It's been six whole years. Hi everybody. I don't know how or why I've found my way back here but I did. Maybe I just need to paint this blank page with words that I need to get out of me.
A month ago, we lost my brother to Philadelphia Positive ALL - Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. I'm not sure how that even happened - one day he was healthy and the next, he had leukemia - and after what seemed like a blink of an eye, he was gone. I mean I definitely blame something - that involves a needle - and starts with the letter after U in the alphabet but I guess we will never really know. I just know that my brother's gone. And I am lesser for it. Infact, as I sit here typing this, it's hard to breathe because I can't make me believe it until I find myself drifting off in the midst of work or cooking or sitting or driving and the memories start beating at my brain - alot of my day is spent forgetting to remember that I will never see him in this life again - in the form I've become accustomed - regardless of the fact that even now - I can go online and watch his funeral. Regardless of the fact that I watched him transition. To this day, I can't decide whether that was good or bad - for me. Being present when someone that you love takes their last breath - it's haunting - for me on one hand and on the other, it's the most special moment you might ever have with them. I know it must have meant everything to him to have many of us around him when he transitioned and I'm sure that is all that matters. But shew! Inside of me is fighting all of these feelings every single day. Make the living days count. Make sure------------------------------MAKE SURE!!!! People know how much they mean to you in the living days and as much as I believe that he can hear us now and see us now, we can't. I can't see his face when I say "I love you." I can't pick up the phone - I can't send a text - we think we have time - So please, while you are still able to feel the warmth of someone's smile when you put it on their face - take advantage of those moments. It's times like these that nothing else matters but the moments that you're able to share with someone and loving people like it's your last day on this earth because there will come a time when it is - or when it's theirs - their last day on earth and that's it. That's all you get and what you said and did or didn't say and do? You can't go back and do better or more or less or tomorrow or later. Love your people like it's now or never.
I miss him.
