Outa the Box

Wrote this thinking about the fact that sometimes we really don't see what's been or who's been in front of us all along. Sometimes we actually do but because it doesn't fit the picture of how we've always imagined life or love to be, we pass it up, trying to create that perfect imagery and wonder why at the end of it, it's back to the imaginary drawing board. These little boxes that we've built to live in can be what prevents us from being our happiest. It sometimes takes just one decision, one decision to punch through the boxes and then discover a whole new sense of existence. Here's to what and who I've always known to be my missing piece.


U R Me

If I had to put together the perfect man from scratch
He'd have your heart, your soul, every thread of hair would match
Your smile he would smile, the same eyes through which you see me
I'd mould him into your likeness so that he'd fit me completely

To me you're the truth I never thought I'd be told
A movie about purity I keep watching, never gets old
You're the warmest sweater I have hanging in my closet
I'm so in love with the way you're my favourite place to visit

If I could I'd switch places with you for just a few minutes
That's all the time that you'd need to be convinced
To feel how in every existing way it is that you fill me
How no matter what comes or goes, to me, you mean eternity

I've never been able to reach this level of elation
That tells me that every step I ever took were steps in your direction
I believe in this bond, I believe in the feelings that you inspire
I've always dreamed of being linked to a love I knew would never expire

I'm thinking I musta done something right, eventu-ally
'Cause you came like this gift, wrapped just for me
One that I get to open, over and over, on the daily
And then listen to it whisper three words, "U R Me"

By (c) 2015 Stacey Kell
2015.02.27



Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Positive Vibes

I watched the documentary called, The Secret, which is, The Law of Attraction, day before yesterday. Interesting indeeeeed. I'd recommend everyone and their aunts to watch it or if you're not into watching things, to read the book.

So I'm sitting there and they're talking and I'm listening. I was eating popcorn too so I really set the mood and everything! Thas how I roll! Well, I-I----sat with the popcorn, I'm not tryna choke or nothing, but I roll like that, ya know. And I'm listening and they're talking and they're talking and I go, "AH-HA!!!! That's #@*?!@!# why it used to be THAT way!" Ya Rambler sat up straighter, clutching the popcorn bowl! It used to be one of those delicious indian melting biscuit canisters. I turned it into a popcorn bowl by removing the lid. I shoulda patented that idea but I was thinking about paperwork at the time.

At this stage, I'm crunching that popcorn with a passion I telya! For some reason it tastes that much better when you're fascinated. 'Cause now my adrenalin's pumping right and I'm remembering this, this and that and a mixture of epiphany's and realisations are flying left, right and centre, knocking mosquito's over and shit! You really shoulda been there!

One thing stood out for me while I continued to watch. When I chose to surround myself by the doom and gloom kinda company, including my own, it was almost all that I was experiencing in my life. One thing after another but once I chose to rid my life of the negativity that kept coming at me through my thoughts and through my words and the words of people that I intentionally and really just stubbornly kept close to me? Now that I've made better choices as far as the company that I keep, including my own? Evvvvvvvvverything has changed.

I don't think I've ever felt this content and excited, even with everything NOT YET exactly the way that I want it to be, the happiness that I feel absolutely outweighs any misplaced parts of my life's plan. And it helps too that I now understand that my life is a current work in progress....^_^!

More and more I'm starting to see that it has taken a direction of growth and being a lot more honest with myself, more than anything else where when I reflect on what it was like some years ago----where I was emotionally and psychologically? I'm like, "DaaaaaaaaaaaYaaaaaaaaaam, Rambler!" I'm constantly learning and accepting but what I've learnt most to do is relax. I'm not the stress bag that I used to be, feeling inside as if I'm this headless chicken running WILD, crashing into walls everytime a challenging situation arose. Naaaaaah! I'm surfing those waves with a smile on my face, confident that everything will work out for the best. It helps.

Life feels so much calmer when you learn to relax and instead of looking for the doom in a situation, look for the lesson and teach it after everything is said and done. There are so many out there dealing with the same or similar that could use your words of encouragement. Don't be selfish with the words of encouragement. Words of encouragement are good. Like chocolate. I couldn't have even begun to experience any of that had I not cut the ropes of negative influence and presence in my life.

