HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

It's 2014 in South Africa! Good news is that I haven't been hauled outa the function by the infamous SCSG! So it's been a good transition from last year to this one!

2013 has just been amaaaaaaaaazeballs! A mixed bag of experiences that I didn't know I needed and some I knew I couldn't live without!

See you guys later!

Pssssssst! I wore flat shoes, and earrings! So I'm gonna get my dance on! Earrings have nothing to do with it but these are hanging ones, thought they were worth the mention. I'm not starting out the new year offending my accessories!
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New Years Eve Procession

I'm at this function now with my family. It's past 10pm, and ofcourse, New Years Eve!

The security at the gate? I think he thought he was on an episode of World's Most Serious Coloured Security Guard or something. He was like, "Engen card please!" No smile on his face. Hardly the reception I expected on New Years Eve, lemme tell ya! Plus what makes it worse? He's Coloured! A serious Coloured asking a sweet Coloured like thaaaaaat, "Engen card please?!"

Meanwhile I told him I'm here for a social club function. O_o! Little did I know, it was a private function. Yes! I was invited! They didn't give me all the details, clearly!

Either way, he starts asking me to drop names like I'm being interrogated in the First 48?! I'm like WTF is wrong with this serious Coloured security guard? I still don't know. But, I'm at his mercy so, I'm being as polite as one Coloured to another, can get. I give him my cousins name and the bastard asks for another name!

>_< See now?

Now? My old year blood is beginning to boil, right?! I then state his...I did STATE, 'cause of how serious he was. If he was like chilled and even smiling? I woulda said! Not stated! Anyway? I state my cousins wife's name! I dunno if he gave up on me or what? Either that or keep me there stating names until the countdown. Orrrr until I put foot to the accelerator and then I'm involved in a serious Coloured security guard chase on New Years Eve. Damon woulda enjoyed that!

SCSG (by now you know what that stands for) then orders me to "PROCEED!" Hahahhahahaaha!!! I needed to burst out laughing but I made sure to keep my composure. It was on the verge of going either way at that point. And then I just did my hair too. Getting whacked over the head with his walky-talky wasn't part of the plan!

I think it's obvious that I proceeded.
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Damn, This Season has been Boring! Tra-la-la-la-laaaa-blah-blah-blah-blahhhh!

Yo! Yo! Yo!! Why, hello to you too! ^_^!

Lemme telya! I'm very, very, very short-breathed by the lack of "noise" during this festive season! It's almost as though everybody's taken an oath of boredom or something.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Smh!
Uhm-uhm-uhm!
Oooooooo-a-a!

And whatever other written expressions of disgust that you can find.

'Cause it's not just me. It's every single body that I've asked? "Sohhhh? How's your festives going?" I'm polite like that. And no, I didn't keep count! Three equals thirty in some instances.

They all quickly come back with, "Borrrrring!" "Quieeeeet!" I'm beginning to think that Lynn's Dubai departure has had a far greater effect than I thought! Hey?! O_O! Mayyyyyyyybe?! Maybe someone in their family's also skipped the country. Ya never know! I just may be onto something here!

Wait...wait....I'm thinking.................................................

I'm gonna include that in my follow up festive courtesy question. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-M! That's it! There's only one way to know fo shizzle! "Wow?! Quiet too? You had the family magnet move to Dubai, huh?" If their heads start to tilt like a puppy and their faces begin to skew in confusion? 'Cause they may just be that typa family, you know. Where allll their festives are just ordinarily quiet? I'll just point to my left with an enquiring expression and yell, "Commmmming!" Ay, it works in the movies. But ima reserve it for certain responses. The enjoyable ones? I'll just snarl or growl or click my tongue in envy and then walk away while they're in mid-commentary of all the fun they had!

And now at 4.06am, I lift my cupa tea and propose a toast, "Here's hoping our New Year's Eve and Day will involve at least one sliver of excitement!" PS: Out of sheer desperation? I'll even take a drunk relative tripping over his/her own feet. Noooooh-noh! Don't be putting words on my post. I never said.....and hurt themselves. I'l have you know, it issss possible to trip and not hurt yourself! I know a couple. From Wendy. She's always tripping and not hurting herself.

I would demonstrate for y'all but my sinus...? Yeahhhhhh! Who trips themselves while their sinus is acting up? I'd be here about to inflict a trip and then, "Wait, aaaaaaaaah, wait aaaaaaaah-ti, wait aaaaaaaaah-tish...I need to sneeze...aaaaaaaaaaah-tishoooo!" Plus I'm kinda half-asleep. Which is better than nothing since it'd be a wee bit strange if I was tripping myself while my whole self was sleeping.

More importantly? The half of me that's awoke insists on practising caution because, well? I have New Years Eve plans and all it's saying to me right now is, "When you demonstrate hurtless tripping while half your alertness is sleeping? Oooooooo-whoooooo, I don't see that ending well! You may just crack my forehead open on this packet of Damon's stationery or worse? Crack your forehead open on Damon's stationery annnnnnnnnnd have to drive yourself to Bluff Medi-centre! No thank you very much."

Ima listen to caution. And you know what? I think I'd better go on to bed now too before I'm bullied by my dormant adventurous side and then find myself blogging from the doctors rooms about, "Actually, it's not possible, afterall, to trip and not hurt yourself!" Five stitches later!

Sweet dreams!
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Merry Christmas from South Africa!!

I wish you alllllll a wonderful Christmas Day! God, food, fun and family and don't be forgetting laughter now!!! Nooooooh, not like a giggle...I mean LOUD RAUCOUS SNORTING SIDE-PAIN LAUGHTER! Like BWAAAAAAAAASNORTHAAAAAAAAHAHSNORTHAHAHHAHHAHASNORTHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! Try it...don't be shy...go on...okay, okay. After lunch then. When you're nice and stuffed and happy.

Pssssssssssssst...Maybe wait for someone to sip on soda and then do something totally foolish! But make sure you're not standing in front of the soda sipper! Ay? I had my turn to spray my gulp of tea outa my mouth this festive season when I burst out laughing at Gillian telling a story! We thought we knew the point of it when she began telling it but mannnn? Somewhere, somehowwwww? She managed to confuse the tea right outa my mouth. Sorry Kelly! >_<! Smh! Poor girl didn't even see it coming!

And one last thing. Be responsible alright? If you're gonna have the joy juice? Have the joy juice and enjoy it, just not behind the wheel of your car!

Merry Christmas from South Africa, everybody!
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Thinking About You

I know you can see me laying here thinking about you, you pretty little Angel you. Can't believe that one whollllle year has passed already! You'd be surprised to hear how many people are thinking about the fact that time just seems to be whizzzzing past them. I'm feeling a bit guilty, aside from so many other things going through my mind right now? This year has been so full, jampacked actually, that there were days that I did forget to think about you. It wasn't because I'd forgotten you, never. It's just...life gets so busy sometimes, one can barely remember their own names.

I still wish so hard that I could have met you. One more day and I would have, and mannnn Kai? I was so excited about seeing you last year but I've learnt to trust that God's will is the best one even when it doesn't feel the nicest kinda way inside. I trust too that you're healed and you're whole and that you're happy, I'm sure even more beautiful too. Ever since we were old enough to understand, we were always taught that that's what happens in Heaven.

