Quitting to the T

I’ve survived the 3-day diet!  Whoooooop!  In all honesty, it wasn’t sooooh bad and I do feel a slight difference.  Now if my metabolism would just work with a girl, all will be right with the world.  I did have one incident though!  It came time to have dinner last night and I read “a cup of tuna”  >_<  With one aim in mind?  I quickly looked away, giving the words time to re-arrange themselves on this page that I’d stuck on my refrigerator.  After a few minutes, I then read it again and once I noticed that the words were being as rebellious as my cellulite was?  I was left with no choice.  There was nothing else I could do.  Uhmmmm-mmm!  I switched to make-believe mode!  Works every time!  I pretended it read, “Just kidding, tonight you can have sliced ham.”   And VIOLA!  Soon after I breathed a huge sigh of relief from realizing that even diets have a sense of humour?  It did say it was kidding.  Almost got me there too!  I was wrapping lettuce leaves around pieces of sliced ham just like I pretended the diet told me to!

So as you can see?  I didn’t follow it to the t.  ‘Cause ima rebel.  And rebels prefer their tuna with some chopped chillies and mayo.  I’d done it their way twice in these three days and was not about to compromise a third time and risk being put off tuna for another couple of years.  And?!?!  Why is it “to the t” and not “to the z?”  Some things in life just don’t make sense to me.  Things like this annnnnd the fact that I can’t have a stomach like JLO’s after my two kids.  I was tempted to kick the TV when I saw her new music video.  After twins?!?!?!?  That woulda been bad, ‘cause it was my mums TV.  Not only would I not have been able to dance for however long it took for my foot to heal but then I would’ve had to replace her TV on top of that.  Just…just wasn’t worth it.  And besides?  At the end of it all, I still wouldn’t have her stomach.

Wouldn’t “to the z” portray perfection, better ?  How much more perfect can it get after you’ve done it to a z?  (Please get your mind outa the gutter.  I said it.  Not IT!)   And why?  Because Z means:  The end.  Z means that you’ve reached that point where you’ve gone as far as you can go.  You know?  Well?  Unless there are more letters to the alphabet that are being taught to a selected few who will then take over the world by means of codes using only the “secret” letters?!?!  Huhhhh?  Huhhhh? 

I made you think there, didn’t I?  Right now, in a place far, farrrrrrrrr away?  This could very well be happening and we’re all over here, obliviously going about our business until we turn on the TV one day and all we see are unrecognizable words running across the screen.  Pressing the remote impatiently won’t help us then.  Frowning and pressing the remote impatiently won’t help us either.  I’ll tell you right now what those words would say only because it’s my imagination that’s running wild all over this blog post?  But when it actually happens, I won’t know, because nobody called me to learn extra alphabet letters!  Bastards!   “If you were one of the chosen, you’d have no problem reading this?  But if you’re not?  Sorry…”  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  Things explode.  End of the world!  Except for the handful of people who knew the other letters.  I don’t know how they think they’re gonna survive without farmers and all.  They just blew up the world without a thought of where their next meal is coming from.  

I’ll bet you that Geese could expand what I just said and turn it into a 600-page novel.     

The point I’m trying to make is this.  Look?  You either go all the way to the cliff?  Or you stay at a!  Right?  But to stop at the t?  Sometimes I just wish that people thought long and hard before coming up with these sayings.  This one?!  And no, I’m not sitting here confessing to be the world’s bravest person.  I’ve quit too, many times in my life.  The only difference is that now?  I have someone constantly picking me up, dusting me off and then giving me a good shove to keep moving.  This one encourages you to quit, six alphabet letters from the finish line.  Like, “Don’t worry to reach your full potential!  It’s okay to quit!  Just pass S and you can rest assured that you’ve done your best!”  

That’s like going to work and stopping at the top of the driveway with your boss yelling, “Rambler, are you alright?  Why aren’t you coming down?  It’s after eight already!”  And you’re yelling back, “Because I’m working, to the t, and if I take another step it means…because…see?  Sighhhhh.  Uhmmmmm, ‘cause this space?  From here to therrre?  That would be u, v, w, x, y and then z is once I open the office door.”  He will look confused and mumble at first, “WTF?!?!?  I’ve been paying a crazy person for the last fourteen years.” and then send the driver with a note saying, “You’re fired!  T that!” 

