HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

It's 2014 in South Africa! Good news is that I haven't been hauled outa the function by the infamous SCSG! So it's been a good transition from last year to this one!

2013 has just been amaaaaaaaaazeballs! A mixed bag of experiences that I didn't know I needed and some I knew I couldn't live without!

See you guys later!

Pssssssst! I wore flat shoes, and earrings! So I'm gonna get my dance on! Earrings have nothing to do with it but these are hanging ones, thought they were worth the mention. I'm not starting out the new year offending my accessories!
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New Years Eve Procession

I'm at this function now with my family. It's past 10pm, and ofcourse, New Years Eve!

The security at the gate? I think he thought he was on an episode of World's Most Serious Coloured Security Guard or something. He was like, "Engen card please!" No smile on his face. Hardly the reception I expected on New Years Eve, lemme tell ya! Plus what makes it worse? He's Coloured! A serious Coloured asking a sweet Coloured like thaaaaaat, "Engen card please?!"

Meanwhile I told him I'm here for a social club function. O_o! Little did I know, it was a private function. Yes! I was invited! They didn't give me all the details, clearly!

Either way, he starts asking me to drop names like I'm being interrogated in the First 48?! I'm like WTF is wrong with this serious Coloured security guard? I still don't know. But, I'm at his mercy so, I'm being as polite as one Coloured to another, can get. I give him my cousins name and the bastard asks for another name!

>_< See now?

Now? My old year blood is beginning to boil, right?! I then state his...I did STATE, 'cause of how serious he was. If he was like chilled and even smiling? I woulda said! Not stated! Anyway? I state my cousins wife's name! I dunno if he gave up on me or what? Either that or keep me there stating names until the countdown. Orrrr until I put foot to the accelerator and then I'm involved in a serious Coloured security guard chase on New Years Eve. Damon woulda enjoyed that!

SCSG (by now you know what that stands for) then orders me to "PROCEED!" Hahahhahahaaha!!! I needed to burst out laughing but I made sure to keep my composure. It was on the verge of going either way at that point. And then I just did my hair too. Getting whacked over the head with his walky-talky wasn't part of the plan!

I think it's obvious that I proceeded.
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Damn, This Season has been Boring! Tra-la-la-la-laaaa-blah-blah-blah-blahhhh!

Yo! Yo! Yo!! Why, hello to you too! ^_^!

Lemme telya! I'm very, very, very short-breathed by the lack of "noise" during this festive season! It's almost as though everybody's taken an oath of boredom or something.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Smh!
Uhm-uhm-uhm!
Oooooooo-a-a!

And whatever other written expressions of disgust that you can find.

'Cause it's not just me. It's every single body that I've asked? "Sohhhh? How's your festives going?" I'm polite like that. And no, I didn't keep count! Three equals thirty in some instances.

They all quickly come back with, "Borrrrring!" "Quieeeeet!" I'm beginning to think that Lynn's Dubai departure has had a far greater effect than I thought! Hey?! O_O! Mayyyyyyyybe?! Maybe someone in their family's also skipped the country. Ya never know! I just may be onto something here!

Wait...wait....I'm thinking.................................................

I'm gonna include that in my follow up festive courtesy question. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-M! That's it! There's only one way to know fo shizzle! "Wow?! Quiet too? You had the family magnet move to Dubai, huh?" If their heads start to tilt like a puppy and their faces begin to skew in confusion? 'Cause they may just be that typa family, you know. Where allll their festives are just ordinarily quiet? I'll just point to my left with an enquiring expression and yell, "Commmmming!" Ay, it works in the movies. But ima reserve it for certain responses. The enjoyable ones? I'll just snarl or growl or click my tongue in envy and then walk away while they're in mid-commentary of all the fun they had!

And now at 4.06am, I lift my cupa tea and propose a toast, "Here's hoping our New Year's Eve and Day will involve at least one sliver of excitement!" PS: Out of sheer desperation? I'll even take a drunk relative tripping over his/her own feet. Noooooh-noh! Don't be putting words on my post. I never said.....and hurt themselves. I'l have you know, it issss possible to trip and not hurt yourself! I know a couple. From Wendy. She's always tripping and not hurting herself.

