim fact that we are being rationed for electricity.  How do I know?  I know me.  Do you know you?  Not sure?  Quiz yaself then!  Always works for me. 

Blink. 

You forgot that I'm Libra, didn't you?  You forgot that for me to make a decision to do annnnnything?  It takes quizzes, ultimatums, changing of positions, singing songs, standing on one leg, whistling through m-------ooooooooo-wooooooo!  Was about to enter the TMI zone right there!  My humblest apologies.  But the good news is that I get there eventually, no matter how long it takes, I DO get there.  Right now?  I'm not at all pleased about the fact that I'm not irritated.

O_o! 

Irritated is good.  Acceptance is bad.  It was raining yesterday.  Things like that should be accepted.  I should not be cool by the pool about being reminded that my money is being taken by a company that's giving me only a piece of what I'm paying for.  But that just gives you a hint of how often it’s happening.  The first few days, everybody was like, “grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”  Now we’re just laying in the dark like, “Grr-yeah, okay whatever, two hours will be over soon.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!”  I downloaded the torch app on my phone and that’s me – sorted for the dark nights.

As for the Xenophobia situation, the army has now been called in to an area called Alexander where.  THAT?  Is something that pleases me.  However, I am a bit concerned about my ex-husband who is currently working out in one of our neighbouring African countries.  With the expected ripple effect and repercussions of what has been going on here?  South African's aren't the safest at the moment working out in our sister lands.  Thank God he is safe though, I have been speaking to him daily, to make sure. 

O_o! 

Keep that up and ya face is gonna stay that way!  Hahahahaha!  Remember when our parents' told us that whenever we cried so hard that it skewed our expressions so bad, it scared us straight into a no-expression howl?  I don't really know for sure how much of a cry baby I was when I was little.  For things other than sucking tit!  My mums, I mean.  She never really told me.  And it doesn't help that I have very sporadic memories of my very early years.  Far as my ex-husband and I, we have maintained an amicable relationship since our divorce.  A few people that I have met over the years have said to me, “you guys make divorce look so easy?” 

Divorce is never easy.  Amicable or not.  At some stage there is no amicable anything, which is how you reached that place to begin with and that’s between the two of us.  Not our children.  They were right there when everything went from travelling south to when everything finally reached south and I tell whomever asks.  We get along THIS much better because we don’t have “partner” expectations.  I’d be lying if I told you that we don’t have our disagreements, we do.  But we’re able to have our say and move pass them very quickly.  Maintaining friendships, for me, are a whole lot easier than maintaining relationships.

Maybe my mum too has sporadic memories of my earlier days.  Hahahahaha!  Sorry, I’m still thinking of what mini-me was like.  Ima quiz her tomorrow morning, first thing!  She woulda just had her coffee so her mind should be sharp...if there are long pauses and gaps in memory then I'll have the answers that I need.  All I know for now is that I tortured her for her breast milk for a ridiculous amount of years and that I was carried on a lot of family hips.  The latter information came via pics.

  Most of my constant memory seems to kick in during the last three years of my schooling life.  Before then?  I do remember some things but they're like scattered pictures on a wall.

I wish I had sporadic memories of my adulthood though.  Silly wish to have and really, I shouldn't be wishing, I should be learning how to get it right but I am, I'm getting it right, slowly but surely.  Problem is that it just keeps hitting me at random moments that I could have done so much better so many times, had I just paid more attention to the patterns of people that I'd dealt with.  I didn't.  I floated along and that's what happens when you decide that any situation is that much bigger than you are.  You surrender before you fight.  You float, already defeated without having made any attempts to charge or challenge, in an existence where when you look again, you’ve aged twenty some odd years standing dead still as far as any type of progress while the waters keep moving around you.  That is, until your raft stops.  By then?  No matter how much you wanted to do this, say that, change this.....advancement simply doesn't matter anymore.  

The shitty part about life is that we can stand on our heads, click our heels together under a full moon and twelve twinkling stars....nothing will ever make it possible for us to go back.  There’s no undo button.  There’s no rewind button.  No, we only get to except and live with whatever haunts us and tread tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, carefully jumping over and side stepping whatever crap we don't ever wanna have to go through again and if we happen to mis-step?  Sometimes it’s dark and we can’t see.  Then we handle it better than we did before. 

