Windy Expressions

Today is today!!!

And see? You think someone's done something to realllllly piss me off, don't you? On the contrary, I'm giggling because I'm reflecting on how funny that statement truly is. Unless you've been home-schooled in a rainy desert? You know that its most common use is to start off a rant, right?! Think about it. You're all riled up. Fisting your hands. Cracking your fillings from grinding your teeth then getting even more angry once you realize that your medical aid for the current year has run out. Trying to show your anger and conviction where? Alllll you're doing is stating the obvious! And the obvious is, today IS today! For today by any other name will not be tomorrow.

Let's follow the little tweeting bird and see where it leads us...ahhhhhhhhhhh! Right to Scenario's house! I was just saying to myself, "It's been a while since I saw her!" I must have said it loud, to myself. Even birds heard me! Awwwww and look?

It's Scenario's first born...shhhhhh, she's trying to tell us something.
If you open with, "ToDay, is todaY! I'm putting my foot DowN!" Coupled with a snarling set of freshly flared nostrils? Ay, you're just leaving the door wide open for a witty, cool, comeback..."But? You're standing? Which means your foot IS dow..." If you are the wrong-doer? You're not going to be able to finish your sentence because frustration and possible flying crockery could follow...your head, soaring through mid-air to the tune of, "YouuuuuuW-a!!" Caps are for emphasis! And the "a" at the end is an absolute given! It shows that the angered party is at a total loss for words and they're about to drive to the police station to pay a grievous bodily harm fine in advance! Even as we imagine this, you gotta say it right, emphasize every capital letters or else you lose the intention. The result of THIS option, is a higher chance of violent outburst, by you, due to unwelcomed wit. And a rise in expenses from having to replace the crockery.

Hmmmmmmpf! Its as if we came here to visit Scenario's kids, 'cause now the second one is trying to talk.....
Now? Another no-no is ranting in small letters! 'Cause then you just sound high. "...today is today i'm putting my foot down..." You don't want that because the offender might think that you've been smoking something and give you this shrugged shouldered response, "...okay." Plus, your body gets all confused wondering, "wtf? why do I feel my temperature rising yet I have this strong urge to smile pleasantly??? What have I been smoking?" What's worst is that the all-weekend funeral attendee might still be under the impression that there's room for, "Starving! Did you cook?" To which you would calmly and ineffectively say, "i'm gonna cook your ass." More shoulder shrugging. The result of THIS option, is a possible surprise visit to rehab, for you, due to a far tooooooo laid back approach to anger. And your body convulsing in confusion.

I've told Scenario 1 and 2 to go to their room.....! I'm taking over the conversation.
It would grab someone's attention more if you just got straight into it like this, "ToDay! I'm gonna IRON your cloTHing!" First reaction? Frown and look around. And only because they know they should be in trouble for coming home at 2.18am on Sunday morning from a funeral that was held on Friday! When they see nobody behind or to the side of them? They'll start smiling and tilting their head to the left, gazing at you with heart-shaped eyes, thinking about how blessed they are to have such a forgiving and understanding partner like you and THEN? Once you see that adoring gaze? You immediately finish your sentence with, "While you're wearing them!!!!" If you EVER wanted to know what a blackboard duster felt like? This would be your chance because in that moment? You ARE the duster! I hope you don't get sinus. And their smile? Is the chalk that WAS on the blackboard! Gonnnnnnnne!

Let me just state, categorically ofcourse! Always wanted to say that! I have alwayyyys wanted to state something categorically and I never got the chance before now. You know you're good when you create your own opportunities! I am in no way encouraging violence or the incorrect way of ironing. Because I stand for peace. World peace. Like a beauty pageant contestant who uses those two words to answer any and every question they're asked!

"What is your biggest aspiration?"
"World peace!" Smillllllllle!

"What was your major in college?"
Grin, "World peace!"

"What is it about fashion that you love the most?"
Gulp! Nervous twitch, "W-world peace?" (But thinking...'World peace your moTHer, when I get that damn pageant trainer, I'm gonna fold him up like a pretZeL! He didn't prepare me for deep questions like THis!!')

So nope, I'm not promoting violence at all. Makes me wanna puke just thinking about the sound that it makes when someone's being punched. And that's the God's honest truth! I'm just merely teaching you how to express yourself WITH WORDS so that you get the desired result. Which is not the infliction of pain. It's peace in the world! As well as within yourself! 'Cause if you keep all that anger in? It will give you wind. For real! You know? It makes me feel self-conscious when you look at me all empty-eyed and blinking! For reallllllll!?!

Okayyy, okay! I admit that I haven't actually SEEN documented proof of that yet but look? I figure. And this is just my personal take on it. I figure that swallowing your words, is the same as chewing your bubblegum. Even someone else's. It makes your brain think that you're eating and then your brain fills your stomach with non-existent food. Uhhhh, is...is your stomach hurting right now? No? Oh...oh, you're just laughing at me! My facial expression remains unchanged as I give you a minute to compose yourself ............................................................, 60 dots equals one minute! Okay, continuing...!

And non existent food is actually just oxygen. And oxygen is air. And wind is just angry air! Do you see the connection? Angry. Air. Wind? I have now, documented the proof! With logic and an unchanged facial expression!