Even just leading up to watching this documentary, in retrospect, I can visualize myself walking up to this door, ya know? Do you----do you know? What I'm saying?

And this is what this documentary basically teaches. It teaches a conditioning of the mind towards positive thought, positive words, positive reflection, you know? Negativity breeds negativity, positivity breeds positivity. Yeah. And the gratitude for what you have right now and for what's to come, belief in what you desire being fulfilled simply by asking for it and then focusing your mind on living daily as if you already have all that you desire. Conditioning it so that you don't give life and power to the struggle in a situation.

See? See what I'm saying? That last sentence alone! That was deep----ish!

My kids are doing great! My relationship with my family is way, wayyyyyyyy better than it has been over the past years! I'm gonna give credit where credit is due and that's to forgiveness. It's made all of the difference but I know with all certainty that if I didn't make the choices that I've made? I wouldn't have been able to. Or more truthfully, I wouldn't have been allowed to until I put myself in a position to allow myself to. Forgiving doesn't eliminate the memories, ofcourse but even so, the most important part of that is that the grudges that one holds onto, the part that was crippling you, is released. Besides, not forgetting keeps you aware.

I'm now in a relationship that feels like a Godsend in my life. Every day feels like a magical place to live. This is what I feel as though I'd been preparing for, growing for, changing for. There's a quote I've happened upon that read, "One day you will meet someone who makes you see why it didn't work out with anybody else."

I finally have the answer that I've been looking for, for aggggggges. "Is this all that there is...?" Well? The answer was, "Nope..." And if you're asking yourself that very same question, be patient and instead, tell yourself, "I really can't wait to enjoy all of the wonderfully DESERVING things that life still has in store for me!"

So all in all, I do agree with what this documentary teaches. Being positive has changed my life for the BEST! With all of that said? Ya Rambler has a full day at the office tomorrow which means she's gotta hit the sack in a few!

Ramble Responsibly while I'm away, okay?
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

My Valentines Day Surprise

CUZ I'm HAPPPPPPPPY! CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEE-EEL LIKE A ROOM WITHOUT A ROO-OOF! CUZ I'm HAPPPPPPPPY!

Sighhhhhhhh! That was such a beautifully loving, sigh right there.

My babylove sweetly went behind my back and planned this surprise with my daughter and my cousin for me for Valentines Day! And I wondered what was up, 'cause she kept asking have you talked to him, is he awake, where's he. They get along like a house on fire. But HE! Doesn't live in South Africa.

So, we're skyping today like we often do and my buzzer goes off and I can't for the life of me imagine who it could be because I wasn't expecting anybody. My daughter goes flying down my driveway so I go back to the computer and say, "Aaaah, must be Linds (her sister-cousin)." He casually let's me believe that until my daughter comes into my room with these two absolutely stunning bouquets and a huge card, smiling as if she just met Santa in Summer! I'm like, "Wowwww, who sent you those?!?"

She gleams at him on the computer screen, he's gleaming back at her, she says, "They're for you, from him!" Now I'm gleaming, he's gleaming, she's gleaming, we're just up on there having a gleamfest on skype, and I'm just floored, I didn't see that coming. AT ALL!

There are these gorgeous deep pink daisies and baby pink roses in the one bouquet and these deep red roses in the other, just! Just! Beautiful! I was dreading Valentine's Day being here and him being there, he knew that and I look at him and he says, "Happy Valentines Day, baby."

I could have exploded with emotion, right on that bed! I'd still be gleaming though! A gleaming explosion, is what I woulda been! I still haven't stopped smiling. Ya Rambler is floating on Cloud 99999999999999999999 right now. My Valentine is theee best ever, he's just everything and I've never been happier. This man has given me a new lease on life in every single way possible!

I needed to share this with all of you, if I could shout it out to the world I would because his effort and his time and his thought and his love, he put into making sure that I didn't have the "I'd rather sleep through it" Valentines Day that I was imagining. He showed me today. And THAT'S how you love a person. You show it, not say it. But then, he always does, in one way or another.

Happy Valentines Day everybody! I wish for you, a memorable day just like this. I know I'll never forget this one! I plan on book pressing every single flower in those bouquets so that today can last for a lifetime, hahahahhaahahaha!

