Somethin' Old Somethin' New

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!
 
People?  Ya Rambler's ubbbbbbber excited 'cause the air reeks of luuuuuurve!  My memory instinctively belts out a well-known chorus-------Love is in the air, dadadaaaa, everywhere I look around! 
 
My mind corrects it with, "Evvvvvvrrywhere.....?"
My memory stopped singing and clears its throat.  A-hem! :-/
 
Sometimes even when you're not looking for the lesson, life teaches you, nonetheless.  All you have to do is lift ya nostrils outa ya cellphone for a bit and pay attention.  It's hard.  I know.  But be brave and try.  On the few recent occasions that I have?  I have realized that in order to fully understand somebody, one has to consider everything about them, everything about their situations, everything about their circumstance, without prejudice.  At least, as much as we've been exposed to.  Sometimes we're just so rash on judgement and sentencing that anything outside of that present occurrence is overlooked.  
 
That's basically what's been happening to someone close to me.  While I knew most of what was going on in his life, I closed myself off to whatever could have been feeding his state of misery.  The way that he communicated, the way that he began looking, his level of patience?  All of it reeked of discontentment. 
 
And then?!  In the midst of all of the shit. 
Shiiiiiiit! 
This too, I've realized.  Something truly wonderful can happen, sometimes SOMEONE truly wonderful can happen, which is evvvvvven better right?!?  'Cause then you have someone to share ya miserable life with!  And I know you might be wondering, "Miserable life?!"  Look?  I'm not being mean.  The man was not a happy chappy and it was oozing outa his personality as if he was born like that when the fact issssss?!?!?  Dude was just waking up like that. 
 
So now when that someone wonderful happens to you?  Watcha gonna do?  Fight it?  Ima tell you what I did!  I noticed!  Ay, it's just way too hard to miss 'cause it's like night and day!  Fo rizzle!  O_O!  I mean dudes skin is even two shades lighter!  The effect that his nownewgirlfriendwhowashisoncehisgirlfriendbackinhighschool, and dare I reveal---------------his now almost wife!  Yes, I said almost wife, it'sallhappeningsofastlikezooooooooooooomlikeHalley'scomet!  Sofastthatitslike tohellwiththefiancecrapletsgostraighttoMrandMrs! 
 
@_<! 
Exhalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!
 
The effect that she has on him elevates that old very likeable side of him.  The one that I forgot even lived inside of this person, except for somewhere within my memory of him.  Now that I see it again, I can say that I honestly missed him and I'm glad to have him back.      
 
Too often we under-estimate the effects of being with the woman or man that we're with.  Sometimes it makes you as a person.  Sometimes?  It breaks you as a person.  Like if you started off the meekest person on this earth but then all of a sudden, whenever you see 'm, you find that all you wanna do is run on their chest with spiked soccer boots. 
 
Me? 
 
Uh-huh!
 
I've never actually done that but the thought hasssss crossed my mind.  Then I'd stop.  "Jail!"  I'd tell myself.  Hahahahaha!  Lies!  I've never had to restrain myself with terrifying self-threats of imprisonment when it came to soccer boots.  But you get what I'm tryna say here right?  Bad relationships can change good people and it sure does take a while to get back on ya feet.  Whether or not you actually ever fully recover?  Doubt it but almost fixed is always better than totally broken.     
 
But when it makes you as a person?  The sky isn't even the limit!  With dude?  He is calmer.  He is ecstatic.  He looks ten years younger!  He is not the person that I've been at loggerheads with for some years now.  Watching happiness come back around and mend? 
 
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  It's been a beautiful transformation.
 
Here's to second chances!  <3

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The Reading Room Competition

Ohhhhhhhhhh how I wish that I could find a permanent cure for my cousins menopausal hot flushes!
Pssssssst-------I hear those episodes are not anything to write home about! Actually, word on the street is that they're like small fiery waves of lava sent straight from the depths of hell! GASP!

Why I'm even talking about this? Because I might not get the flushes but I do sometimes get the side effects. I mean, sinus effects.

Like Tuesday.

Aside from bobbing and weaving. Know what? Why not be totally upfront?! Aside from being crushed to smithereens by unruly, reckless public transport taxi's on the road, the ride to work mostly consists of AC on, AC off, AC on, AC off! It's like the change of life version of Karate Kid....no men or martial arts....just men-o-pause!

It's been less than fun realizing that sinus brought on by someone else's menopausal flushes behaves rather differently to the norm. Like kinda wrath-y and overly-possessive! I'm not exaggerating. Normally, I would start sneezing until whomever's around me is like, "God bless you. God bless you-------------God BLESS you! You know what?!? GOD BLESS YOU for all the sneezes to come too!" People can be so mean! Then I'd take a tablet, do what I gotta do, sleep and wake as good as new!

Tuesday?
I took me a blue tablet.
Nothing.
A white one?!
Nary!
Wednesday?
One and a half yellow ones plus another white one! You'd think with ingesting a rainbow, I'd get some relief, right! There was a better chance of me waking up to find my lips sipping on a strawberry daqari on the island of Mauritius!
So today?
I changed my strategy. Took a brown one, thought I'd go for earth tones and hope for the best. Oh! And I used my pump! Nnnnnnnn-------I feel a slight improvement but let's see how it goes as the day progresses.