Not to worry. You'll get it once you stop holding your stomach and stand up straight...and change your facial expression!

My work here is done!
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An Uneducated Decision!

Just sitting here…thinking.  Oh!  I see you!  Covering your face like, “I can’t watch!  She’s over there thinking AGAIN!”  HARDY-HAH-HA!  Come-on now, you know my thoughts, enlighten, brighten and ensighten!  Hahahahahaha, even I had to laugh at that one. 

The sight that almost nudged me right off my chair today is the fact that our president is in the midst of purchasing a 300-seater 777 Boeing aircraft.  Holllllllllllllld it!  That would not be correct!  We are in the midst of purchasing a 300-seater 777 Boeing aircraft for our president.  Awwwwwww.  Just!  Awwwwwwwwwwwwww man!  What generous citizens we are!  Some of us don’t have clean water or food, but look at that?!?!  The sacrifices we make for those who make the rules.  It’s just so stirring to the emotions.  I’m just so emotional.  I don’t know about you, but my emotions are so stirred right now, I feel like I’m mixing chilli in my guts!  Yeahhhhhhhhh!  Notttttt such a good thing!

Let us hold hands and bow our heads in shame.  And while you’re assuming the position?  It would be a good idea to pray, shamefully, for your salvation since you have money to buy the president an aircraft after you just told your children that you may not have funds to send them to college.  Okaaaaay!  Shameful prayers out of the way….Now?  Let us sit in a circle, stand if you like…but really?  I would be kneeling if I were you!  Let us try to unravel and work through the many layers of “&?!$@ #&?!$ @#&? !$@#& ?!$@#!!!” that most of us are feeling.  Cursing is very effective but realize that it is only a short term measure of relief.  It’s not gonna change the fact that you’re buying the president a R2bn means of transportation yet you can barely afford petrol for your own vehicle.  Me?  I’m going to stop people from calling me by my birth name today.  I shall beg…”Call me, Shame!  I deserve it.  I limit tuck money to once a week for my kids and now look?  I suddenly have the funds to buy an airplane for somebody I have never met.”  

As we plod along the path of whythebloodyhellwouldhedothis?  We now reach the point of trying to make sense of things.  Can you see the blinking sign?  It says, “Trying to make sense of things!”  At least we’re not lost.  

Would that be a necessary purchase?  On a scale of one to…oooooh, I dunno?  Limits appear non-existent.  Just on a scale!!!?  It doesn’t even have to work.  On a broken scale!  How necessary is this purchase?  Why try so hard to give off that you care for your people when all you really care about is comfort and a seat for each of your wives and children on a family outing?  Us that are buying the plane, have to sit on laps and avoid the police at all costs!  Bent necks, bodies wound up tighter than a pigs tail!  “The police!  Duck!”  Others, (cause we’re all in this boiling pot of chilli together), others that are buying the plane, have to carry children on their backs, while they try to balance a bucket of water from that dirty river five kilometers down the road.  Is it that important to park a 300-seater aircraft in your garage when you know that half the nation is out of work, starving and unable to learn in school!  I mean?  There is a police station in Port Shepstone?  The police are working out of their cars as we speak because the government “forgot” to renew the lease of agreement for the building they’re using.  Whaaaaaaaaaat????????

My dad was mad as shit this morning.  “That’s why there’s so much depression in this country!  You turn on the news, badddd!  Read the paper, baddddd!  News is just baddddddd!  Everywhere you turn, someone is doing something, badddddd!”  

Someboddddddy please explainnnnnn!!!!!!!  I’m dying of curiosity here.  And I’m not even a cat!  Do the powers that be watch the news?  They do?  Have you actually, physically seen them watch the news?  Then let’s not assume until we know for sure.  This morning’s news told us that one of the schools, in Limpopo I believe, just received two measly boxes of workbooks.  Meanwhile?  It’s almost July.  The students finished write mid-year exams.

On what?  Ay, your guess is as good as mine.  Maybe P.E.  You don’t need books to study Physical Education.  You just run and…stretch.  Or play soccer.  All that matters is that you’re being physical!  Your report will read; 

A-Ran well! 

A-Kicked ball! 

A-Walked…back to class. 

PASS!

There are 1,300 students at that school.  Two boxes.  Normal boxes.  Nothing gigantic about the boxes I saw.  They looked a little higher in size than the one’s I keep my black knee high boots in.  And I have to fold those!  When I say normal boxes, I mean regular boxes.  You wouldn’t even use those sized boxes when you’re moving house.  You won’t even fit one comforter in the box!  1,300 students.  300-seater aircraft.  R2bn.  I’m either very perceptive or totally off track when I say…there’s a tiny margin of imbalance here. 

Do you see it? 

And this link here?  Will show you how it’s deemed to be so “unfortunate” that the kids didn’t receive textbooks for the first six months of the year!

http://www.timeslive.co.za/politics/2012/06/28/anc-says-textbook-situation-unfortunate-report

   

I can think of sohhhhh many other, ‘unfortunate’ things right about now!

Scientific Fact? Or Thought?