I would demonstrate for y'all but my sinus...? Yeahhhhhh! Who trips themselves while their sinus is acting up? I'd be here about to inflict a trip and then, "Wait, aaaaaaaaah, wait aaaaaaaah-ti, wait aaaaaaaaah-tish...I need to sneeze...aaaaaaaaaaah-tishoooo!" Plus I'm kinda half-asleep. Which is better than nothing since it'd be a wee bit strange if I was tripping myself while my whole self was sleeping.

More importantly? The half of me that's awoke insists on practising caution because, well? I have New Years Eve plans and all it's saying to me right now is, "When you demonstrate hurtless tripping while half your alertness is sleeping? Oooooooo-whoooooo, I don't see that ending well! You may just crack my forehead open on this packet of Damon's stationery or worse? Crack your forehead open on Damon's stationery annnnnnnnnnd have to drive yourself to Bluff Medi-centre! No thank you very much."

Ima listen to caution. And you know what? I think I'd better go on to bed now too before I'm bullied by my dormant adventurous side and then find myself blogging from the doctors rooms about, "Actually, it's not possible, afterall, to trip and not hurt yourself!" Five stitches later!

Sweet dreams!
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Merry Christmas from South Africa!!

I wish you alllllll a wonderful Christmas Day! God, food, fun and family and don't be forgetting laughter now!!! Nooooooh, not like a giggle...I mean LOUD RAUCOUS SNORTING SIDE-PAIN LAUGHTER! Like BWAAAAAAAAASNORTHAAAAAAAAHAHSNORTHAHAHHAHHAHASNORTHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! Try it...don't be shy...go on...okay, okay. After lunch then. When you're nice and stuffed and happy.

Pssssssssssssst...Maybe wait for someone to sip on soda and then do something totally foolish! But make sure you're not standing in front of the soda sipper! Ay? I had my turn to spray my gulp of tea outa my mouth this festive season when I burst out laughing at Gillian telling a story! We thought we knew the point of it when she began telling it but mannnn? Somewhere, somehowwwww? She managed to confuse the tea right outa my mouth. Sorry Kelly! >_<! Smh! Poor girl didn't even see it coming!

And one last thing. Be responsible alright? If you're gonna have the joy juice? Have the joy juice and enjoy it, just not behind the wheel of your car!

Merry Christmas from South Africa, everybody!
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Thinking About You

I know you can see me laying here thinking about you, you pretty little Angel you. Can't believe that one whollllle year has passed already! You'd be surprised to hear how many people are thinking about the fact that time just seems to be whizzzzing past them. I'm feeling a bit guilty, aside from so many other things going through my mind right now? This year has been so full, jampacked actually, that there were days that I did forget to think about you. It wasn't because I'd forgotten you, never. It's just...life gets so busy sometimes, one can barely remember their own names.

I still wish so hard that I could have met you. One more day and I would have, and mannnn Kai? I was so excited about seeing you last year but I've learnt to trust that God's will is the best one even when it doesn't feel the nicest kinda way inside. I trust too that you're healed and you're whole and that you're happy, I'm sure even more beautiful too. Ever since we were old enough to understand, we were always taught that that's what happens in Heaven.

Guess what? I was with your mum just a few days ago, we made unforgettable memories and did soooooh much laughing, you know how your gran is, there's bound to be laughter when she's around. As for Leigh? She's even crazier than your gran is, LOL! Paige was rolling on the floor at one point 'coz you're gran was yelling about she got amnesia! Self-diagnosis, I might add! LOL! I'm sure Paige's tummy, just like all of ours, hurt more than many times from all the laughing too. She keeps you right there on her bedroom wall.

I'm thinking about you my sugar, and I'm gonna say, in advance, that I'm sorry because I'm gonna forget again to think about you on my most busy days but my heart and soul will never forget to love you, everyday.

Endless Love
Aunty Stacey
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Some Festive Fun

Here?  She's come up with this wrecking-ball-between-the-legs-bunny-hop...go-figure!  And good luck with that too!  LOL!  I was there and I'm still tryna go figure it out!

Now?  Ya Rambler is off to get the last of her shopping done!  I'm soooooh over this Christmas rush, I telya!  Whoever used shopping as therapy, needs to see themselves a shrink!  Cannot.  Deal!

Happy birthday, BD!