Thank you too, to Santa's silent helpers! This means everything to me.

XOXOXO!
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Video Coverage of the #SONA2015 Dramafest

Here you go....


http://www.enca.com/south-africa/eff-disrupts-sona-ordered-leave-parliament

#SONA2015 Disgrace of the Nation

I'm speechless!
The State of the Nation address tonight, well...what I could stomach to watch that is, was funny to say the least, wasn't it? And not in a HAHAHAHA kinda way. Noooooh, no ne-ooooh. More like in a, "Funny how they didn't see that coming from the EFF and us little people could!" kinda way.
My mum had called me to see how I was doing earlier and she was beyond excited about it! I was sitting there watching it and thinking, "You did say 'I'm just waiting for it to see what mad acts are gonna go on.'" That was after I said, "I'm not watching it, that foolishness is just gonna make me angry!"
It worked! I'll give our South African government this much though. That buncha "I've run our of names", they never disappoint! Not when it comes to turning our beautiful country into a three-ring circus.
Right now we don't have electricity on a continuous basis, yet we have this arrogance. We don't have security on any basis, yet we have this arrogance. We don't have hygienic government hospitals, yet we have this arrogance. We don't have desks and chairs and textbooks in certain government schools, yet we have this arrogance.
Appalling, and that's putting it mildly. I say arrogance because if our government genuinely cared about this country, they would recognise that they are hardly equipped to run it yet they refuse to admit it but what they are more than willing to do is blame a government structure that was last in power, 21 years ago! That's arrogance of the worst kind.
If you're reading this, you must have internet access and if you have internet access, I dare you to go and look up the video's of what went down tonight in parliament. Needless to say? After the drama....and something as simple as this....When the President was introducing his special guests, whoooo-hooooo, how nice, and referred to our Miss World, as Ronell Strauss and not Rolene? I got up and walked out! JUST like the DA did after Madam Speaker #2 took us all on a TOTALLY UNNECESSARY roller coaster ride just to get a simple answer from the question, "Were those the SAPS or were those the parliamentary security that came in to remove the EFF!"
D'you know what came to mind? When a kid presses their lips together so hard that you can't even hope or threaten to get one drop of their antibiotic into their mouth! Or when you're eating a sandwich next to your son and think to yourself, "He will like this." And you're like, "Damo, taste this...." While lovingly shoving the slice of your sandwich so close to his face that crumbs are falling on his eyeballs.
And then;
Damon: "No thanks, Ma."
The mother (just because I named him my son's name, doesn't make the mother, m(cough)e): "Just taste it, you will like it."
Damon, eyeing the lettuce: "Nooooh, Ma, I don't want. I just ate."
The mother: "Damon?!?! I'm ordering you! Just a smalllllll bite! Taste iT!"
Damon, appearing slightly confused at the mother's insistence, puts distance between himself and the slice of bread: "M-mmmmmm, how Ma?"
The mother, with pursed lips begins to speak without separating her top row of teeth from her bottom: "J------Jus------JUST taste it! A small bite! You will LIKE it!"
Damon relents and opens his mouth jusssssssssst enough for a minute bite."
The mother watches his reaction!
Damon stares at the rest of the sandwich.
The mother: "See?!?"
Damon: "Can I have another bite please?"
She would not answer that question for NOTHING!!! Until she was felt the breadcrumbs in eyeballs! Until she realized that they were not gonna stop asking that question! Only then, after all of the pointless round-and-round-the-merry-go-round vomit she kept spewing out, she then decided to be arrogant enough to say that she couldn't pick out who is SAPS and who wasn't. Arrogance! That's when the DA walked out. I bet I know what was in their minds at that point but freedom of speech will not allow me to divulge.
Anyhoo.....Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. Out they go. Meanwhile back on the presidents face? Not a damn thing is happening! His mouth did not open! I guess when it all comes down to it, one cannot demand the respect that they don't deserve and I couldn't help wondering if something like this would ever happen when Nelson Mandela spoke, when Obama spoke?
The man sat silent amidst all of these top class performances. And if he did speak, it might have been during my trip to "WTF hell goes on in this place I call home?!?!" We've all been there so-so you know very well how distracting that journey is.
I didn't watch any further so I can't responsibly ramble about what followed. Most of my stitches came out today, I'm just not tryna bust open my wounds due to frustration. I refuse to put myself in any kinda danger over this bullllllsh!t! Watching the parts that I did watch were already threatening the little bit of sanity that I have left.