Guess what? I was with your mum just a few days ago, we made unforgettable memories and did soooooh much laughing, you know how your gran is, there's bound to be laughter when she's around. As for Leigh? She's even crazier than your gran is, LOL! Paige was rolling on the floor at one point 'coz you're gran was yelling about she got amnesia! Self-diagnosis, I might add! LOL! I'm sure Paige's tummy, just like all of ours, hurt more than many times from all the laughing too. She keeps you right there on her bedroom wall.

I'm thinking about you my sugar, and I'm gonna say, in advance, that I'm sorry because I'm gonna forget again to think about you on my most busy days but my heart and soul will never forget to love you, everyday.

Endless Love
Aunty Stacey
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Some Festive Fun

Here?  She's come up with this wrecking-ball-between-the-legs-bunny-hop...go-figure!  And good luck with that too!  LOL!  I was there and I'm still tryna go figure it out!

Now?  Ya Rambler is off to get the last of her shopping done!  I'm soooooh over this Christmas rush, I telya!  Whoever used shopping as therapy, needs to see themselves a shrink!  Cannot.  Deal!

Happy birthday, BD!

One of my bestest best friends in the whole round world was born today! If ever I've known of an unconditional anything, I've learnt it from this unexpected friendship! If you knew the dynamics of our encounter, you'd understand why I call it an unexpected friendship. Why I referred to unconditonality?Lmfao! Hey? At least you know fo shizzle that my blog wasn't hijacked by a proper speaking imposter!  Well?  I guess when you make it through the ups and downs that often accompany any type of relationship, whether it be friends, cousins, siblings?  Unconditionality is what get's you there!

Great news?! I'm off work 'til the 6th and if you thought this vacation had anything to do with rest? Think again! That's not what the holiday's are for and you know it! If right now, you're over there roooooooolaxin? Best you check yaself! There's definitely a ridiculously long queue that you should be waiting in. That isssss, in the midst of getting bumped, left, right and centre, mumbling Christmas cheer. And by that I mean, all those vile curse words you can't remember being taught, but know anyyyyyyway.

Can you tell that I'm beginning not to like shopping this time of the year? Just a tad. Not altogether. How else am I gonna use those infamous curse words then? Can't have them bubbling inside of me indefinitely! You already know what that does?!

Please don't look at me with that, "What it does again?!?!" expression! Have you not heard I word I've typed?

There ya go. Thatttttt's right! That person who just said, "Aaaaaaah yeah! I remember! It makes you nothing but a bitter ol' somebody who everybody avoids like a diseased ridden locust plague!" I feel better now.

>_<!  Just realized that the person who just answered me, was me.  No thanks to you.  Lucky me?  I've outgrown it. Bitterness is not a good look.  Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  If you never remember anything I've ever said.  Remember that.  It deepens your frown lines and ages the crap outa you.  I don't think that you would carry any kinda pro-ageing cream in your cosmetic bag that promises to do that, right?  So then why carry it in your heart?
 
Well, I gotta run now. Noooooooooooooooh, oh no no no!  Not exercise run.  Don't be nasty.  Santa's watching!  Besides?  It's past midnight in South Africa.  I would have to have a death wish or a powerful tazor to even think about that.  Just a word of warning?  Wendy has a tazor and she's itchy to use it.  So, if you're feeling a little low on voltage, give her a call and she'll be only too happy to help!

Seriously though, I've been really busy these past weeks. It never stops, does it! But I'm happy for the gift of life, and for the fact that I'm blessed enough toooooo be busy. And alive! That's always a plus. I'll see you guys soon!

Happy birthday, Baldy! Can't imagine this world without your craziness!

And last but not least. The world said a final goodbye to our former President, Nelson Mandela today! May he rest in peace. That's all he was after on this earth, afterall.

Just One Night

She's herrrrrrrrrrrrre! I'm sitting next to her right now. Summer's taking a picture of her with this cap covering her one eye. This?!? This is what you call cheap child labour! It's about their fifth take by now!

Nevermind, Cruz bit her finger earlier! Must be that foreign smell hahhahhahhaa! She screamed, "RABBBBBBBBBIES!!! Smh! You're classified as a dog and then bite someone and that's the first thing they yell!

That was before or after she told us, I can't recall.....she just returned from Afganistan right? They briefed the girl on Army base behaviour. Something tells me that she was either petrified or excited, even in her sleep 'cause she couldn't wait to take cover!!!! Yep! For a person that sleeps DEAD?!? She woke from this louuuuuuud sound and like she was born to do it. I'm using my imagination here. She dived onto the floor just like they told her to. Just...that sound?

Jets.

If you ask me? She just wanted the dive on the floor in an army base experience. I could be wrong but IIIIIIIII doubt it!

She was like, "I heard this sound! It was deafening! I dived on the floor (acting it out)? But the sound wasn't stopping! So I'm laying there. And laying there. And layyyyyyyyying there!

LMFAO!

Then all nonchalantly, she says, "Then I remembered, oh okay, they did tell me about the jets!"

HHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA! GOD I MISSED HER!


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Enough Said! Obama Honours Mandela

2013-12-10 13:46
To Graça Machel and the Mandela family; to President Zuma and members of the government; to heads of state and government, past and present; distinguished guests - it is a singular honor to be with you today, to celebrate a life unlike any other. To the people of South Africa - people of every race and walk of life - the world thanks you for sharing Nelson Mandela with us. His struggle was your struggle. His triumph was your triumph. Your dignity and hope found expression in his life, and your freedom, your democracy is his cherished legacy.

It is hard to eulogize any man - to capture in words not just the facts and the dates that make a life, but the essential truth of a person - their private joys and sorrows; the quiet moments and unique qualities that illuminate someone's soul. How much harder to do so for a giant of history, who moved a nation toward justice, and in the process moved billions around the world.

Born during World War I, far from the corridors of power, a boy raised herding cattle and tutored by elders of his Thembu tribe - Madiba would emerge as the last great liberator of the 20th century. Like Gandhi, he would lead a resistance movement - a movement that at its start held little prospect of success. Like King, he would give potent voice to the claims of the oppressed, and the moral necessity of racial justice. He would endure a brutal imprisonment that began in the time of Kennedy and Khrushchev, and reached the final days of the Cold War. Emerging from prison, without force of arms, he would - like Lincoln - hold his country together when it threatened to break apart. Like America's founding fathers, he would erect a constitutional order to preserve freedom for future generations - a commitment to democracy and rule of law ratified not only by his election, but by his willingness to step down from power.

Given the sweep of his life, and the adoration that he so rightly earned, it is tempting then to remember Nelson Mandela as an icon, smiling and serene, detached from the tawdry affairs of lesser men. But Madiba himself strongly resisted such a lifeless portrait. Instead, he insisted on sharing with us his doubts and fears; his miscalculations along with his victories. "I'm not a saint," he said, "unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying."

It was precisely because he could admit to imperfection - because he could be so full of good humor, even mischief, despite the heavy burdens he carried - that we loved him so. He was not a bust made of marble; he was a man of flesh and blood - a son and husband, a father and a friend. That is why we learned so much from him; that is why we can learn from him still. For nothing he achieved was inevitable. In the arc of his life, we see a man who earned his place in history through struggle and shrewdness; persistence and faith. He tells us what's possible not just in the pages of dusty history books, but in our own lives as well.

