After Action

As the title of my blog so aptly suggests?  I'm late.  A-gain.  Contrary to the impression that my untimely posts have given off?  In my daily activities, I’m very much obsessed with being early or at the very least, on time.  Sadly, the time thief now hates me...booooo-hoooooo!  What matter most is that I’m here, right?!?!  Reporting the news azzzzzzz and when I get....around to it....(cough).  Thank goodness this isn’t my motivation letter to E-Entertainment for that journalist position they’ve just opened up, in my imagination.

Believe it or not, I've been trying to finish this post for three or however many days now.  Back when we sat with baited breath to see what the outcome would be.  Predictable as we knew it was and would be?  We still stubbornly wasted baited breath.  Breath that woulda been well spent on something the government was planning.  Or on the budget speech later today.  But thaaaaaaat’s alright.  Not as though we won’t get another chance.

So.............?  Oscar's out on bail.  O_O!  What. A. Shocker!  Huh? 

That's all.  That's it!  Saying anything further would render me biased and as a Libra?  I've always prided myself on being fair.  

Blink.......

Foot tap.....

Inner cheek bite.....

Eyeball roam....

Nervous leg shake....Okay?  Enough!

Lies!  I hate!  Lemme quickly tell you why I'm saying that before I say nothing further on the subject.  If my boyfriend shot me?  I would scream.  Case closed.  Bang.  Bang.  Alllllllll rise!  Court is adjourned.  Parking tickets will not be validated, thank you very much.

And before I promptly change the subject?  If you require further elaboration on my earth shattering closing argument?  Here it is. 

I'd scream.  :-/    Not because I'm a woman.  Youuuuuuuuu know you'd scream like the little girl you could have been if your chromosomes were set up differently!

At least...?  After the first bullet rips through my fragile skin.  If I were a beautiful model?  My skin most definitely would be fragile.  Anything after that first bone-chilling scream?  I hate pain.  So much so that I chose to give birth without the epidural.  I took these child-bearing hips of mine seriously and weighed the pain of the needle in my back against the pain of pushing a person out my body...inaccurately!  That's one mistake I won't make again.  Twice bitten, thrice shy.

Back to hypothetically being shot by my boyfriend.....After my first scream?  I'd probably have that open mouth expression where I'm truthfully crying.  My nephew does those silent cries at times.  All you see is his mouth WIDDDDDDDDE OPEN and his face turning blue.  For me though?  Shock and more than a pinch of terror have swallowed my voice because well....?  It burns like hell's fire, or so I've heard.  Not to mention that these aren't even close to the plans we had for February, 14^th.  But most importantly because he's still shooting and I'm not ready to die....in a toilet. 

And if after my first and only frightful girly bark about, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!  That hurt, darling!!"  Followed by thoughts of how much Vitamin E oil I'd have to go through to lighten that scar?  Camera picks up every blemish.  He stillllllll thought I was a burglar?  Then that doesn't say anything remotely encouraging about our relationship up to that point!  I've suddenly realized how much time and energy I've wasted being with him that I'm like, "Just.....kill me now..."  And then realize...."Oh F&*%!"

We're all adults here, are we not?  Most of us have experienced being in sommmmmmmme type of sexual situation, right!!?  I say that with absolute confidence since I hardly believe that any one of my readers is a Catholic priest.  Now....You tell me?  Aren't painful screams on several levels akin to cries of passion?  Uhhhhhhhh-huh!  I see you shaking your head.  Okay, okay, so not everybody voices their pleasure.  But you have an idea of what I’m talking about, don’t you?  From Fatal Attraction or that Sharon Stone movie or Fifty Shades.  Or the neighbours?  Do you have dog’s?  

I-I'm sorry.  There certainly are times when silence is anything but golden.  That would be one of them...A-HEM!  

Th-Throat.

Unless the imaginary burglar, sounded like Reeva in the throes of passion?  Then I can no doubt, fully understand his confusion. Definitely disturbing.  But I’ve seen worst.  

And that my friends?  Cover the sound aspects of it.  I swore I said I wasn’t talking about this....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well....shrug....I tried.  I’m not perfect and I’m perfectly fine with that.  But it does however lead me to the very burning question of?  Who am I...........?

..................to wonder how, in the dark?  His vision was onnnnnnnly 20/20 when it came time to traipse over to the balcony?  Retrieve the fan.  Reach for his gun.  Hear the burglar-like sounds.  Okay, that has nothing to do with sight.  Strike that from the record.  And later, to find a bat...but come time to see his white girlfriend?  Blind as that bat! 

Clearly, my neutral stance on this entire saga supports our policy of “guilty until proven innocent.”

Chill Pill

I'm not saying they're bad?  Nnnnnnnnnn...on second thought?  Letttt's leave that to personal opinion.  All I'm saying is that I'd be hell surprised if they weren't designed by a women-hating psycho with a twitching third nostril!  Come to think of it?  I'd be fuming with my mother too, but?!?  Hey?  Why are we all being tormented for one person’s error in judgement?  Isn’t it public knowledge that fornicating with a distant cousin could possibly cause your offspring to have an extra eye, nineteen toes or in this case?  A third nostril?  I don’t even have to tell you that the Bible is against such acts of multiplication.  Your mother should ha...nevermind.  Pointless statement. 

