Happy Father’s Day!

Happy Father's Day to all of the Dad's out there.  I sound like a Facebook status, uuuurgh!   Won’t happen again, I promise!  Not forgetting the mads.  The mom's who are dad's!  Whoop whoop!  Double gift!  I wish too!  Doesn't exactly work that way but still, I do hope that you were appreciated in some kind of way! 

Speaking of family.  I was driving away from the mall before the soccer grounds yesterday and two cars away from where I was parked, was a hatchback car with its boot open.  At a mall?  An open boot?  I dunno about you, but I'd expect to see parcels or if you just got there?  Outdoor chairs, umbrella or something?  No-no!  No-NO!  Today?!?  On Fathers Day?  There was a car seat.  With a little boy sitting in it!  Looked about three or four!  Sad.  :-(  I'm assuming he was sad because he wasn't smiling.  Plus he was stuck in the booth of his parent's car.  That wouldn't impress me either.  I'd be asking myself why I was born. 

Maybe he didn't wish his father today?  I dunno, it could be anything.  And it was anything………but right!  At least, to me.  Look, he didn't appear uncomfortable or breathless, or like "help me help me" or nothing.  Boy was chilled...but without the pimp smirk.  Unless the parcels go on the back seat and the kids go in the boot in that household?  Unless before I happened to turn my bandana'd head to the left, his dad had brought him from the back seat, in his car seat, to the boot?  Because his dad was standing right there.  Maybe he was attached to his car seat?  Like some kids are attached to a teddybear or a blanket.  Trying to imagine a kid hugging their car seat in bed?  Change positions, and BAMMM!  Knock their head against the hard plastic….painful attachment!  

If you have a baby, try to discourage that.  Push for the teddybear.  They make for better pacifiers.  And friends.  Car seats can’t talk.  Only teddybears can.  Could be that he was mad at his parents and he wanted to sit in the boot so he didn't have to look at them.  Needed time alone to relfect on why he was born.  You know how your parents get so mad at you, “Go to your room, I can’t even look at you right now!”  Kids have those moments.  They’re human too.  Even though some of you call them animals.  And ask them if they were born in a barn because they didn’t close the door after they went outside.  I was almost born on a freeway.  That’s why I feel so attached to the road.  Whenever I’m driving, I always do my utmost to stay on it.  Even when I’m walking.  I have to touch it with every step.  Each family has their own way of doing things, I guess.  Those are the most logical things I can think of as to why that boy rode to the mall in the car boot.  And I use the word, logical, as loosely as I possibly can.  If I used it any loosel-ier, LOL, sorry!  But if I loosen it any more than I already have, it would fall off this page.  And the TV is too loud right now for me to think up a word of my own so…

While we’re on the subject of things not being tight?  My clothes are getting loose again.  I’ve conquered the second and last day of that vile spinach.  I was clever this time though because I didn’t want to waste half of it like I did the previous time?  I made a little bit.  Like I was explaining to Geese?  If I cooked annnny less of it?  I’d be stirring an empty pot.   Don’t get me wrong, I love spinach.  On a normal day.  When oil can be used.  And chillies.  And garlic.  Have you tried to soften or brown onions in water?  Not cool!  Not cool at all!  That’s why someone invented oil!  They knew how cool it wasn’t to cook with water!  I could just kiss that person right on the top of their bald head!  I envision a bald-headed person to have invented oil, don’t ask me why.  I know.  I should picture an oily person because it makes more sense, but I don’t.  Not everything in life makes sense.  You will learn that as you grow up.  Hopefully.  But if you invented oil and you’re reading this, and you have hair?  I’m sorry.  My intention was to share my vision, not to offend. 

Seeing as we just celebrated Father's Day?  What's your fondest memory of your dad?  One of mine is that he made sure to bring us something sweet and fattening every single Friday when we were growing up.  We couldn’t wait for him to get home on a Friday!  I blame him for me having a mouth full of sweet teeth!  Good blame but.  Not bad, grudging blame like "Youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" and grinding teeth!  Not that kinda blame!  We called our Friday treat, "whatsabought".  Ay, don't look at me with that "huh?" expression.  I'm clueless on how that name came about, or whether it did because we didn't know how to speak proper English?  That would be badddd but to my knowledge, our English was fine.  We just knew it as “whatsabought” and as such, called it that.  When in home, do as…so?  I think I may just investigate its origin though.  Pretty sure I won't find my answers on Google, else I could just tell you right now.  One things for sure?  It had to have been my mum!  That's something you can expect from her.  Anything, funny, tricky or mischievous?  Follow the trail and it will lead you straight to her.       