Mandela showed us the power of action; of taking risks on behalf of our ideals. Perhaps Madiba was right that he inherited, "a proud rebelliousness, a stubborn sense of fairness" from his father. Certainly he shared with millions of black and colored South Africans the anger born of, "a thousand slights, a thousand indignities, a thousand unremembered moments…a desire to fight the system that imprisoned my people."

But like other early giants of the ANC - the Sisulus and Tambos - Madiba disciplined his anger; and channeled his desire to fight into organization, and platforms, and strategies for action, so men and women could stand-up for their dignity. Moreover, he accepted the consequences of his actions, knowing that standing up to powerful interests and injustice carries a price. "I have fought against white domination and I have fought against black domination," he said at his 1964 trial. "I've cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die."

Mandela taught us the power of action, but also ideas; the importance of reason and arguments; the need to study not only those you agree with, but those who you don't. He understood that ideas cannot be contained by prison walls, or extinguished by a sniper's bullet. He turned his trial into an indictment of apartheid because of his eloquence and passion, but also his training as an advocate. He used decades in prison to sharpen his arguments, but also to spread his thirst for knowledge to others in the movement. And he learned the language and customs of his oppressor so that one day he might better convey to them how their own freedom depended upon his.

Mandela demonstrated that action and ideas are not enough; no matter how right, they must be chiseled into laws and institutions. He was practical, testing his beliefs against the hard surface of circumstance and history. On core principles he was unyielding, which is why he could rebuff offers of conditional release, reminding the Apartheid regime that, "prisoners cannot enter into contracts." But as he showed in painstaking negotiations to transfer power and draft new laws, he was not afraid to compromise for the sake of a larger goal. And because he was not only a leader of a movement, but a skillful politician, the Constitution that emerged was worthy of this multiracial democracy; true to his vision of laws that protect minority as well as majority rights, and the precious freedoms of every South African.

Finally, Mandela understood the ties that bind the human spirit. There is a word in South Africa- Ubuntu - that describes his greatest gift: his recognition that we are all bound together in ways that can be invisible to the eye; that there is a oneness to humanity; that we achieve ourselves by sharing ourselves with others, and caring for those around us. We can never know how much of this was innate in him, or how much of was shaped and burnished in a dark, solitary cell. But we remember the gestures, large and small - introducing his jailors as honored guests at his inauguration; taking the pitch in a Springbok uniform; turning his family's heartbreak into a call to confront HIV/AIDS - that revealed the depth of his empathy and understanding. He not only embodied Ubuntu; he taught millions to find that truth within themselves. It took a man like Madiba to free not just the prisoner, but the jailor as well; to show that you must trust others so that they may trust you; to teach that reconciliation is not a matter of ignoring a cruel past, but a means of confronting it with inclusion, generosity and truth. He changed laws, but also hearts.

For the people of South Africa, for those he inspired around the globe - Madiba's passing is rightly a time of mourning, and a time to celebrate his heroic life. But I believe it should also prompt in each of us a time for self-reflection. With honesty, regardless of our station or circumstance, we must ask: how well have I applied his lessons in my own life?

It is a question I ask myself - as a man and as a President. We know that like South Africa, the United States had to overcome centuries of racial subjugation. As was true here, it took the sacrifice of countless people - known and unknown - to see the dawn of a new day. Michelle and I are the beneficiaries of that struggle. But in America and South Africa, and countries around the globe, we cannot allow our progress to cloud the fact that our work is not done. The struggles that follow the victory of formal equality and universal franchise may not be as filled with drama and moral clarity as those that came before, but they are no less important. For around the world today, we still see children suffering from hunger, and disease; run-down schools, and few prospects for the future. Around the world today, men and women are still imprisoned for their political beliefs; and are still persecuted for what they look like, or how they worship, or who they love.

We, too, must act on behalf of justice. We, too, must act on behalf of peace. There are too many of us who happily embrace Madiba's legacy of racial reconciliation, but passionately resist even modest reforms that would challenge chronic poverty and growing inequality. There are too many leaders who claim solidarity with Madiba's struggle for freedom, but do not tolerate dissent from their own people. And there are too many of us who stand on the sidelines, comfortable in complacency or cynicism when our voices must be heard.

The questions we face today - how to promote equality and justice; to uphold freedom and human rights; to end conflict and sectarian war - do not have easy answers. But there were no easy answers in front of that child in Qunu. Nelson Mandela reminds us that it always seems impossible until it is done. South Africa shows us that is true. South Africa shows us we can change. We can choose to live in a world defined not by our differences, but by our common hopes. We can choose a world defined not by conflict, but by peace and justice and opportunity.

We will never see the likes of Nelson Mandela again. But let me say to the young people of Africa, and young people around the world - you can make his life's work your own. Over thirty years ago, while still a student, I learned of Mandela and the struggles in this land. It stirred something in me. It woke me up to my responsibilities - to others, and to myself - and set me on an improbable journey that finds me here today. And while I will always fall short of Madiba's example, he makes me want to be better. He speaks to what is best inside us. After this great liberator is laid to rest; when we have returned to our cities and villages, and rejoined our daily routines, let us search then for his strength - for his largeness of spirit - somewhere inside ourselves. And when the night grows dark, when injustice weighs heavy on our hearts, or our best laid plans seem beyond our reach - think of Madiba, and the words that brought him comfort within the four walls of a cell:

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

What a great soul it was. We will miss him deeply. May God bless the memory of Nelson Mandela. May God bless the people of South Africa.
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Thank You, Madiba

Funny enough, I heard from overseas that Mandela had passed. I'm firing myself as news reporter. I'm fired. There . Done.

I don't even know where to start. Up to my matric year, I had no idea who Mandela was. Not only was I absolutely not interested in politics like that? But to my knowledge, I hadn't even learnt about him in history up to that point.

But then years later, I met one of the most important people in my life, and it was only because Mandela lived. And our friendship? That connection that we share? It started from the moment we met and nothing. Not absence, differences, happenstance nor distance has ever been able to break it. That is how I will choose to honor Madiba. Through this life-long friendship that he CAUSED in my life.

I'm almost certain that you too, have your own special Madiba moment. And if it's not as personal as mine? Then honor the fact that we were fortunate enough to have one of the world's bravest souls born from our soil.

RIP Mr. Nelson "Madiba" Mandela, thank you!
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The Bastards!

Nothing interesting unfolding around these parts, so the Rambler news desk is empty! Oh! Oh! Oh! Petrol went up again, that-that's something huh?

Naaaaaaaaah!

That's not news! That's a way of life. However, it was to my ears yesterday when Wendy asked me, "D'you know petrol went up?" The basssssstards!!!! Apparently, it was announced on the radio on Tuesday and I missed it. And do you know why? Because I couldn't get signal! And do you know why? Because I had my cd player BLARRRRRRRING with, "Ain nobuuudy bidni" That's English. I think. On sommmmme planet! And do you know why? O_o! Well now, THAT didn't work, did it? Uuuurgh, what I'm tryna say is this?!

Somebody stole my freakin' car aerial. Yup! The basssssstards!!!! You knew that was coming, didn't you? These are another breed, I telya. They probably reallllllllllllllly needed it. You know? -_- To. To listen for when petrol increases were announced. Or the East Coast Radio Breakfast Show. Apparently, it's not to be missed. I hope it was worth it though. Unscrewing my aerial in broad daylight! It had to be broad daylight because we sleep at night. Me and my car. I hope that whatEVer they needed it for, was worth it. Else it'd just be a waste of going to hell.