Before the men start whining about, "Ohhhhhh there she goes!  Typical woman, that Rambler!  Blaming men for contraceptive pills!"  Small shiny little bastards, they are!  And before the men start whining about, "Now she's calling us small shiny little bastards?!?"  No, I’m not.  But if there’s a cap to fit everybody?  Women-haters can be women too, so...?  Chill.  I have idea!  Why not try a birth control pill!  It’s my current experience that those nasty buggers will keep you swallowing until you’re digesting parts of your throat that'd be best kept for when your teeth become extinct! 

Like that hanging part at the back of your mouth.  Say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  Yeah!  That thing!  The uvula!  Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah!  You forgot, didn't you?  Well?  You're not alone!  If the internet hadn't been invented, I'd not have remembered it either just now.  When I did a search.  A-hem!  On "that hanging thing at the back of the mouth."  Truth be told.  It’s not even like I did remember it.  Even when I read what it was called.  I’ve never ever seen that word in my goddamm life!  And I wasn’t born yesterday.  Sounds like some African President or something.  President Uvuuuuuuuula!  And just like ours?  It serves no purpose apart from just...dangling in the background, confusing people!

You think I'm kidding around but I just found out from my new Biology teacher?  Mr. Google.  Mr. Internet Google.  And this?  I already knew, by the way!  The uvula has no actual scientific function other than to cause adults to appear dumb as doornails when their knowledge thirsty kids look to them and ask, "Ma?  What's this hanging thing at the back of my mouth for?" 

Ofcourse?  My opportunity detector immediate kicked in!  So, without any scientific fact for humankind to run back to, print out and slap in my face?  I've decided that my suspicions can now be documented!  I hereby state that, scientifically?  See?  Now if you hear someone misinforming their kid?  Youuuuu can now run back to my scientific documentation, print it out and paper-slap them.  I know that that aggravating group of people who live for nothing but to prove anyyyyyyyything, anybody else says?  Wrong!  Are salivating right now, like, "Ask your mum.  Ask your mum!"  This is proving to be an all round beneficial expedition, isn't it? 

Protected by Copyright Laws of 2013:  It is hereby my finding that the uvula is there to show your throat which direction it's meant to face.  Think of the air hostesses on the plane before take-off.  That delightful way that they illustrate the directions of the exit seats with their hands!  They are the uvula of the aircraft!  Plain and simple.  Science needn't be complicated, you know?  To this day?  I haven't heard of anyone's throat facing north. 

Conclusion to my finding:  The job that I’ve decided it's doing?  It's doing quite well!  

I'm confident that we’ve learnt about the uvula baccccccccccccck when Biology was still called Biology and we had a choice to study it on Higher Grade or Standard Grade.  Mannnnn?  Those were the days, huh?  Now?  The only Grade there is for Life Science is "Da fuck did I choose this subject for?"  

While we’re on the subject of da fuck?  They say that the contraceptive pill causes weight gain in some women.  Guess what?!?!  I now know how da fuck that happens!  It's allllllllllll those things you have to shove in your mouth in an effort to get that one evil little freakin' M&M-wanna-be to go down your throat.  I'm like?  "Really??!?!  A powder didn't occur to that tri-twitching-nostrilled devil child?"  The answer is obviously no!  That would be tooooo much like considerate for those of us who have contraceptive pill intolerant throats. 

I always try to maintain that blame should be placed where blame belongs.  Therefore, revenge should be directed with that same philosophy.  Right?!  I’m getting that feeling like some of you are thinking, “Boyyyy?!??!  Bitter, aren’t we?”  I am!  As I rightfully should be.  On one hand?   We have the injection.  For chickens like myself?  Not an option!  On the other hand?  We have the contraceptive pill.  Clearly, my throat is as much a chicken as I am!  So that’s a bust too.  Which leaves me with, “What exactly are my options here?”

Succumb to that feeling of having something lodged in your oesophagus alllllllll day, every day?  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, the horror!  Or?  Acne!  Or?  Unblanced hormones!  Look at that!  I can't even spell anymore!  WTF is unblanced? 

......................................................Or having as many offspring as Zuma does!  O_O!  You know what?!?!  That alone was reason enough to scurry off and stock up on the torture pills!  My sister's dog died from overbreed!  If there were triple the amount of breeding seasons per year?  B#@%h be like, “Another six coming up....!”  I'm not tryna be put to rest with a headstone that reads.....Random Rambler: Gave birth to death!

Love You to Death...

Sooooooh....spill it, spill it! What are the plans? Dinner? Flowers? Fat?! I mean, chocolates? Ya know, ye ol' Rambler is nothing but a soft, mushy, sarcastic, romantic at heart. You're shocked, aren't you? Well, don't be! Every one of us have a soft, mushy side.

Even Oscar Pistoffius! Pistoffatus? Pistori....Pistori-something. Granted! That side of him might be a biiiiiiiiiiit difficult to see right now? Since it is alleged that he kinda....shot his girlfriend four times on the morning of Valentines Day!

Ahhhhhhhh yeS! The Valentines Day gift that evvvvvvery girlfriend wants! No pulse! But?!? I'm sure he cried when he was being arrested for murder. And there you have it! Proof of soft and mushy. I-I think O_o!

I honestly thought I was being singled out and picked on by Venus when today rolled around and Geese didn't magically appear in front of me? In person. Couple that with being banished to the interior of my home for now, the fourth day straight and being unable to stay awake for any decent lengths of time? You have to admit. All evidence pointed squarely in favour of my theory.

