First Day Back....

I won't complain too much. I'm alive. That always helps. When you have work to do. Right?!

Took this Monday by the balls though, regardless. :-) It might have had very small balls. Shrivelled, even. Like ninety-eight year old balls that have no breathe left in them. Balls that resemble prunes more than prunes do. I dunno. I can't judge, I barely have vision right now. Judging takes energy that I simply don't have in excess today. Yeah, it's that bad. Me? I only had energy to do what needed to be done. And whatever balls today had?!? I took 'em!

But I'm not gonna complain.

Doesn't Monday strike you as.....? Monday strikes me as having prune balls. 'Cause you know how bullies are! They're always compensating for something, aren't they?




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Too Much Sex? I Think Not!

Remember I told yall that we had that get together at my cousins yesterday? Yeah, so the last of the mohecans were left and sex became the topic, hehehe! Fun! There was a clear divide amongst the healthy and the, hmmmmmmm? What can I call them? The "how the hell can you have sex every night" group! Hahahahhahha!
So there was a couple there who said they had sex every day, sometimes more than once a day. One member of my family was flabbergasted like, "Every day?!?! WTF!? Who the fuck has sex every single day?????? Sicko muthafuckers!" "Well?" I thought, ".....them! And lot's of other couples who are married and still very much attracted to each other and there's nothing at all wrong with that."
So I tried to explain to her, "That's called having a healthy sex life!" Flabber (I'll call her that) was not receiving that! She was breathlessly opposing the healthy part and calling it all kinds of crazy and I said to her, "But don't you see how close they are as a couple? That plays a huge part in a relationship!"
One of them claimed to have sex once every six months! O_O! YIKES! And that statement too was simply dismissed as lies, lies, lies and more lies by another family member! Hahahhahahahhaha! As I said? Fun! I remained quiet for the most part. Except for my many outbursts of laughter at the funny shit that was being said!
I enjoy being quiet. Taking it all in. At some point, I begin talking to myself about what it is that's being discussed and then I really looked at it? I saw the stark difference in the relationships of the opposition parties seated at that table and when I compared the two? It was crystal clear that a healthy sex life within a marriage, whether married for ten years or thirty years, dramatically improved that relationship.
I was Flabber once. Yup. I was one of those people who said out loud, "I can live without sex, who needs that shit!" But a Flabber, I am no longer. Not because I'm a nympho but because I have lived and I have learnt. And everyone who hasn't experienced such attraction will never understand the NORMALITY of being that sexual with their partner. Now? I will never understand why a couple would want it any other way!
Who wouldn't want to be with someone that they wanna run home to every single day? Who wouldn't want to be with someone that they can't take their hands off of? Be excited about? Fantasize about? The intimacy between couples who have a healthy sexual relationship, from what I see? ls unlike any other.
It's not to say that sex alone makes a relationship. Not in the least! But like communication? It's hell important! And it's not to say that that's all ya gonna be doing like bang, bang, bang...no! But dammm, it makes you feel alive and in love and it ultimately the effects of that excitement and intimacy spills over into everything else you do, together, as a couple, as a family because how much more beneficial is it for children to witness the kind of love between their parents where so much affection and so much closeness is a constant sight for them as opposed to the kind where nothing inspires their parents to even want to sit on the same sofa?
We really do teach our children how to love and how they should accept being loved, by the relationship that we have with our spouse. We're the first example of love between a man and a woman that they will ever have and I finally understand that. I finally understand that staying together for the sake of the children harms more than it helps because what are we teaching them? That love is miserable and angry and distant?
No. No, it's not.
It's quite the opposite.
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The Aftermath

What I'd love right now?!? I'd love to be able to close my eyes.
That's it.
Just close my eyes. I HAVE been sleeping but I'm still tired.

I haven't been home much since I've been home. That confused me too. I'm dead tired with a headache so anything would confuse me now.

Friday, we spent the day up at my sister 'til after midnight playing scrabble and colouring in those pictures that are meant to relieve stress (I've attached some pics) and yesterday, after waking and having to rush out the door to get Damon to his soccer match, I cleaned the house, fell asleep for an hour or two waiting for him to come back and then shot off to my cousin for the little get together that he was having. Ofcourse, it's Sunday today, so I had to get them loads of washing done and hung.

Shew!!!!!!

My sister leaves today too, gotta go see her and I gotta go see my sister in law, I missed her. Another run around day. I keep feeling light-headed! Randomly. Why, though? Is that part of jet-lag? I don't remember ever feeling like this. Not gonna lie, I've just been like wow, travelling undoubtedly kicked my ass, this time! I know I'm not twenty-one anymore but dammmm!