Question?
What do you think hell is? The basta...>_< not yet!
I always maintained that we're living in hell and when we die, we then go to heaven. All you need to do is look around you. 'Specially when you're at the gym. And then give some consideration to my theory. People in hell, I assume, would be like, "Uuuuuuuuuurgh!" "Uuuuuuuuurgh!" Right? What about funerals? The Priest almost neVer eVer says, "Let us bow our heads while we think about the fact that so and so's soul has just dropped straight to hell." Understandably, it could be that they only tell the immediate family things like that but the public? Huh-uh!

Hahhahahhahahha! O_o! Confession session. I just typed, pubic. Let's all raise whatever's in our hands! Here, here! Here's hoping that a priest never eVer tells anybody's pubic's any damn thing!

It's now just before 6pm. Durban time. I was at this function that we just left from. We were the help. The smiling tickers. That's why I'm wearing these clothes. Black clothes. The type that needs ironing. With buttons and little seams and darts and shit. Lemme tell you something. One day, I shall be the guest of honour! Of something where...

SCUREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!! O_O!

I'll have to make speech then, right!
Neverrrrrrmind!
Never!
Mind!

That'll be me hiding under a desk like I did when we were being robbed at gunpoint in 2002 and my brother thought that the armed robbers took me hostage and got off his flight to Port Elizabeth. Mid-air!

That's a bold-faced lie.
The plane was still grounded but I'm sure he disembarked in a very heroic manner. And if I wanna envision my brother like one would envision James Bond, then just let me. I need that.

See? 'Cause I was numb. Laugh if you want. It's funny now, and check it out....I can join in too, HA! You'd be numb too if like an idiot, you chose to wear a long skirt that day and you felt the robber stand right next to you, you know how their shoes brush up against the hem of your skirt? Yeah! And took your car keys and cellphone off the very desk that you're hiding under and just when you think he's stepping back to put some space between the two of you before he drags you out from under there by your stupid long skirt but then you realize he's not. And you're too afraid to breath! Normal breathe or a sigh of relief where instead of you! He's dragged the outfit in the packet behind you by the wall, that you just bought on sale!

Plus our knitting was in my car. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, correction. Ima say MY knitting. I don't have a CLUUUUUE what Wendy was doing with those needles and that wool. ALL I remember was that she was making something that got wider and smaller for no apparent reason.

I know you're asking yourself, "What colour was her outfit?" Well? Ima tell you! I hid because I heard the panicked screams of our receptionist and when I peered...? Notice! Ya Rambler, peered. Wendy, on the other hand, went to the reception area like, "Who are these guys?" She coulda been right there, hiding with me, but neoooooooooooooh!

Me? It was payday! I was packing up! It was five minutes before we closed. I was leaving in a week for Los Angeles! Too much going on to need to know who those guys were. I still don't know who they were. But I'm sure they're pretty warm in my scarf, that thing Wendy was making and our new suits! The basssssstards!

Anyway. Can't change the past but let's hope Wendy's learnt her lesson by now. Peer instead of..................................................... I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with peer that means "walk boldly into danger."

Can't. Think. Of. One.

I hear the commotion. I peeeeeer to my right 'cause there was a passage from our office leading to reception and I saw this guy running with what looked like a rusty gun and a yellow t-shirt! What was I supposed to do? Run into them? Someone had to hide! 'Cause if you think about robber movies, there're those being made to walk from their offices with their hands behind their heads, those that are made to lay face down in the boardroom having their pockets emptied, and me. That one! That is hiding.

Hey, I wonder what he woulda done if I'd picked up my stapler and held it like a gun, ran alongside him and just started mimicking everything he was doing?
I'll never know. So after I peered? I veered! On the side of caution and crawled under my desk and prayed like I have never prayed before! I can tell you with every shred of confidence that the saying, "Time flies when you're having fun!" That saying? Is right on the freakin' money! 'Cause those five or so minutes felt like five hours. I was positive that I would die that day. And that ain't no fun!

And now? We're on our way home and just passed the Methodist Church in the city where I was robbed in Grade 11. People are always taking my stufffffffff. The basssssstards!!! I'm noticing this pattern and I don't like it! I twanged when I said I don't like it. So, read it again, with a twang. Like you're from Britain.

Maybe if I wasssssssss from Britain, I'd still have my dad's rates money and my mums atm card. They didn't want my silver bracelets, I offered it to them. Just the gold, the money, and the card.

The baSSSSSStards!!!!

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Crazy Times with my Family....and Cruzzy pups

Thanksgiving Ramble

Happy Thanksgiving, to all of you celebrating this holiday tomorrow!! ^_^!!!!

I'm just sitting here thinking.

O_O!

Heyyyyyyyy! Don't run! Come backkkkkkk! Please? Hmmmmmpf! Well, ima type it out anyway, 'cause I know one day when you're bored...or drunk, you're gonna come back on here and read!

Every country should have a Thanksgiving Day. Don't you think? You're welcome to answer that upon your return. It should be a pre-requisite, like..."Hmmmmmmmmmm? So (tap fingers on desk). You wanna be a country, do ya? Well, you gotta have a Thanksgiving Day! If not! You shall remain a nameless piece-a-earth for alllll time!"

Whoever passes the "Become a Country" applications? They haven't given any thought to world peace. That much is clear! And I'm not tryna win Miss Universe here. Ya Rambler is merely a citizen of the earth, wanting each country to experience at leeeeeeeeeast one day where everybody is thankful for everybody else and everything that they have! For me, that's the first step to peace. Accepting and appreciating what you have and who you have in your life.

'Cause, look! When countries declare war? You think it's because they're happy with what they have? Oh hell no! They're happy with what that ottttther country has! They've peered their sneaky little spying asses over that border and they want it! First sign of unappreciativeNESS! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk! Even though one of the Ten Commandments state clearly that we should not covet our neighbours possessions! Heathens!

And and and!!! We should allllllllll have Thanksgiving on the same day! At the same time! Uh-huh! Yeah. Okay I admit, that one will be a teeny tiny bit tricky. Some of us will begin Thanksgiving at 9pm or something ridiculous like that, you know? Depending on how far away you are from the Equator or-or Antarctica...but the main thing is that the whole world will be sharing a meal, together! I would give you give permission to eat late on Thanksgiving!

Added to that! There should be a non-negotiable clause forcing the government of each country to forfeit the millions they're saving for "important things", at least some of it, let's not cause them to break out in hives, and feed the homeless too, on World Thanksgiving Day!

Me? I'm yet to experience being in the US over the Thanksgiving weekend and ohhhhhhhhh how I want to! I've made sure not to cross it off my wish list! And you know what happens when I do that, huh? That's right! I leave it righhhhhht on that sucker!

It looks so much like Christmas with my family here at home! In the movies! I watched that Madea movie. Heyyyyy, don't shoot the messenger! >_<! Rats! Wrong cliche'. Don't shoot the learning from the movies concept. They're based on some level of reality. Not those alien ones, but! Those are based on someone's nightmares. Or dreams. Orrrr, something their parents threatened them with as a child, if they didn't go to bed by curfew. Depends on who it is, I suppose!

I'm not into those. If I'm answering "what is your favourite typa movie?" in the Cosmo? I would need to be high on anti-nflammatories to nail choose c) Sci-fi! That's what I do, I make a line through my choice with my nail. Just in case I change my mind when I don't fall into the best category of whatever quiz I'm taking. Hahahahahahha, you know you redo them too if the answers you chose, lead you onto be the worst girlfriend/boyfriend, ever known to history.