I've had some really craptastic luck far as relationships.  I remember my very first one.  I began my love life as a very faithful.  Very loyal.  Very hopeful.  Somebody.  I was young and in luuurve, and then he cheated.  A lot.  And I stayed.  What else did I expect though?  We were young.  Two puppies who did everything together.  I have very fond memories of walking miles and miles and miles with him.  Selling eggs.  He was a Scout.  I was his loyal assistant.  Self-proclaimed, I might add.  Until we grew up a little bit and he told me one day that he was going to ask another girl out.  Let me be the first to say......?  That was like wringing out every drop of my self-esteem like a wet towel.  There wasn’t an abundance of it to begin with.  Even as I type, I can feel what I felt.  There wasn't a part of my body that didn't hurt.  I sat on that pavement, with a stone between my fingers, scraping it against the tar of the road.  For hours.  Questions and questions and question.  Questions that I had refused to ask anyone out loud. 

Wow.  I didn't expect for it to feel this emotional.

Something I haven't thought about in years.  And for good reason, I see.  Even after the cheating and after the ditching, I sat on that pavement in front of our house....waiting for him to come back.  I needed to see him again.  I needed him to see what he'd done too.  To me.  But most of all?  I needed her to have turned him down. 

She didn't.  

Second one, cheated.  Strangely?  I don’t know what bug bit him but while I was with the second one?  Outa nowhere, the first one wrote me a letter begging for another chance.  This was yearrrrrrrrrrrrs later.  Man?  It musta been four or so years after.  I remember becoming real angry, turning that letter over and writing "NO" across the entire back of it and giving it back to his sister to take to him.  Something that I've noticed?  Outside of relationships as well.  I take a lot.  I will yell and whine and bitch about having to take it but I’m yelling and whining and bitching, standing right there.

I can't decide, even now, whether that's a good or a bad thing.  It might be a bit of both.  If I were talking about someone else?  I would say that that person appears as if they enjoy having pieces of their heart chipped and chipped and chipped away.  Clearly, because they stay in places that they should be running far away from.  The same will apply to me then.  But my fill is my fill.  Just as your fill is your fill.  There always comes that moment when that last piece of straw breaks my back and nothing, not even seven brigades of angry bulls, will make me consider going back.  Funny enough?  I’ve learned that it’s not a surprising pattern of those born under the Libra star sign. 

That first relationship?  I believe that everything about that relationship and then how it ended, set the precedent for 99% of my relationships' fate thereafter.  All, but one, ended eventually because of them cheating.  But then at some point between then and some years ago, I turned from being the most faithful, devoted, forgiving teenager/woman…….basically from being a cheating man’s doormat.  To cheating too.  Even if it was almost completely, emotional.  Same difference.

Mind you?  When I think hard enough about it?  I can tell you exactly why it happened and at which point chunks of my feelings died dead within those relationships.  Ofcourse, it doesn’t make it right, the right step to take was to leave because in staying, I didn't only hurt myself.  Forgive me for today’s post being the length that it is.  As I’m typing all of this, I’m unraveling a mystery.  It’s called, “How did I get here?”  Over the last eight years, in the midst of the surprise return of my soulmate, my marriage already drag-racing on the fast-lane to Overville, and essentially kicking my own ass for ruining what should have remained a lasting, meaningful friendship?  I found myself knee deep in depression and I talked with a psychiatrist, but unfortunately, I didn't talk to him long enough to figure out whether that switch in my behaviour came about as a defense mechanism. 

I don't know for sure
Maybe one day, I'll find out

What I do know is that the relationship that I'm in right now?  Has proven a theory that I’ve had regarding the whole “opposites attract” concept.  Never did I believe that opposites dont attract, but?  I've always figured that two people had to be more alike than not to stand any chance of building something that might not break somewhere down the line where the differences don't stand a chance against the similarities as far as a working relationship.  My ex would constantly mention a girlfriend that he had in college, where she had always said the right things and displayed the right affections at exactly the right times, was intelligent in the right way and cared about all the right things.  He’d always talk about how there was no fighting, no screaming and no yelling between the two of them.  Yes, I would feel some kinda way.  Jealous, because it wasn't the type of relationship that we had.  I would even think that he was being insensitive saying that to me.  But had I had THAT type of relationship before I met him?  I would have understood why he kept that aspect of it, regardless of how it ended, so close to his heart. But because I am currently experiencing THAT type of relationship?  It's pretty damn impossible for me now, not to understand why being in that type of a relationship would be something that he had absolutely cherished the way that he did.  