Work resumes tomorrow....sob!



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Home Is Where The Heart Is....

That means?!? I have within this little double-breasted chest of mine, a heart that's split into multiple pieces! You get a piece, you get a piece, you get a piece! EVERRRRYBODY GETS A PIEEEECE!!!!

Or?

It means that I am a part of many homes.

Yeah. Think Ima go with that version. It's a better way to look at it, right? Uhm-hm...I'd say! My glass is half full. Positive self-talk! Yup! That's what THAT is. And see what it does?

Do you see what it does?

It takes the feeling that you're broken and replaces it with the feeling that you belong.

:-)




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Bye-bye Chiang Mai

This is how I feel right now..

It's been unforgettable.

I love you Paige, I love you Linds and I already love you my lil grandbaby.

XOXOXOXO!

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LAST Night

Tomorrow, this time, mum and I will be en-route home to South Africa.  We were very happy to hear that we had received some heavy rains over the weekend.  We were near having to adhere to water restriction timetables. Infact?  There are areas on KZN that have long since begun water restrictions due to the drought.

However, I can't be at all happy to hear that most parts of KZN flooded, killing a few people and displacing many living in informal settlements.  This is why it is so difficult to support our president.  Or the current ruling party for that matter.  It's been too many years now and too much money spent on court cases dealing with his corruption trials where I'm quite sure that R53million could have been better spent on keeping more people safe and sheltered through housing projects.

Anyway...I really don't want to spend my last night here thinking about crooked shit.

Still coming to terms with arriving here to two people and having to leave three behind.  I know I'm gonna be quite the wreck tomorrow.  Punk that I am.  But ay I don't mind being a punk like that.  I'm not sorry for feeling.  Just grateful that I won't be alone.  

Grateful too that my babygirl is settled and safe here and doing a good job so far as being on her own.  Keeping house, paying her bills, rarely partying, resting enough to prepare for her work days.  

Aside from my initial sick days, I really have enjoyed my time here in Chiang Mai.  The people here are extraordinarily motivated, kind and humble and it's been an eye opener for me to see that one doesn't have to have an abundance, to be happy.  Truth is, I don't believe that I've seen happier humans in my entire life.

I've seen everywhere that kids are happy to be involved in their parent's business and it helped me better understand that that's how one builds not only family stability and future but also a stable, working community. I havent seen much of any form of loitering.  Far as kids just walking around or standing around on street corners or simply hanging out even.  It's almost as if time is never wasted here.  

I don't see any competitiveness as far as ".....well you can't sell food in this street..." or "...you can't pitch your salon here because I have mine..."  Nope. Everybody works side by side, peacefully.  Whether it be next door or across the street.  For me that speaks volumes about the kind of work ethic, for starters, that exists in this place.

The hospital that we went to last week was spotlessly clean and organized.  The nurses and doctors were patient and joyful.  They even had a last playing the piano in the waiting area.

There is very little road rage.  As full as the roads are!  I'm mentioning random things where normally these would be stress sources or general problems where I come from but here?  Everybody just seems content with what they have, what they have to do to make their living and just waking up to see another day. 

It gives me some peace knowing that my grandchild will be amongst these types of human beings.  It gives me some peace knowing what a great physical support system my daughter has in both her partner and Lindsie and Ning as well as her colleagues at the school that she teaches at.  Not to mention the pouring in of support from everyone at home.

With all of thay said, I'm going to bed now, it's almost 2am.  Big day tomorrow.  

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How?

Sawadika, from Chiang Mai!  

Tell me, how am I gonna do this?  

These goodbyes are a part of what I hate most about distance.  Where you have to courageously leave huge parts of your heart and soul in places that are somewhat, unreachable on a whim.  This is when being your own boss and being the dictator of your own time, money and movements comes in handy, huh!?

Mum and Paige are fast asleep right now, it's almost 1am if not after and as exhausted as I am?  I mean, we've been busy since this morning, moving outa her old apartment and into her new one.  That was phase 1.  Phase 2 begins tomorrow.  Packing.

No.  

No, i'm not ready.

What I truly need is a full body massage and for time to stand very still.  I'm trying to be strong........... oh wait,  just failed.

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Last Set

Here you go!
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Second To Last Set

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Pics, Pics, Pics

More!
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More Pictures

Since yesterday was Mother's Day, it's now early hours of Monday morning here....we went to dinner and the Sunday market. It was too full. Mum and I ended going to the other night market. Paige has work tomorrow so they left early.

Here are more pictures.