Annnnnnyway…it’s time for me to love and leave you.  For now.  I hope you missed me this weekend.  And if you didn't, that's okay.  I missed me getting up on here to Ramble Responsibly.  One is always better than nothing.  Don’t get it twisted now, that doesn’t apply to chocolate!  But that would make me self-missed.  'Cause I missed myself.  Would that be considered an out of body experience?  Hmmmmmm?  I’m going to go and ponder on that for a bit...

Chief of the Jungle

Next week this time?  I will be approaching the finish line with the diet!  Soon as it hits midnight, I fear for any chocolate that might be lying around…in my bag…that I may or may not have bought earlier on in the day.  I’m going the whole nine yards.  I’m even gonna act surprised that I found a chocolate in my bag!  As easy as this diet is…it draggggggggs out the days.  If I was eating normal, it would already be the end of June by now.  I don’t know if you wanna take that as a lesson and just don’t ever go on diet or..?  Or not diet on a Monday so that the day can fly by?  Unless you’re on vacation or something and you need time to practically stand still, then the 13 day diet is just the thing for you!  You will lose weight while not growing old fast. 

Now you understand where the term “Time flies when you’re having fun” comes from?  On a normal day, when I’m unwrapping a chocolate bar?  Whoooooooooooooooooooosh!  Don’t even taste the chocolate!  Don’t even remember I had a chocolate.  Or if I did, I may be hunting down the house pet thinking it came and snatched it right out of my hand!  That’s how fast time flies.  I have fun eating chocolates.  And cakes…And chocolates...And mannnnnnn?  Why am I doing this to myself!

Breaking news.  This news broke my heart, for real, for real!  We now have a new Chief of Police.  “She served for three years as a non-executive board member at Absa, South Africa's biggest retail bank, and before that spent several years as a senior executive at state-owned rail-freight firm Transnet.  Most recently, she oversaw a presidential committee looking at the efficiency of state enterprises.”  Uhhhhhhh-huh?  Okie-dokes!  So?  What does a person even say to this?  What are you saying to this?  I am at a loss for words!  Just like she is at a loss for experience.  We already have a wicked crime problem right?  Yes?  Agreed?!?!?  Okay, just checking that I’m still sitting at my desk in SA!  Best our president could do after he fired Cele was to employ someone with NO experience for the worst possible position in which toooooo have no experience?  That was the best?  There was no retired Army General sitting at home just waiting to make sure some arrests were made to clean up our streets?  I don’t believe you!  Aaaaaargh!  Talk about an epic fail!  I would throw my hands up in the air in frustration right now?  But then I wouldn’t be able to keep typing.

Forgive my negativity.  It’s a negative sign to me.  I’m positively negative.  Two negatives don’t make a positive.  It actually does, but I’m drifting.  Negativity causes me to drift. And you know what this means, don’t you?  We can allllll apply to become chief of police when the position is once again available!  All you need is to be able to?  Breathe.  And be a person.  I saw all the animals running towards me like, “Breathe?!  Did you say breathe?!?!  That’s it!  That’s all?”  I just knocked the wind out of them with the person specification.  They’re all feeling rather negative too right now.  Sorry guys…Chin up!  I’m sure the jungle needs a chief of police too. 

http://www.iol.co.za/news/crime-courts/sa-puzzled-by-first-female-police-chief-1.1319301#.T9spPBdzV6I

Winter Bias

Must a persons foot get itchy while cutting carrots at five in the morning with boots on?  Annnnnd Murphy?  Says, "Why, yessss!"  Nevermind that I did three washing loads, and it decides to rain >_< !  It's like when your eye itches after you've chopped up chillies.  And forgot.  But make a cup of tea?  Eye's are glossy and gleaming!  How did these become known as Murphy's Law?  Does anybody know that or who this person is that keeps making life so uncomfortable for humans?  And has someone thrashed him yet?  Don't all the Murphy's run and hide now, I'm not putting a hit out on you, per say.  But if we can't find the lawmaking Murphy?  It'll just be Murphy's Law that you were given that name.  Sommmmebody has to pay for all our burning eyes and itchy boot covered feet!  As embarrassing as it is to admit, I used to think, when I was very young, that shoes shrunk.  I never for a minute thought that our feet grew and that that was the reason our shoes didn't fit after a while.  Nobody told me otherwise.  But then again, I wasn't very vocal about it.  Thankfully.