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

You're Beautiful

What kinda life are you over there settling for?
Draggin yourself along that extra mile while he keeps fallin' short
Don't you even believe that you oughta be treasured?
Against what is it that your worth is being measured?

Look at you, so beautiful yet you've turned blind to that very fact
That mirror that you're lookin' into is riddled with lies cracks
You've got so much more to offer than you even realize
It's all waitin' beyond the reflection you see in his broken eyes

Don't give up on your self, you've done all that you can do
For someone who won't show a lick of appreciation for you
Begin feedin' your own spirit with some-a-that honour from now on
'Stead of plantin' it in places from which you should be long gone

Maybe you thought your constant sacrifices would mean somethin' to him
Sometimes they do, or they don't, depends for whom you're making them
Release it all, everything you've been desperately clutchin' since
Take those arms of yours and wrap'm around your chokin' confidence

It's okay to be without a him, lonely is better than being stripped
And when your dignity grows back, you'll find that we all at one time, tripped
So now rise to a kneel, then crawl and stroll before you run
'Cause you will, you're beautiful, don't give you up for none


By (C) 2015 Stacey Kell
2015.01.29
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Reporting Live.....

I thought I'd wait for them to give me that special blue tablet that makes me sleep for a day and a half, before I came up on here. More to wake up tomorrow to see what kinda blog sleeping med's caused me to post, heh-heh-heh! An experiment of sorts. My future self was real excited at the thought of what my present self would be thinking in that delirious state but my sensible self remembered that I'm here to ramble responsibly and said, "No! What d'you think this is? Blog of a high-ass patient?" My future self was like, "What kinda boring......!"

But I stopped. I gotta listen to my self, you know. The less mistakes you have to fix in life, the better. Plus it's raining.

O_o?!?!

What?!?

That piece of information is very relevant to some people, you know. Like farmers or-or-or people waiting to wear a new raincoat.

Yeah, yeah, I'm in the hospital once again. Soon, it will be "Live from the red ovaries." Hahahahahaha! -_-! I'm not laughing. I am. No, I'm not. At least, not because it's funny. Just....I handle these things better when I can find humour in them.

The camera crew goes in on Friday. I'm having those procedures that end with -----scopy. Two of them. But it's all good though, I have my eyesight, my ability to speak and walk! I have my health! I mean, I'll have my health on Saturday. But I'm chilled 'cause I'm gonna be better for it. I mean it. I'm not afraid. Matter-o-fact, I'm so chilled about the procedures that I'm hypotensive.

I have to say, through the years, (I won't lie, I hit a few snags along the way---that sorta happens when you have help to stress!) it's been good to watch the improvement I've made in handling things like this. A good support system helps a lot. Near and far. I guess that knowing without a doubt that you are cared for and loved, is what helps the most. To add to that, my boss has been really understanding. It's made a real difference to my stress about being back here.

Sometimes, I watch those sitcoms like Big Bang Theory and say to myself, or whomever the poor sucker is sitting next to me that's heard it before, "I wish I'd experienced living with roommates and having fun like that!" Now, on some level, I have my wish. We have the loudest, most cheerful room in the house---pital! Loving that! I'm rooming with the coolest buncha women. Fo rizzle my readizzles!

Two of them leave tomorrow, :-(! I'm thinking we should all put the goodies we have left, together and have a farewell. The hospital provides the food and drinks anyway! It'll be perfect. Our cellphones are all charging, that takes care of the music! What d'yall think of that idea?

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Mourning the Loss of an Ideal

Good evening, from sunny South Africa! Don't let the sweet sound of that greeting fool ya! We're roasting like peri-peri chickens over here.

Right now, I'm covering school books and ofcourse that automatically requires therapy....hahaahhahha, kidding, not me, I love it.

But I came across something on GoodTherapy.org just now that might be useful to you personally or you as a support system / parent / partner / friend. The just of it was this.......naturally, we all assume that mourning only takes place or needs to take place when there's been a loss of a loved one.

However?