That by no means, means, that they're bad. They're not. I honestly respect the creativity and imaginative effort that goes into those and good for you, if you're running to the movie house on opening day but sci-fi?!? Eh! I'd crawl slower than a tortoise with knocked-knees to see those. Each to his own!

Howevvvvver?!? I did enjoy the last Men in Black where Will found out about his dad and everything. Something about sadness in movies makes me happy watching them. O_o! Call me sadistic and I'll be very sad. Uhhhhhhhh, I mighta left that open to misunderstanding. My own sadness? Doesn't make me happy. Just others'. Getting paid to pretend to be.

Well? My shoulder's on fire, lemme rest it for a while. Here's wishing you a wonderful, family-filled day with lots food and leftovers for breakfast! Be safe and blessed!

Love
The Random Rambler

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Armour

Sticks and stones, it felt as though you loved me
Until I watched you stop just to start throwing
Aiming fire from your tongue, doesn't it burn?
Now that the seasons changed to your turn

I wear this armour, spray my truth like a repellent
To keep you further from me, than an arms length
Pulled my head outa the clouds, reality's a lighter tone
In time, before a thumb completely crushed my last bone

Guarded me from influence, 'til I cracked open that lock
Noosed my neck with chains, sunk me with an anchor block
You didn't expect to return to find me swimming myself free
Throwing your trap net but I've drifted out too far to reach me

I wear this armour, spray my truth like a repellent
To keep you further from me, than an arms length
Pulled my head outa the clouds, reality's a lighter tone
In time, before a thumb completely crushed my last bone

Setting my sights on the horizon, I've been where the shore's crash
Where the water shallows and runs from grains of sand

Stacey A. Kell
South Africa
2013.11.25







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Happy Birthday, my Swinging Door

Happy 19th birthday, Paige. May God come first always, may you believe in my love for you always, may you know your worth always, may you put thought before decision always but most of all may you love and forgive yourself always so that you know the measure of love and forgiveness you should always have for others.

Fulfil your purpose with grace & greatness. Limits are the stoppers we place on our own doors of achievement. Realize that a swinging door needs no stopper, it stays fastened on its hinges yet is able to open to its furthest point, not forgetting where it started at. Go be that swinging door, my sugar. I'm already proud of you! I love you, <3, Mummy


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Wrapped in Tricks

D'you know what I did today? Wished that I knew what youuuuuu were doing today! Okay, okay, you got me! That wasn't my wish. Ya Rambler was way too busy falling in love! Yep! You read me right! I fell in love affffffffffter I went to the bank, grocery shopping, unpacked, vacuumed and washed the dishes! See, you gotta get ya to-do list outa the way first. Thennnnn, you're free to have ya heart captured. Some of us? We do things the other way around, things don't work out, and if you're that "blame it all on someone else" type, then we blame our ex-partners for our own choices. Sometimes, even to the point of blatant lying jusssssssss to make yourself look and feel better. Tsk tsk tsk. That's not how it's done. But if you're one of those who takes responsibility for their own choices? Then go on ahead and fall in love before you do the groceries! You'll be alright!

Aren't you happy for me, though? It's been a while since I've felt this. He clung to me and held onto my finger! Tight! Put his silky soft cheek against me while I held him close.....

Annnnnnnnnnd?

He's just three days old. Uh-huhhhhh, got you there, didn't I? You were expecting some juicy, torrid, love story, weren't you?! Well? Sorry to disappoint you....I met my beautiful nephew this afternoon for the very first time!

Hey, can I ask you something real quick.....What is it about holding a newborn baby that makes you think about the time you willingly wrapped your entire body in clingwrap? That ever happen to you? I was sitting there oooooooh-ing and aaaaaaaah-ing and suddenly?! Visions of myself in clingwrap laying on my mums couch start crowding my thoughts! O_O! Maybe its because I was trying to lose the baby weight after Paige was born? She's nineteen tomorrow! And because I was holding baby Juan, it triggered off memories of one of the stupiD-IST moments in my life? You think? Or or or, how about this.....Maybe it was because....>_<! Nope! That's it. That's all the maybe's I got.

I wonder if we have a brainstorm session on dieting? I wonder if we can actually count the number of tricks that women, AND men, have tried through the ages, just to lose weight, when all it really takes is eating right and exercising.

For me? THAT's the tricky part right there! Not the clingwrap trick, or the drinking seaweed juice trick, haven't tried that one, but there's still time...what about eating nothing but grapes for weeks on end? That one? I think I made it through half the day.

When I see "Best results when combined with a kilojoule restricted diet" My immediate response is, "Aaaaaaargh, way toooooooo many restrictions there, nexxxxxxxxxxt!?" When I read the label and it says, "Best results when combined with exercise" The next words outa my mouth are, "You know what? I don't feel thaaaaat fat afterall!" Off to the sweet isle to reverse the effects of having to read such traumatising statements!

Look? Man cannot live on eating right and exercise, alone! Chocolate has to feature sommmmmmewhere in there. It's only fair! I refuse to believe that I was put on this earth, NOT to eat chocolate, or?!? Or to exercise with weights and all. What's that all about?!?! Wrapping myself in clingwrap and sweating to a standstill wasn't part of the plan too, I'm sure. But hey? If you haven't pretended to be left-over roast chicken at least ONE time in your life? Then clearly you have. Not. Lived!

I didn't lose weight laying there like peeled carrot that would be used for tomorrows dinner, shocker, but I gave it my best shot! I perspired as best as I could! That's called effort! And a waste of clingwrap. Did I tell you how gorgeous my nephew is? He has these dimples, and this cleft and a mouth you just wanna stare at while you lay there like a clingwrapped mummy. It'd take your mind off hoping and praying that your boyfriend didn't choose to surprise you with an early visit!
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Fling the Cat Outa The Bag, Why DONTCHA!

Guess what's on the front page of our newspaper today?  You ready?!!?!?!?   

SHORTAGE OF BREATHALYSERS HAMPER POLICE! 

Now youuuuu tell me?  Tell me anything.  Please!  ‘Cause this?  This tops the dim-witted list for me!  And I hope that you’re holding on to your chair because there’s more!  These very generous journalists then go on to say…..Motorists who drive drunk this festive season in Durban could get away with it because many officers in the city don't have access to breathalysers!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!! 

Hold on while my facial expression turns to humorous disgust! 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

DISGUST!

Stupid stupid STUPID!  NO,  not me!  These clowns who have just told all of the festive seasons drunk drivers in Durban, “You there!  Yes, you with the possible innate fear of being arrested for the zero tolerance limit we just told you was implemented?!!  Get ya drink on!  Jump in ya car!  Kill your fellow Durbanites!  And you can still enjoy your Christmas!  Make sure though?  Make sure that you do it before some kind soul sponsors our police force with enough breathalysers to protect the sober drivers.  A-hem!  And their children!  You better hurrrrrrrrry!  Pssssssssssssst….The government haven’t yet realized that just the other day?  They also made it public news that they have millions in the budget for SPORTS!  Merry Christmas, you drunken hazards, you!!!!”

Dammmm?!  I'm no frequent drinker but I can imagine the twinkle in a few people's eyes right about now.  With the office Christmas party’s already on the go, this is wonderful news!  Right??? 

Isn’t it!?!?! 