But ay? After reading that? Like, I kept seeing, Oscar this, Oscar that, and then with the broadcasted jokes and everything. Now you take that and my already deepening-by-the-minute feelings of isolation at the hands of Venus? Ofcourse, I did exactly what any interested citizen with an internet connection, would do. I googled, Oscar shot girlfriend!

I've been humbled. And thankful that at worst? Let's see...how did Geese put it? Hmmmmmmm? Oh yeah! Thankful that at worst.....my blood pressure is as low as a dead person. I know. You're asking the person to your left, "But why would she be thankful for low blood pressure?" Because I live.

Unlike Oscars now, ex-girlfriend. A FHM model, I might add! For her to have been a long-time girlfriend and then be mistaken for a burglar by none other than......Oscar, the long-time now, ex-boyfriend? You think you know a person...smh!

All that tells me? Is that Pretoria must have a wholllllllllle 'nother calibre of burglars. Eh? Our burglars? Police Files models at best! I hope for his sake that he didn't kill her on purpose. Although? Four times...hmmmmmm? Kinda hard not to get that impression.

Look?!? Was she covered from head to toe that she was thaaaaaaaaat unrecognizable? And then? Okay. Okay. Benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people don't switch the light on when there's a burglar in the house. You don't wanna scare them. With light. Did he just shoot wild in the dark but then just so happennnnnnn....to hit the target....four times? The scream from when the first bullet hit? Still not enough of a clue, huh? No?

Allllllll that aside! What confuses me the most!?! Didn't he know that in South Africa, it's illegal to shoot a burglar...BEFORE they shoot you?

And now? On that cheery note? I wish all the love birds out there, a wonderful Valentines Day. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it? Treasure it, nurture it and most of all? Don't mistake it for a burglar!

Happy Valentines Day, Geese!
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Ellen Lent Me Kindness

Yesssssssss! Ellen as in the Degeneres kind! I absolutely LOVE her. She's simply beyond lovable. Like? She's just made up of cute little particles of love...and MISCHIEF! You didn't know this? But meeting her is on my list of dreams. Along with hugging Michael Jackson. Annnnnnd? If THAT is anything to go by? Then it'll never happen. But!?!? What are we without impossible dreams, right?

Exactly!

Speaking about dreams? Leigh called me an awwwwwesome this and that and then finished off her compliment by whining about me being responsible for her having nothing to read before bedtime. Can you see how everything inter-connects? Well, no? She said nothing about not being able to dream because of it, but I'm covering all my bases.

Have you ever felt as though you're walking sideways? I see crabs everywhere going, "Duhhhh!" As disorientated as I feel right now? I've come to satisfy her thirst for my ramblings like the good, little dizzy blogger that I am!

I've been out of action these past days due to a viral bug, hellishly low blood pressure and get this......? Adrenal fatigue! Which we all know is a cute alternative to "stress". All except me, that is. I had no idea wtf doc was talking about. As my mouth opened to ask, "Wait! My adrenal is tired? I-I mean, my adrenal-in? Wtf?!? Hmmmmmpf! Trust me to be saddled with lazy-ass adrenal-----in!!!" But before I could judge my adrenal----in harshly? He quickly said, "Stress!" Musta noted the skewed confusion on my face?

There's always that one moment where you either begin to outright, panic or just, feel that everything's gonna be okay. Unlike that morning in LA where I could taste my own fear? I knew then that I was in good hands! Yeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Doc was super observant and quick on the uptake too, but?!? Because it's been a while since I practised fickle-arity? It didn't take me long to change my mind.

All it took was filling out my prescription? A sure sign that my fickle reactor was still in perfect working order. Forget that he was able to diagnose me from a few words and a pressure testing machine? Once I got to the pharmacy and saw that he'd prescribed me five tablets to take, aside from the two that I'm already having to take? That was all I needed! In the midst of a vigorous protest by my throat? He very swiftly turned from the good doc to some seriously offensive adjectives.....doc.

For want of not having my blog shut down by the Internet Offensive Adjectives Committee (I bet you that the IOAC actually exists!) I can only describe those adjectives as @+*#:;?!@#####!!!!! But more importantly? Lent begins today and if you can't be symbolically offensive, then? You have to wait 'til after Lent is over.

Throughout my life, many a year of Lent have passed by. But what always stands out to me is the Thursday to Sunday of Easter! I've never been one of those deep thinkers, you know? Then again? Maybe I was, and just didn't share my thoughts....with myself. But I somehow don't think that because Jesus reverted to being alive on Easter Sunday? It meant that, we should then revert to being who and what we were before Lent began. Merely my opinion! I'm not tryna start a religious war. I'm sick. So? Just saying. Why not allow Lent to make you a better person forever, instead of for just forty days.

Last night while scrolling through my news feeds on Facebook? I was inspired by Ellen's Kindness Week and because of that? Paige got her hair ironed by me despite the state I was in. And after that? I posted a status on Facebook that read, "Have you done something kind for someone today? There's still time!"

I received some comments on it, all of which were great but two of them said that they would adopt that concept for Lent! Which thrilled me because it's my way of knowing that I've inspired someone, positively. Just like Ellen had inspired me. And that's what paying it forward means, doesn't it?