This can’t be right!  I’ve just read that your eyes stay the same size as at birth but your nose and ears keep growing.  My first reaction was, “Even Mr. Bean?”  Have you seen the size of Mr. Beans eyes?  Visualize with me.  Please?  As scary as that might be!  I really can’t handle this vision on my own.  See in your mind's eye as I see in mine…those sized eyes on a little baby’s face?  Are you seeing too, the fact that peek-a-boo must have been a verrrrrrrry different game in that household!?  Sheeeeeeesh! 

I have a teeeeeeeeeny tiny request.  In the name of science.  For real.  For science.  Not my personal amusement.  I’m not even snickering.  Heh-heh-heh!  If someone has a newborn baby, please could you just….measure their eyes for me.  And then be so kind as to record it.  Even annually, is okay.  I don’t want it to become a menial task, like, “So tired of this routine.  I have to cook, clean, measure his eyes, do homework, make sure he gets to sleep on time.  Everrrry night is the same thing!”  I wouldn’t do that to you.  Once a year will be more than enough.  Continue until your baby is twenty one years old.  I, for one, need to know whether there is any truth in this statement.  We can’t believe everything we see.  Only Mr. Bean can.  ‘Cause…he has width in his vision.  He gets to see the bigger picture!  From birth, apparently!

It’s a glorious day out and I’m stuck in here with sore gums.  As you can imagine, it’s causing rather contrasting feelings.  Deeeeep within me.  If you were my large intestines, you would be able to feel my feelings.  Being a Libra, I’m very uncomfortable with having to feel two things at once, and then forced to decide which one I’m going to go with.  Decisions are not entertaining for Librans.  It makes us feel like we have a choice to make.

Like right now, I have my scale out.  Weighing the fact that I’m happy to see the sun.  I’m like, wavvvve, “Hey, sun!  Happy to see you!”  We’ve made our peace since the whole melting chocolate saga but my gums?  Babies are soooh fortunate.  They get their gums massaged and teejel and all of that.  Unless they get E.Coli from their parents not washing their hands first.  Then they’re not so fortunate.  But me?  I have to make a decision between happiness and pain.    

I did this to myself but.  I’m to blame one hundred percent.  I thought I was clever and now?  I’m paying through my gums for it!   Hey, do you remember that sarcastic joke?  Hmmmmmm?  I don’t really know if it can be termed a joke or a sarcastic ?  A sarcastic?  Woahhhhh!  I just went completely blank……………………………………………………….

Sohhhhhh?  This is what a clean page feels like?  Just, empty and white.  In my case, just, empty and Coloured!  If I had to introduce myself right now, it would not be at all flattering, “Hi, I’m Stacey.  I’m an empty Coloured with aching gums!”

When we were kids, we couldn’t wait for someone to say they thought something and the result of that thought was just a complete mess!  The first thing out of our mouths was,  “You know what thought did?  He planted a feather and thought a chicken would grow!”   Yesterday?  She bought murku and thought her gums wouldn’t hurt!

Ouch… 

Never too Busy...

Sorry I'm late. I'm normally the most punctual person in the room. But the world, keeps getting in the way. That's a song by Neyo! Talks about how he and his love can't seem to get together because something or the other keeps cropping up. Poor things.

Life does get hectic sometimes, doesn't it? Even when you're doing nothing? You're doing something. It's for that exact reason that you get yelled at by your wife for laying on the couch and doing nothing. It's because you're doing something you shouldn't be doing when the gutters around the house still need to be repaired! Awww, don't mention it. I'm always happy to help clear up confusion by sharing my views on why things you've always wondered about, happen.

But on a serious note, it never should get sohhhhh busy where it results in neglecting the people that you love. Dependent on who they are or who they are not? You might quickly turn around and find nobody there. Nothing but oxygen and furniture! Honestly? I didn't know what I would write about today, and this was the last thing I didn't know it would be. But it came to mind, and now I've simply let it flow freely out of the rivers of my thoughts....into yours.

I can bet that more than a few of you are checking yourselves right now. "Am I being a neglective partner ?" (OH! Come-onnnnnn! It's a worrrrrrd! This dictionary knows nothing! Neglective describes a person who neglects. I'm only explaining myself in brackets like this because as I'm typing, the word 'neglective' has that red squiggly underlining!) To hell with it, I'm adding it to my dictionary. Some things just don't deserve the red squiggly lines! That's like a big fat red cross on your test page! Which some of us deserve and some of us like, neglective, don't. You know what? I'm sure if we look hard enough, someone in South Africa's name actually IS, Neglective!

And you there…you're quite nervous right now, aren't you? "*&^% !! Is this a couch I'm lying on? Damn Rambler! She doesn't know when to keep her fingers shut!" Hehehe, nohhhhhhhh! I do not!

It's like I have x-ray vision today. The scene's are just coming at me…like I'm watching an episode of "Guilty!" It's a new series. Future new! Not yet aired or thought of, new. But I know it will be because my vision is that deep. I can see what you're thinking tomorrow. But right now, I see some of you sweating bullets, feverishly looking around, with just your eyes…thank goodness, I'd be feeling left out if you could see with anything else, but you're shifting them…from left to right, up and down (why? I really can't tell you unless your significant other is sitting on your head or hanging from the ceiling), holding your position so that the couch doesn't squeak…just because you're trying to hear whether hers or his footsteps are still somewhere in the house. Relax. Reeelax! Okay, on second thought? Get up and go and do a quick head count in the house! Pets and all! Quick! Even food! They might have taken the food with them and just left you with a tin of tuna! Oh, and act natural! Wide eyed, bewildered looks are gonna give you away!