One of my bestest best friends in the whole round world was born today! If ever I've known of an unconditional anything, I've learnt it from this unexpected friendship! If you knew the dynamics of our encounter, you'd understand why I call it an unexpected friendship. Why I referred to unconditonality?Lmfao! Hey? At least you know fo shizzle that my blog wasn't hijacked by a proper speaking imposter!  Well?  I guess when you make it through the ups and downs that often accompany any type of relationship, whether it be friends, cousins, siblings?  Unconditionality is what get's you there!

Great news?! I'm off work 'til the 6th and if you thought this vacation had anything to do with rest? Think again! That's not what the holiday's are for and you know it! If right now, you're over there roooooooolaxin? Best you check yaself! There's definitely a ridiculously long queue that you should be waiting in. That isssss, in the midst of getting bumped, left, right and centre, mumbling Christmas cheer. And by that I mean, all those vile curse words you can't remember being taught, but know anyyyyyyway.

Can you tell that I'm beginning not to like shopping this time of the year? Just a tad. Not altogether. How else am I gonna use those infamous curse words then? Can't have them bubbling inside of me indefinitely! You already know what that does?!

Please don't look at me with that, "What it does again?!?!" expression! Have you not heard I word I've typed?

There ya go. Thatttttt's right! That person who just said, "Aaaaaaah yeah! I remember! It makes you nothing but a bitter ol' somebody who everybody avoids like a diseased ridden locust plague!" I feel better now.

>_<!  Just realized that the person who just answered me, was me.  No thanks to you.  Lucky me?  I've outgrown it. Bitterness is not a good look.  Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  If you never remember anything I've ever said.  Remember that.  It deepens your frown lines and ages the crap outa you.  I don't think that you would carry any kinda pro-ageing cream in your cosmetic bag that promises to do that, right?  So then why carry it in your heart?
 
Well, I gotta run now. Noooooooooooooooh, oh no no no!  Not exercise run.  Don't be nasty.  Santa's watching!  Besides?  It's past midnight in South Africa.  I would have to have a death wish or a powerful tazor to even think about that.  Just a word of warning?  Wendy has a tazor and she's itchy to use it.  So, if you're feeling a little low on voltage, give her a call and she'll be only too happy to help!

Seriously though, I've been really busy these past weeks. It never stops, does it! But I'm happy for the gift of life, and for the fact that I'm blessed enough toooooo be busy. And alive! That's always a plus. I'll see you guys soon!

Happy birthday, Baldy! Can't imagine this world without your craziness!

And last but not least. The world said a final goodbye to our former President, Nelson Mandela today! May he rest in peace. That's all he was after on this earth, afterall.

Just One Night

She's herrrrrrrrrrrrre! I'm sitting next to her right now. Summer's taking a picture of her with this cap covering her one eye. This?!? This is what you call cheap child labour! It's about their fifth take by now!

Nevermind, Cruz bit her finger earlier! Must be that foreign smell hahhahhahhaa! She screamed, "RABBBBBBBBBIES!!! Smh! You're classified as a dog and then bite someone and that's the first thing they yell!

That was before or after she told us, I can't recall.....she just returned from Afganistan right? They briefed the girl on Army base behaviour. Something tells me that she was either petrified or excited, even in her sleep 'cause she couldn't wait to take cover!!!! Yep! For a person that sleeps DEAD?!? She woke from this louuuuuuud sound and like she was born to do it. I'm using my imagination here. She dived onto the floor just like they told her to. Just...that sound?

Jets.

If you ask me? She just wanted the dive on the floor in an army base experience. I could be wrong but IIIIIIIII doubt it!

She was like, "I heard this sound! It was deafening! I dived on the floor (acting it out)? But the sound wasn't stopping! So I'm laying there. And laying there. And layyyyyyyyying there!

LMFAO!

Then all nonchalantly, she says, "Then I remembered, oh okay, they did tell me about the jets!"

HHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA! GOD I MISSED HER!


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Enough Said! Obama Honours Mandela

2013-12-10 13:46
To Graça Machel and the Mandela family; to President Zuma and members of the government; to heads of state and government, past and present; distinguished guests - it is a singular honor to be with you today, to celebrate a life unlike any other. To the people of South Africa - people of every race and walk of life - the world thanks you for sharing Nelson Mandela with us. His struggle was your struggle. His triumph was your triumph. Your dignity and hope found expression in his life, and your freedom, your democracy is his cherished legacy.