And I now understand why some animals hibernate in Winter.  Why wasn't I born a bear?  It woulda been traumatizing for my mum and dad, ofcourse, but still.  These are my feelings we’re talking about.  Meanwhile?  We're not the ones covered in fur but they get to hide and go sleep for three months when it’s cold.  Hmmmpf!

Imagine it!  Stand up quickly.  Look a bit to your left, highhher...highhhhher, put your imaginative face on…now point as if you're pointing to somewhere far.  Okay, thatttttt's it.  Now we’re in character!  Imagine being able to just eat yourself into a coma?!?  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  What a life!  I would drink from chocolate fountains.  Eat two kilograms of pasta at one go!  An ocean full of grilled chilli prawns would be at my mercy…and I’ll have none…no mercy…not no prawns!  Eat twelve of those chocolate mousse cakes Russia brought when I was visited Geese!  Consume just crazy portions of my favourite foods.  Because I can!  And nobody will see me when all of that goes to my hips…but?!?  I shall sashay out in Summer after I’ve eaten my own fat while I was asleep.

That's what they do.  Hibernate is another word for coma.  For real!  I’ve researched it.  For real.  Because they eat and eat and eat and then just before they have that last humongous meal?  They push their trolleys full of Winter-Eve food from their forest grocery store, go and hide so that when they've eaten that last meal…eaten themselves paralyzed, they can just lay in that cave,  or wherever they went to "hibernate", burping and rubbing their tummies and then?  Fall into a deeeeeeeeep sleep.  Then their bodies feed off their own selves.  The fat selves of their body's.  By Summer time?  They’ve lost all of that Pre-Winter weight.  Then they walk around naked…fur all exposed and shit. 

If every species under the sun could do that, including us?  The universe would just be silent, for three months, except for the odd burp and random moan as you change positions.  But you won't know that you're changing position, 'cause you’re hibernating, comatically.  Annnnnnd here come the word police again! 

Officer of the word:  “Miss Rambler, we’ve let things slide up to now….but records show that you’re a repeat offender!  We’re gonna have to take you in.”

Miss Rambler:  “With all due respect, Officer?  I don’t moan when you guys just go around wasting letters.  Using them when we don’t even need to pronounce in words?  We could have had a few more words in the dictionary if you didn’t abuse the “h” or the “p” like you did!  Even the poor “t” ” 

(Sister Lynn jumps out of nowhere: “YES!  Tell’m…and I WANNA KNOW RIGHT NOW!  RIGHT NOW why there is a “p” in pneumonia!”)

Officer of the word:  “Weren’t you the one who told to my fellow lawman that you shouldn’t get a speeding fine because you were only driving at 120km/hr?

Lynn:  “Maybe.”

Officer of the word:  “Weren’t you the same one who was going wayyyyyy above that but then tried to pretend as if you weren’t?”

Lynn:  “m-maybe.”

Officer of the word:  “Should you be jumping out here and demanding things like this then?  After you insisted to him that you were going 120km/hr, only because you THOUGHT the speed limit was 120km/hr?  But then you had to quickly eat your words once he told you, “All well and good ma’m, but the speed limit is 100km/hr?”

Lynn:  “Was exercising…not jumping…I just happened to…jump, I mean exercise and start yelling about words and stuff near your’ll.  Funny huh?  That you guys were also talking about words.”

Officer of the word:  “Mmmmm-m!”

Dietary Requirements

Day 3 was good!  Especially dinner!  Grilled chicken and salad.  Lunch?  Like I was telling Wendy yesterday.  This diet, along with weight loss, very cleverly causes you, on a daily basis, to begin at least one sentence with, "You know, there's only so much..." Because for lunch, part of the meal was green beans.  As much as I can crunch on a few raw green beans when the opportunity arises?  It doesn't arise often and it's normally in passing.  Like when I'm passing through a very dark, dreary, sugar free tunnel.  The tunnels name is "On Diet."  An entire bowl?  Nnnnnnnnnnnnn!  "You know, there's only so much..." 