Bless you!  Sorry, Wendy just sneezed.  

Eighteen Candles

One for that sweet little morning smile you'd wake me to
Two for those tight little hugs that always got me through

Three for the moment you stood on your own two feet
Four for the words you'd listen to and then try to repeat

Five for those first very brave steps that you took
Six for the funny times you'd imitate Granny Doreen's look

Seven for the terrible I never found in your two's
Eight for that curly mop you finger-swiped like only you could do

Nine for the new friendships you formed as a little scholar
Ten for the pride that I felt when your teachers called you a star

Eleven for how fascinated you were by your brother's tiny hands
Twelve for those Friday nights at Granny's where Leigh'd make you dance

Thirteen for the breakfasts you'd make me on Mothers Day
Fourteen for those beautiful ornaments you'd made out of clay

Fifteen for the decisions you've made, both right and wrong
Sixteen for finding Gods place in your heart and comfort in song

Seventeen for the rebellious streak that Lindsie helps you let go of
Eighteen for being my baba, for being part of me, for being my first true love

Happy Eighteenth Birthday Randy-Paige!
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Don’t GrOw!!!!

Mannnnnnn!  What a crazy week it’s turned out to be!  I was supposed to give birth on Tuesday.  Eighteen years ago!  However?  It was decided from above that I would feel the excruciating, yet marvelous, epidural free, experience of childbirth, four days later!  Nevermind, three of my family members got evicted from the hospital!  I started getting pains and all of a sudden it turned into a roadtrip.  I remember walking the corridors of that hospital floor for hours.  Walking apparently does something.  >_<  Apparently.  I know for a fact that it doesn’t speed up labour because my pains started at nine at night and I gave birth at three-thirty the next afternoon.  Someone might have been having a bad day and took it out on me.  “I had a bad day, so now you walk, in labour, for hours!” 

As for the evictees?  They were lounging ever so nicely in the waiting room.  Just because the night staff are exhausted and will allow you to?  Doesn't mean that the morning staff won't race you.  Who knows?  They mighta had that look like, "We're alllllllllllllll coming into the delivery room!  That’s how we roll."  And the nursing staff thought, “Ohhhhh yeah, you’re about to roll, alright!”  With this family?  Good or bad?  They do it big!  Or get............chased home!

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that my daughter turns eighteen in two days.  O_O!  Stoppppppp!  Growing!  Can one use that famous, "You live under my roof so you will abide by my rules" line here even if they’ve never used it ‘til now?  Or the more direct route, "Don't grow!  Or else I’ll belt the age off of you!"  I almost fell on my back a few weeks ago.  It woulda hurt too since I was walking at the time.  The higher the back the harder the fall.  (shrug)  Makes sense to me.  See?  The thing is this.  I've never had a son before so I don't know....like I don't know the rate at which things hanging from their bodies grow?  So he's all twelve and all, right?  And I’m up and down from here to there in the house and he was in the bathroom.  I walk pass and I’m like, (wide-eyed frown), "Woahhhhhh!  Woh-hoahhhhhhh???  Wtf!  Who are you and what have you done with my sonnnnnnn?!"   

...And I feel the need to say this again.  I've never had a son before so I'm trial and erroring here.  Plus there's no man in the house either.  Me?  I couldn't contain myself!  "Rannnnnnnnndyl???  Randylllllllllll!  Come see here!  Look how big Damon's willy's gone!!!"  Faiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!  And Damon's smiling all shy, like, "Nooooooooooh Maaaaaah."  Randyl ofcourse came to see but then nonchalantly went back to her room when he hid his goodies!  I know what she was thinking too.  “Remind me never to react that way when I have a son.”  And there I was still trying to insist, "Show her!  Show herrrrrr!"  I can't tell you whether or not he thought that was normal because he too hasn't had a mother before me.  Not that I'm aware of, at least.  He would have mentioned her by now but?  Just now he's gonna wake up with a different voice and then what do I do? 

For a minute there I was thinking, “Where’s my phone!”  To take a picture and send it to my ex with a caption of “Look what you did, you Bastard!”  But thankfully, I had a sliver of sense left and realized that evvvvvvvvven though we’ve long since established that ex’s are to blame for everything?  They just can’t be blamed for some things.  And this is one of them.  Kids grow and there’s just nothing that you can do about it.  Not like they’re bonsai trees or something. 