You must really be wondering what the subject of the blog has to do with menopause or sinus. Nothing really. Something told me you'd be interested in how I spent my week. I could be wrong but it's too late now. As for the subject of the post? A colleague of mine sent me the link to this competition which is being hosted by thereadingroom.com. I won't be entering but;

The prize for submitting the first 500 words of your unpublished novel?
1. USD1000 cash prize
2. Session with a world renowned literary agent
3. An author profile page on The Reading Room

Oh and last but not least, all finalists will also win a voucher to be published on IngramSpark.

Not too shabby, I'd say!

Here is the link;
https://www.thereadingroom.com/

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The Dog Whisperer!

I've been slowly downloading his episodes from the first season.

https://m.youtube.com/#/playlist?list=PLdN3gbvLGO69ux2taRPiVADgwfTrPor2C

If you have a lil' barkaholic Cruzzy like I do? You want to train them. I know I want to train him. Because then they think they're the boss of you and wanna walk in front and feed you dog food-----hahahaha-----he doesn't do that! Long as I give him a treat, LOL! But, hmmmmpf! Because he spends a lot of time at home and just with my son and I? He doesn't have a good foundation of social skills. I've taught him well, hahahahaha!

That's not to say that he will just charge at you, no. He only does that to certain people which completely baffles me. He can meet you for the first time and absolutely go on as if he knows you for years and then he can actually know you for years but then gives you nothing but aggression. If I had to guess, I'd say its because he feels ya vibe towards him. I'm pretty sure of that actually. Considering who he does that too.

Aren't humans like that too?

I was thinking about taking him for formal training but then I imagined all the different dogs and then fleas and NO! He's a house dog and I'm not about to fight fleas. It's too hot for that!

Know what I wish they had here? Maybe they do, I dunno. Since I'm not the dog owner who carries him in a bag with me, everywhere I go and dresses my puppy up in diamante's and crowns and shit like that? No doggy play dates and doggy-mom clubs! Information is limited.

I wish they had a doggy hotel, affordable for the "average income" dog owners like ourselves hahhaahaha! They take them, like on Vince and Tamar, and when they come home? They're trained! Anyway....here's the link to Cesar the Dog Whisssssssssper.

https://www.cesarsway.com/

Happy whispering!
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Bacon And ------- Advertising

It's a blazing hot day here in Durbs, shew! But I liiiiiike, :-)!

Writings become one of the biggest crutches in my life. Hey, rather that than becoming a wine swine, right?

What!?!

Look, okay, okay! Before I'm faced with a buncha toy-toying pigs protesting outside my bedroom window harmonising about defamation? Don't take it personal, it's just a silly term we use here in SA. Alllllll it means is------all it means is, someone who ovvver drinks wine. A greedy-for-wine person! Like a pig. For wine. Get it?! Wine swine?

Helping?!

No?!

Okay, Ima stop. But Ima leave that up there anyway 'cause seriously! Pigs have no right to feel any shame with all of the shit they get themselves into. Literally! Not to mention the shit that they get into themselves. Like there's no limit to pigs. At all! But ay------I like bacon. Is that bad?! I like the American bacon the best! Oooooooooooooo-yummy! Our bacon doesn't cook like that. Ours is all soft and wavy kinda, like it doesn't have a backbone.

American bacon?!? Mmmmmm-mmmm, with it's tall, lean looking self, and then it gets all hard and stern when heated and crispy between the teeth and you chew on it and the flavourrrrrrr! Dammit!

Hell was I talking about before my mouth started watering?

Writing, yes! The conventional, getting ya book idea/finished manuscript embraced by a publishing company way is always a great thing! But there are times when one doesn't want to go that route, especially because of the time that it takes. Most publishers don't want you sending your manuscript to multiple publishing houses so if you have months at a time to wait for a response? Cool! If you don't, there are other ways to get your work out there. I came across these helpful sites this morning;

https://savvybookwriters.wordpress.com/2012/03/11/18-top-websites-to-promote-your-book-for-free/


http://www.bookbaby.com/bookshop


http://www.yourwriterplatform.com/promote-and-market-your-book/
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The Good, The Bad and the House Dog

Well? My babies have landed safe and sound in their homes away from home. So much going on right now, wow! Kids flying out, various weddings on the horizon, some immigratings 'bout to happen, chunk of the family planning to spend Christmas down under! Me? Me, I'm chilling like this........that's my boy right there. I adore this little fellow. Not that I'd planned to, hahahhahahaha, but I do. He was bought for my daughter's birthday and since she's moved countries, he's become my homie.

Growing up, we had many dogs. All named either Sheba or Choonooks. None of that was my doing. Just so we're clear. Nevermind that I wanted to name Cruz, Yappy. But back then, one died, they'd be buried and we'd get another one. They all died of old age but I never really got attached to any of them. At all at all!

This little rotguts?! I can't imagine life without him. He has so much personality and is protective as hell! Because he's got terrier in him, he thinks he can take on anything and anybody so I had to have my house gate laced with metal mesh because we get monkeys running a dismal outside and with him barking at them like he does, I don't need them coming to attack him. These blue-balled monkeys are ruthless. In Cape Town, the monkeys were robbing humans. Ay. 'Nuf said!