Personally? I've witnessed many, including myself, fall off of the "giving-up wagon"! And then you're guilt-ridden, because all you're seeing is that image of Jesus on the cross, and then being mind-thrashed by thoughts of, "He sacrificed His son for me and I couldn't even sacrifice chocolates?" And then you look around, the refrigerator is glaring at you. You turn your back to it, only to see the dishes giving you that same, "Shame on you, look!" You take one more bite of the Snicker Bar in your hand before you toss the last, very small, piece in the trash, outa embarrassment that you've failed in the company of your cutlery and large household appliances! While still chewing. Which then ultimately causes you to turn to the bottle for solace and retribution as soon as Easter Thursday comes around! Excluding me. I turn to marshmallow Easter eggs.

That's why I feel that adopting a kinder heart over Lent? Where your sacrifice comes from within. Where you're giving a piece of your own goodness to others instead of giving up the goodness that you are well aware you're addicted to? Is a really good idea. To instead, sacrifice, selfishness, over this period and hopefully have it become so ingrained in your person, that you don't actually stop once Lent is over?

Think about it. Seven billion people in this world...... tryna fit in....uhhhhh?!? That's a Justin Bieber track, sorry! Although? While we're on the topic? His voice? In that song. I love it because you can tell just how much it's grown and matured over the years. But I'm not here to stroke Justin's ego.

I'm here to stroke the ego's of many, many more people in the hopes of making the world a better place! Even if it DOES only last for forty days.

Thank you Ellen!
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The End is Nigh

Just looking at the date?  And guess what!  It's down to thirty six days 'til I see Geese again!  Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy us!  Because he will see me again tooooo!  :-)!!!  I can smell the floral scent of the airport.  Oh, wait?  That's the detergent I just threw in the washing machine.  Peep this!  And lemme tell you?  You don't appreciate your own emotional strength until you're in a relationship with someone who has an international dialling code before their telephone number!  

I couldn't have done it without him, though.  And I don't mean?  Be in a long distance relationship.  That would be like, "Duhhh!"  I'm talking about getting through these months with him there and me, here and all that happened in between!  Pirates invading ships and shit!  Lol....get it?  In between?  The ocean?  South Africa and the United States?  Pira....?  Okay, I know a bad joke when I type one! 

Ima leave that alone for now.  Rather tell you why I’m this excited!  The wait since my last visit?  Drumrollllllllllllll please........................................................................................................................................?

About FIVE HUNDRED AND FORTY DAYS. 

THUDDDD!!!!!  O_O!  I just passed out in my imagination!  Wait?  Ima do it again...

THUDDDD!!!!!  You should try this! 

^_^  See that?!  That's a smile after TWO THUDS!  Huh?  No, not two-thirds!  O_o!  Two-thirds of what?  Plus I hit my head hard the second time.  I'm telling you?  I might’ve just staggerred upon the fantasy of alllllll pain-fearing people.  Finally?  A painless way to hurt yourself!  It's like?  Come-onnnnnnnnnnn, try it!  It's like passing out on your own behalf!  I know I might seem a little too ambitious but now I can't WAIT to bunji-jump... for me! 

If liquor didn’t set off my sinus?  I'd be “poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard........”  Three days before departure!  Then use the next two days to recover since I---and this is why?  Limits are so crucial.  I went slightly overboard with the celebrating...like a G6.  Bwaaaahhahahahahaha, whatever the hell that means!  That song is on repeat in my head for some reason. 

But then?  The sneezing?  And sniff, sniff.  Wishing for sweets.  That comatose feeling?  Partly from the sinus, and partly from realizing that you still have to do your evening duties!  Regardless of the fact that your sensory organs are either without sensation, itchy or simply out of order....Uuuuuurgh!  Then Paige suddenly has urgent business to take care of.  Somewherrrrrrrrrrre!  Other than where I lay in thorough wretchedness, five minutes into the forehead massage she’s giving me. 

I don’t know what’s worse?  The sinus attack or....?!?!  The hollow feeling that washes over you when you’re eyes are jusssssssst starting to roll back and then?!?! 

“I’ll carry on just now....okay, Ma?” 

>_< 

Experience has taught me that it takes a good few minutes to set your eyeballs straight and find your bearings in time to stop someone running to get away from your forehead.  When allllll you really wanna do at that point?  Is merely lose all pride and dignity and....beg.  But she’s gone by then.  You know how in Titanic when her voice goes and she’s like, “jaCk...jAck...Jack...!!!?”  But all you’re hearing is crackled whisper?  Yeah!  That’s the image that comes to mind as I’m typing.  Sometimes she does return.  I’ll give her that much!  But who wants to take that chance on Day 3 pre-departure?  You know? 

Sneezing aside?  I do enjoy being made with a built-in alcohol repellent.  Natural!  Tartrazine-free and...?  Like raisins?  We don’t expect it to contain any traces of peanuts!  And yes¸ I did say “made”!  Aren’t we made?  Like, if you ask a child.  Not even ask a child.  If I ask you?  “Who made you?”  Provided you’re not a smart-ass, you’d say, “My mum and dad.”  Right?  Unless you were grown in potting soil.  Which I doubt.  But I guess that would depend on the story you were told as a child.  We all have our own unique adventures of how we came to be.  You migggggght wanna do some research if you could relate to the potting soil....on any level.  Just-just saying.  Me?  I was told that I was practically thumbing a ride from off the emergency lane of the freeway.  In my newborn state.  “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  A-hem...ride please?”  However?  The emergency lane?  That is purely an assumption on my part.  Coulda been in the middle lane, shrug.  I-I wasn’t there.  Yet.