It is hard to eulogize any man - to capture in words not just the facts and the dates that make a life, but the essential truth of a person - their private joys and sorrows; the quiet moments and unique qualities that illuminate someone's soul. How much harder to do so for a giant of history, who moved a nation toward justice, and in the process moved billions around the world.

Born during World War I, far from the corridors of power, a boy raised herding cattle and tutored by elders of his Thembu tribe - Madiba would emerge as the last great liberator of the 20th century. Like Gandhi, he would lead a resistance movement - a movement that at its start held little prospect of success. Like King, he would give potent voice to the claims of the oppressed, and the moral necessity of racial justice. He would endure a brutal imprisonment that began in the time of Kennedy and Khrushchev, and reached the final days of the Cold War. Emerging from prison, without force of arms, he would - like Lincoln - hold his country together when it threatened to break apart. Like America's founding fathers, he would erect a constitutional order to preserve freedom for future generations - a commitment to democracy and rule of law ratified not only by his election, but by his willingness to step down from power.

Given the sweep of his life, and the adoration that he so rightly earned, it is tempting then to remember Nelson Mandela as an icon, smiling and serene, detached from the tawdry affairs of lesser men. But Madiba himself strongly resisted such a lifeless portrait. Instead, he insisted on sharing with us his doubts and fears; his miscalculations along with his victories. "I'm not a saint," he said, "unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying."

It was precisely because he could admit to imperfection - because he could be so full of good humor, even mischief, despite the heavy burdens he carried - that we loved him so. He was not a bust made of marble; he was a man of flesh and blood - a son and husband, a father and a friend. That is why we learned so much from him; that is why we can learn from him still. For nothing he achieved was inevitable. In the arc of his life, we see a man who earned his place in history through struggle and shrewdness; persistence and faith. He tells us what's possible not just in the pages of dusty history books, but in our own lives as well.

Mandela showed us the power of action; of taking risks on behalf of our ideals. Perhaps Madiba was right that he inherited, "a proud rebelliousness, a stubborn sense of fairness" from his father. Certainly he shared with millions of black and colored South Africans the anger born of, "a thousand slights, a thousand indignities, a thousand unremembered moments…a desire to fight the system that imprisoned my people."

But like other early giants of the ANC - the Sisulus and Tambos - Madiba disciplined his anger; and channeled his desire to fight into organization, and platforms, and strategies for action, so men and women could stand-up for their dignity. Moreover, he accepted the consequences of his actions, knowing that standing up to powerful interests and injustice carries a price. "I have fought against white domination and I have fought against black domination," he said at his 1964 trial. "I've cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die."

Mandela taught us the power of action, but also ideas; the importance of reason and arguments; the need to study not only those you agree with, but those who you don't. He understood that ideas cannot be contained by prison walls, or extinguished by a sniper's bullet. He turned his trial into an indictment of apartheid because of his eloquence and passion, but also his training as an advocate. He used decades in prison to sharpen his arguments, but also to spread his thirst for knowledge to others in the movement. And he learned the language and customs of his oppressor so that one day he might better convey to them how their own freedom depended upon his.

Mandela demonstrated that action and ideas are not enough; no matter how right, they must be chiseled into laws and institutions. He was practical, testing his beliefs against the hard surface of circumstance and history. On core principles he was unyielding, which is why he could rebuff offers of conditional release, reminding the Apartheid regime that, "prisoners cannot enter into contracts." But as he showed in painstaking negotiations to transfer power and draft new laws, he was not afraid to compromise for the sake of a larger goal. And because he was not only a leader of a movement, but a skillful politician, the Constitution that emerged was worthy of this multiracial democracy; true to his vision of laws that protect minority as well as majority rights, and the precious freedoms of every South African.

Finally, Mandela understood the ties that bind the human spirit. There is a word in South Africa- Ubuntu - that describes his greatest gift: his recognition that we are all bound together in ways that can be invisible to the eye; that there is a oneness to humanity; that we achieve ourselves by sharing ourselves with others, and caring for those around us. We can never know how much of this was innate in him, or how much of was shaped and burnished in a dark, solitary cell. But we remember the gestures, large and small - introducing his jailors as honored guests at his inauguration; taking the pitch in a Springbok uniform; turning his family's heartbreak into a call to confront HIV/AIDS - that revealed the depth of his empathy and understanding. He not only embodied Ubuntu; he taught millions to find that truth within themselves. It took a man like Madiba to free not just the prisoner, but the jailor as well; to show that you must trust others so that they may trust you; to teach that reconciliation is not a matter of ignoring a cruel past, but a means of confronting it with inclusion, generosity and truth. He changed laws, but also hearts.