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Continuation

I know that I'd abruptly stopped posting about my trip in Thailand, it took me a minute to get settled, health-wise. No body aches and abdominal pains have returned, thankfully. None of which I expected to have when I got here. Shew! All that's left now is this body rash from this very intense heat and the same cough that I thought I'd antibioticed away before I left home. I know where that comes from. Just like back at home, it's from being in and out of heat and ac, constantly. I used to have my aircon vent in my office closed, for a reason! And recently, they've opened it because of some bullshit about it causing a blockage or leakage or sommmmme crapage! My sinus and nasal drip came back with a vengeance almost immediately. That's okay, though. I have a sinus condition which after I'd researched, found out that it comes with my dextrocardia and situs inversus condition. So, I just have to live with that.

Other than that, we did a little more sight seeing. We tried to get all of that done before Lyle left on Friday. We had dinner for his birthday at the Riverside Restaurant, was lovely!

Mum and I visited the school that Paige teaches at. I had to meet those kids, I'd seen video's and pictures of them for a year and meeting them was just delightful. What personalities, wow!

We finally did the temple visit. Very beautiful. Very commercialised. The monk? The monk in the temple we went into was texting and talking on the cellphone. >_#! My eyes squinted in confusion. I can only imagine what my face did. Sometimes, I clearly an't control myself. It's almost a reflex. I've been told that my facial expressions give me away. Far as where my thoughts are. I find that very disturbing because if I'm saying nothing, it means that I don't want someone to know what's in my head. Which also means that I'm being betrayed by my own face. -_-

I imagine a monk, right? And immediately following that image? Is a further imagined story of an extremely basic, simple life that they lead. So now it's your turn! Imagine, if you will, my surprise at finding out that it's not that way. I can't tell you how I thought they communicated? But I can tell you that I didn't know that they used wordly things like that. Here's why I was so taken aback! Lyle went in before me, the monk called him, said a blessing for him. It was his birthday and his goal for the day. Go Lyle!

So I go to kneel next. I then see a guy rush pass me with things. Like soap and other stuff that he's obviously donating and the monk completely forgot about me sitting there. While the guy is setting the stuff out on these gold trays? Monk pulls out his cellphone and starts texting. This is when the squinting started. That's the moment right there. Meanwhile, I'm still kneeling. Praying. Shifting. 'Cause time is passing and my knees are not twenty-one years old. Annnd I'm kneeling and I'm kneeling some more. I wanted a blessing. He then makes a call, the guy is still setting up this stuff. After another 5 minutes? I changed my mind about the blessing and walked out. It didn't mean anything to me anymore. Coming from him. We walk back around and on our way out, I then see them chanting over the donation while other people are sitting and waiting.

Not. Nice!

But hey? At the end of the day, who am I to judge when messages need to be sent and calls need to be made? It's not as if they're able to run down Doi Suthep mountain in a hurry. It's not exactly a small hill! Plus that just may be how they do things. Donated Lux soap bars comes first. Or something. Walking up to the temple, there is a boatload of stairs, strained my calves for three whole days after that! But that's not what's important! What is important is that it seems as if, here? Everybody works. From the youngest to the adultest! There are these little kids as you walk up the stairs, the cutest little girls ever! I took some pictures with them and them I'm teeth talking to Lyle very softly about, "Lyle, what do I do now? Do I give them money?" Just then the little girl stretches her hand out to me and says, "Put. Money." Question answered!

The next day, we saw an elephant show up in the mountains. Those elephants play soccer and basketball and paint pictures and act the fool too! I was amazed at first but then after I thought about it on our way home, I don't know anymore how to feel about that because I noticed that sharp thing on the stick that the handlers were holding. They didn't poke them. Then! But I do know that Dumbo didn't tumble outa his mum's vagina talking about, "Aaaaaaah, I think today?! Ima paint me a scenic picture with paint, a paintbrush and my trunk!" I mean? Do elephants know those words??? No! They have to be trained and I know that some cruelty accompanies that.

I think that was the last bit of sight seeing that we did.

Here are some pictures.

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Life As I Know It.....

.....................................................Has totally changed.

I had no idea that that would happen on this trip. But it has. In more ways than one.
BUT?!? I'm calm.
Frighteningly calm.
Even after my "so THIS is why I HAD to be here right now....." moment.

I thought that I was simply coming here to spend time with my daughter, in the place that she now calls home, since she left just over a year ago, and on more than one occasion, I caught myself wanting the same thing. To make it mine.

Especially now!