So?  Seeing as it’s midweek, what have you got planned for this weekend?  Limited calories also cause me to ask these deep, thought-provoking questions!  I have another babyshower, but I’m not gonna say it.  You’re gonna start thinking that I’m some kinda babyshower-attendee-for-hire or something.  Just to make the room look fuller.  So, and like my mum says when she starts a story and knows she’s dying to tell you the rest but shouldn’t…”Ay, I rather shut my mouth!”  And then waits.  For someone to say, “You can’t start a story and then just say that??!?”  That’s allllllllll the coercing that she needs.  And she calls me Lester Loose Lips.

I’ve had many requests on Facebook for a copy of this diet, so I thought I would copy it here for whomever else wants to try it but are too afraid to ask…LOL!  Just a few suggestions before I go.  I have two slices of wholewheat bread, I know it seems as though you’re allowed to eat an entire loaf if you want but…don’t do it.  I know it’s tempting, especially for those people who tend to be technical.  I see you already, buttons popped open, full as a python, pointing at the page and yelling, “It said as much as you want!”  And then the carrots and cheese, I steamed the carrots in water in the microwave with salt, once it they were softer than hard, I sliced the cheese on top after I drained the water out, and melted it in the microwave, it was reallllly tasty.  The grilled chicken tastes good with salt and pepper and sliced onion, just add the onion before it’s almost cooked.  The spinach?  I let the onions soften in a little bit of water, COUGH, and added the spinach, COUGH, salt and pepper…best of luck with the spinach…CHOKE, hold your nose closed and just swallow if you have to.  That really is the only thing I struggled with so far.  And in all honesty, I can already feel a difference in my jeans.  And ofcourse there was the ham that was trying to beat me in a test of wills.  And I’ve learnt from that mistake…my choice will be chicken when they use that slash between the two!  Good luck everyone!

THE DIET

Due to the strength of this diet, it is recommended that you plan it so that you do not have any big events planned during your next 13 days.

The best starting time is on a Sunday, which only gives you one miserable weekend.  This allows you to lose a minimum of 9kg’s, only if it is done strictly.  From the 14^th day you can start eating normally again, without putting on weight for three years because the diet has altered your metabolism.

Eat you whole-wheat bread with only a scraping of margarine.

Please note that you need to drink a minimum of 2 litres of water per day.  The purpose of this diet is to change your metabolism, with the result that after this diet you can eat normally again.  Please note that this is not a traditional crash diet, but a diet to change metabolism digestion as it continues to work after 13 days.  If the diet is followed in a strict manner, you should lose all excess body fat, between 9 – 20kg’s.  This diet must be followed for 13 days only – no longer and no less.

If during the 13 days you consume 1 beer, 1 glass of wine, one piece of chewing gum or any extra food, you might as well stop this diet because it becomes pointless and the diet will have no effect in this case, you may try again after 3 months.

If you have followed the diet perfectly for 13 days, you must not repeat it under any circumstances before 12 months have passed.  It is recommended that this diet is repeated every 2 years if so required.

NO MILK OR SUGAR IS ALLOWED.  You may use Sweetner, Lemon Juice, Onions, salt and pepper.

Day 1

Mon              BREAKFAST : Coffee (as much as you like, no milk and sugar)                                   

                     LUNCH : 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach (as much as you like)

                     SUPPER : Grilled Steak/Chicken (as much as you like)

                                                                                                                                                            

Day 2

Tues              BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled Steak/Chicken, green salad (cucumber and lettuce) and quality fruit 

                     SUPPER : Ham/Chicken (as much as you like)

                                                                                        

Day 3           

Wed              BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : 2 boiled eggs, tomato salad and green beans                                               

                     SUPPER : Ham/Chicken and green salad

                                                                                                                                                            

Day 4

Thurs            BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Cooked/Raw carrots and cheese (as much as you like)                                 

                     SUPPER : Fruit Salad and natural/plain yoghurt

                                                                                        

Day 5

Fri                 BREAKFAST :  Carrots with lemon and coffee                                                              

                     LUNCH : Grilled white fish and raw tomato                                                                 

                     SUPPER : Grilled Steak/Chicken and salad

Day 6

Sat                BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled de-skinned chicken (as much as you like)                                          