No.  It’s.  Not.

Can we pretend for a while that we’re not surrounded by these circus ring leaders, and just rather use our own discretion on the roads?  Please people!  Let’s just remember…and I say, let’s, as though I belong in that drunken driving community.  O_o!  I don’t but there is strength in numbers.  Ima be a make-believe one for now.  Yep!  I love us that much.  Now?  You…love us too and do your best to keep a level head while you’re intoxicated, alright?  By that, I mean, ask your friends and family to hide ya car keys and make it your duty to tell them that should you begin to perform about who’s car it is, to slap you twelve times in your mouth, sixteen times on both ya eyes, so that you have no choice but to shut up and sleep!

Just because the hand of foolishness has been extended?  There’s no law that states, we’re to grab ahold of it! 

Be safe out there.  I always found that key words are easier to remember than entire sentences.  So here are some to help you along.  You’re welcome to  print them out and make keycards if you need.  Give your family as gifts even!  

Family/Friend

Hide Keys

Cause scene

SMACK!

Twelve times mouth

Sixteen times both eyes

Shut up

Sleep

Family Reunion 2013

It was amazing!!!! I just got home now, left most of them still on the dance floor!

That's all I'm gonna say for now...as well as? My feet feel as if I've walked over hot coal, on purpose and I need a shower after dancing my ass off like that tonight!

Peace, Love and Family Joy to you all, Goodnight! I'm so happy! ^_^! Just like THAT!
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Temperature Torture

I just said to Durban, "Ima tell!" So here I am, telling you how unbearably hot it is! It's HOTTTT! Did I say it's HOT?!? Yes, I did! It's HOTTTT! OMG, I can barely muster up the energy to tell you how HOTTT it is! HOTTTTTT, I telya! Just had a cold shower after dance class and it mattered NOT! Because it's too HOTTT!

What was that? AIR-CON, you say? Hm-mmmmmm.....SINUS, I say! And now? Let's alllllllllllllllllll say, SUFFER!! Or better still?! Nobody talk! SILENCE IN THE HOTNESS! BANG BANG BANG! It's too HOT to listen!

Feeling 'OT 'OT 'OT! That's a party song, by the way. Somewhere in there it has lyrics that go, "Soul on fire..." See that? You see what happens in Durban when it's this Summer time? Soul's catch a light! Thennnn?! Then volcano's and shit, they erupt and the lava begin's to......No, they don't. We don't have volcano's. Just Table Mountain out in Cape town. You should visit. I'm serious. If you're bored with your cool soul? I recommend Durbs!

Mannnnnnn! It's too HOT to sit, stand, bend, stretch. Yes, yesssssss, I went to dance class and I stood and bent and stretched! But that's different. Those movements have a purpose. Uh-huh! That's it, that's it! To make the Rambler happy! ^_^! This heat? Does this..*_*!

It just thundered! Cindy, and posssssssibly Delon, must be well on their way to a spot under their bed right about now. I can't help but come to that conclusion. Judging from how she reacted to the lightning on our way home from dance? I could very well be right! Poor cuz of mine damn near pee'd in her briefs! Now you know how to scare Cindy! Make it storm.

Question...Do any of you still cover all the mirrors and stuff when it's storming like our parents did when we were young? >_< I don't. I'm just asking 'cause you really don't have to. This is millennium lightning. It doesn't aim at mirrors anymore. It goes straight for appliances now. And then you have to call your insurance. They will send you claim forms and once they see that you have a legitimate claim? They'll insist that you prove that it was lightning, making sure to rule out the weather report as a supporting document! What are we then left with? Staring at a tv that even though we know, that bastard is not ever coming back on...we try, give it some time, try again, give it some time...until we can only bitch and moan about how the insurance company surprised us with a new, secret condition of claim!

Hahahhahahahahhahahhahaha! I shouldn't laugh. -_- Sorry, gran. One guyfawks evening, everybody was out busting crackers, right? My gran's dog was abnormal, to begin with. Dog's are usually cowering in a corner because of the crackers. Neoooooooooh! Granny's dog would run after them and try to bite them. Hey, granny named him Pedro. That could be the reason why he was acting out. We'll never know. Either way? Out of everyone? The lightning decided to strike granny's umbrella! LMAO! Thank goodness for rubber handles! Pedro didn't see, though. He was cracker-chasing at the time. Which, now that I think about it, was a good thing. I'd hate to think what he woulda done, had he seen sparks flying off granny's umbrella.

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You won

Darkened ashes, blow, blow away
Ugly bitterness, lying while you fray
What's winning gonna do?
Can you even look at you?
With that spit, all spoilt and vile
That venom, your typical style
What's winning gonna do?
Can you even look at you?
Lift off, blend in with the air
Furthest, far, far from my stare
Turned beautiful into monstrous
Heavy thumbs, so easy to miss
What's winning gonna do?
Can you even look at you?
Rotten, crumble, crumble, crumble
Spewing your mind, you should mumble
Black paint, dressed in shame
Stinks, that mouth, words you claim
What's winning gonna do?
You won, you're left with you

Stacey Kell
South Africa
2013.11.13
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PASSPORT AFFAIRS

Wellllllllllllllllllll!!!  That was a bust!  Ehhhh, half-a-bust.  Not a breast bust.  Like in things didn’t completely work out according to plan, bust.  At least one of you are sighing about, ”What is she on about now?”

This….

Paige, Cruz and I visit the Home Affairs to apply for passports for her and Damon.  Before I go any further, lemme just say…a visit to the Home Affairs is like voluntarily sticking out your toes while being held captive by someone who has a fetish for removing toenails with a plias. 

So?  Off we go.  Things are going great.  We got there in one piece.  The security let us in with our puppy.  Place was empty.  I’m thinking, “What luck is this?!  Whooooo-hooooo!  At this rate, I wouldn’t mind coming to apply for more passports.  Pity I don’t have any other kids man, dammit!”  At the passport window…#8 to be precise, I look to the right and they’ve stuck this notice on the glass, right.  Hell!  They even laminated it!  This was serious!  Plus…wait for it…………………………….it was typed!

It starts off with, "Before you stand in line for a passport application, make sure you have the following..." 

Translation

"LOOK, YOU TRAVEL-DOCUMENT-APPLICATION-MAKING MUTHA@*#!  DON'T BE WASTING OUR TIME COMING HERE!  JOINING THE DAMN LINE!"

And then with a softened voice, "Without the following..." :-/ 

Call me sensitive.  But I thought that was a teeeeeeeny tiny bit confrontational.  You know what?  There really isnt a need for notices to have attitudes.  It’s unbecoming.  Of-of notices.  To lack, you know, friendly tones.  Especially, since they forgot to list a few requirements.  There I was, with an envelope with my documentation tucked tightly under my arm, staring at the typed, laminated page, trying to figure out if there’s a chance that manners might ever make a comeback! 

I was psyched, nonetheless.  If you’ve ever been to one of our Home Affairs offices, you’d know that being there and realizing that you’re next in line within the first fifteen minutes of walking in?  That’s a lot to be excited about.  Annnnnnd then? 

It was my turn. 

I was polite. 

She was stern. 

I took out my documents, thinking, “She reminds me of someone.” 

She was none-the-wiser about my thoughts while awaiting my documents. 

I hand her the documents, thinking, “Ohhhh yeah!  She looks like that actress who played the dying mother and the children who didn’t really like each other anymore.”