Guess what?  I've been seriously contemplating the 3-day diet!  I heard that!  And I humbly succumb to the very true fact that I should be a diet guinea-pig?  Sigh....I just haven't found the one that fits yet.  Less work, more loss.  That's the ideal diet for the single working mother!  That's the one I'm searching for!  Actually, I'm looking for the one where no dieting is involved.  You just lose the weight!  A few years back I found it too.  It's called, depression.  Except now?  I don't want the depression part, I just want the weight-loss effects of it.  Nnnnnnnnnnn.... yeah, I know.  It's kind of a package deal, huh? 

Well?  That's why?  One of these tomorrows?  I just might start.  Not-nottttt being depressed.  Focus!  The diet!  I'll be sure to let you guys know when so if I appear to behave tunarish?  You'll know why!  But I won't lie!  It's gonna depress me to be on diet but that's okay.  'Cause it won't be the same as last time.  Seriously, depression is no joke.  Nothings funny when you're depressed!  Depression causes you to cry at jokes.  “That was funnnnnnnny…boooooooooooooohoooooooooooo, sniff sniff!”  And the joke teller is standing there with his/her eyes darting from left to right, looking like, wtfh?  I cursed there, sorry.  So?  If you're bursting out crying at stand-up comedy shows?  It's time for you to see a professional.  If you're bursting out crying because the bar of soap just got finished or just the fact that you had the audacity to wake up that day?  It's time to take your ass to the doctor and let him / her help you heal. 

However!  I refused to take that medication and if you can help it?  You should too!  Stress on the words, iffffffff you can help it!  Depression tablets, at least the ones that were prescribed to me?  Turn you into a numb, can’t-feel-my-lips, zombie but they don't help your psychological state.  And let’s admit it.  You can smoke weed for that!  Uhhhhhhhhhh?  And don't do that either!  You just might enjoy it and we can't have people enjoying the effects of drugs!  We’ve seen plenty horrific ends to that story, now haven’t we?

And now?  I must be on my merry way.  From me?  The Rambler…Happy Thanksgiving to all of you celebrating it today and just remember…..all it takes is two words…”Food ready?”  Hahahahahahaha, jussss kidding.  “Thank you”  That’s all it’s about today!    

M is for the million things she gave me....

I'm dedicating this post to people, just like me.  Mothers.  Then again?  By the end of it?  I might have saluted crocodiles or something.  You just.....never know!  What's important is that you were aware of my initial intention!  ^_^!

Random Trivia?  My nickname as a child was Mother.  Everytime I see Aletta, which is not very often...she still calls me, Mother.  Infact?  She nicknamed her daughter, Mother.  And that's something that's always made me grin!  It's like?  Now wherrrrrre is Pablo Franwhathisname when I need him?  I need the dude’s movie voice for this one.....The legend!  Lives on! Heh-heh-heh!  I have my moments of vanity!  You do too, so you can lower your left eyebrow now!  Thattttttt's it!  I-I can't seem to raise my right eyebrow.  Hold on a second. 

Nope!  I can raise them simultaneously and raise my left one on its own, but the right one?  Once I try, I begin to look as though I have conflicting emotions or a bad reaction to the food I just ate.  But that grin?  'Cause I grinned in that paragraph above this one!  I wouldn't exactly call that vanity.  It's more pride.  How can you not be proud to have someone nicknamed after you?  On purpose!  Normally one is surprised like, "Wowww!  You're nickname is Mother?!?  O_O!  That was mine too!"  But no, this?  This was intentionally done!

O_o!  Uhhhhhhhhhhhh?  Wait?!  But what was wrong with Stacey, though?  Now?  I'm just....confused.  And I'm not even trying to raise my right eyebrow again.  You know, I can't click the fingers on my left hand either.  It's like a dud fire-cracker!  All the evidence of a click is there but not a bit of sound. 