'Cause there was a question posed about "is it harder to mourn an actual loss or a loss of an ideal" right, and because it was something that I was thinking about as well, which is how I came across it, it kinda helped me realize that, "Hey? You're actually quite normal, dear Rambler!"

The therapist found the question intriguing...while I found my eyes racing over word after word, excited to find some advice that I could actually use for myself and for whomever else I might run into one day.

We have a huge piece of a young generation being diagnosed with depression, the rich and famous who have it all committing suicide for the same reason, etc and I've said it myself and I've heard it being said too, "He has everything, what is there to be depressed about?" Or, "She has a chilled life, having fun with her friends, not much responsibility...."

Well? Do we ever consider that there are dreams and visions and aspirations that we carry from childhood into our adult lives that we never ever get to live out? Whether it be that career, that business idea, that relationship, that marriage, whatever! That moment of realization of, "Wow? That's really never gonna happen for me?" It's quite shattering. Young and old, I would assume that it affects us, similarly and my favourite run-back-to line about "everything happens for a reason" doesn't suddenly lift the disappointment one feels within that realization.

If this is you, I still say that there's a reason for everything and it doesn't hurt to keep that at the back of your mind but moreso it doesn't hurt either to allow yourself to grieve that loss, it's how you begin to come to terms with it and how you then eventually get over it and keep your feet moving on a road that will no doubt lead you to the reason that whatever that ideal was, was not meant for you, to begin with.

We have this bad habit of believing that everything that we really want, we should get. There's no harm in belief. But there is harm in that particular belief. I say that because if all of our focus and even hope is set solely on that ideal, never seeing it come to light equates to a huge loss. Is this why we hear people talk about a Plan B? Hmmmmmmmmm? Maybe.

With all of that said, I don't see this changing and honestly, I don't want it to. I will never advise anybody to stop hoping and believing in their dreams. Whether or not they are ever realized. We can't reach a place where we sit back and do nothing "just in case it's not meant for us." We might as well not even exist.

This blog entry is merely to tell you that if you or your loved one is confused about why there are suddenly feelings as bad as there are when just the other day you/them were feeling right as rain? If there is little understanding about how those bad feelings came about and where they stem from, then this is something for you to consider.

Loss is not limited to the tangible.

Here is the link to the blog on GoodTherapy.org
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mourning-loss-ideal/
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^!

I couldn't NOT come to wish you all the very best for 2015. That would be real rude of me, wouldn't ya say? So, how's it looking there? I know some of you have seen it before we did.

The scene from where I lay?

Hmmmmmmmmmm, let's see. Right now, I hear music. Faint, faint music. From what sounds like a distance away. It's not. It's just a fence away. The neighbours are trying to compete with this extremely grumpy thunderstorm we're having. They're like, "We will not let you ruin the one and only New Years Eve of 2014 for our Rambler! She's home alone and needs to hear something other than Cruz barking at...at...movement!"

Thank you, neighbours. I do appreciate that since the storm has cut my television signal. I-I didn't manage to get up on the roof to put the bottom of a two-litre soda bottle over the dish receptor. Not that I'd planned to, I'm just sayinnnn. Might be why I'm being punished right now but hey, first thing in the morning though, I'm gonna get right on up there and-and...ohhhhh! Who the hell am I kidding? I don't even have a ladder.

That's cool though, quiet New Years Eve's are rather foreign to me, I guess the heaven's are merely trying to give me the experience in it's entirety which I think is a sweet gesture, you know? This way I get to compare the norm to the new. One thing I've learnt this year is to use negative happenstances as lessons.

(BTW? The neighbours are STILL trying to out-watt the thunder.) They're losing. But nobody tell them. Their hearts are in the right place. Someone saw the need to light a cracker as if the thunder wasn't loud enough....okay well? Cruz has just been woken by that and went flying off the bed in crazy mode. On second thought? This might be my loudest New Years Eve yet!

Let's see how this plays out, shall we!

Have yaselves a safe and wonderful New Year!


Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Crossroad

It's been a lonnnnnng month, and I haven't even begun the rush of preparing for Christmas. Shew!

Wrote this, this morning, after quite an eventful day and night taught me that sometimes you really have no choice but to love certain people from a distance.