                     SUPPER : 2 boiled eggs and carrots

                                                                                        

Day 7

Sun                BREAKFAST : Lemon tea                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled Steak/Chicken and fruit (as much as you like)

                     SUPPER : Anything you like (not even on the menu) (sensible meal)

Day 8

Mon              BREAKFAST : Coffee                                  

                     LUNCH : 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach (as much as you like)

                     SUPPER : Grilled Steak/Chicken (as much as you like)

Day 9

Tues              BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled Steak/Chicken, green salad (cucumber and lettuce)                         

                     SUPPER : Ham/Chicken (as much as you like)

Day 10

Wed              BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : 2 boiled eggs, tomato salad and green beans                                               

                     SUPPER : Ham/Chicken and green salad

Day 11

Thurs            BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Cooked/Raw carrots and cheese (as much as you like)                                 

                     SUPPER : Fruit Salad and natural/plain yoghurt

Day 12

Fri                 BREAKFAST :  Carrots with lemon and coffee                                                              

                     LUNCH : Grilled white fish and raw tomato                                                                 

                     SUPPER : Grilled Steak/Chicken and salad

Day 13

Sat                BREAKFAST : Coffee and whole wheat bread (as much as you like)                           

                     LUNCH : Grilled de-skinned chicken (as much as you like)                                          

                     SUPPER : 2 boiled eggs and carrots

Emergency Lane Anyone?!

Aside from feeling as though I was high?  Cracked lips tingling and all!  Day 2 went off without a hitch.  I literally floated through it.  I feel lighter already!  No, I don't.  When on diet?  Spur yourself on with lies.  It works.  I don't know whose turn it is to drive today?  Where am I?!  Oh yeah.  In the kitchen staring at two eggs boiling.  The ham and I?  Last night.  Had a staring competition too.  After I’d eaten about five slices in the kitchen?  I walked to the lounge, took my saucer of ham, set it on the table.  Walked back to the kitchen, took my saucer of ham, set it on the counter.  Walked back to the lounge, took my saucer of ham, set it on the table.  I sat down on the two-seater couch.  Turned to the saucer.  Raised my one eyebrow.  It retaliated by just lying there.  On the saucer.  Looking hammish.  There's just so much ham you can eat 'til you start feeling like a pig.  An unhappy salty pig full of ham.  I'm not tryna feel like anything other than a slender giraffe right now.  That ham had to go.  So I ate it, and when it came down to the last two slices?  I walked away.  Strutted off like the slender giraffe I aspire to be.  And now, our diet bus has turned the corner into Day 3! 

Laterrrrr that morning…..

Did you feel the suspense in that?  I was like, “Laterrrrr that morning…”  My fingers typed that in that deep, suspensy, movie voice.  What would the world be like if our fingers could talk?  Do you think they would all have the same pitch or would your baby finger have like a very squeaky child-like tone?  Annnnd, found out whose turn it was to drive.  Mine. 

I need some help.  Can someone tell me who takes an emergency lane off of a freeway to make space for a taxi/bus lane?  Before the World Cup in 2010, we had an emergency lane.  My thought on the emergency lane was that it was for emergencies.  Did you think the same thing?  So you could be confident that when your tyre rolled off or your vehicle caught on fire, you’d just veer off the fast lane and shimmy on over to the emergency lane.  Traffic would be only affected for as long as it took for you to shimmy on over.  Unless?!?!?!  Other cars caught on fire and it was your cars fault.  It would take a little longer then.  And there would be a lot of finger pointing. 

But now?  We don’t have an emergency lane.  For a bicycle?  YES!  A bicycle could fit in that little space between the yellow line and plants and barrier thing on the side of the freeway!  But ofcourse, bicycles are not allowed on the freeway.  So that’s a waste.  You’re just allowed to run across it.  And then wonder why you’re now able to see seventy metre’s down from where your starting line was and your legs are still running, on their own on the other side of the freeway.  “Because that car just came out of nowhere and I was running, across the freeway…it didn’t even stop!  It saw me.  Now I lost my socks.  ‘Cause they were on my legs.”  I’m sorry but if bicycles are not allowed to run, spin, wheel or whatever on the freeway, where the cars are free to drive without worrying about a stop street coming up or a traffic light, you should not be on the freeway trying to cross it.  That’s what they built the bridges for.  Let’s allllllll sing, “If you’re lazy and you know it, clap your hands!”  Meanwhile, where’s the laziness when you’ve lifted a big boulder, walked up the stairs of the bridge and waited.  Patiently.  Lifted it again?  And threw it over onto the car driving underneath it?  Ran back down the stairs of the bridge…and robbed the person?  Ohhhhhhhh, okay…you were feeling frisky that day, okay.  We all understand now.