So at home, I have this shadow, named Cruz. Hahahahaha! I walk? He walks. I relax? He relaxes. I got him neutered last Friday and yes, I was a punk about it! My daughter refused to come with me to drop him, kinda like me when it was time for their injections as baby's when I would send my ex-husband in with them 'cause I couldn't see that needle sliding into their little legs! I'm such a cryer, LOL! But when I left him at the vet's that morning, he was the only one in the room with the doggy cages. You'd cry too, so if you're not gonna cut me some slack, ima cut myself some.

As for all the happenings happening right now? Part of those are that both my brothers are planning their weddings. Whoooooo-hooooo! You'd think, huh? Well? I truly mean that for one of 'm. We've had our problems in the past and we're on the mend, but most importantly, it's seriously hard to ignore the fact that true happiness, genuine happiness does something amazing to a person's demeanour, how they relate to others and their outlook on life on the whole. It's like I can feel the happiness oozing outa him and that transition has been beauuuuuutiful to watch!

The other? I will not attend that wedding even if there was a bag of money under my assigned seat! I can't pretend anymore. I don't. Then I might as well just take my peace and throw it outa the window. It's something that used to cause me too much stress. Stress that I just can't carry anymore. Stress that I won't carry anymore. So, if I'm not in support of something? You won't find ya Rambler anywhere near there. And that union? I'm certainly not in favour of, so...Ima smile and wave. Maybe just wave. Maybe flick my wrist in the air like, GET!

I've been tooooooo close to having my family blown apart, by my own crappy decision-making, trying to live a life that I wasn't even close to accustomed to living. And that's on ME, at the end of the day, I have a brain and I have the ability to do or not do. And if I do when I shouldn't or don't do when I should, I have nobody but myself to blame so I stick to what feels like a fit now. Right or wrong? That's been working for me. Birds of a feather.......

So after the smoke cleared with me and my perception of the damage that I did? Whichever relationships I had hurt in the midst of me trying to be who I wasn't, those that I wanted to fix, I have. Those that I saw no point in fixing, I just don't waste my time on. When you release certain issues and people, they no longer affect your spirit.

*shrug*

So no, I won't applaud that "let me come into your life and calculatingly isolate you from your children, grandchildren and the rest of your family" bullcrap anymore. I don't give two hoots what age those children are.
Why?
It's simple.
Because I'd HATE for the day to come when my dad tells me one day, "I'm in love now so...you're an adult! Be gone. I don't need to see you anymore, I don't even need to acknowledge that you exist. It was nice knowing you. Oh? And while I made sure to cut your legs off at your knees, stand on your own two feet now."
And I'm looking at my dad talking about, "But? I don't have------feet. You-you cut my le----------!"
And while he drives off into the sunset? He yells, "Yeah, whatever! Bye bitchesssssss!"

You will never convince me that that is what love does. No thank you very much! My rightful place is to support my nieces and nephews and all those people that have been pretty much shat on, on their way to that altar. I do wish them luck, though. I feel as though it's going to be much needed.

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No Frills Allowed

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Google headquarters musta been like, "Do not! I repeat, DO NOT let me catch you technicians wasting time on frills! We do not condone that TMI crap! You state what's wrong and then.....disclaimer! Y'all got it?! State what's wrong and then.....disclaimer! That's our story and we're sticking to it. Now.....go forth and multiply!!!! I mean, go forth and do all that you can to assist."

They're like don't be tryna even think or hope or dream about asking us nothin' more! Hahahahahaha! I'm over here chuckling reaaaaaaall hard at this. Okayyyyyyy! Okay, ima tell you what it is! I'm preTTy sure that some of you have come across this but for those of you who have perfect signal all day everyday, lemme show you instead! I prefer visuals myself, so you're welcome....and for the record?!? I love Google and now I love 'm even more! This wit is simply tremendous!

So I get a notification right, a Google notification. Ya Rambler's in a curious mood so before I take my sinus tablet, I click on the 1 that's highlighted by a red block in the top right side corner.

When I click it?
I get this.................................(Refer to picture).

I dunno about you but I find that hilarious! LMFAO!


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Time

Today, I feel like we're always talking about, don't take someone for granted. How about time though? What about how often we take time for granted despite example after example of how quickly and even how cruelly we've been shown that time has no patience? No matter what we're on this earth waiting for, doing and not doing......the seconds pass, regardless. How are we validated in not taking that fact seriously?
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Bon Voyage!!!

And off she goes! That's another daughter-niece of mine leaving the nest. She's about to live her dream working aboard a cruise liner on overseas waters!

They say that if you never wanna work another day in your life, you gotta find something that you love doing.....congratulations!


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Fuck This Shit, I'm Outa Here!

Today, we're once again on our way to see another one of our younger family members off at the airport. Bittersweet moments! Mostly sweet, for me! Ay, I'm happy to see them go and not 'cause the electricity bill drops with one less in the house but 'cause unlike our generation, they know better than to stay in South Africa. The grass is brown and dry here!

I heard a track yesterday and the chorus went like this, "Fuck this shit, I'm outa here........!"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it gave me goosies, I telya! I was like, that feeling when the lyrics jus.....jus speak to ya soul!