Crossroad

I've reached it again, the turning point, the crossroad
Where I've had to decide to leave or carry the load
It's not as easy as it sounds when you're part of my veins
But it's either this or take the risk of you adding to my stains

I don't wanna go but it hurts way too much to stay
Nothing changes, nothing makes you stop treating me this way
I can't constantly keep building up what you tear down
I'm worn out and dizzy from this merry-go-round

The world as it is, it forces us to look over our shoulder
To expect that someone's behind us throwing the next boulder
That as it is, there's always someone watching out for us too
And I can't exist in this world where my danger comes from you

If you believe that this is something I'm happy to do
You're wrong but it's not up to me to give you a clue
About the do's and the don't's or the wrongs and the right
This stick on my end is finally too short to grasp tight

So I gotta let you go now before I hurt myself trying
To keep holding on when I've already begun sliding
This is my stop, before I fall out, lemme make the jump
That way I land on my feet instead of being thrown in a slump

I never thought we'd be back here doing this again
Too many times that I've been run over, you were driving the train
That's how I recognise this place, I can't hurt, I can't stay
Nothings ever gonna change, you'll always be treating me this way
I'm all out of bricks, no more building, no more tearing me down
I'm so tired......just so tired of this merry-go-round

2014 (c) Stacey Kell
2014.12.12
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Double Jeopardy

T'was within the wee hours of Sunday that I laid in my bed, unable to sleep and then thought about couples going through this. It sucks, huh? Yeah, it does. And it don't taste like that bubblegum lollipop that they discontinued either. >_<! I'm still hectically pissed off about that, by the way. They were called, Bubblepops. They were pink and once you got to the middle, you found the bubblegum and.....hey?! I'd go without bread if they brought those back! Hint. Hint. I'm just sayinnn'......I refuse be blamed for my carb intake if those lollipop manufacturers aren't reading my blog. It has yet to be proven that Bubblepops, as opposed to bread, causes one to pile on the kilo's. They stopped making the damn things before anyone could find that out and I'm here, volunteering to be the guinea-pig. Scient-scientific research. Yeah.

Eh. You already know. I'm way passed the point of taking these discontinuations lightly too. It happened with the Woolies cheesy popcorn, the Beacon Bubblepops, that Nestle honey and almond cereal. Who knows what other product on the Rambler's favourites list!

Fatal effects on the liver in the long run?!?! My ass!

Look?

I make it a point not to run. -_-

I don't run for long periods, I don't run for long distances. Why not let ME decide the level of fatality that I am willing to accept? As a human, I have rights and totally taking the choice away from me is a violation. 'Cause they say that shit just to scare you! Whooooooooooooo....fatal effects, whoooooooooo! Puuuulease! One or two people collapse and suddenly it was the Bubblepops. What about dehydration? Did they even check dates of collapse? Like I could be sitting here salivating over a lollipop that I used to know because people collapsed from dehydration from running the Comrades. Who's to say?

What was that?
Oh no. No-no, I didn't hear of anyone collapsing from the lollipop but when in doubt....I use my imagination. Handy tool, if you ask me.

Alllllll around the world, there are people who really don't mind that their intestines could be dyed yellow by the time they reach 60 from the cheese spice over the popcorn. I know I don't! I'm all for bright colours. Matter of fact? The sunflower is my favourite flora species and it's yellow. Yep! Bet quality control didn't know that little piece of colourful information, when they were like, "Stop production now!!!!!! Throw all of that popcorn away! Someone is suing us for dying their intestines against their wishes!" Pffffffffffffft! Plus?!? Plus.....check it out. I eeeeeeven love yellow on walls!

So then I ask? Beacon, Nestle' and Woolies.....Why wouldn't I be excited about yellow intestines? And see, they don't know that I'm an over-thinker too because I see the pattern. He-he-he! Look at those names. How they start with the letters B and N and W. Now.....all I have to do is find the manufacturers with-with names starting with the missing alphabets, find my favourite products and then buy them as if I were preparing for the Apocalypse. Why I'd need them then? I don't know just yet but I'm keeping in mind that someone will have to be the new Eve. It could be me.

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Jussss bringing my pressure levels down before I attend Tre's First Holy Communion just now. Can't be going to church filled with aggravation at three of our leading manufacturers. Hummmmmmmmmmmmm-mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Oh yeah?!? (Slaps air with one hand). The reason I'm here. Lol! Lose my way, find my way, lose my way, find my way....that's how you know me.