I’m just thinking?  Geese would never ever have to sprinkle anti-booze on my dinner while my back is turned!  What a life, huh!  I'll never ever have that fear of feeling as if I'm on the verge of death and he will never ever have the fear of looking at me, thinking, "Tsk, tsk, tsk....I told her those last six glasses would be too much.....now look what she made me do."  Every weekend.

I just lost a staring competition with a Snacker bar!  Shameless!  The end is nigh once health bars resort to temptation tactics!  I mean?  Just laying there like that!  That’s okay though, I made it disappear!  And now?  I can only concentrate on the fact that I'll be more than delighted when I reach the end of these next thirty six days!  I missssssss him!  

Well done to the Baltimore Ravens on their Superbowl win!  Whoooooooop-whooooooop!

Return of the Rambler

I did say in my last post that since school has begun? Time belongs to no man, didn't I?

Exhaustion!! Is. Not the word.

Frustration, is! I blame me, though! Had I resolutionized at the top of the year, not to get involved in the wheelings and dealings of Grade 7? None of this would be happening! So now?!? A girl has to wait an entire year to right that situation! And it is a situation, too! One very, very, very, draining situation! Lemme warn you. I'm seriously contemplating inventing a "Late Resolution Day" for people like me. At this point? I'm frenzied enough to attempt anything!

Tuesday night? I was so fraught...hmmmmm? Frenzied annnnd fraught? I'm so full of f words? Anyhoooo....I was so fraught about making sure that my son evaded detention for failing a test? They threatened us like that at the meeting last week. All we heard was detention, demerit, detention, don't, and mayyyyyyybe a few positive nouns thrown in here and there to soften the blow! I was thinking that too. School meetings aren't what they used to be where all they wanted was our money. They are now demanding our emotions too!

Yeah, yeah, I just saw that. And I'm gonna correct it, because it's, well? The proper thing to do, and possibly the correct perspective to have. What a pity that nary a person can assign detention to me. Because I? Have not reach that place of correct perspective as yet. Still on the anti-detention phase! It's a process. Like South Africa and democracy? Yeah! We may not live to see if the two ever really do meet at some point. Cough. As if nineteen years isn't long enough. But guess what? Patience. Aaaaah yes. That, wait...I need to....one, two, three.......double-edged eight-letter word....where on one side sits many a like-named woman who probably voted for the circus running this joint....and on the other side? A virtue thrown around by people who regret voting for the circus, but won't admit it.

A-hem! Not sure how I got there.....but........

For the sake of correctness? I wassssss also desperate, seriously...I was. Wink. Desperate for those history definitions to be a source of valuable education for him. I can tell you right now?!?! They certainly were for me. Yep! I can't even count the number of times I use the term, "Palaeontology" in my everyday conversation. You don't even realize just how many people approach you with, "What do you call the study of fossils?" Just yesterday? I looked at Mavis and thought, "Archaeological source." She's the tea lady at our office who insisted that I find out from H.R. whether pension age is 60 or 65 years old. Seems, at 58 years old? You can apparently tell that you're gonna be olllllllld once you reach 60!? LOL! Her words not mine! She coupled them with actions too! While the voice in my head roared with, "Why me?" The voice in hers was like, "Perhaps, if I do the slight head bend to the side with the sorrowful look, she might know what I mean when I say, Olllllllllllllllllllllld." Who knew that our very own tea lady was the Black Charlize Theron! O_o!

Aaaaargh! I've lost track of...OH! Tuesday night! Desperate for him to pass! No detention! Right!

By the time 10pm rolled around? After a day, for him, that consisted of nothing but school work, three meals, and a shower? When I noticed the fact that his eyes began altering their normal appearance and functionality? My desperation to avoid detention soared! I mean, uhhh, for the history to enhance his band of knowledge! I sent the boy for his cellphone? Ohhhhhh yeah! While he?!? Looked at me both drained and confused. I voice recorded myself. That's how I deal with desperation! Recording my voice calms me. Haaaahahahahahhaa! LOL! Alllmost had you with that one, huh?

I did voice record myself, though. And this time? Totally, not out of vanity or usual belief that I become one with whomever sings my "at the time" favourite song. Instead, I was purpose driven! Driven by the depths of desperation to the need to brainwash him! Yep! I said, "need to, brainwash and him" allllllllllllllll in the same sentence! Detain me, why don'cha! I'm being pushed to my limits here! Retaliation becomes a must! Mmmmmm-hmmm!

Heh-heh-heh! I always mistake myself for Black American when I say, "Mmmmmmm-hmmmm!" You know like when I'm singing? And mistakenly believe that I can? It's such a beautiful world in my head.

But! Hey?!? Desperation is one of the strongest emotions there is! Right?!? It has to be if it's brought out the mind controller in me. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I'd stoop that low, but yohhhhh?!? Shawdy got low low low low low low low..... Much like Damon's eyelids. My first step was to create my tool. So, I voice-recorded myself reading out that entire page of terms and definitions.

Execution....

I then told him to hook his ears up to the soothing sounds of mummy's history definitions for the weary! The boy listened for a few minutes, awoke?!? And was then knocked the fackkkk ouT! To add insult to injury? I then had to sit up while he slept, to hit the play button on the cellphone after every 4 minutes.....that one I didn't see coming but I had no choice but to carry out the plan to its completion....If I didn't know for sure that he was so worn out? I'd have taken gleeful pride in the fact that my voice sent him packing on an all expenses-paid trip to dreamland! Although, I'm doubting wholeheartedly, that I could squeeze any glee out of these pockets of offence that I feel towards teachers at this moment. Harsh? Yes. But, nevertheless, true!