.............................................Everybody still there? Okay, fantastic! That means that you're doing what you're meant to be doing. Prioritizing! And making sure that the people who hold your heart, know that they do! For those of you who are hugging a tin of tuna right now? Neyo and company? You'll never take a loaf of bread for granted again, will you?

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Reality Confuses Me…

A huge birthday wish to Leigh who celebrates her twenty-second birthday today!  That’s my niece, by the way.  I’m only wishing her here on my blog because she is an avid follower of Rambling At Random.  If she wasn’t, I woulda just sent her a bbm and left it at that.  Just words, just happy birthday, no smiley faces or nothing.  Haaaaaaahahahaha!  Just kidding, I wouldn’t have even sent her a bbm!  LMAO!!!  I’m joking…..just joking!!!  She told me this morning that I should grow old gracefully and embrace my hips.  I shall leave the embracing of my hips to Geese!  His arms are long!  But what I will do!  Is check back with her in eighteen years to see whether she has maintained her optimistic stance on ageing body parts.  Those that have drooped, expanded or shrunk into non-existence!  “Where did my breasts go!”  It happens to the best of us.  “They fell into your midsection and distributed themselves evenly around your waistline!” 

Thankfully we have photoshop!  And doctors to correct those very slight imperfections now!  But, urrrgh, they want money to do it.  Always a catch.  Nothing can just happen without there being an ulterior motive!  It’s like, gone are the days when doctors, I mean, people help people without wanting something in return.  The seven years they studied doesn’t over-ride a giving heart.  Does it?  Gimme a second….Mm-HMM!  Okay, I did a quick survey, in my mind, and the yes:no ratio was 87,79:12,21 so, yes it does, and it should, because shame, they do have to deal with crying and blood and ewwwww!  I wouldn’t give shit away for free if I had to deal with ewwwww on a daily basis! 

But the point I was trying to make?  You have to forgive me.  Please?  You should have forgiven me in advance by my second post ‘cause I sometimes get sidetracked on my way to my point.  I have now reached it, in one piece.  That’s if all the doctors aren’t on their way to ewwwww me up!  Lemme be quick, just in case!  Butasifthereisn’tenoughdivideinsociety….nnnnnnnnnnnnnn!  They can’t do it.  My fingers are getting breathless because they’re trying to hurry…just in case.  I reassured them.  “Just go at your own pace.  If we’re gonna be hurt for the truth then at least we went down fighting, you know?”  They understood where I was coming from, hence the spaces between the words now.

But as if there isn’t enough divide in society?  Now we get to dissect the rich from the poor.  You’re saying that that has always existed.  I hear you.  I have ears.  And I agree!  But?!  It goes deeper than that because now we get to subdivide it even further!  We’re talking about rich people whose breasts fell into their waistline and poor people whose breasts fell into their waistline!  Ofcourse, for the rich, that is never a problem.  They can get new ones and just get the old, misplaced one’s cut out and tossed aside!  On that silver thing that the doctors toss our organs onto when they take them out.  But for the poor to average person?  They’ll never see their breasts again.  Unless Robin Hood is reading my blog!

It’s amazing though, whenever I have come across Dr. 90210 on TV?  Every Tom, Dick and Sally is having something done.  Does he do it for free?  Does he have affordable rates, or?  Is it cut me, cut my sister for free?  I seriously want to know because people are just going for it and I don’t know how they are affording it!  That frustrates me.  Because it sends me the wrong message.  It tells me that the woman on the street can walk into Dr. 90210’s offices and have him draw circles on her ass and stomach and love handles with a permanent marker, and then come out the next day all bruised and looking like WherethehellhaveIbeen-ish!  If it’s going to be called, reality tv, then let’s be real….you all know that one has to take out another mortgage just to pay for a bridge to be inserted between your teeth, these days?  Reshaping your body?!!!  That’s gotta hurt…your pocket!  But these people are delighted, after the surgery.  Black, blue and swollen to the ninety-nines!  And just….thrilled to be!  

None of them seem as if they just paid thousands and thousands and thousands and 99 cents, for surgery?  I’m confused.  O_o!  

Chocolate Chip Rubble

Ay! O_o! The chocolate chip cookies?! Just to be clear in my intentions? I do recall saying that I'm gonna tryyyyyyyyyyyyy to make cookies, right? So okay, now that we're all on the same page! When you say try, it leaves the door widddde open for either being successful or never baking again in your life! Jussssss thought I'd lay that solid foundation of justification before I tell you what's going on in my oven right now. I'm sitting, facing towards my kitchen window in an attempt to not even make eye contact with the epic failure that are my cookies! Or should I say, the cookie! All my blobs of mixture? Have now combined to form one giant square cookie! I'm kinda thinking that cookie might be overstating whatever that thing is. It looks like a...thin cake! A cake that hasn't done what it's supposed to do! And I've now knifed it and it's not even hard! O_O!