Looks like we were the have children and get married generation. This lot?!? They're the "Fuck this shit, I'm outa here........!" generation! And I'm there on the sidelines yelling, "Runnnnnnn, Forest, runnnnnnn!"

If I had to do it all over again, I'd have ran outa here my damn self when I was their age too! Fuck the plane, gimme a good running shoe and direct me to the nearest exit. But noooooooh. It was all about love and hip-hop for me. Well not hip-hop, really. Breakdance. Yeah, love and breakdance! But that's okay. We live and we learn and I chose my path! We often talk about the fact that my dad had gotten everything setup for us to move to Australia when we were younger but my mum was like, "Fuck that shit, I'm staying here......!"

The rest is history. One subject I could never grasp in school. All then its all about that war and greediness and dying?! Uh-huhhhh! I have no interest in knowing when Napolean died. I can't go to the funeral anyhow! One subject I won't attempt to grasp right now either. I'd rather close my fingers around some peanut M&M's and a mug of tea! And knit! You get people, like my dad, who simply read things and they never forget them for a hundred years after. History? Me? I couldn't remember that crap for a hundred seconds after! Geography? I maintain to this day that my geography teacher scared the information outa my brain! I'm not kidding. You even blinked in his class and he would smack the eyelashes off of ya eyes!

Ya Rambler cannot learn under such violent circumstances. No. My brain doesn't respond at all. Whatever you're trying to teach me is like, "Fuck this shit, I'm outa here!" Ofcourse, I dropped geography in my third year of high school because I couldn't deal with sitting in that classroom, scared outa my wits for a moment longer than I needed to and once I did that? Don't even ask me NOTHING! ABOUT GEOGRAPHY! You wanna know where's what?! Google maps!

Seriously though, I've always performed better when I was learning something where at the end of it, I could hold that thing that I made, in my hands. One example was Needlework. I was really into sewing and knitting and I didn't learn how to crochet at school but our domestic worker, Betty? Our other granny! She taught me how to crochet. Today? I still do it, it's calming and when I'm done, I'm proud, you know? Like, I did that! I made that! Writing? Writing for me is like therapy. Whether its a book, a poem, a video treatment...it's where I figure things out.

I gotta start cleaning but I must say, I watched my daughter leave again, I didn't cry.....at the airport but mannnnn, I couldn't help but stand there in awe watching her go through that scanning point, at how much she's grown over these past six months of being on her own in a different country and having to actually deal with adult things like, budgeting, paying bills, waking up on time for work....all those nice things that make you wish you were back in school and your only job was to study and bring home good reports. I always worried about how she'd deal with that transition when the time came and when I say I've been pleasantly surprised, that's putting it mildly!

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King by @TamarBraxtonHer

By Tamar Braxton. This track is off of her new album and it is absolutely breathtaking. Infact, that description doesn't do it any justice.

I was in bed earlier in the week and listened to it on my earphones on repeat and I couldn't help but to write a treatment for the video. I then go onto You-Tube yesterday and search for possible choreography for this song, I didn't find any YET but I did come across her Dancing With The Stars interview and performance to this very track. Why I was so elated to find that? Because she talked about what this song meant to her and it just so happened to be EXACTLY what I saw in my mind and wrote as far as the video treatment.

I watch the Tamar and Vince reality show when I can and I am a fan of her music and success so I am aware of some of the things they have gone through and when I really listened to the words and the melody of this song, only one picture came to mind.

Needless to say, I was rather pleased with myself in being able to accurately see in my mind, what was in her mind when she wrote and recorded this track!

Here is the You-Tube DWTS interview......

https://m.youtube.com/?reload=2&rdm=1qtyi36lq#/watch?v=ZKn8wOQ6784


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And This? Is Dance Class! ^_^!

Here's a peak into my happiest ever place!

Don't laugh--------------too loud------------this is a partner routine we're learning, to Fifth Harmony's track, Worth It!  I gotta get that part down that I messed up but that's why I'm the student, and I shall.....that's my very very talented dance teacher, Jarryd Watson!

Life Begins at Forty

Sometimes I think that the "Life begins at Forty," cliché' doesn't mean partying and running buck wild like a reckless teenager. I think, it means, making sense of your life so that you can finally begin living a life that makes some sense. All I know is that this here journey started in my 40th year so if I have that opinion about what it means, it's because it's what feels right to ME at this moment, on this day. I really don't expect every 40-something year old to agree with me because well? We're not all in the same place in our lives. And never will be, individuals that we are, but judging from the conversations that I've had recently, it appears that I'm not alone in this. I'm finding more and more that friends and family around my age have also been questioning the way that they do things, have done things and want to do things in the future.

It's been great to be part of these conversations now. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that so much is clearer and I feel a sense of safety talking with them. We all seem to be somewhat on the same page which is nice. And comforting too. Even when we disagree. It doesn't even feel hard, justexperience sharing. Believe you me, there are not many of them left. I'm kinda spiteful with my trust these days so I can count on my one hand, those that I do. When I type that, I feel no emotion at all. Ive done shit that has caused me to be seen as untrustworthy in some situations and Im accepting that. But on the flip side of the coin? I have been shown the same thing when it came to trusting just all willy-nilly! Reality, thats all. That fairytale land that I was stuck in has been completely obliterated! And Im so very glad!