She asked me who it was that was applying for the passport. 

I tell her. 

She ruins my day. 

I am helpless!

You'd think that if a notice can have that much buck?  That along with the ID document and birth certificate and copies of ID document and birth certificate requirements?  They'd include, “bring father and child, (no copies required)” as well. 

So ofcourse, I couldn’t get Damon’s done, but because Paige is eighteen now, she gets to sign for her own application.  Hence the half-a-bust!  At least now, I know what to expect next time I go there.  Last I put my foot in the Home Affairs office was after my divorce when I booked my ticket to the US, without realizing that my passport had expired!  >_<!  Carriage before the horse syndrome.  I’m cured now.  And this time, I can’t afford to make any mistakes.    

Blood IS Thicker than Water

How do you interpret that statement?  Ooooooooo – don’t even make me come there!  The title!  I’m talking ‘bout the title of today’s blog.  My interpretation of it is that family always matters.  Quick, easy, surface assessment.  It goes way deeper than that when you get into the crux of what family actually means.  And there again, everybody has their own opinions, which hey…that’s how it’s meant to be.  We’re meant to have our own opinions.  We have brains.  Our own.  Which means, we own our brains.  Shocker!

The reason I bring this up?  The answer is simple.  We cannot exist alone.  It's unnatural and totally unfulfilling.  We were never created to be loners and I, straight up, don't want to live a life where it’s just me, myself and Irene, my imaginary friend.  See ‘cause when I’m alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the…ooooops.  But LL Cool J was right, when I’m alone in my room, just like him, sometimes I do stare at the wall…or outside, or at my nails, trying to decide whether I should paint them black or not.  It’s staring all the same, and when my conscience calls?  I pick up.  “’’Sup C….”  You know, for Conscience.  Yeahhhh.  Thrilled for the company but anxious about what it’s gonna yell at me about this time!

If there's one thing that I can't stand about myself, it's being as gullible as I am at times.  I came wayyyyyy too close to turning my back on the entire concept of family - the enjoyment, the forgiveness, the acceptance, the regardless love and all the rest that comes with having this very special group of people in my life, which by the way included long-time friends that have come to mean exactly what family does, in exchange for promises that never saw the light of day.  Tsk tsk tsk!  Shame is me!

Worst part is this.  I was doing it just to fit in with and gain the approval of an entirely different set of people with which I had nothing in common with, except for that we need oxygen to breathe.  Even as I sit here, I can hardly recognise the person typing this, when I think about who she was just a few months ago.

But that’s okay though, and do you know why?  Because throughout the centuries, human’s have erred.  If you listen to every single negative thing said to you or about you, let me tell you something.  You will land up scraping your self-esteem off the same floor that you’re lying curled up into a ball on.  Last I checked, I was an erring human too and I know for a fact that that will certainly not be the last error in judgement that I make.  All that matters to me is that I recognize my mistakes and try my damnedest never to repeat them.

Just be who you are because I can tell you with all of the certainty that I can muster up.  Not everyone will accept you, and just the same, not everyone won’t.  It’s a totally different feeling being around anyone with whom you feel that kinda freedom of just, “this is me” as opposed to being around those where you feel the need to be paranoid.  At the end of the day, it gets you nowhere.  When Geese professed to the world just a short time back that our relationship was a reallllllly bad one for him and that he was so relieved for ultimately not making the mistake of marrying the wrong woman because of how totally opposite our personalities are?  I admit, that hurt the eyeballs to read, firstly because I knew he was talking about me and seriously, which one of us honestly wants to be thought of as a wrong anything, despite the situation.  But once I’d realized that he was dead on the money as far as all of it and that we'd inadvertently avoided a disaster?  Peace prevailed, disappointment walked away and contentedness remained.

Far as the actual relationship?  I don’t regret it.  I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have good times.  There are lots of things that I wouldn’t be doing right now, had I not met him and a lot things that my eyes were opened to, by him.  Only, as far as who I was becoming because of it.  That part, I do regret.  Since then, I’ve managed to undo most of the damage I’ve done with regards to my other relationships with friends and family.  Here’s something else that I have an opinion about.  When a friend that you’ve once hurt can understand why you did what you did, forgive you and move forward as if none of it ever happened?  That’s what family means.

And that, aside from it most importantly being my beloved mother’s birthday today, is another reason why I am here talking about the importance of family.    
 
Plus!?!?  Plus!  It's our family reunion in a week!  Whooooooooo-hoooooooooo!

I shudder.

You weren't expecting me to shudder after the whooooooo-hooooooo, were you?  Well?!?  I came to my senses!  With this crazzzzzy family of mine?  Anything is possible.  All one needs to keep in mind is that it sure as hell will be memorable!  That's the part I love the most about being a branch of this particular tree.

Look, every family has their ups and downs, right?  In every family, there’s that one cousin who thirty years ago, decided to twerk!  Yep!  You read it right!  I said twerk.  Granted back then, it mighta been a nameless phenomenon but her description of it?  Was twerking.  My late uncle slapped her sohhh hard!!!!  That in fear and shock, her curlers detached themselves from her hair.  Haaaaaahahahahahahhahaha!  Those things happen in all families.  But guess what?  She remembers that incident to this day yet on the day that my uncle passed, she was there, right along with the rest of us, sitting around him on his bed.  That’s what family means!  Not writing them off one by one until you’re only left with Irene!    

That story, I just heard it today!  And he slapped her that hard because one of HIS friends passed away and he didn't appreciate her having fun in my grans house with her other female cousins.  As I listened, it became clear to me.  The girl wasn't aware that she was meant to be mourning HIS friend’s death.  What was clearer was that they didn't know he was anywhere near the house at the time!  SURPRISSSSSSSSSSE!!!!!!  Poor thing!  That would shock the shit outa my curlers too!

So we spent the day at my mums yesterday, having a meeting about the reunion, looking at old pics, crying with laughter at stories like the one I just told you.  Hey!  I'm not sadistic.  You try picturing someone getting smacked outa their curlers and tell me if you can keep from laughing!  She was like, "I didn't know he was even watching from the window!  I had my panty in my bum, there were only the female cousin’s there, so I was dancing and playing the fool!  Next thing I know, he walks in, slaps me across the table so hard, my rollers went flying outa my hair!  Did I get the shock of my life!  No, you know why?  They all got slapped by him before, it was my first time!"  Lmaoooooo!!!  I musta been a good child, 'cause I never once got slapped by my uncle happy hands.  Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh, but then again, I'm ten years younger than they are.  I was still cute and cuddly when he went on his slapping spree.

The last reunion we had?  Damon was just a year old and someone gave him a sweet that caused him to test the concept of generosity, “If I try to swallow this whole, let’s see if I get another one!”  He might still be given a sweet at this one.  Just...hopefully he won't try to choke on it!  I'd hate to have to jump up and down on his stomach wearing denim and white.  

Back then too, Paige was still daring enough to get on a stage and dance a newly-learnt routine with the rest of her cousins.  You shoulda seen them!  Without a doubt, it'll snow in Durban the next time you see her do that, but I remain hopeful.  You know.  Mothers always do.  I was also still married.  My hair was shorter than some of the men there plus I wore lipstick.  >_<!  I don’t know who the heck that person was.