But in my defense? And I have one...just gimme a few minutes....hummmmmmm? It's coming to me! Very slowwwwwly! Feels like it's gonna be a grand defense too! Visions of grandeur, like my cookies were meant to be! Ooh-ooh-ooh! Got it! I'm a regional administrator! And they don't bake for a living. They calculate things!

Yessssss! Yes! I'm blogging while baking, I'm blaking! Badly! So by the time you read this, it would seem as if I'm blaking at 9pm or something but, no. This is my future post about my past failure!

So the first batch? Got a bit possessive! Like fatal attraction. Point blank refussssed to release its grip on the tray! Tyler was like, "Let's give it two minutes to get over itself!". Haaaaaaahahhahaaha! We did that! IT, didn't! Took me back in time, to the old flat! When we were removing the marley tiles before we installed ceramic tiles. So picture that square, flat metal thing, being dug under the marley tiles to lift them! That's how we got the first batch out! Sadly? The second batch too! Except the marley tiles didn't crumb into a million different little pieces and waste an entire slab of whole nut chocolate! That's the actual crime in all of this! Now? Picture the rubble after a natural disaster! That's what my chocolate chip cookies looked like! They really should be ashamed of themselves!

I named this batch. A failure of such paramount proportions deserves to have a name! Paramount things always have a name. I know that from hurricanes! And I'm giving like that, so I gave it a name! Randyl came into the kitchen and asked, "What is this?!?" Lindsie was bent over laughing! I said, "That?! Is 'After the Earthquake'!" So, if anyone is planning a themed party to that effect? I'm your girl for the cookies! I loved the way Tyler forced the rubble down Randyl and Lindsie's throats! That was just genius! She was like, "Your'll wanted the cookies! Now eat this! Have some water! There you go! Now eat some more!"
If anyone needs a "Force bad baking results down people's throats", Tyler's your girl for that! So, if anyone is planning a themed party to THAT effect? Tyler Tyler Tyler!

The third and last batch! I just took everydamnthing that was left in the bowl? And emptied it into the tray and let it do whatever it wanted! Some of it baked, some of it didn't, I didn't care anymore. Wasn't listening to me anyway! You can only talk to cookie mixture so many times before you give up! Whether or not it chooses to use what you've taught it when it's out there in the oven? That's on IT! You can only trust thereafter, that you did enough!

MannnnnN, I pictured this ending so, sohhhhh differently! I had such high hopes! It was the recipe's fault! It said if I followed instructions, I'd end up eating what was in the picture! And I believed it! Like a gullible fool! Okay, it said put a teaspoon of mixture, not a heaped half a tablespoon, but still! I followed the measurements in the mixture to the T! Least I wasn't like Randyl, who, if the recipe calls for three eggs and she only has one, she's like (Shrugs shoulders), "Hey! One's good enough!"
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Destination? Chocolate!

I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Lemme tell you? I do NOT wanna set eyes on another chicken! Or its offspring for a long, lonnnnnnnnnnnng time to come! I've consumed entire generations of the feathered creatures over these past two weeks! The food chain? Not the same anymore! Enough is enough! No fish! No carrots! Nnnnnnnnnn, maybe carrots. No coffee! And certainly not, boiled spinach! I've been governed by a tabled menu and a list of do's and do not's for thirteen very long, sugar-free days, but no more! Nobody governs me! I have rights! I'm a person! I have feelings! And sugary needs! Dammmit! I'm also flying off on an unnecessary tangent. For no reason! That's why I said....unnecessary! It means, for nohhhh apparent reason!

But I feel very strongly that it IS apparent! I'm sick of chicken and eggs! What came first? The chicken or the egg? In my case, it was the chicken! 'Cause I had it for dinner on Day 1 and I had eggs for dinner on Day 13! And in all honesty, I think God made the Chicken first, to lay the egg and show us how chickens work! Else he would have made a womb that just floated around for nine months and then burst, without warning, 'cause there would nobody AROUND it to scream from contractions? And a baby would have simply fallen out that grew up to be Eve! Logic prevails! I have now quickly and easily solved the chicken or the egg saga that's been plaguing generation after generation after generation!

And my explanation for the whole unnecessary thing wasn't another lesson. I make a note to take the weekends off from those. It was merely a way for you to see that I have a firm grip on the language of which I speak! Shakespeare is the one who didn't know what he was talking about! Not me! Who says, "Where For Art Thou?" Someone who's trying to make your English class a living hell, that's who! "Where are you?" There! Now, who would YOU rather have as the author of the book that you're studying in English class? Me or Shakespeare? He wrote Confusenglish! There's a huggggge difference so don't choose him. You're just gonna hurt my feelings and when my feelings are hurt, I react. With sadness. And cry. And just as a closing to my argument, and as an anchor to get you to choose me? I've never once said to my boss, "Why cometh you into mine office whilst I attempteth to completeth this here task!" Know what I mean?

I know too, that you're dying to hear how things have gone with my reward today? I'm still mad at the sun. I had big plans and it stood me up, ONCE A-GAIN!! This whole situation has urged me to pass on some good advice! Don't ever date the sun because I can tell you right now! Unnnnnn-re-liable! You will find yourself in a very dark place. Feeling cold! Without melted chocolate! I was tempted to put the slab in the microwave but the foil wrapping would have made it start lightning in there! Weather was bad enough as it is, I didn't need it to start storming inside too. All I was trying to do was enjoy my chocolate the way I wanted to. Not be less one very vital appliance! So, I ate six fully formed pieces, and was like, "Uuuuuurgh! Sun! You're just a reward ruiner! Never will I sing your praises again!!" I will but shhhhhhh, I don't want it to hear that. Guilt is a deserving punishment for right now!