Do I have regrets? Who doesn't? But I don't have just regrets. There is always some joy in the midst of those and THAT is where I find my calm. Call it whatever you like but when you find something that works for you, keep doing it. Life is always gonna try to get you, the oceans never without waves so fuck you gonna do with knowing that? Refuse to learn how to swim? If you wanna drown, then yeah fine?! If you wanna reach the shore, you better learn!

Every situation has good and bad. New, old, current. Be thankful for the good and keep it moving. The bad? Ay. Shit happens. To everyone. So you and I, we're not excluded. There's just no other way to survive as far as I'm concerned. Cause waking thinking shit is bad, falling asleep thinking shit is bad, walking around all day telling yourself shit is bad. Shits gonna be bad! And youre gonna wear away at your own hope. Take my marriage for example. It ended for the most part, three months after it started. It lasted a physical thirteen years. I'm not gonna sit here and say that it was all bad because it wasn't. Just like I can't say that it was all good, because it wasn't. But my son came out of my marriage and my daughter came out of the relationship. Do I wanna erase those thirteen years along with the five that came before that because its over? Hell NO, I don't! Do I feel like a failure because I'm divorced? Yes! A gigantic one! That's not the life I'd imagined for myself. How many of us are actually living the life that we'd imagined? Very few, I'd guess. But do I wanna get UNdivorced?! Hahahahahaha! Sorry, it just came out that way! The answer is No! Because it was ultimately the best thing that could have happened for us in terms of the way that we related to each other. That's what I mean by there's always some joy in the midst of regret. How the hell would one survive on the daily telling themselves, youre a gigantic failure because you're divorced, hmm? They wont. I wont. But I'm here, typing this, which means that I am surviving failures, however many. Im still here because thinking about what came out of that failure is better than constantly banging your head against the wall over that failure.

That's just one thing. I could go onnnnnnnn and on and pick out every piece of wonderful from every single thing that broke down in my life but I have to finish up here. And you have things to do too. I'm sure you can tell from my recent blog posts that I've been doing a lot of thinking, and less rambling, which probably comes from spending all of this time in my own company. Something I never ever enjoyed doing but I feel as though I wouldn't survive without it now. It had to happen and lawwwwwwd knows we need to take time to exhale! But timing? I'm not so much in charge of that as I am with ensuring that I make it a point to take the best out of whatever situation I'm being placed in.
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Socially Challenged

Did I tell you how much I love grocery shopping? No?!
Hmmmmm......?
Might be because I don't. LOL! Over time, I've become less and less of a fan of public things. Hence, the blog, huh?!?
Hahahahahaha!
I heard you!
But no, the public things I'm referring to are physically being amongst the general population. Might be 'cause driving is such a stressful drag. And I'm not tryna walk nowherrrrrrrre! Mannnn?! There's not a day that someone's NOT doing something silly on the road and then the result?!? TRAFFIC! I understand NOT, why the entire freeway comes to a dead halt just from the sight of a police car parked on the side. He's minding his own business? Shouldn't we just mind ours and keep driving? You'd think it'd be that simple!

They have me sitting in my car with numb clutch leg toes, thinking, "What?!? Are yall hiding in yalls trunks?! Or is that cop so hot that yall can't help but take a good lonnnnng look?" It's not the latter, I know this! I'm yet to see a hot cop of any race, creed or colour. Maybe I just don't look at them? I mean, there has to be hot cops out there. Ima come back on here the minute I see one! 'Cause that can't be right! Come to think of it, I don't look at anybody that I walk by or drive by and think, "Wow, ur hot!"

Hold---hold on a sec.

Mmm.
Was j-jus checking to see whether I'm hot. With a fever.

Hahahahahaha!
Guess what?! This is why I seriously missed this blog 'cause I've always managed to figure certain things out just from writing about them. I've just realized that the biggest reason that I feel all of this peace is because I live in a country where I'm emotionally dead to any feelings far as surrounding strangers! Hahahahaha! Dammmmm!?! I might as well be here by myself. O_o! It's no wonder that some of my family members are still asking each other whether I'm lesbian. I see now that it's my own doing. Not that I ever get angry about hearing that. It's quite hilarious to me and I laugh like this! BWAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA, 'cause it's like if they don't see you with a man then being a lesbian has to be the most sensible conclusion.

"So and so asked about you being a lesbian."
"BWAAAAHAHAHAHHAHA! Next time? Just say yes!"

I need to relearn social skills. They've died a slow and painful death. Not like looking around and thinking, "Wow, you're hot" means that you have social skills but it's a start, isn't it?!? You at least have to have a thought about the people when you walking through a crowd, right?!

Hold---hold on a sec.

Mmm.
Was j-jus checking if I actually have a pulse!
Yep! My wrist beats and so does my neck!

I think its just that everybody has that place that they're most comfortable, like home or dance class. Or laying with ya head on mums lap while she plays with ya hair! And then there are those places that make you WISH you were at home. Or in dance class. Or resting on mums lap, falling asleep to the feel of her tickling ya hair.