Pride and confusion.  Pridefusion.  Confride!  Huh?  What you say?!  Now you're confused?  Confucius says, that's okay.  You know how I love explaining myself.  Not him, me!  He just said, "That's okay."  Pridefusion...or?!?  Confride, whichever you prefer...looks like this ^_<  Sort of.  Just banish your first impression of my one eye trying to run into the other and go with the impression I’m telling you that you should have.  I'm doing it right now.  Haaahahhaha, I'm lying but I'm trying.  I rhyme at this time.  Ima poet and I know it.  If at first you don't succeed?  Then?  Then...don't try this at home!  O_o!  That was ghastly!  But now you see what happens when you're confrided.   It’s a helluva thing and the blog is the first to get it!

Annnnnnnyway?  What was I saying?  Oh!  My explanation.  ^_<  It's when your one eye shows pride about your nickname being handed down and as soon as your other eye catches on to the reality of the situation?  It becomes immediately perplexed as to why your real name wasn't good enough.  My eyes are now begging the question?  How can you be proud that someone would rather pass on your nickname?  Dammmmmmmn?!  I-I never thought about that before!  For years I was all gleeful but now I'm just....post-gleeful.  Let's see?  -_-  What can post-gleeful be?  I’ll get back to this...............

Lemme just reel in my straying thoughts for a minute.  Reeeeeeeeeel.  Reeeeeeeeeel.  Look?!?  I'm a fisherwoman!  Uhm!  I see clearly why some parents walk around the mall with their kids strapped to a leash.  'Cause they're like my thoughts.  Running wild in every different direction possible.  So now I gotta pull on my mental leash and get down to the reason that I'm here. 

Oh?  Last but not least?  Somewhere in the middle of both?  I'm sorry that I haven't been here in a while.  I meant to make an appearance three days ago but then I got tied up.  In knots and pinched nerves and a chiropractor visit.  That hasn't changed.  Except I'm not going back to the chiropractor (I used back and chiropractor quite cleverly there...) 'cause now I have pain in places that were minding their own business before I paid money to hurt more.

There have been a few times where I felt as though, too much was going on for me to keep my blog alive?  Debbie is one of the main reasons that my blog hasn’t fallen face first into the pit of the dead blogs of the world wide web.  Let's just say she was the kick to the ass that I sometimes needed.  I used to be like, "I cannnnn't!"  And she would be like, "You cannnn!"  And I would be like, "I cannnnn't"  And she would be like, "You cannnnn!"  And I would be like, "I cannnnn't!"  And she would be like, "You will!"  And I would be like, "Okay."

And now comes the bittersweet part, because on Sunday we celebrated my mum's 70th birthday and sadly, Debbie lost hers.  I thought that I’d take a minute to share my one and only experience with her as a way of paying homage to Debbie, another mother, and friend of mine.  I had the pleasure of meeting Aunty Brenda for the first time at Debbie’s granddaughter’s party earlier this year.  Wendy was just saying to me, “Remember how she was busy in the kitchen from the time we got there to the time we left that Debbie even asked her what she was doing.”  Both Wendy and I met her that day but I never imagined that when she said, “Byyyyyyyyye, sister in law?”  I remember giggling when she said that.  I didn’t think for a second, that I’d never see her again.   It’s just a harsh lesson on how unpredictable life actually is.  Death always is.  Something we should all learn from but rarely do.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.  

Friday Rant

I was hoping I'd wake feeling a litttttttttttle less alone today.  A bit heavy for a Friday, huh?   My bad.  On the upside, though?  The reality is that I'm not really alone.  There are billions and billions of people in the world.  Whoooooo-whoooooo!  Company!  My feelings?  The feelings.  They feel.  Too much.  They’re feeling like David Copperfield these past two days.  Delusional.  I mean, ILLusional.  Matter of fact?  If I combine his name and the word, it sounds like delusional.  Or better still, DAllusional.  Ag, same difference.  Illusions make you delusional. 

Question?  Relevant or not, you decide.  Have you ever typed or written a word and then stared at it long enough where it doesn't look familiar anymore?  I do that a lot!  It's not actually fun and there's no point to it so I can't tell you why I do it?  I just do.  Not everything in life has to have a point or be funtastic.  Some things we do, just because we can.  It's amazing, the things that you can do with eyes.  And as you can see?  English and I?  We have a strange and wonderful relationship.  I’m always using it.  Or abusing it.  Bad Rambler, and it?!  Keeps existing.  Like my silent partner.  I woulda thought by now, just from my blog alone, it woulda packed its bags and left. 