You might be asking yourself why? Why especially now? Well? I found out this week that I'll have a grandson or a granddaughter either at the very end of 2016 or just as the 2017 begins. My daughter is six weeks and five days pregnant and I'm filled with tons and tons of emotion as I type this. You have no idea! All shooting this way and that way, up and down. Joy and then worry, excitement and then sadness, and I end at the realisation that at the end of everything, I'm being blessed.

The biggest source of worry and sadness for me right now is that she'll be so far away. From home. From me! From me! From meeeeeeeeeeeee and won't be coming back to either have the baby or to raise the baby. Her job, her child's father, her life? Is here now. I'm honestly not unhappy about that part, simply because I have to make a choice between knowing what's in South Africa and what's here in Thailand, for them. I HAVE to be realistic and selfless about what awaits her as far as their future, in South Africa as opposed to where she has now settled. All good and well, her entire family, except for Lindsie, is back in South Africa. And yes, we're all bummed about the fact that so much distance separates us but she would be coming home to no job, to instability, to a country that on some level, we all wish we didn't have to be stuck in because it's future there is so uncertain. I can't be selfish. I won't.

Crazy thing is that I fell pregnant with her almost exactly a month before she did, at the same age, 21 turning 22 years old by the time that baby is born. I am grateful that I've had some time to spend getting to know her boyfriend. I've both heard and seen that he treats her well, and that they're settled in their relationship and talking seriously about plans for their future together. Her father, brother and grandfather will also have that chance soon.

Mannnn, I'm also so excited, because that's my grandchild, my very first grandchild and no further explanation is needed as far as that.

I'm very grateful too that my mum and I are here right now. That we were able to go with her to her first ultrasound and doctors visit on Friday and when I saw that white little dot on the screen?

Everything became real.

Everything is REAL now and I'm not even tryna focus any thought on the fact that before the week is out? I'm leaving both of them behind 'cause if I do. I would possibly drown in my own tears.

The fact that our grandbaby will only know us but so much? That's pulling harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd at my heart strings. Urrrrrrrgh? Seriously though? What is it about me and long distance things? Now I gotta have a long distance grandchild too!

Really?

I guess at this stage, all I can do is offer her as much support as I can, from home, and simply trust God's plans for this situation. One things for sure though, I'll be back here as soon as my grandbaby is born! MissionSaveLikeMyLifeDependsOnIt begins as soon as I get home!

This heat? My skin? I had to go to the pharmacy to get meds for that too! You don't get sunburned but if your skin is as sensitive as mine is? You're gonna break out into one big itchy rash.

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More Grand Canyon Pics

I hit send by mistake.....that's 'cause I'm thinking about my little Cruzzicles!


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Grand Canyon

We still haven't reached the temple yet. Today it wasn't because we were late, it's because the heat was just crazy! We'd planned to go to the Grand Canyon and Doi Suthep. Made it to one and then just came back and cooled off in the ac in the apartment.

The Grand Canyon here in Chiang Mai? It has got to be theeee most breathtakingly gorgeous piece of earth in existence! OMG!!!! And Sunday was a good day to go out there too. Everyone swam...not me! Hahahahha! No! Thank you very much. I don't swim in a hurry. Not if a shark isn't chasing me from the dry ground into the water and back out again. Yeah, then I'll breast stroke the fuck outa that swim! Other than that? I'll watch the bags.

We had lunch from the restaurant at the Grand Canyon and what I liked about that place was that compared to everywhere else I've eaten here, the prices were on par. It wasn't overpriced like a normal tourist attraction would be! You know, normally they're out there trying to help you go broke on ya vacation but not there. I had the chicken fried rice with a mixed berry yoghurt smoothie. Delicious is an understatement! Smoothies are quite popular I see. Dammmm, I had a mango smoothie the other night at the market, I swear it was like eating the mango itself! M-M-Mmmmmm! I really can't say that I've eaten something that I couldn't swallow so far.

We all enjoyed the view for about three hours and then we got back into our Song Thaew and came back home.

Been here ever since. It's just too hellish hot out there.

Tomorrow? Hahahahahahha! The temple is the plan...that's all Ima say for now. It's Lyle's birthday and he wants to spend it there and hey? I'm not complaining 'cause the wait has been longer and longer!

It feels like it's gonna be an early night tonight. Last night, it was another 3 or 4am night. It's not a matter of not being tired. It's more restlessness. 'Specially my legs? Can somebody tell me why I only have restless leg syndrome when I'm not sleeping in my own bed?

Got a message from my ex husband today telling me that Cruzzy isn't eating so I guessed it was because he was missing me and sent him a voice note. The dog. Yes! He's a person, too! -_-

I then get another message and a voice note back to tell me and let me hear that he's barking all sad listening to my voice. My heart sank! :-(

Dogs and their owners....

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