The grocery store, however, that place makes you wish you were hanging from ya eyelids off of a street pole! Annnnnnnnd?!? That's where ya Rambler's heading now. The. Grocery. Store!

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Alcohol...A Thief of Sorts

I was really sad to see this on the front page of the newspaper today.
http://themercury.newspaperdirect.com/epaper/viewer.aspx

Most of us at some point have dealt with the effects of alcohol abuse whether on a personal level or community level. I've never had an alcohol problem but I do smoke cigarettes. As much as us smokers tell ourselves that one is worst than the other, we know the truth! Deep down we do! I've thought about quitting, I've printed out the "Never take another puff" book and I've told myself that I will be better for it. Now to find the resolve to quit and diet at the same time!

However, I've been raised in an area, as well as a family where this alcohol crutch has been used from generation to generation like a curse that just won't break.  Ofcourse for the worst of it as far as my family is concerned, I was too young to remember everything. That's not say that I don't have family members that still take a drink, I do. But from what I hear and the little that I actually do recall, like things flying across the room in arguments at parties, people being flung across the room in arguments at parties, drunk men crying, drunk women getting choked by drunk men.....from those memories to what I see now? There's been multitudes of improvement!

One thing that stayed with me though, was when I was walking home with my friend, baaaaaaaaack when I was a teenager, and these two guys, a lot older than we were, stopped me?  To say that a zillion petrifying images were flashing before my eyes at that moment, would be an understatement. She walked on a little and waited while I silently prayed that the main actor who gripped me by the wrist with one hand while he held a bloody bushknife in the other, would let me go. 

I'm sitting here typing this and I can feel my throat closing up because talking about this means talking about one of theeeee worst experiences I have ever had!  Why I bring this up?  Because he was either drunk or drugged, aside from having just come back from fighting someone with that bushknife.  He looked pretty beat up and cruel. I don't know if he could feel me trembling and thought, "Ay shame, lemme let this shaking like a leaf punk ass go," but I do know that my guardian angel had to have been present that day.

All I could think about, I'm not gonna make it home today, he's gonna take me, rape me, and chop me but when my friend thought to call out to me as if she had heard one of my parents calling out for me, I mustered up the courage in my frozen state to tell him that "I am being called."  It was a term we used when we were young and our parents called us inside.  He eventually let me go and I walked home with her, trying to avoid falling from having my knees buckle the way that they wanted to.  I made sure to purposely forget his name too because well? It wasn't cute to be traumatised like that. Unfortunately, he, like many others have fallen victim to this lifestyle until it kills them or they're killed because of poor choices as a result of not being in their right minds more than they were.

How I could have avoided that experience? Aside from not visiting our other friend that day, I don't have a clue. I dunno too, that had he been sober, whether he would have did what he did? I'm leaning towards no because I've passed many a sober person as a young woman and they didn't do a thing to me but continue walking. That's my problem with liquor on the whole. It steals your ability to think rationally and gives you some kinda foolish indication that you have just inherited superpowers.

I don't like the stuff, I get sinus as soon as I put any kinda alcohol to my lips so I don't drink the stuff and I don't enjoy being around people who are drunk on the stuff. I don't want people falling all over me, spilling the stuff on me and tapping me. That tapping!!! That tapping and smacking of the arm when they're talking to you but believe that you looking straight at them means that you're paying them no mind. No!

I will tolerate being around people who are having a social drink but I won't stay for very much longer should it turn from social drinking to acting stupid drinking because if I am going to leave my quiet retreat, then it has to be worth it or else Ima say bye-bye and go right back home!

As far as Mr. Ntuli. I hope that he is able to come back from the alcohol abuse and put his brilliant mind to work. It would be a shame if he wasn't able to.
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Can't Be Mad at Change

Well? The heat stood no chance against how tired and sore I was last night! After I showered, I put my head on that pillow and went out! Did dream that my eldest brother shot me twice, along with other family members, hahahahhahaha! It didn't hurt, don't worry! I recall being quite surprised about that in my dream too! And that I was slit down both sides of my body in some hospital experiment and needed to be stitched up but then found myself walking around and begging the hospital receptionist to send me to a different hospital. Lmao! Wow, I haven't had a dream, any dream that I can I remember in a really long time. Buttttttt?!? 'Tis the morning time now and I am awoke, unshot and unsliced, in my own bed but not without some cyst pain or overall weariness but hey, I'm alive and that's good enough fa me!!

I briefly mentioned that our family buried a young member last week. Honestly, I didn't spend any time with Liam, he was part of the family that unfortunately we don't see very often. Actually, the family that I became accustomed to really isn't the family that I recognise now. And that starts from my own siblings. A lot has happened over the last year that's basically broken us into pieces and I have found that standing up against my perception of wrong for my perception of right almost always leaves you standing alone where it's been me against my siblings and for the first time in my life I've been okay with being loved but not liked because, well? I'm older and I believe that over the past five years or so, I've grown more than I have in my entire life. It's a whole lot easier for me now to open my mouth and stand my ground for what I believe in, than it's ever been and I will say this much. A lot of that comes from what I've learned from being in my previous relationship. If I've taken anything from it, it's been to open my mouth when something isn't right, to me. That's a lesson I needed to learn and one that I'm grateful for!