But then?  All relationships are strange.  At least they are, to me.  One thing I've always marvelled about was the fact that today someone is a complete stranger to you and then a week later, month later or even a year later?  They're the air that you breathe.  Who came up with that one?  It’s like?  “I love you so much, my darling?  That you’ve now become oxygen!”  Or your arch enemy.  Or your very best friend.  Or someone dictating to you, what you can and can't do.  I do that.  I’m human.  I guess that's what it's all about, this life. 

‘Cause if you flip the coin.  And talking about money?  Okay, wait, I’m coming back to that.  Imagine if every person on this earth didn't speak to each other?  Didn't interact with each other?  Didn’t unstrangerize themselves?  OOOOOOH THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!  Didn't, act, with each other?  YES!  Yes!  She said, act, but meant that other thing!  We’re all of age here.  Adam and Eve would've died and that woulda been the end of it.  Earth, humanless.  But?!  But!  We'd still have baboons, now won't we?  They could rule the earth, I'm sure?  In their special baboon way.  Not like we don't already have baboons ruling things, these days.   I'm thinking of a few right now.  A-HEM! 

Uhhhhhh?  Soooooooh?  How ‘bout them Mets, huh? 

No.

Idea.

And then they'd have conferences with the scientist baboons and the research baboons about how humans became extinct rather rapidly because they refused to speak to each other.  Or act.  All two of them.  I’m imagining a baboon in a suit.  O_o!       

Hey?  Do you know what every man and his dog here in South Africa's talking about right now?  Aside from the US elections?  Our new bank notes!  Mannnnn?  And womannnnnn!?  I just love how our government finds new and idiotic ways to spend their time and our money, unnecessarily!  No, I don't!  Grrrrrrrrrrrr!  It's like the last thing they do at night is lay back and ask themselves, "How do I piss theeee people off?  Let me count the ways!"  For me?  It's just evidence of the level of intelligence.  How far the brain can stretch.  2cms, comes to mind! 

Since, government hospitals are in perfect order, aren't they?  I know I don't wanna slit my own wrists just thinking about having to lay in one of those!  HA!  Sarcasm!  I lean on it way more than I should.  What about education?  How's the textbook situation in Limpopo going?  Do people honestly have to have the threat of incarceration just to do what they should be doing?  Wait!  Waaaaaait!  What about?!  What about crime?  Meanwhile?  The only changes this lot appear to be capable of making?  Is to things that don't impact us or our quality of life.........in the leassssssssssst! I mean?  I haven’t heard a single mouth mumble about, “Those road name changes?  Really made life in South Africa worth living!”  Instead?  It was, “Ay, if you’re lost, you’re lost!  I can’t help you!  Not only because I can’t remember both names annnnnd surnames on the road sign?  But because even if I did?  I can’t pronounce it so, ay...just...ay...try to imagine what it used to be called!”

Look?  Excuses aside.  Theirs!  Not mine.  It's been 18 years?  And d’you wanna know something totally outrageous?  Brace yourself, ‘cause it’s a shocker!  If I didn't do my job, right, after 18 dayssssss?!  I'd be fired!  So what the hell?!  Why do people keep voting for a party that has almost 20 years of this type of track record!  It makes no sense!  I guess the packet of groceries along with a few “Step Up” routines, during election time means more to some than four years of positive changes. 

I rather go and find an unoccupied bush, put some red tape around it and form my own little country!  There's nothing funny about living in a joke!  That's what our beautiful South Africa has been reduced to.  A sick joke!

Movember Awareness

Just saw on TV that it’s grow a moustache month.  I'm all for helping out and supporting things but hell?  I have a vagina?  O_O!  Did I say that????  No!  No!  It was my outspoken alter ego!   It spoke out.  What I was thinking...in!  What's her name again?  Hmmmmmmmm?!  You woulda never guessed but that means I'm thinking.  You didn’t have to swallow that hard too?  That is actually the medical term.  So in my defence, as well as my nameless alter ego’s?  We’re being medically correct! 