Too all of you, who've journeyed on my diet bus with me! Thank you very much for not hurling rotten tomatoes at me from boredom of my diet stories! And to Debbie and everyone else who've decided to do this diet, my faithful reader Debbie! Good luck to you as you venture down the same path I just did! Promise you this! You shall emerge...the thinner, person!
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Sweet Revenge

The sun has deserted me.  It’s one of my favourite things in the world and it has chosen not to show up on the last day of my diet!  Shame on it!  Brings back bad memories of the night I got Baptised.  

But fine.  Finnnnne, I’ll take my victorious steps out of the dark, dieting tunnel, on my own.  Thank you very much, you big yellow ball, you!  Don’t be showing up when I’m eating my chocolate like, “Ahh please gimme some, God said share?”  because I shan’t!  I shall turn by back towards you while I keep the wrapper strategically attached to my mouth!  And I will do it thinner.  Not like a twig, thin.  Just the way I wanted, thin! 

Guess what my last meal will be tonight? 

Nope!......................Huh-uh!...........SMH!  Okay, you’re not trying very hard, are you?  And you shouldn’t even need to.  You could’ve cheated and looked at my blog titled, Dietary Requirements and just pretended to be a good guesser!  Must I teach you guys evvverything?  Short cuts on a Friday!  Short.  Cuts.  On.  A.  Friday …there you go, Lesson No. 1!.......O_o……..

What is it?  You’re looking at me like you’re expecting more?  I expected more from the sun today too!  The hothead had better places to shine!  So now!?  We can either be disappointed that our expectations were unfulfilled?  Orrrrrrr we can all laugh at Wendy and Linds who still have a day of dieting to go! 

Shit!?  I never said that. 

I did, but I didn’t mean it. 

Okay, I did.  But I didn’t mean it in a coy, nasty kinda way.  Since we have been pillars of strength for each other throughout this diet, I meant it in a family love and support way.  Like, “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!”  See?  Couldn’t you just feel the love and support oozing out of those h’s and a’s?  I’m warmer already.  Love does that to you, you know! 

And Linds?  This is your mums fault because she hurt my feelings, together with my tastebuds, when I had spinach for lunch that first day and she told me she was going to have cake.  My hair follicles tightened in envy!  I ached!  The threads of my hair ached from being choked like that…for a few minutes before I willed my body to sleep.  And why?  Because I wanted cake.  Plus I was under the impression that we were suffering together up that point!  

But it opened my eyes, I telya!  Actually, it closed them ‘cause it forced me to sleep.  Closed my eyes to the fact that I shall have my revenge…and tomorrow?  Revenge shall be verrrrrrrrrry sweet, indeed!  

Wouldn’t it be funny though?  If I forgot my chocolate here in my drawer?  Having alllll of this mouth?  Only to find that the only thing I have to eat are my words?  I’ll belt my damself!  For real!

Directionally Challenged

Second to last day of the diet!  I've already bought my reward.  That's what you call, being proactive!  It’s sitting, petrified, in my desk drawer as we speak.  As you read what I've typed, I mean.  My head's stuck in clouds of cocoa while my feet dangle in a river of flowing chocolate right now.  It knowwwwwws.  HA!  My reward knows that soon it's going to be melted and have the life sucked out of it.  Better than being chewed into non-existence, don't you think?  And that's its job anyway, so I don't feel an ounce of guilt.   It gets paid to pose on a shelf, look delicious, be admired, hungered for and drooled over?  Until it's picked up, felt up, gently unwrapped and then....(insert own chocolate eating session ending here)!  I could think of worst jobs!  It's like a lingerie model with no feelings!  Or face.  Or breasts.  Or anything that I have!  All it is, is a Cashew and Coconut Cadbury Chocolate Slab!  And in two days, it's going to be a Cashew and Coconut Cadbury Choclate Slab that...was!  Like that kiddies story book!  The little something that was.  Can't remember now.  I know it was something that kids like and it moves.  Train or................................................................no? 

The Little Engine that Could!  Oooooooh man!  I was wayyyy off on that one.  :-{  Ay!  At least you know, I'm honest.  I’m looking at the backspace key right now.  I could've easily just hit it and acted like I got it right the first time!  It’s directing me to the left.  I’m sohhhhh bad at directions.  The worst!!  I’d accept directions though, gladly!  And with oodles of hope and confidence that my brain will react differently to street names and turns, this time.  But, I switch off after you tell me to take the second left turn.  Even if you didn’t tell me anything about a second left turn.  Whatever turn.  Turn down.  Turn straight.  Reverse forward!  After that second instruction?  I’m not listening to a worrrrrrrd you’re saying.  All I’m thinking about is why the hell did I agree to go to this place.  Thereafter, I’m just talking about, “Okay” and “So that’s after the second left turn, right?”  and “Thanks, I got it now!” ?  I’m mouthing those words just out of courtesy.  It’s always good to be courteous when you know you’re about to be lost.  Kind of a balancing out the feelings method!  I taught myself that.  Gimme a moment…jusssssss…okay!  Gave me a little pat on the back for teaching myself such a useful lesson! 