I'm happy to type that we're mending at the moment, at least some of us are, which is always a good thing and really I've been trying to live life one day at a time, one issue at a time, calmly and level-headed------ly. I used to easily become overwhelmed even at the smallest curve in the road but another thing that I've taken from my previous relationship is to "focus on what's in front of you." It feels easier to focus on that curve as opposed to taking that curve and clouding it with, "my whole life is falling apart".

The rest of the family? We have all of the love in the world for each other but we don't get together as much as we used to anymore. Some parts of the family dynamic is still the same, like totally enjoying each other when we actually do get together but a lot has changed as far as the amount of time we actually do spend together. That's my opinion. I'm sure at some point on my blog, you've seen me mention that we kinda just find each other wherever we are and gather. It's no longer the case. Everybody is basically living their lives and there's nothing wrong with doing that. The adults are growing, the kids are growing or are grown and are scattering themselves in different parts of the globe.

Me? I try not to leave my house on the weekends at all, LOL! So maybe I'm the problem in the way I feel about the overall family dynamic! Hahahahahaha! I've changed. Maybe I feel that way because I've been spending almost all of my spare time alone at home on weekends or any time that I'm not at work. It's like you need a crane and an army to get me out! Lol! I did get out this weekend though. Rare but ofcourse it does happen from time to time. We have two family weddings coming up, so you know? Bridal showers are part of the process. Then my niece's farewell lunch was on Sunday. But to compare now to how things used to be before, I'd say, chalk and cheese. I guess everybody grows and growing doesn't necessarily mean growing apart, it just means that priorities adjust and really? That's okay, you know. I'm not mad about it at all. I miss it, yeah but I can't be mad about the way that life on the whole, evolves. At the end of the day, as a person or a family unit, progression is important and you can't progress in any area of your life if you're doing the same thing, the same way for its entirety.

Liam's death shook me up, though. Death always does that to me and then I start thinking about it. A little toooooo much! I've gotten my Will done a while back but one part of it is proving difficult as far as getting someone to handle my writings. I didn't see that coming and it only occurred to me that I need to address it after Liam's death. I already know that I won't rest with leaving my work in the hands of someone who doesn't personally know my children or who won't have their best interests at heart. But I'm working on resolving that issue. But? Did you guys know that unlike in the US, here in South Africa, they don't deal with something called a Literary Executor? They will appoint a co-executor to your Will but not a Literary Executor. O_o!?!? 'Cause I researched it and a Literary executor will specifically deal with any and all issues as far as your writings, royalties, etc. So I thought, cool! Sorted! But when I go to talk to the attorney who holds my Will? That's what I come to find out. It doesn't make any sense to me and it never will since South Africa is fulllll of authors?

Anyhoo. Lemme get to work!
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Blitz Dinner

Just come back from dinner with my kids and my ex-husband. We made it back home in just over an hour! Noooooh, no.....we didn't drink our food. The restaurant was empty! And I can't say I was sorry to see that.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm super drained so as much as I'd love to sit on here for a little longer today, I'm afraid that I might just start sliding to the left without even noticing it and end up falling off of the edge of this bathroom ledge that I'm currently leaning against. Not cute. Thing is, I need what's left of my teeth so risking that would be a stupid decision on my part.

Lemme hit the shower and lay down. As I said, the weather isn't making it very easy to stay healthy-feeling. Nevermind, that my cystic ovaries are grudgingly making their problems mine right about now. Crazy though, 'cause after my op, they haven't bothered me but so much.

Ahhhhhhhh well. Tomorrow will be better!

For now, I really do have to get to my bed!

Peace!
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Helmets vs Concussions. Concussions Win!

Yeahhhhh, it's me again. Me couldn't really sleep last night. I'm sleeping with my eyes open right now which is gonna prove real interesting once I sit at my desk at work after being off both on Thursday and Friday. All I know is that Ima be cursing a lot. We all do that, don't purse ya lips at me.

This heat is playing with my emotions. Fo rizzle! So I do what any normal person would in that situation. Check my phone! Thank you guys, again, for the birthday messages, ^_^! And then I turn the fan on. And the fan, +?!#*, (see I'm not even at my desk yet!) starts playing with my sinus! I think, "These are absolutely not the games I envisage playing in my bedroom!" So I turn it off and just lay there. Hot. Bothered. Still on my phone. These smart phones are like saviours for the sleepless, I telya!

Ever notice how when you're sleepless, you begin thinking of random shit. Things you would never even dream of thinking about on purpose, while you're awoke? Normal awoke. When you're s'posed to be awoke, awoke! So I start thinking about sports!?!? O_o! I know, right? Wtf is happening to me?!

I then start conversing with my mind.
My silent voice: "Are we still in the Rugby World Cup?
My mind: Do you care? Even a little?
My silent voice together with a 'how can you even think that' frown: I don't. Not even a lick. No. I save my care for things that matter. Like how many more days left 'til Christmas break so I can catch up on SLEEP!
My silent voice: If I had to take a willllllld guess though, Ima say yes, they are. When you're on Facebook, ya peeps usually let you in on current breaking news, sometimes with words. Bad ones! Or pictures. Sarcastic ones! I haven't seen shit on FB about our team since Japan beat us! Unless, the fans are still beside themselves over that loss!?!
My mind: Beside deez! Is what I say. Sports to me, isn't that serious. What about Christmas break?! I need sleep already!
My silent voice: Cranky much?
At that point I turned my back to my mind and refused to converse any longer!