I got a little carried away there, so let’s get back to the fact that if your car breaks down, you have to fix it in the lane that it broke down in!  That’s why the freeway was backed up today.  A taxi, those $#@&^ taxis!  It broke down.  So up to that point, we were short a lane.  I was singing.  I didn’t care.  My toes cared because they got numb from having to change gears from two to one, one to two, two to one for about thirty minutes!  

Normally you see the thirty passengers and three goats standing around outside the broken down taxi.  Worn and worried.  Frown lines deeper than Randyl’s door given dimple, because they’re gonna be late for work, or goat farming or something?  Some take a smoke break and rightfully so.  Others start thumbing a ride from passing cars….LOL!  Noooooh, they don’t.  And I only saw one picture a few years back where there were goats and people came out of a taxi.  Wait, I’m going to see if I can find that pic and post it….here you go....

This morning though, I think all of the passengers ran to work.  One or two may have rode the goats but there was nobody but the conductor and the driver trying to fix…something. 

Rambling On…

Okay, so, Debbie almost had a heart attack from my last post.  No, she's not invisible or a figment of my imagination.  I admit, sheepishly, that I have many of those but, no, she's not one of them.  She commented on my Facebook Rambling at Random page..."Noooooooooooooooooooo--You just need to learn to prioritise your time betta...Or make the blog a wee bit shorter,then u can focus on the book too...You CANNOT leave the blog readers in the lurch...Lol..Good luck with the book."  When someone says, N with so many o's like that?  What's a girl 'sposed to do?! 

So?  For Debbie, and my other blog readers...both real and imaginary.  My favourite imaginary reader is Ellen Degeneres, by the way.  We're mutual fans.  She waits with baited breath for my next post.  More than she looks forward to her own show!  How's thattt!  I don't have the heart to disappoint Debbie and Ellen, so I'm going to try shorter blogs and see how that works out. 

My thumbs just have soh much to type about!  ^_^!  Much atype about nothing!  I remember seeing that movie with a friend of mine when I was young.  In the olden days, HA!  Much Ado About Nothing!  They were not lying when they used the word nothing!  I blame us.  We had a choice.  But in our defence, we were trying to check whether we possessed some kind of theatrical culture but after that movie, I knew, mine hadn't developed yet.  It was still in that 2-week shrimpish looking stage.  And now, it's cold and I've run out of sweetener.  It's like de-javu!  Let me reflect for a moment on what brought about these nostalgic feelings...Ahhhhhhhhhhh yes!  I felt just like this throughout that movie!  Miserable and bitter! 

As for this Winter, damn Winter!  This one’s been like punishment for what we did in Summer!  God is like..."I know what you did last Summer...here!  Take THAT!  Crack your lips when you least expect it, you little Summer Sinner...of mine!"  That's what I love about God.  He punishes you while being affectionate.  "Of mine..."  That’s when you know you are loved unconditionally.  I was sitting and testing Damon last night and everytime I sucked my lips, there was a fiery sensation in a new spot.  I wasn't testing him outside?  In the cold, cruel elements?  We were right here on my bed.  And my bed's not outside either!  Said to myself, "Now that's what you call skilled vengeance.  The ability to cause a persons lips to crack while they're indoors, testing their son on Natural Science!  Gotta learn how to do that with the kids!"     

And whether or not you want to, you will be a passenger on my diet bus.  We have 12 days to reach our destination to the land of skin and bones!  Because I've reached Day 2?  Not only do I get to enjoy that sense of accomplishment?  I get to add wholewheat bread to my breakfast today!  Yayyyyness!  Drank so much coffee yesterday, it sent me straight into a deep two and a half hour slumber by 1.30pm!  And here I thought, I'd be hypers!  Being a teapot, my body was clearly coff-used, and terrified!  Petrified enough to scare some fat away, I hope!  At one point, I sat cuddled up against my mum on the couch thinking, "Are my ears supposed to be sore?"  A voice told me that they might be detoxing, I dunno!  And even that?  Could have just been Day 1 hallucinations.  It’s possible with all of that coffee…and boiled egg…and CHOKE…spinach.       