And I give them as well as I take them.  So, if you’re lost.  Don’t call me, don’t email me, don’t text me, no smoke signals, nothing because your status will not change.  There’s a huge chance that you will be worse off than before I gave you my version on how to get to where you're going.  I’m like a giant ad for why it’s essential to own a navigator.  Meanwhile?  On foot?  Overseas?  I’m a neon, flashing sign for how good a navigator can get!  But only if I’m walking with you.  On-the-job garmin.  Actions speak louder than my words when it comes to directions.  I just suck at directions.  L  That’s the cold, hard truth.  

We all can’t be good at everything.  I can drive.  Well.  As in very good.  I don’t need to know directions, very good, on top of that!  That’s why now?  I point blank refuse to drive to places I’ve never been.  And if I have no choice?  Then I drive to that place I haven’t been, very angrily!  Even the music gets put soft.  Hmmmmmm-m!  When the music gets put soft, you know!  She's angry!  Getting lost?  It’s just a spirit breaker!  Who invented getting lost?  I'm sure it was Murphy again!  Makes you sad and confused and believe that some giant, vicious animal is just going to come out of nowhere in the dark to attack you.  Doesn’t matter if you’re driving around a suburb!  Doesn’t matter if it’s daylight too! 

I should direct myself towards these carrots right now.  Rambling Responsibly makes me hungry.  I’d be lying though, if I told you that it makes me hungry for carrots. O_o!  Who gets hungry for carrots, in winter?  Only Bugs Bunny! 

Ghostly Gasps

Is it just me or does it feel like something or somebody is being a thief in the night?  Mmmmmmmm?  Mmmmmmmmm?!?!  Pinching hours of our sleep time!  Whyyyyyyyyy?  You can't build...a...a day?!  Pinch bricks!  You can do something with those!  It's as though we're awake for twenty-three hours and then asleep for one!  For some of us, that is true, and why would you do that to yourself?  Insomnia is no excuse!  You just like to go against the grain, don't you?  But for others, it just feels true.  I know I didn't fall asleep at 4am this morning!  It was still yesterday when I fell asleep.  Today is yesterdays's tomorrow.  On yesterday's tomorrow, I feel sohhhhh tired!  Like I told Geese?  There's something very wrong with sleep:awoke ratio!  So whoever is in charge of that?  Kindly correct it.  NOW!  Pleaaaase?  (eyelash flutter)!

Yes, I'm whining like a tied up four legged animal...or person, because I'm asking why a lot of times, and you whine when you ask something that starts with a "wh", like where, what, when and ofcourse why...that's how the word, whining, came about!  Like, "Whennnnn are you coming back, I miss you sohhhh much?"  Or. "Wherrrrrre can I buy more sleep time from, I’m still sohhhhh tired?"  Even, "Whyyyyyyy did you say my ass looks big in these jeans, now by law, I can’t speak to you for a week?"  But only if you say the "wh" words in a dragggggggging, nagggggggging fashion accompanied by a frown and on the verge of tears sadness.  Get it? 

Can't believe you didn't know that?!  SMH!  Where have you been?  I know, I know!  Same place as me ‘cause I didn't know that either.  I thought it up right this minute, and it sounds valid.  And you know what that means, don't you?  Yep!  All I need is for it to sound valid for me to take my word for it!  And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  I shudder to think of myself as a teacher!  Not sure if mine would be considered good hands to be in!  Far as correct information.  And following what the textbook says.  I’d be sued on an on-going basis!  By the department and parents alike! 

Parent:  “Grrrrrrrrr!  Did you teach my daughter that if it sounds right, then it IS right?”

Teacher Stacey:  “who me?” 

Parent:  “yes!”

Teacher Stacey:  “Is there something WRONG with that?”

Parent:  “But the textbook says that Mandela was in prison for 27 years?  No 72 years!”

Teacher Stacey:  “I was having a bad day.  I knew it had a 7 and a 2 in it…I just forgot the order, so I taught it as I remembered it.  The man is free, what’s the big deal?  Least I’m not a lazy teacher.  I still teach.  Even if I happen to have forgotten all the facts.”

Talking about teachers.  On the way to school today, Damon starts telling me about what happens when a person is born with a veil?!?  "Ma? Do you know that ghosts are real?  People born with a veil can see dead people.  My friend’s aunty can see dead people on the road with things coming out their face?!?"  And if you’re walking on the road late in the night and you hear something?  You mustn’t look back, because it may be a black ghost, 'cause the good ghosts are white and the black ghosts are the demon ghosts and if they slap you, you'll die!"  I must have aged seven years, just in the time he took to tell me that.  As he went on, my frown lines reached levels of depth that my forehead has never ever experienced! 