Here's the poem I wrote last night. A word of advice to anyone in this situation? You don't have to accept responsibility for mistakes that you did not make. I'm all for working through past issues with my partner, but if he's only about making me pay for his ex's flaws...like her, I'll also become the one that got away! I wanna be punished for my OWN set of flaws. Hmmmmmm?! Yes.

Double Jeopardy

I can accept at the wrong time being at the wrong place
What I can't understand is why you're still searching for his face
After all that I've done right, you seem to find it in mine
I didn't sign up for paying the price for another man's crime

It's real hard tryna scrub away at another man's dirt
While at the same time pickin up the pieces of your heart
Something's gotta give, it's either me or babe, it's him
But I won't be his bad and my good when good is all I've been

I don't wanna lose you but what am I really fighting to keep
It's not getting any easier playing your game of double jeopardy
Because I'm the one in front of you don't mean I become the target
I swear I will not let you sentence me for a crime I didn't commit

So it's all up to you, you tell me what it's gonna be
I can stay and heal your hurt but I won't let you blame it on me
I'm man enough to stay and keep the promises that I make
But if you keep this up, stepping outa your life is a trip I'm willing to take

Now take a look behind you and when you're done, turn around
The only thing in front of you is me and this love that we found
If it's worth it to you, then you gotta let it be known
'Cause I ain't settling for less, I'd rather go it alone

(C) 2014 Stacey Kell
2014.11.23
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Stutter Inducing Love

People of cyberspace! I cometh bearing a message! A simple, yet.....nope! Just simple. No need for dramatisation! See this picture? Read this picture! I mean, read this words!

Did I just say.........mannnnnnnn?! >_<!!!

I. Meant. Read the words on this picture?!? I'm a lillllllllll high on pain meds right now. (No, I'm not one of those). So don't be holdin' anything against me. I won't lift my right hand and swear by ANYthing that I've written on here that don't make no sense.

Pssssssssst...lemme tell you somethin' in ya ear. Can't tell you in my ear, it's off duty for a while. Listen now....I'm whispering. I believe that most people who have developed a stutter? Have developed that stutter 'cause of nerves. Nerves are finiSHed 'cause something or someone has traumatised their calm senses SO much that now? Their calm senses start jumping up and down, smacking into each other and shit, looking for a place to hide in their voice box everytime they see that bastard or feel the way that that bastard made them feel. That's the ....ththththth----or the a-a-a-a that you hear? That's where it comes from. Senses just running wild tryna find a safe place. Picture a crowd when there's like a bomb scare. You see how everyone's so frantic to get outa there before the BOOM?

Yeah.

Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to people with a stutter. I swear that on my life. Not like at family functions I'm like, stutterers over there! Non-stutterers over here! No. WTF!

But if I don't try to steer you clear of a situation that might cause you to develop one? What type of loving, caring, Rambler would I be?

Understand this. It is horrible when you're an adult under that much duress. I remember being seriously broken over the death of my baby niece and then instead of some compassion? I was yelled at for her choosing to pass on his birthday and ruin things for him! To that I say? Good riddance to bad rubbish!

And once I put that trash in the garbage truck? I've never felt better! Free-er than I've ever felt and why? The people that I've chosen to be a part of my perfectly, imperfect life, are people whom I never have to worry about developing a stutter around.

If there's one thing that I hope to leave you with, more than anything....it's to strive to find a love that lifts you because when you're lifted in spirit and mind and soul by the person you're looking to make a life with? You automatically want to give of your best to them simply because they've allowed you to find the best parts of yourself, after you've stumbled, fallen, erred, cried, hurt, whatever! And didn't punish you for it! They gave you the freedom with an outstretched hand and an encouraging voice....to walk through it WITH them, not WHEN they demand it be done.

Yes! That's because your growth alongside them is more important than their power over you. Let's say that again...........................................ohhhhhhh I know you're not waiting for me to retype that when you can just lift ya eyes up two lines right?!?

You will know that you're in the right arms. They give you solace, not salty tears.

And now? Off to sleep I fall....good morning from ya Rambler! And thank you, Tony Gaskins!