Rascals and Realizations

Is there something wrong with NOT trying to take what belongs to others? Is there something wrong with NOT invading the privacy of others? If some of us can do it? Why exactly can't everybody do it?!
This rant stems, not from my diet, but from the visit I just got from my neighbour who came to warn me to make sure my kids and I are careful when coming in or going out our own property because the unsavory characters are "operating" in our area! Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!! The lady next door, was woken early hours of the morning when she heard noises and when she got to the window? Two guys with cutters and a hammer were trying to cut threw her window or burglar guards and when she confronted them, they looked at her like, "fuck you gonna do?" Thankfully, there was a male in the house, whom she called and that was the only time they left!

Now my question is, who wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, "Wow! What a stunning day today is? I think I'm going to pack up my power tools and terrorize someone in their home!" I don't. Millions of people I know, don't! Well I don't actually know millions of people. Don't be technical. This is really not the time. I'm on diet, I'm scared, plus that spinach I had to eat earlier made me very angry.

So now that everyone is aware of my mental state, back to the subject at hand. I have an opinion, which IS? If you can plan CRAP like this? Why not plan to pack your credentials on a page and go out and look for a job!?!? Thing is this though, our caliber of thieves? Premium! They could get a job in no time. They're intelligent, innovative, perceptive, think out of the box, know how to operate heavy machinery or pull off heavy jobs with light machinery, can easily hack into sophisticated security, plus they have since found a better use for discarded CD's...just, brilliant beyond compare!

I've been contemplating this for a few days now but hearing what has happened just a few steps from my own front door has made me realize something. I have to cut back on my blogging. Not stop altogether, but daily blogging? Nope! You're looking at this post like, "So what you're saying is? Less blogging is gonna stop the boogiemans from coming?" No. If the police can't, less blogging won't either but this is the situation. I am a single mother with all the duties that a two-parent household has. There is never a time when I am sitting and just writing for hours on end. I write when I have a gap in my day, like when I'm on my way to work, before I leave for work, before I go to bed, at babyshowers, while I'm bathing, etc. It's what you could call, stolen time, MY stolen time. Time that I have every right to steal. From myself! Because it's mine. But I now see that it's time that I really have to make, count. If not for me, but for the two people in my life that depend on me and will always look to me to have things together and in some kind of working order.

The truth is that I've slacked off on my novel and it keeps giving me the evil eye! I like to be liked. It bothers me when ill-feelings are directed at me. And knowing that I'm not in good books with my...book? I can't take it! And when I hear things like this, it means that I've gotta make a better effort. Since I have set up my blog, my second book has started collecting dust, not more words on more pages. But because my book is not as talented as our criminals are, it hasn't yet come up with a way of writing itself. Which sucks because it would have made life a lot easier and I could have continued having the fun I've been having with my daily blogs.

But more importantly, each one of us are where we are because that's as far as our pockets will take us. That's just how it is. If I don't work harder to pave the way for a better life for my kids, nobody else will and they'll be stuck right here in this very place, at the mercy of people who place no value on anything. Be it your possessions or your life! And worse? Here? It's been made far too easy for people like that to thrive. I'm well aware that money can't buy security, but it can buy you choices. And if I've given them nothing up to now? I need to give them at least that. I'm not sitting here saying that my books will be overnight successes? Neither am I saying that they won't. But I'm holding onto the faith that they won't be written in vain and just like the lotto, you'll never win if you don't enter! I don't wanna leave them knowing that I didn't try. Afterall, I wanna enjoy heaven. I love singing and dancing so I don't wanna miss out on any of that 'cause I'm crouched in a corner, holding my cheeks and distorting my face, guilt ridden about..."I was too damn busy blogging! Now, I've left them stuck in that awful place without the choice to leave or stay!"