NO to Xenophobia!!!!

Such a beautiful Durban day today. Nothing like the weeks winter misery that we've just come out of. And that doesn't apply to the weather alone. Unfortunately, some of our local South Africans have shown their sister-countries exactly how icy-cold they can be. Not. Good.

The King?

Yes we have a king.
We were shocked too
We have a king and a government.
But he is not the king of the country.
He is the King of the Zulu's.
However, our taxes pay for the upkeep of him, his many wives and about 27 children.
As I said--------we were shocked too.
He is Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini.

You can read all about him, here.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goodwill_Zwelithini_kaBhekuzulu

Our taxes pay for...oh wait, I already said that.

http://www.timeslive.co.za/politics/2014/12/22/zulu-king-blows-r54-million-now-wants-more-of-your-money

Anyhoo, the only reason why I mentioned him is because he is regarded as the key instigator in the recent attacks against "foreigners" since he made a statement about....know what? Lemme let you see it for yourself. Here you go.

http://www.timeslive.co.za/local/2015/04/16/listen-to-exactly-what-king-goodwill-zwelithini-said-about-foreigners

You might be asking yourself why there are so many see-for-yourself-links on todays blogpost. I blame with washing basket giving me death stares right now. As if I want it standing there! As if IIIIIII caused...hmmmmmm? I did, didn't I? I had the nerve to wash the clothes.

It wasn't me being lazy to type. I'm never lazy to type. Infact?!? I could type from sun up 'til power out and not tire of it. Even if it's on my Blackberry. Are you snickering????? Look? I-phones are the coolest but ay? It's the hardest thing trying to type on a full touchscreen phone. For me, that is. I need me my keypad 'cause I type a lot on this here phone of mine. Infact? Most of my books were typed, I would say, 85%, on my phone.

Now that I've turned sarcastic on my washing? Back to the reason for the title of this post. It's sadly been a horrid week here in Durban as far as Xenophobic attacks which I think is disgusting to say the least. Here is an article in this regard.

http://edition.cnn.com/2015/04/16/africa/south-africa-anti-foreigner-attacks/

I'm still wondering why an army presence is still, well? Absent. Personally, I can't seem to wrap my head around Africans calling Africans, foreigners---and going as far as killing them for it. And I'd feel the very same way had these poor victims not been African. Violence? And me? Never been a fan of it. It makes me sick to my stomach---------literally.

With all of the unrest and just, just shit that's spiralling out of control right now, I'm more than grateful that my daughter had made the choice, and that we had supported her, in leaving South Africa and broadening her horizons and moreso that she's absolutely in awe of what she is seeing, experiencing and learning.

That's what life's about, afterall. The decisions we make. The experiences we have. The lessons we learn and the application of those, good or bad. That's something I've honestly improved on...it took me a very, very long time to get here. As far as a lot of things. I struggled to get a grip on honestly making decisions according to how things actually are as opposed to how I wish they were. I struggled. Lawwwwwd, did I struggle!!!! It was something that my ex and I often fought about and when I was fixated on not looking at situations honestly because peace was more important. I then wondered why I wasn't ever feeling it but he was right. And because I finally began understanding that, it's not so hard anymore.

Just with interacting alone. I don't force great relationships between myself and any one anymore, not family, not anyone, where over time it had always indicated otherwise. Yeah, reality beats fantasy, hands down. With family, in particular, for me it meant that if I behaved any differently than I was, then it meant that I couldn't love them anymore and that would just be wrong, they are family because then how could you love someone if you don't either want to interact with them or make a grand effort to?
We were raised to believe that no matter what happens, family is family and that's the end of the story. But once I opened up to the full understanding of what my ex was trying to get through to me all of those times, and seriously, it is absolutely amazing how differently we were raised to think compared to others, 'cause when I discussed the same concept with Dave, he too was like, "Ofcourse!" where he understood that loving someone from a distance, doesn't mean that you don't love them, it means that forcing a closeness that doesn't exist anymore, maybe never did, will hurt more.