And the truth shall set me free. Or?! Cause my boy to be upped to the level of victim if one of them actually read this. That was the reason he begged me not to write them a letter regarding the detention that he so rightfully earned. Well? If you're now wondering how I've gone from brainwashing the child in order to prevent him getting detention to now, writing letters because he got detention?

SMH!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! He gets detention for not attending sports practise on Monday! As if? As if he has his own vehicle and can simply drive his twelve year old ass home once his daily transport has left! Something's soh wrong with that reward! I was about to let them taste the wrath of the Rambler? Until he pleaded with me not to. Hence me setting your eyes on fire with all of this! Sorry. I am sorry, but I needed to let off some of this intense steam bubbling in my brain right now.

Look? I'm definitely not opposed to discipline, especially in school, but not attending sports practise because you didn't have a way to get home, thereafter? Bullshit, if you ask me! And then we get a circular last night, talking about how they're being detained for good reasons! So with all of that? I'm sure you're able to deduce the reasons why both him and I, are quite the nervous wrecks by now! It's like? A touch is a move! If you knew me? You'd know very well that walking on eggshells isn't something I enjoy on any level.

I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around the reason why sohhhh much work has to come home. It's daily homework. Unfinished work from that day's lesson. Whatever Oral presentation is due. Whatever test is due. Whatever assignment is due. The kid hasn't been able to play, a thing, after school. It's just been school, from morning to night, literally!

I was in Grade 7 twice before. No, noh! No, noh! Once me, and once Paige! This whole scenario that's playing out with Damon? Didn't happen with me, and neither did it with my daughter! Infact, I can't recall one time where my parents sat doing schoolwork with me until it had gotten so late that they had to formulate brainwashing methods to force me to remember what I'm being tested on. And I'm talking about righhhhhhhht up to the last day of my schooling career! Yes, yessssss! You won't find me arguing that alot can change in six years but in another twenty years, I don't want my son singing, "Have you seen my Childhood?!?"

Nevermind, I'll be right there as backup with, "Your primary school has it packed on the shelf along with the childhoods of all your classmates....!"

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POSITIVITY?!? BANNED!

FRONT PAGE NEWS!!!!!!!  THE ANC...and its allies.....ARE MADDDDDDDDDDD AS ALL HELL AT FIRST NATIONAL BANK! 

Nope!  They didn’t reject their loan application.  Uh-uhhh!  They didn’t make them wait three hours in the line for enquiries, either!  Instead?  They did the absolute unspoken!  Come.  Come sit next to me and I’ll tell you allllll about it!

Once that advertisement played out its 3.28 minutes?  After I desperately tried to turn over my screen like a page, looking to see whether there was more to come?  My first reaction was, “What a total waste of held breath that was!  >_<!!  I coulda saved that for when I had hiccups!”  PheW! 

Had my serious face onnn.  Chair was set at a precise angle.  Tea mug in my hand and popcorn in the microwave.  Alright!  Okayyyyyy!  No popcorn.  Mood set overkill.  And as though the man with the hooked-hand was two steps away from the shrieking woman?  But only I could see him?  I found myself at the edge of my seat, WATCHING, WAITING...and waitinnnnnnng and watching...and waitinnnnnng and waitinnnnnng.......to hear what the big fuss was with the FNB advert!  More specifically?  Why the ANC....and its allies, are reacting the way that they are!  And DAMMMIT!  Do you know what I saw?   (I don’t know how people think they can get away with these kinda ads to begin with!  SMH!)  I saw?  No finger pointing, no hate speech, no name dropping and not a mention of anything pointing directly at somebody or someparty! 

Downright...travestish, I telya!

I’m not gonna lie!  I might exaggerate a bit!  But?  I almost fell right off my chair when the only thing I saw?  Worth screaming this loud about?   Was simply a positive message by a 17 year old girl, bless her heart...to South Africa about its people working together in order to build. a. better. country.  The nervvvvve of those FNB advertising department bastards! 

That had to be theeeeeee worst display of patriotism that I have eVer seen!  O_o!  How dare FNB think for a minute that they could attempt to create an ad, containing an innocent yet passionate voice?  O_o!  A soft-toned melody!  O_o!  And a positive message!  O_o!  And then!?  To make matters worse?  Make sure that it reaches the 24 million television sets, that that website I just checked on, assumed there to be!  Not to mention the computer screens.  As a way to motivate the despondent masses!

Tsk  tsk  tsk.........don’t they know that we live in a democracy?  Free, fair and...and...one minute while I get something off of my chest quickly.... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

--_--

Seriously, though?  What’s with all the treachery allegations against FNB by the ANC...and its allies?  So what if some of our youth expressed their fears, disappointments and opinions about the state of a country that they will one day inherit?!?!  And then?  Was the ad, truthfully THAT unbearably encouraging?  That it’s caused this kind of reaction from the ruling party......A-HEM......and its allies? 

It’s sending out very confusing signals.  There was a time when all that mattered to the ANC was to be heard!  Whatever the cost!!  So that freedom could be gained!  But because people are now talking stridently, to gain freedom from them?  It now becomes a crisis.  I don’t know where anybody thinks they’re going by basically ordering its population to sit down, shut up....and like it!  That would make for a very silent future for South Africa, wouldn’t it? 

http://www.iol.co.za/news/politics/anc-fnb-clash-over-treacherous-ad-1.1456016

Probable Cause

First things first?!?  ^_^!  I am pleased to report that I am no longer suffering from RNS.   O_o!  I see you!  LOL!  After much deliberation and a sleepless night here and there?  Dreaming that you're about to be blown to smithereens tends to set off insomnia.  Go figure.  But all was not lost because I came up with what I believed to be an appropriate term for what was wrong with me. 

