Sometimes that's really all one can do to keep from letting those "other" emotions take over. I'm feeling sooooooo much as I type this. I'm feeling cold too, by the way. Brrrrrrr and all that.
:-/
But life, mannnnnnn! Life also has its Winter's sometimes, doesn't it! And so does love. But the sun always comes out---if you let it. Remember that. You gotta let it. Brooding over pain, over hurt, over negative, keeps a strong grip on that very place in your life that you would do anything to get away from. It becomes a very unhealthy crutch. That's not to say that you shouldn't feel and you shouldn't process. That's how you go from being a work in progress to tipping the scale on the other side, you know? I'm just saying, don't live there. Come on now, don't you deserve to be released from all of those damaging feelings? Hmmmmmmm? I'd say.
When you find clarity in situations as far as why this happened and why that happened in your life, in your relationships, in your friendships? Especially if you're able to admit, "Wow, that ones on me, I royally fucked that up." That's when you're able to decipher what about you needs to change. We can't do anything about the faults and flaws of others. We all have them. You, me, the president, the gardener----nobody's exempt. That's for them to change. And like yourself? They have to realize the changes they need to make for whatever result they are hoping to achieve. Whether it be for reconciliation purposes or next relationship success purposes.
Being the victim of someone else's indiscretions is painful. There are times when it's so excruciating that it results in you laying a blanket of judgement over that entire gender (allllllllllll men are like this and all women are like that) and then push you towards choosing either to date the opposite gender (again, don't look at me as if you've never heard of this) or simply never to date again. Sure, that's the extreme but you haven't heard someone say I'm sick of pain, I'm better off alone? You haven't heard someone being hurt by men too often or too badly that they turn to women? Or a notch less extreme, you continue dating but you refuse to trust. Another notch, you can't let your total guard down and even will go as far as making sure you do the hurting before you get hurt. Nothing foreign about anything I've just typed, is there?
If you're the one who's hurt someone, ideaaaaaaally-------------ideally, at some point, it should cause you to rethink your own behaviour and work on improving the parts of you that were broken enough to break someone else. However, that can only happen if you're able to admit that to yourself. You can always go on believing that it's never your fault, sure. Then you can also go on believing that you're perfectly intact. Even though, none of us are. But you will forever question why all of your relationships end, won't you? Granted, there will always be a place in our past that we don't ever want to revisit. A time when you were the worst possible version of yourself. Sometimes wilfully so because you've locked it away and sometimes because you've worked your ass off not to be that person anymore. The absolute last thing that you then NEED, is someone constantly taking you on an emotional roller coaster ride back there with the constant, "Remember when you….remember why you" Remember, remember, remember--------------the old you. Shocker, but?!? Not everybody is who they were in their past. Rehabilitation is not unusual and highly recommended, right? But unless they have journeyed that road of progress with you? Unless they have witnessed who you are now as opposed to who you were then? They will never know and rightfully so. They weren't there to see it happen and they're not there to see the results now. All they will remember is who you were when you….?
Hurt them.
Guess what? It's not supposed to be any different than that. If they weren't there. They will not know! They're not supposed to know. So ofcourse, in their thoughts, in their memories, that's the person that they are referring to. Only?
That person no longer exists.
As far as reconciliation goes? Why would you even attempt to reconcile if you feel that the other person is exactly who they were when you parted ways, that they're doing exactly the same things that turned you off from wanting to carry on with them in the first place, etc, etc. Why would you want to invite that same drama and upset and confusion into your life once you have had a taste of living without it?
I believe that the safest place for both parties? Is nowhere near each other. Wouldn't that be like being a recovered alcoholic and then deciding to frequent bars with your old alcoholic buddies from back in the day? One has no place in the life of the other any longer.
Why?
'Cause it means that already there is a gap in understanding.
'Cause it means that in order to be with them, you have to be willing to go back to someplace that is detrimental to whatever progress you've made.
'Cause they are stuck at a point where you both were when whatever happened, happened and you are long gone from that spot.
If they are expecting to deal with you as the person that you were, they will already be anxious about specific behaviour and anticipate signs of them, even when they're not coming. No peace for either of you.
It means that they will make specific accusations out of mistrust of what "just might happen" because it happened before.
It means that what you have tried to move away from, forgive yourself for, grow out of, they will continuously pull you back towards.
What all of that means in a nutshell? It means that the slate is not clean and in that case, it's never a good idea. Never a good idea to mar a second chance by still begrudging the mistakes of the first. I believe that for any couple to reunite and have a lick of a chance at success?
Firstly, forgiveness is key.
Secondly, after forgiveness, those mistakes should never be brought up again.
If one cannot do either? Then that attempt towards reconciliation should NEVER be made.
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