It made me ask myself, "Wait? How does everyone else know this and it took me 41 years to get it?" I'll say this much. I'm very grateful for that lesson.

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As Teddy Pendergrass Once Said....

Turn off the lights......and light a candle....do-do-do-doooooooo!!!!!! Doodoo is right 'cuz last night? That's exactly what I DID-DO while I waited for the power to come back on.

You must be wondering what's up with the picture. Well, wonder no more........ya Rambler will tell you. That's the view from most people's eyeballs right now! Nohhhhhh, no! A sudden plague of blindness has not befallen the land. Not in that sense, at least.
I've seriously had just about all that I can take of South Africa and it's steady regression.
Currently, we're on Stage 2 of loadshedding where our power is being turned off for hours at a time, daily because well? We're running out of electricity. Who coulda guessed THAT would be the case, huh? Shocker?!? No, not really.
And these blackouts are not just limited to residential areas. They're blacking out businesses during working hours as well. Wellll-in-advanced planned parties are not excluded either! At our office Christmas party last year December? We had to dine by downlights for two hours. Yeah, those were the only ones that stayed on when the power was switched off in the hotel venue, thanks to a generator. That's why when Wendy put her plate down once she'd dished her selection of food and salad and couldn't see that she was putting it down between the gap of two round tables. Hmmmmmmm...let's just say? She had to fix another plate.
I'm sitting here right now, along with thousands of other aggravated South African's, in the dark, typing this.
Well, I really can't say for sure what it is that theyyyyyyyy are doing, but me? I'm can surely say that I'm typing this. I sincerely hope that those who can? Are taking full advantage of the darkness. Yes, I said it! And I meant it in every single, dirty-minded way possible. Exactly like Teddy did. He had the right sentiment too. Might 's well make the best of a bad situation, right? Just make sure to put the kids to bed first.
Meanwhile? We've been told too that water will soon become a problem. But I'll complain about that when the day comes that I sit here, typing--------parched at the throat.


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Good Good Girlfriend AM I!

It would be pReTTy hard for me to believe that neither one of you have heard or seen Lonnie Bee at this point!  And if you haven't.....then----------wait, ima say it just like he would-------Bitch, you better ask somebody!

Funny thing is this, I was sitting on the soccer grounds today thinking about doing this very thing...posting one of Lonnie's video's on my blog.  Fans do shit like that.  And I was trying to decide, in my mind, which one of his was my favourite video.  Look?  Even at that point, I said to myself, "You know that that's impossible, right?  You doooooo realize that you have work in the morning and that trying to pick a favourite would be as impossible as waking in time to get even get there by 8am if you even try!"

But timing and circumstance helped me with that!  Thank you----thank you vurrrry muuurch, ti-timing and circumstance...I owe you one!

(Note to reader:  If you have any idea how one repays timing and circumstance?  Inbox a Rambler)

After I talked with the man that Joe was referring to in this song?????????  My one?  And then we were talking about a very similar topic?  I quickly go onto FB before heading to bed, and I almost fell offa my bed......

Okay, I lie...

I'm sitting in the middle of the bed, that would be a lil hard to do...it's like I'd have to inch off to the right of me, the left of me would just get my head a good bang up against the wall and that is not how I pictured THAT would go....

A-hem....

What was I saying?

Oh yeah...I'd have to inch over to the RIGHT of me, to the eddddddddge of the bed to actually, remOtely have a chance of falling off of it.  But yes, let's just say, metaphorically, I almost fell of sommmmmething, watching this video because I can relate!

HERE IT IS!
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10200237822346156&set=vb.1770624057&type=2&theater

I dedicate this blog post just to you, Lonnie Bee!  Because I love your message and I love your reason and I love my Lonnie Bee.

Sure, surrrrrre, he curses alot but------------------------DID YOU DIE?????????

Personally, ya Rambler could give a flying %$#@ about how he says what he says, if what he says should be said!

 

Outa The Bluuuue...I Mean, Pink...