Just had a thought.  Have you noticed how many times in my life I don’t recognize myself?  Starting to sound like cause for concern…

This reunion?  My life is nowhere near what I just described!  I'm now divorced with hair down my back, opposed to lipstick!  Two teenagers on either side of me.  Older, and yes, wiser.  A lot wiser.  You know what I've learnt and I’m only telling you this out of the goodness of my heart.  It’s important and you should really pay close attention.  I've learnt that one should never not carry flats to a high-heeled event.  You're just asking for trouble.  This smile of mine fades pretty rapidly when I come to find out that the event I've been invited to, is a heel-wearing one!  Aaaaaaaargh!  These feet were made for sneakers and I see absolutely nothing wrong with wearing a nice Chuck with a tailored suit.

Wellllllllllll?
Apparently, there is.
If you're a lady.
Hmmmmmmpf!

Sometimes, vagina's sure do work against you. :-/  SMDH!

Yappy B in the Hiz-House!

My grandson has arrivvvvvvvvvvved! Love love love love!


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Yippppeeeee for Yappy!!!!

So, Paige's birthday's coming up...in November, and she's getting this Yorkie puppy, right!?  As a non-pet-ty kinda mum, I've been trying my utmost to support the fact that soon I will have another little body running around my home.  All I wanna do is name it?!?!  Is that so much to ask?  That in itself is something to write home about!  But she's being seriously uncompromising! Someone reallllllly should have a word with her about that. 

Plus I've come up with some good ones too, like, New Yorkie, Manhattan.  I heart NY.  No!  No, no, that wasn’t one of the names I came up with.  What kinda fool-ass name would that be?  Yappy!  Squeaky!  Even Lil Y!  Hehehe---kinda proud of that one.  That one came to me when she sent me this passage off the internet that described the little pipsqueak as a gangsta-wanna be.  Lil Y, gangsta wanna-be, YO!  Good one, huh? 

:-/  Maybe, she got offended when I told her she's just like a Yorkie.  Was that going too far?  Small, yappy, squeaky and feisty.  I didn't mean it in a bad way but the truth is, when I read that this minute hairball had a thing for challenging big dogs, I immediately saw Paige’s face looking up at me, wagging her Yorkie tail.  Hey!  If you can't tell ya daughter the truth, then who can you be truthful with?!?  Then again…could be a long-time grudge for me not wanting her to get a tiger when she was but a wee yorkie. 

IIIIIIIII dunno...kids of today, you never can tell.  Meanwhile, she's still not budging.  In short, she told me, “Get your own puppy and name it things like Lil Y!”  In those exact words.  That wasn’t enough to stop the progression of my quest.  It just motivated me to plunge further into my dog naming tank.  I came up blank, HA!  But then again?!?!  I was tired last night.  Been writing notes for Damo again.  Exam time, whoooooo-hoooooo!  Not whooooooo-hoooooo!  Booooooo-hooooooo!

That whole Jan van Riebeck, Khoi-Khoi rubbish drains a person.  Who the ?+@# cares about the goings-on of the 17th and 18th century anyway!  Before I reached that mind-numbing part.  By numbing, I mean boring to the core!  My core.  And my core is not to be trusted when it’s bored.  I start thinking about dog names and we can all see how that’s turning out.

Thing is this.  I was okay with them learning about the different diseases like Malaria and Cholera and Population Movement and all of that, 'cause when I wake up one day.  Before my alarm!  Yelling frantically...”IMMMMMMMMMIGRATE! IMMMMMMMMIGRATE?!?”  Many have done it, I’m sure.  The boy needs to know to grab his bonny bags and run right alongside me!  You know? 

But then all of a sudden?!?  Jan van @#!*en Riebeck and Dutch ships that don't even exist anymore?!?!  I mean, is there a Chapter somewhere in History covering the day that my beetle broke down when I was twenty?!?  No!  They were wrecked already centuries ago!  They admitted as much in the highlighted notes!  Crabs have built underwater holiday apartments with those wreckage remains by now!  Actually?  That’s how the entire mess started!    

A wrecked ship!  Mmmm-hm!  The ship was wrecked and then the sailors settled there and took the Khoi Khoi’s stuff, who got pissed off and began stealing their stuff back, IMAGINE THAT!!!!!! 

Then they were all, “What is wrong with you Khoi-Khoi’s! Leave your stuff alone!”  Started building walls and parading all armed to keep them out, then the ‘Company’ released some of their servants and gave them farms.  How very kind of them. 

The Khoi-Khoi were like, “Hell to the na-aaaaah!  Don’t be thinking we’re helping y’all grow things on our things!”  (think they meant land).

Which led to a labour shortage.  That’s when the ‘Company’ was like, “Hey?!?  These damn lazy-ass Khoi-Khoi will not co-operate!”  I wonder why….don’t you?  “Whatever shall we do?!?!  Ahhhhh-ha!  Let’s go to Jakarta and Madagascar and buy some of their people and use them as slaves, here!  As if we even have the right!  Oh well!  Never stopped us before…he-he-he ask the Khoi-Khoi!” 

At this point, a Khoi-Khoi shoulda been eavesdropping, broke the door down, and just for that he-he-he, greeted him with a flying kick.  But that’s just me.  I don’t make History, however hard I wish that I could change it.  ‘Specially this part of it.  And so they did.  And THAT’S how the drama unfolded!  I always knew nothing good could come out of a wrecked ship!    

History means old.  But how old is old?  Is there no cut off time for oldness?  Like an expiry date of oldness?  A stamp that reads, “Best taught before (insert date)”  Just sayyyying…if I’m 41 years old and I learnt all of that at Damon’s age?  Come onn!   

Now that you know why I was tired last night.  Back to the yorkie saga.  I did manage to negotiate for at least one of these to be his second name.  She said she'd think about it.  I demanded an answer by today, failing which I’d have to text her fresh possibilities all day.  She then coolly vowed to leave her phone at home!  O_O!  We were on our way to work, and Wendy was playing Keith Sweat in her car.  Ohhhhhhhh!!!!  The memories! 

A-hem…! 

So, I thought about the puppy some more.  Confused am I!?!?!  As to all of the thought time this puppy is taking up.  Feel like I’ve fallen in love with it or something!  Hold on a sec……shake nod shake nod – don’t look – shake nod shake nod…just…I’m tryna empty my head of that thought.  This would be the first time I’ve fallen in love with a dog…well?!?  If you wanna be technical.  Eh!

The Coloured slang term for a person who keeps challenging others, is a ‘bumper’, is it not?  Coloured’s?!?!  Help me out here.  So, I text her the name, Bumper.  She says, huh?  Clearly, she thought I was kidding about the deadline for the second-name decision.  I say, Bumper Yappy Kell.

She said, no.

I give up. 

To make matters worse, she told me that Lindsie and I ruined it for ourselves with the names we’re coming up with.  Lindsie’s been insisting that she’s gonna call him LD, short for Lord Disick.  So then, I retorted.  Hehehehe!  Yes I did!  I retorted!  How ya like me now?  “Well ima call him Yappy B! “  Short for Yappy Bumper!  This was her response;

Paige: Lmao he won’t know his name!  I will keep you both away (insert some kinda skew-faced emoticon) and that I can do.

Me:  You live in my house!  I will steal him when you sleeping and brainwash him to only respond to Yappy B!

Paige:  Lmao!

I thought, LMAO, meant that she gave in at that point, what with me pulling rank and threatening to brainwash her birthday present?!  I guess, it’s simply a matter of…

You know what thought did….?