Rugby? I don't understand the game. I might appear hostile but it's more a thing of disinterest due to the fact that violence is never the answer. Have you watched violence? I mean, rugby?! It's like war. On a smaller scale. People have lost their lives. I mean, eventually, because of too many blows to the head. And I don't mean that in a good way either! Hehehe! What we actually need are rugby players in our police force. I'm jusssssaying. These guys are like bulldozers! And they can run! Our police personnel are bulldozers alright, the kind with the huge stomachs that prevent them from being able to run! It's. Not. Working!

Personally, I think it should be like American football, it looks kinda like American football, just with no helmets. So why no helmets?! Suddenly, I turned back around to face my mind and start yelling in silence!

My inner voice coupled with my angry face: Why no helmets?!? Like how many concussions should a person have to warrant a helmet rule? No helmet, no rugby!
My mind: F you asking me for?!? I didn't make the rules!
My inner voice: That sulking crap works on my last nerve!
My mind: Go sleep!
My inner voice: I will if I want to!
My mind with a this O_o face: What?!
My inner voice: I mean I won't if I want to!
My mind: Do you have medication so you can fall asleep 'cause ya talking bullshit!?
My inner voice: I will if I want to!
My mind: Sigh
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Another Year. Another Blog!

O_O!!!!
@_<!!!
Surprised to see me, are you?
Hahahahaha!
Well, I am too. Surprised to be here but I can't deny it! I miss my blog and I miss talking to you guys. Hello, everybody! How have these past months been treating you?

Stopping by real quick to tell you God's not dead, He is alive! Just like I am! Shout out to my beating heart! Whoo-hoooo! Wrong side and all, she serves me well. Sometimes! Sometimes she causes me unnecessary trouble, LOL! My kids are great and I've been fortunate enough to have my daughter home with us for two weeks.

Oh, oh, oh! While I was away, my dance class started up again.
"That's the best news!"
Awwwww, yeah, it really is.....(I heard at least two of you say that 'cause at least two of you have GOT TO remember how much I loved my dance class). We had a three-hour session this Wednesday! You already know I was in my element! Breathless! Sweaty! Spaghetti-legged! O_o! Sounds like I'm describing some hot sex, doesn't it?!! Hahahahahaha! Well? That's how much ya Rambler enjoys dance!

I thought I'd choose my birthday to come back and visit you all. It's a new year for me and I really can't complain about these recent ones gone by because they've been filled with nothing but peace, love and hair growth. Yeah, it's down to my ass now, hahahhaha! That's all I've really wanted out of life and I finally have it. Not long hair. I've had ass-length hair almost my whole life. Then I took a break from it. Then I grew it. Cut it, grew it, cu....you get my point! But I'm emotionally stable now, hahahahhahahha! No more depression round these parts, so the hair stays!

Crazy, the difference a few changes can make, huh!

The main thing for me was accepting what couldn't be changed and embracing what has. Add to that, that living your life according to the standards of others will never leave you feeling anything but in the middle of do I or don't I! Especially when those doing the dictating, the judging and the standard setting were never worth your stress, time, effort or hard-earned money to begin with. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! I really gotta laugh at some of the dumb crap I did in the name of "love" and "support". And that's how I know I'm over the past. I can laugh at myself, remind myself that I know now what I should have known then and I keep it moving.

If any of you ever do something for me ever, not like you owe me anything, but let's pretend. Love yourself, love your flaws, love your triumphs, love your dreams and love your failures. Love yourself enough to give yourself time to grow at your own pace. You thought I was gonna ask you just one thing, huh? No. It's my birthday, I get a pass today. You cannot love yourself through the eyes of someone else. Why? Because when they stop loving this part of you or that part of you, then what?! What are you left with? No. Be stubborn about the love you feel for yourself so that if some man or woman, romantically or otherwise, happens to enter your life? Once things end, if they do, you walk away with the same self-love that you walked in with.

Here's the thing. Life is unpredictable. Our family buried a 12 year old boy last Tuesday. Did his mum think he wouldn't come home that day? No. That, my friends, can happen to any one of us, at any age. You don't want to meet your life's end, hating on yourself! There really isn't time to waste on losing love and patience with yourself over the opinions of NOBODY!
Not everybody will give credit where credit is due.
Not everybody will think about or talk about the times that you brought light into their lives.
Not everybody will be as blatant about their own shitty part of the story as they will be about yours.
Not everybody's gonna do right by you.
And guess what?
You're not always gonna do right by others either.
That's a fact.

That's life!

You have two choices. Crumble over it or build from it and if you're gonna beat yourself up over what didn't work, relationship-wise, goals-wise, whatever-wise, you might as well be tying your own hands and ankles together because failure can imprison you, if you let it! Opinions of others can imprison you, if you let it!

Don't!

Tomorrow, the sun will rise and the sun will set. Despite what happened yesterday!

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