InnOcenTly?!? As Wendy's very loyal smoke break sidekick cousin and her----mine, we go downstairs, right?
For a smoke.
Bad Rambler.
In my defense, I DO live here. Between the poor neighbouring African countries' foreigners once again being targeted in xenophobic attacks for opening businesses that the locals actually weren't even thinking about to begin with and then the constant yoyo in the petrol price that's got me thinking i'm about to gallop to work in the near future, NOT to mention the Moses Mabhida staff striking for reasons unbeknown to yours truly? I won't even add to that, the annual student strikes at the Technikons for crap like "We want free sanitary towels and shit!" See? See? My emotions are being played with on the daily.

By the way, I later came to find out that there was not one innocent bone in Wendy's body as far as what was about to happen. Okay, okay, lemme give credit where credit is due, she provided the address, he made the rest of the plans! Beautiful man that he is.

But wait....I should------i should start at the beginning. Now normally? I go down with a cigarette, bad Rambler (refer to detailed explanation above), and almost always come back with just a lighter....unless the promoters are out there handing out free bottles of water or shampoo or pamphlets...don't you hate that? Not the free water or shampoo. The pamphlets? I spot those mutha's at the traffic lights? I start vigorously rolling up my window, look straight ahead and inch forward when they reach me. On one of my more aggressive days, I will leave that sucker slightly open, just slightly and say no thanks, 'cause you never can be too sure about who's the promoter and who's just robbed one, pretending to be a promoter.

The Chris Brown concert was great, by the way! It poured with rain! Question? Why do we feel the need to say----with rain----as if it's ever poured with litchi juice? Anyhoooooo, the rain didn't stop us. As I said to Dave, if I'd taken off my bra in that crowd, I'd have won that wet t-shirt competition that they didn't have! If they were smart, they would have. Just saying. Entry fee: Tits. It pouuuuuuuuured....you'll see! He made sure that his buddy on this end took care of our tickets and his buddy on this end, made sure to keep his word, every step of the way.

But today? Today at smoke break time, t'was a lil different from other days. Again, you'll see. Nevermind, the promoters were still missing in action, spiteful bastards. I'm just saying, I could use some free stuff after the cost of petrol alone, was increased by almost R2/per litre. It doesn't cost, R2/per litre, it was innnnnnncreased byyyy almost R2.

The delivery guy comes, and I'm thinking, "Wooooo-hoooooo, lucky-ass woman about to be surprised!!

Well?

She sure was!!!!!!!! When Wendy said it was for me, I must have had a turnover of seventeen very different expressions of confusion.

O_o!!!! Whaaaaaa-----------?!
*_¤!!!! Me----------?!?!
O_O!!! Fr--from Dave?!?
:-)!!! You wonderfully sneaky sweetheart youuuuu!!!

A-hemmmmm!

You get the picture.

Once all of that settled, ofcourse I was done for! It took me a verrrrrrry long minute to get myself in order. You could not get rid of the smile on my face for nothing! And then the cards and the words? Awwwwwwwwwwww!! My shoulders slump in emotional overwhelm----overwhelm------ment? That a word?

I had to share....now? I'm off to blush some more!

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Compassion, Choice and Carrying On

Sitting here cooking dinner at 10.40am. I know right, it's barely passed breakfast. Feels as though I was injected with energyvites or something today. I'm like whooooooooosh, clothing Ironed, whoooooooosh, linen and more clothing washed, whoooooooooosh, linen and more clothing hung, whooooooooosh, house vacuumed, whoooooooooosh dinner started...I'm on a roll.

Is this what....dammmmmm! Hold on, hold on.....Gotta whoooooooooosh to get that washing off, this rain is relentless! Uuuuurgh.....

Okay, done. Annnnnnnnd it stopped raining as I walked back into the house! Ha! Ha! Rain. You got jokes huh?!

Is this what missing your daughter does to you? Turns you into the energiser bunny?

It's been an eventful week to say the least. Still doesn't feel as though I've been off work since Wednesday. Time has been very, very unkind. I've learnt something quite significant this week. You'd think that it'd be how to let go of my twenty year old daughter, right? Not. Not yet. This week has taught me that pride and admiration? These are better invested in someone for their compassion for a life, not for their achievements in life.