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Let Me Be A Father

I woke thinking about this today.

Let Me Be A Father

Don't shut me out, we're not the ones who'll suffer
All I want is what he deserves, not an unnecessary buffer
Our fight's not his fight, but he's paying the price anyway
I'm here and I'm willing to be day after day

I'm begging you, please just let me be a father
Give me the privilege and save us all this bother
I wanna be the one to teach him what he needs to know
But everytime I come around, you're telling me its time to go

Aren't you proud of what we created out of love?
Can we put aside our differences for our gift from above?
The world can be a dark place, we've gotta show him different
But that's gonna take you growing up so that I can be a parent

All I hear about are dead beats and father's who don't care
Yet here I am on my knees, pleading for a chance to be there
But you'd rather strip me from him because you have that power
Only so you can turn me into the statistic of the hour

I'm not asking for your time, I'm not asking for your nothing
What I'm asking is that you find the sense enough to do the right thing
He's not a pawn, he's our son, he's both our responsibility
Don't make me watch my boy growing up without me

My money won't make him the man I know you want him to be
So let go of the spite and realize, this is not about you or me
Kids are dying on the streets from a lack of guidance
Can't you see the effects on a child through a father's absence

(C) 2014 Stacey Kell
2014.11.07

Gangsta Gran

I had to tell you guys about my early evening!!!

The day had been humid as sin and as murphy would have it? The clouds very cleverly timed their downpour for just as we leave the office! Naturally, my ass was mad as hell at the elements, so I wrote a Facebook status about it, that's where all protests begin. Suddenly, it started thundering so I said not a single thing further. I wasn't tryna be dented by hail for my big mouth!

So it gets seriously darker right by the blink as we're driving and the wind is doing its best to make sure that Wendy works really hard behind that wheel! Needless to say, I got soaked running into my mums house. And then I decide to wear this hoodie that was made for a hamster or someone with a disproportionate face or something! I literally had to bend my back, neck and chin to be able to see out of it after I put it on my head! I bought it on the streets of NYC, it couldn't have been a reject! Let's go instead with my hamster theory.

Anyway, my son and I wait for the rain to die down and then leave my moms. I think people were busy covering their mirrors because of the lightning 'cause I've never seen the roads that empty unless I'm driving at three in the morning and if you knew me, you'd know that I don't drive at three in the morning so....go figure! Either way, I spot this old lady carrying a bag and a little boy behind her so I turn the car around to give them a ride to wherever they were going.

Gran gets in and our conversation goes like this!

Gran: I'm going to Rooks Road lovey. I just come from my granddaughter, she's going back to (I forgot the name of the place) tomorrow.
Me: Oh okay!
Gran: You know Lee-anne?
Me: UHM-M?
Gran: Farah? She's Farah's sister
Me: No, I don't think so. I really don't know a lot of people. (Because I didn't wanna make her feel like she's talking to a stuck-up prude, I add). Maybe if I see them, I'll know them.
Gran: Ay, you just like me.
I turn into the road that she lives in.
Gran: I also went pass Langer's house to see how his son was after he got shot!
Me: Wade?!!
Gran: No, the other brother, the eldest brother.
Me: Ohhh, I don't know his eldest brother.
Gran: You know where I stay, huh darling?
Me: (Thinking) Gran, I don't know you from a bar of blue soap (but I say). No, you will have to show me.
Gran: There by those white pillars.
I stop the car and she thanks me....
Gran: Ay, they're getting strict with the gun laws now huh?!
Me: They should take the guns away completely!
Gran: Not mi----iiiiiiine!!
O_o!!!!!!!!
Me: BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! You have one!!!
Gran: Ya! What if they interfere with you? How ima help you? (Clearly Gran has plans on seeing me a second time in my life)
Me and Damon: HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!
Gran: You can be driving and I'll be BANG BANG!!! (Clearly gran is planning a drive-by and was excited to have met a driver!)
Me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA OMG! (Forgot about the storm!)

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

HIP HIP HOOOOORAY! That was the vibe on Saturday when I had my family over for my birthday! Gotta say, this was one of my most enjoyable birthdays! I haven't fully recovered, right now it's a case of heavyeyelidvitus! SLEEEE-PYYYYYY!




Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!