Rebellious Nipple Syndrome.  Mannnn!  I just amazzzzze myself at times.  Clearly, having to go to these lengths means that I haven’t been to the doctor as yet.  I have good reason.  Fear.  Until I build up the courage to go and voluntarily have my breasts assaulted like waffle dough.  The only amazing thing at that point will be how loud I wanted to scream but didn’t.  I’ll have good reason for that too.  Embarrassment. 

I'm willing to bet the larger parts of my thighs that they were not made for that!  At nary a point in the Bible, did it mention aNnnnything about mam........'Cause it states... women will give birth painfully.  We give birth painfully, right?  Cool!  We were fully aware of that when we became women.  Unless you have an epidural.  But still?  That biblical fact still remains just that, because had you gone au naturel?  It most definitely woulda felt like nineteen hands were gripping and twisting your organs and in an attempt to uproot them. 

Uhhhhhhhhhhm?  If you're pregnant for the first time?  And you just read that?  IGNORE IT!  I was just being dramatic.  Evvvven?  Even if you saw that picture that stated “The human body can withstand only up to 45 del(units) of pain, yet at the time of giving birth, a mother feels up to 57 del(units) of pain, which is similar to 20 bones being fractured at the same time.”  If you’ve seen that picture before?  Pay it no mind.  It's not thaaaaaaat sore.  Even without an epidural!   *_*  GULP..............I pr-promise. 

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahhahahahhahahhahahahhaa! 

-_-

I-I'm not laughing at anything that has to do with pain or birthing a first child.  I'm not.  SMH.  M-hmmmmm!  Someone's doing something funny.  Somewhere.  You know when they do that-that funny thing?  And you laugh hard even if you can't see them?  Yeah!  So, I am laughing.  But not 'cause I promised you a practically painless, epidural-free, birth.   

However, in the name of all that is true and just?  By the time you have your second baby?  You'll come to see that there aint no such thing.  You can't have both.  That’s called, being greedy.  Which is how we landed in this excruciating situation to being with.  But worry about that when you're having your second baby.  For now?  Concentrate on visions of slivers of sun rays bouncing off of fluffy white clouds that are hanging aimlessly between the vast mellow ocean and stunning baby-blue sky.  Also, on the promise I made....and maybe some laughing gas. 

Meanwhile?  You know what?  I still haven’t found that cereal. 

Sigh..................................  :-(  It hurt pretty badly to have to admit to myself that I’m not as good a detective as I’d imagined.  Do you even have to be a good detective, though?  To find clues to a box of----to a box of cereal?  Do you even have to be a detective at alllllll?  Couldn’t you be like, a detect...?  With half your senses and still find a motionless object!? 

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.  Not helping.  I’ve just watched in horror as my self-esteem crashed and burned.  Either way?  I give up!  I’m hanging up my detective bandana and filing that under Cold-Case No.2012/Cereal Disappearance.  It was probably bad for me, anyway.  If you ask me?  Probably what caused my RNS!  Probably?  They had to remove it from the shelves 'cause it has some kinda delayed reaction to nipples or some weird shit like that.  Jussss saying....it's probable. 

With that said?  School has officially opened for the year!  Which means?!  Time belongs to no man for the next three months.  By no man, I mean those parents who become so occupied with their kids’ school workload?  That they’re just short of attending class.  If you belong to this club?  How about we stage a strike before the teachers this year?  You know?  Switch things up a bit? 

Kidding, kidddddddddddddddding..........

put.  the.  rulers.  down! 

Knowledge is power! ^_^!  Knowledge is the key to success!  Uh-huhhhh!  See?  Positive role model.  Knowledge? YES!  Strike staging before the teachers?  NOOOOOOH!  O_o?  I-I wasn’t nodding my head when I said nooooooh! 

>_<!  Geeeeeeeez? 

On a serious note?  I’m crossing fingers for the safe journey of the text books to their destination schools this year.  Wait!  Wait!  My bad!  Lemme not put the cart before the horse.  What was I thinking!?!?!  I’m crossing fingers for the safe departure of the text books from their place of storage.  Therrrrrrrrre ya go!  It would be such a shame, yet somehow?  An expected one!!!  For history to repeat itself.  Not to mention how many student are repeating history.  Thanks to that entire textbook circus.

Pssssssssssssssssst, don’t forget...strike before the teachers....meeting date and time TBA!  

Mammo-Mia!!!

Mannnnn? And woMan! Tell the truth. How do you feel when you've been on a long----ishhhhh vacation and it's the night before the morning that you're meant to go back to work? Do most of your thoughts, start or end with, *&%@$%#$^%U^%&*^&#$%@%#^&*)(*&^%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ? Me toooooo! LOL! I telya! It doesn't matter how much you love your job! That last day of vacation is alwayyyys the angriest!

Needless to say?!! Emotionally, I was just not geared up to return to work yesterday. I considered sending my boss a text, asking, "Please can my emotions have another week off?" Ofcourse, I didn't actually believe...well not for too long at least...that he'd go for that. I know that if I were him? I woulda returned my text and told me to leave them at home. Make sure they get lots of rest, and then remind me that work begins promptly at 8am.