I opened my mouth.  And, initially, nothing came out.  Until I finally said?  "WHOOOOO the hell is telling you all of this rubbish!!!!"  He says, "In Catechism class yesterday, we were learning about ghosts!"  More frowning and open mouthed gasps!  O_O!!  I had to do some damage control here!  Think on my feet!  No, on my ass, ‘cause I was driving and I don’t stand and drive!  So, I just said the first thing that came to mind, “Damon, number one?  You shouldn’t be walking on the street late at night.  You should be inside  (he giggles in agreement)…so no ghosts are going to be slapping you!  Second?  You believe and have faith in God?  You don’t have to worry about ghosts of any colour!”  

I then proceeded to tell him that my sister was born with a veil and she sees us.  Not ghosts.  I then told him that being born with a veil is a special thing but it doesn’t mean that you can see ghosts and dead people but he was adamant about his friends’ aunty.  Nothing I could do about that!  His friend must have been wayyyyy more convincing that I was.  I did tell him too that some have said that if you come home after twelve at night, you must walk into your house backwards.  His amused reaction to that?  I think I was successful in showing him that there is too much he said, she said, that he sees, she sees, going on!  

Millennium Moments

Well?  I've pondered, just like I said I would!  And came up with the fact that we’re just about pass the first half of the year!  2012!  That's a fact!  Time seems to be breathing down my neck.  I really don’t know why.  Not like I’m turning forty in four months!  It’s like, ponder?  Time.  Ponder?  Time.  Time to ponder?  I ponder time!  About time my mind pondered something else more exciting.  I’m going to have to have a word with my mind.  And I’ll be firm about it too.  

Do you remember how farrrrrr away the year 2000 felt when we were growing up?  Not only that, I think it was thee most commonly used, sarcastic answer too!  Someone ask you something and you would purse your lips and say, "Mmmmm, yeah, maybe in the year 2000!”  And then when the end of 1999 rolled around?  I was 27 years old and all the warnings were flying around about “take your money out the bank” and shit?!?  Did any one of you fall for that?  Did you run to your bank, withdraw all of your cash and keep it in a plastic bag under your mattress or in your bra or something until the coast was clear?  I have one word for you.  It begins with a “Foo” and ends with a "l".  That was a tad harsh, I know, but true nevertheless!  You know the saying.  “The truth is never a lie.”  I just made that up, so no, I'm sure you didn't know the saying!  And if you were nodding?  Then you were lying.  And that's the truth!  I’ve been a fool many a times.  Nothing to feel shameful about.  Foolish moments are had by alllllllllll at some point in their lives.  Even ants, when they stroll around in front of humans as if they can.  Sure, they can, but they act like they can get away with it!  Pfffffft! When I went downstairs yesterday, I was watching an ant trying to pick up a half a peanut.  It was struggling and had no support whatsoever.  It's buddy's were milling around and not lifting a finger!  Tempted as I was to end its misery, I left it to overcome the challenge and thought, "If this is one of their little Ant Survivor episode's, then all I'm gonna be doing is taking out mayyyyybe one of the stronger contestants.  Rather I let them get to the voting part, 'cause everyone needs a fair chance at walking off as the winner!  If I was a Survivor contestant, I wouldn't want a dinosaur coming and trampling on me while I'm struggling to carry a log!"  So I walked off, the bigger person for not trampling an ant hugging a half a peanut!

I was disappointed though.  Our millennium celebration was nothing to document in the book of amazing millennium celebrations.  I bet you there’s a book!  But, I did have a yearning.  I was in an Empire State of Mind.  My heart fluttered at the thought of flying away to a city of bright lights…that inspire you.  I longed to be made to feel brand new by streets.  Be enveloped in a concrete jungle where dreams are made…oh.  My soul yearned to be squashed like a Sardine in the middle of Times Square.  They looked as though they had a celebration worth being included in the book!  They always do!  Celebratory bastards!  E-v-e-r-y-s-i-n-g-l-e New Years Eve, it’s the same!  Watch tv.  People in Times Square having the best time! 

But I blame the stars and planets too!  They were supposed to be doing something magnificent, other than just…sitting there!  Bored and boring!  At least we didn't just sit.  We could have because we all had lounge suites! But we chose to walk around.  It’s a choice!  You sit.  Or you walk!  On the Eve of the Millennium!  Even if it was just to Aunty Di’s house and back…to sit on her lounge suite a little bit and marvel at the fact that we're alive and the year 2000 looked exactly the same as December 31st, 1999!  Each one of us, at some point, were gripped by the fear of, “Will our money still be in the bank in the morning?”  At least, we were one up on the outer space community!  They didn't even look like they were marvelling!  That's just not on!  You mean to tell me that all of ET's lineage couldn't think up a way of making us look up and point in awe at the little bright lights in the sky, in the form of 2000?  You mean, their fingers can light up and they couldn’t use it to our eyes’ advantage?  The stars could have done that too, but they didn't care.  They might have discussed it and the head star was like, "Our jobs are to shine and twinkle!  That's it!  There will be no formations and extra shimmering.  You know the budget doesn’t allow for that?!?!?  As.  You.  Were!"  So the junior stars sighed and slouched their shoulders and just went back to hanging around each other!  Twinkle, twinkle.  Talk about not going the extra mile?!?  Tsk, tsk, tsk!    

What were you doing as one 1999 turned into 2000?  I need some ideas for when 2999 turns into 3000.  No way am I spending it walking to my aunts’ house!