While I think, like, ~_~ hmmmmmmmm?  Lemme just declare, without the naughty giggle, ofcourse.  That moustache’s and vagina's do not go together!  Unless there is a margin of confusion, which is always possible.  Or?!?  Downright rebellion.  Against what?  I haven’t the faintest!  But I would advise Hush.  It’s painless.  It’s a cream.  And it removes hair on the upper lip.  Not like waxing.  OUCH!  Or threading.  Ouchhhhhh!  Now?  That would make a female rebellious for good reason!  

Stilllllll thinking.  The name.  For that person that looks and sounds like me but isn’t.  Whyyyy?  Do I get myself into these situations?  Some of us are our own worst enemies, I telya!  You say, vagina once, okay...twice...well?  Three times now and then you have to find a name.   Ha!  But I have an idea!  While I come up with a good name for my other self?  I'm just gonna support men’s prostates via the goodness of my moustacheless heart.  And the hair on my arms.  

SAHARA!  SAHARA!  That's it.  Ummmm...no.  That sounds too deserty.  I had visions of vast sand-blown wastelands and that’s not what an outspoken alter ego should look like.  Not like a place that Scar and his hyenas from the Lion King have just been!  She needs something fresh and fiery like......like?  A little help here peopolllllle?!?!?   Fresh and fiery.  Fresh and fiery...urgh.  Seems the creative side of my brain is hiking somewhere in the mountains.  It’s no shocker that it left me.  I much prefer the indoors.  It’s a good thing too...just shows how much my brain knows me.  We used to be so miserable, camping on Park Rynie...me and the creative side of my brain.  It’s just sent me a telepathic message now to say...”Don’t mention the words camping or Park Rynie, I almost slipped.”  I don’t blame her. 

Her is correct, right?  Heh-heh-heh-heh...double whatever the English term is for “correct, right”  At least the language side of my brain is still with me, else you could be reading, “iugajkd fba.kjdgfi 8augrjhqa be.kanmls odizsgbdfj anf!!!!!!!”  Which I can easily translate for you, too.  It means, “iugajkd fba.kjdgfi 8augrjhqa be.kanmls odizsgbdfj anf!!!!!!!”  Just the ease by which I did that?  Tells me that I belong in the UN as a translator.  Where do they speak gibberish?  It’s never too late to find your calling, you know.

It’s beyond me how I got from moustache growing month to being a translator in the UN.  O_o!  On a serious note, though?  Men’s prostates?  They’re just as important as women’s wombs.  Can I get an Amen!  I said.  Can I get an....Too much?  Okay...if you wanna be like that then I’ll just move along with the facts.  :-/  Therrrrrrrrrrre!  Fore!  This month is dubbed Movember...not my doing.  Check it out.....

“Movember (a portmanteau of the word moustache and "November") is an annual, month-long event involving the growing of moustaches during the month of November to raise awareness of prostate cancer and other male cancer initiatives. The Movember Foundation runs the Movember charity event, housed at Movember.com.^[1] The goal of Movember is to "change the face of men's health."^[2]

By encouraging men ("Mo Bros") to get involved, Movember aims to increase early cancer detection, diagnosis and effective treatments, and ultimately reduce the number of preventable deaths. Besides getting an annual check-up, the Movember Foundation encourages men to be aware of any family history of cancer, and to adopt a more healthy lifestyle.^[3]……………………………….”

I copied that straight off the Movember – Wikipedia.  It’s important, so kind me?  Is going to attach the link for you guys to read it, alright?  Don’t make me come back on here and have to test you, ‘cause I will.  Somehow!  Afterall, I’m a fundi in gibberish...proof that my limits are non-existent!

I have another idea?  Ramble Responsibly to each other about this...you never know?  You just might save a life. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Movember

October, November, Christmas....

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Phew!  Gimme a second to catch my breath...I’ve been sprinting since my last post, trying to get back here and I'm LATE?!  I know!  But what matters is that I'm here, right!?  Right!?  Rigggggght.  NMH!   Hmmmmmmmm?  And now the only thing I'm wondering is?  Who invented the word, nod.  It's such a...short word.  Maybe someone with a short neck?  Long-necked people nod longer, don't they?  I'm sure they do.  That's basic mathematics.  What nods up must nod down.  Unless you've fallen asleep in Parliament.  The laws of Mathematics don't apply in Parliament.  The laws of everything don't apply in Parliament. 