I've come across many different kinds of people in my days and often, like we all do I'm sure, have found myself looking up to those who have made it in their careers, have all that they've ever dreamed of, etc. Sure, those deserve admiration on some level but I can't anymore. That type of reverence I'm now hellbent on reserving. And if I don't smell, see or hear a sense of compassion, then I'm saving my reverence for someone who deserves it.

Afterall? What is more important on this earth than life? I can't be proud of anyone who has everything BUT compassion. It is through compassion that we display humanity and if one doesn't posses humanity, then this planet is definitely not a home for them.

I can't admire someone who HAS everything but thinks nothing of whistling through their day, knowing that their family's in darkness. Literally.

I won't respect anybody who turns vicious or vindictive towards a person that they'd once loved as a means to validate their own failures.

Not a bone in my body will feel pride, admiration, respect for someone who preaches love and compassion but downright refuses to practise it.

I'm done wasting these wonderful feelings on humans like this. Right now? I'm loving that I feel comfortable with choice. That I'm cool with deciding what I want to do or not do, where I want to or don't want to go, who and who not to keep in my circles. It used to be realllll hard to say no to any of that.

They say as you get older and ofcourse wiser, your circle shrinks, your perceptions alter, your outlook transforms. And that's what's been happening to me. Do I miss the people I've distanced myself from, you ask? Places I don't want to go or things I don't want to do? Yes, as much as I'd miss a thorn on the inside of my sneaker!

I heard this the other day. Someone mentioned something that Oprah had once said. "God drops pebbles on your head before he drops the brick." It was the Wendy Williams show, yes.

That tells me that no matter who we are, no matter what our situation? In retrospect, we were warned. We were warned well in advance that something just wasn't right or that it would end badly. Whether once, twice, thirty times. Our choice in ignoring those warnings is nobody's fault but our own. And that's inescapable. I've lived it, I've learnt it, I admit it and I now keep it in mind!

As I sit here, ya Rambler too, has to deal with retrospect. I'm 42 years old. I have a lot of retrospect following me around. But I am, who everyone else is. Not exempt from the ramifications of my own choices or lack thereof. Within my immediate surroundings, I'm faced with watching how thirty years can be turned into nothing but dust and disrespect due to lack of compassion.

Not everyone in this world is going to do the right thing for you, say the right thing to you, be the right person for you. And even if they have tried their utmost best to? You might have needed more. More than they could say, do or be for you.

Since the dawn of time, this has been how relationships end. That's how friendships end. I'll even go as far as saying, that's how careers end. Any type of union between yourself and someone or something, will end at some point, if one party feels that they are not being fulfilled by it. Period.

And yes, it's tough not to be angry at someone or something that you've invested love and time in only to find that you wake one day and its all become nul and void. But there again? Are you going to be mad at every single person in your past? Every single thing that you've ever done that didn't pan out? That's a lot of anger to carry around.

But the way of the world has often shown me that even then? Even when you've made a horrid choice in a person, a place, a career? Ultimately, you always have the choice to either leave or stay or do or don't. And if you make the wrong choice, that's okay but it's your choice nevertheless. Life is full of wrong choices. Someone is making a wrong choice right now. Tomorrow, a wrong choice will be made, yet again.

But don't let it lead to a life of anger, hatred, blame, revenge and despair. You're here. You have two legs, two arms, a heart that beats, nostrils to breath through and a mouth to eat with. It's okay to make mistakes. But that doesn't mean that that's the end for you. It doesn't mean that that mistake is what defines your tomorrows.

But your tomorrow and what you make of it will depend on you taking ownership of your mistake, receive it's teaching and doing better moving forward.
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My Babies Are Grown

My house sure does feel empty today...here they are taking their first real steps into the real world and it fits. It fits, that they would decide to do that in a whollllle different country.

I'm so proud of them.

You know? This is something that my generation hardly did. At least, more of us didn't, than did. I can only speak of South Africa here but my daughters generation, it seems? They're a braver lot.

I remember going to Johannesburg to look for work after I finished school. I lasted about two weeks. I'm not mad though. We all have a path that we're gonna take, one way or another. I can't imagine having stayed in Johannesburg then. It woulda changed the course of my life completely. But that wasn't my road. This was my road.

And this? This is theirs!





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