My blog will definitely not go a week without a post or mayyyyybe two, but I just need to invest some of that time in The Switch now. There are six months left of this year, and by December, if I'm lucky, I can have it done and then I can come back to Ramble Responsibly on a full time basis! Wish me luck...!
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Cold Case

My diet begins today. I'm sitting in bed sipping on black coffee and sweetener. That's all I can have for breakfast. Coffee! That I NEVER drink. If I appear angry or hypers or just not myself? You all know why. Myself loves chocolates and they're not part of this diet! I am therefore, a woman scorned. For the next 13 days. That's all I have to say about that!

Went to my niece's baby shower yesterday. Yeah, yeah, you can say it. People are getting married and having babies left, right and centre in my family! We should be at a head count of a thousand by now. That's what happens when your granny starts off having eleven children and blames the fact that they had no TV. Then goes on to close the justification process by saying, "We HAD to find something else to do to pass the time!" FUN FACT? You can only use that one for as long as we don't know what the word, horny, means, so...BUSTED! And I sang that word in capital letters in a high lingering tone!

By the way, has anyone seen a uterus running around? Or lying still? Somewhere? We just wanna do a quick check before we put my aunts missing one on a milk carton? Inbox me, please? And thank you, in advance for any leads you might give us.

My cousin has three breasts. Thank goodness, he's not a she! Heyyyy, I got it! Maybe the third one is my aunt uterus? Lemme jusssss....write that down. I need to remember to ask him if there's anything he'd like to get off his chest.

Thing is? She went to the hospital some weeks ago for pain in her abdomen and they did a scan. They put gel, looked, put gel, looked, put gel, looked, finished the gel, and still nothing? I'm sad to report that her uterus is officially lost. At the shower yesterday, Ali felt her arms and back and everything for any strange lumps? Not there. We even kept our eyes peeled, driving home from the shower.

She was telling us that after the search to locate it via ultrasound failed? She got all frantic, asking the nurse, "Where's my uterus? Where's my uterus?!" And she simply told her, "Look? Let's not worry about that right now. Let's rather see to what you came here for?" O_O! I was still looking at her, laughing, like this, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha! And feeling cold! Thinking she was gonna say the nurse was just making a little jokey-joke to take her mind off her runaway uterus, but that was IT. That's bad. That is badddd! If anyone SHOULD give a damn about a persons missing organs? It's a nurse! Could be that she was having a bad day and was probably thinking, "Pfffffft! Last 15 minutes of this shitty shift? Plus now I gotta walk alllllll the way to the shitty storeroom for more shitty gel? You still tryna send ME on a shitty uterus hunt? Not. Gonna. Happen! Sheeeittttt! Best I can do is let you know if I happen upon it on my shitty way there and back!"

Doc eventually diagnosed Aunty with gallstones. I should have been an investigator 'cause immediately, I started coming up with theories! I'm thinking, it got tired of just sitting there, bored, and needed a change of scenery so it carefully planned its escape and that it was actually pieces of her uterus PRETENDING to be gallstones. They're pretty smart, those things! I wouldn't be shocked! I wouldn't! They are almost single-handedly responsible for the existence of both the human race and some of the animal race! The mammalistic ones.

And you're free to argue, but only if you're holding her uterus in your hand. Other than that, my theory goes. Uhmmmm-m! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. And like a good investigator should, I'm sticking to my second theory too. Unlike my aunts uterus that got unstuck from wherever it's normally stuck to and somehow, mayyyyyyyyyyybe, is disguising itself as my cousins third breast?

Quick question? Do men have breasts? Doesn't sound right to say it like that but if I just say chest, then it sounds like he has three chests! Ag, I'm just gonna go with what normally has a nipple until I'm given the correct term. I could just google it but? I don't want to. 'Cause I'm on diet! I'm not sure when last she saw it because we were still young, the first time I found out about his unique chest. So this might very well be one of those 30 year old cold case situations.

Just thinking.....my heart and stomach organs are on the opposite side of my body and I have a 34 year old lump on my forehead? Cuz has three breasts or man-chest-things or whateveryouwannacallit? Aunt's uterus performed its own rendition of Prison Break? Randyl's deeper dimple was given to her by a door? Summer was born with red streaks in her black hair? My sister transformed into public transport while she slept. Repeatedly! Wendy falls UP stairs? Repeatedly too! Sunshine only sweats on one side of his face?

Is it me or is something seeming a bit off with this picture?
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