Today, however? Emotions aside. And I mean that. They've sidestepped! Not because they'd realized that without a choice, they'd better come along?!? Noooooooooh-no! Please! Where do you find such disciplined emotions? Uhhhh-uh! It's because, physically? I, the Responsible Rambler, am in burrrrrrrning pain!

-_O

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn?!?!?!? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?.....ay......O_o! What you are witnessing? Right this very second? Is a moment of Libran dilemma. Conflict between the true me and me that wants to be bold....for a cause! Hmmmmmmm?!?! Should I? Shouldn't I? You might wanna pull up a chair. This could take a while.

Could it be a case of too much info? Not really, some people need too much info?!?! But what if it comes across offensive? It could but who says it won't be helpful? You think you know too much.....info, that's the problem! You do know that we're not alone here, right?!? (Excuse me while I argue with myself). Rude! Just...be Stacey? Or maybe for once in your life...........be hmmmmmmmmmmm-M!?!?!? Okay! You know what? This can only help! But what if....sighhhhhhhhhh? Because.......because nothing! Just be bold. Bully!

Just for now.

Deeeeeeeeeeep breath....................

Two days ago, I noticed a sensation on my left nipple. Wait! WAAAAAAAAAIT! OMG! NO! Not-not sensation! Discomfort! Yes! That's what it was. Discomfort! Very uncomfortable discomfort too! The discomfort?! Has taken it upon itself to regress into downright OUCHHHHHH, where I can't even wear a seatbelt! Unless I hook it under my arm. Like that does me any good! So now I'm in uncomfortable discomfort PLUS half protected by my seatbelt.

At first, I thought maybe it was just sandwiched at a funny angle between my bra and breast?! O_O! What? Never happened to you? No problem. So I'm the only one in the worrrrrrrld that this may or may not have happened to? Well? I have another scenario for people in denial!

A-hem! Anyway. You know when you wake up and you're positive that you didn't walk into anything...with your ear? So, you spend the better part of the day trying to figure out why it's just....throbbing? And then your wiser, older, mother-hen of a colleague asks you if you slept with your ear......folded? Yeahhhhhhh! You know just what I mean now, don't you? Meanwhile? Your first comment to her, in your mind, was, "If I knew the answer to that? Don't you think I woulda unfolded it in my sleep too?"

So I brushed it off like, "Agggggggggggg, folded nipple...or something."

Well? It turns out to be......or something because it's now swollen, aching annnnnnnnnd there is a painful, hard lump behind it. Nevermind that it's remaining as upright as the National Flag on a proud day! Not here, but! In another country. Just a note? I'm speaking this openly about my nipple because I feel that once I find out what my problem is? Someone, somewhere, reading this, could benefit. If- if they folded their nipple too!

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaahaha!

A-HEM! My apologies! It's not---smh----not a joke. It's rather painful! And by rather, I mean.... DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN!

Moving on. So me and my trusted companion, Wendy? Went to the wellness clinic and first the nurse went to lunch. My companion was who knows where! Then I went to the pharmacist who took me to the head pharmacist who ignored me for a good ten minutes. I woulda left. But the pain made me stay. It also made me whisper and want to expose my breast there and then, when she finally decided to remember that I was there. I didn't even finish my fourth sentence and she told me, "You have to go to the doctor for that! There isn't anything we can give you, you have to see a doctor!"

So, off me and my other trusted companion, sore nipple, went. Wendy by now is sitting and waiting for me. The nurse was back and was with someone already but when I mouthed voicelessly to her, "Are you going to be long?" She came out and I quickly explained my condition to her! She's like, "How old are you?" Now you knowwww when they ask you that? You're meant to be doing something that you're not! When I tell her that I'm forty? "Have you had a mammogram done?" Now you knowwww when they ask you have you had something done? You should be doing it but you're not! "No?" Her eyes then widen in concern and all I'm thinking is, "Wherrrrrrrrre is the manual for when you turn forty???? What's with all these secret procedures that I'm supposed to be having but don't have a clue I'm supposed to be having them?????"

Then?!? I was like, but wait! Yeah! Yeahhhhh! I got this! I eyed Wendy and told the sweet nurse, "We did have a breast examination last month." And she shakes her head, "But did you have a scan?" Balloon burst! I was so sure it woulda meant more! Clearly, I'm missing something here! "No?" She then walks to Wendy and asks her and as if Wendy didn't hear me tell her about the exam? She tries the same line. The nurse? If she opened her eyes any wider? She'd be the one needing a procedure!

At the end of it all? She said that I should put a warm cloth on it and take anti-inflammatories or painkillers until I can get to the doctor! But that I do need to see the doctor and have a mammogram. Cough! As if I'm not in enough pain? Now I've gotta give them my breasts to snackwich too! I read up about it on the net and all casual they say, you put one breast at a time between the scanner thingy and the plastic thingy and it flattens them?!?

-_-

I'm forty years old. That doesn't mean that my breasts all of a sudden became double-jointed! And not like flat against you!???? Noooooooh! Flat the other way! Flat a-----------way from you!

I'm kinda thinking that the best gift for a woman turning forty? Is a mammogram voucher! That way, they'd know what their next step should be! You won't find those in the mall, I'll bet, but who knew that when I reached forty? I'd be wishing that someone went shopping for my gift at the doctors office!

............. To be continued (so suspency!)
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