Haaaaaaaaaahahahaha...Look at you!  I see you over there.  Testing this theory!  You're like, "What neck do I have?  Noddddddd....."  And yeah, the person to your left is looking at you crazy 'cause you do come across like you haven’t taken your medication today!  My advice?  Save yourself!  Blame the Rambler.  Point at your phone or your computer and say, "It's her!  She-she made me do it!  With the nods and-and the long necks...!"  Just?  Don't come looking for me if at that point you're committed to a farrr away place with padded walls and straps attached to your bed. 

I'm jussssssst saying that if it were a long-necked person?  The word woulda been, maybe, noddle...or something.  I'm noddling my head.  Noddle if you agree!  Don't just noddle, say something!  Doesn't sound right, huh?  Sounds pretty kindergarten.  It gives the impression that you're head noddles like those ornaments where when you touch the head, it bounces uppppp and down, just cool like?  Like you’re someone, somebody calls dawg, you know....up and dowwwwwwwn as if it's chilling to some Snoop D.O.GG!  Did you guys have one of those?  We did.  Think it was a dog?  As a child, it’s addictive!  It’s like you can’t stop.  You can sit there for hours just...Tap...uppp, down...look around to see if any adult is about to yell at you for touching ornaments...tap...upppp, down. 

Happy November everybodddddy!  Unless you’re reading my blog from heaven or that other hot place?  We've all safely reached the month of!!?  Flabbergastion.  Shhhhhhhhhhh!  Don't ruin it for me.  I haven't made up words in a lonnnnnnnnnnng time and you know how much fun I have doing that!  Evidently, I've taken the liberty of giving November a nickname because it’s alwayyyyys such a surprise when we’re nearing Christmas?  Why?  December, on the whole, comes after November?  But when we get to the first week of Flabbergastion?  I hear more than one human remark, like this  "O_O!  Gasppppp!  Christmas is next month! O_O!"  Have you seen that look recently? 

Looks just like a lotta people who suddenly realized they only have a month to paint their entire house and buy new curtains!  And maybe that tumble dryer they always wanted.  Not sure if that's just a Coloured thing or if all the colours of people do it?  But people always wait to do big things when Christmas time comes.  Take it from me?  Father Christmas won't bypass your house if it's not smelling of drying paint.  I leave milk and cookies out for him every year and... consume them myself.  Don’t tell.  So there's proof that even without the new coat of paint?  He still brings Damon his gift!    

Saturday was Damon's dance show!  The kids were truly amazing!  I have to admit though?  It did feel kinda strange to be in the audience this time since normally I'm right there on the stage in the same show.  Heart pounding and knees rattling to a standstill.  It’s damn hard to stand still with your knees rattling, believe you, me!  I was just saying that I must have chronic shyness 'cause even if my family asks me to show them a routine, I start sweatin' bullets.  Can you picture someone sweating actual bullets?!?  Be like, ting ting ting ting ting.  People slipping and sliding on metal and shit.  Others scrambling for free bullets. 

That can't be normal?  Just me, but the people you're most comfortable with?  Should be your family!  If there's any group of people you should absolutely not care about looking idiotic in front of, it’s them!  Unless you have those that record your most embarrassing moments for when you’re accepting very prestigious awards and then suddenly a screen drops behind you and someone clicks play....Some of them have changed your diapers at some point in your life?!?  And I'm hoping that hasn't been any time in the near past 'cause that would just be....?  Uhm-hmmm!  You know what?  I realize now that this was why when I took ballet as a kid, I made sure never to do exams.  I was MIA come every single exam!  Ay.  You're up there alone?  With a stranger watching you!  Strangers shouldn’t watch you.  Judging you!  Grading you!  Writing things on a sheet with your name on? 

But if I didn't have the pics of me dancing on stage in front of people?  And really?  There mighta been a few cats in the audience too, I-I wouldn't know!  The truth is, if you suffer from shyness?  It’s the longest minute and a half of your life.  Yet you agreed to do it.  Makes no sense.  Why did I agree to do it?  I make no sense.  I always picture myself tripping and then doing a forward roll and laying there posing, like I’m s’posed to.  ‘Til the dance routine is over.  Hasn’t happened yet and thank goodness, it won’t happen ever, since I’ve now hung up my dance show shoes....I said show.  Not class.