For the people of South Africa, for those he inspired around the globe - Madiba's passing is rightly a time of mourning, and a time to celebrate his heroic life. But I believe it should also prompt in each of us a time for self-reflection. With honesty, regardless of our station or circumstance, we must ask: how well have I applied his lessons in my own life?

It is a question I ask myself - as a man and as a President. We know that like South Africa, the United States had to overcome centuries of racial subjugation. As was true here, it took the sacrifice of countless people - known and unknown - to see the dawn of a new day. Michelle and I are the beneficiaries of that struggle. But in America and South Africa, and countries around the globe, we cannot allow our progress to cloud the fact that our work is not done. The struggles that follow the victory of formal equality and universal franchise may not be as filled with drama and moral clarity as those that came before, but they are no less important. For around the world today, we still see children suffering from hunger, and disease; run-down schools, and few prospects for the future. Around the world today, men and women are still imprisoned for their political beliefs; and are still persecuted for what they look like, or how they worship, or who they love.

We, too, must act on behalf of justice. We, too, must act on behalf of peace. There are too many of us who happily embrace Madiba's legacy of racial reconciliation, but passionately resist even modest reforms that would challenge chronic poverty and growing inequality. There are too many leaders who claim solidarity with Madiba's struggle for freedom, but do not tolerate dissent from their own people. And there are too many of us who stand on the sidelines, comfortable in complacency or cynicism when our voices must be heard.

The questions we face today - how to promote equality and justice; to uphold freedom and human rights; to end conflict and sectarian war - do not have easy answers. But there were no easy answers in front of that child in Qunu. Nelson Mandela reminds us that it always seems impossible until it is done. South Africa shows us that is true. South Africa shows us we can change. We can choose to live in a world defined not by our differences, but by our common hopes. We can choose a world defined not by conflict, but by peace and justice and opportunity.

We will never see the likes of Nelson Mandela again. But let me say to the young people of Africa, and young people around the world - you can make his life's work your own. Over thirty years ago, while still a student, I learned of Mandela and the struggles in this land. It stirred something in me. It woke me up to my responsibilities - to others, and to myself - and set me on an improbable journey that finds me here today. And while I will always fall short of Madiba's example, he makes me want to be better. He speaks to what is best inside us. After this great liberator is laid to rest; when we have returned to our cities and villages, and rejoined our daily routines, let us search then for his strength - for his largeness of spirit - somewhere inside ourselves. And when the night grows dark, when injustice weighs heavy on our hearts, or our best laid plans seem beyond our reach - think of Madiba, and the words that brought him comfort within the four walls of a cell:

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

What a great soul it was. We will miss him deeply. May God bless the memory of Nelson Mandela. May God bless the people of South Africa.
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Thank You, Madiba

Funny enough, I heard from overseas that Mandela had passed. I'm firing myself as news reporter. I'm fired. There . Done.

I don't even know where to start. Up to my matric year, I had no idea who Mandela was. Not only was I absolutely not interested in politics like that? But to my knowledge, I hadn't even learnt about him in history up to that point.

But then years later, I met one of the most important people in my life, and it was only because Mandela lived. And our friendship? That connection that we share? It started from the moment we met and nothing. Not absence, differences, happenstance nor distance has ever been able to break it. That is how I will choose to honor Madiba. Through this life-long friendship that he CAUSED in my life.

I'm almost certain that you too, have your own special Madiba moment. And if it's not as personal as mine? Then honor the fact that we were fortunate enough to have one of the world's bravest souls born from our soil.

RIP Mr. Nelson "Madiba" Mandela, thank you!
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The Bastards!

Nothing interesting unfolding around these parts, so the Rambler news desk is empty! Oh! Oh! Oh! Petrol went up again, that-that's something huh?

Naaaaaaaaah!

That's not news! That's a way of life. However, it was to my ears yesterday when Wendy asked me, "D'you know petrol went up?" The basssssstards!!!! Apparently, it was announced on the radio on Tuesday and I missed it. And do you know why? Because I couldn't get signal! And do you know why? Because I had my cd player BLARRRRRRRING with, "Ain nobuuudy bidni" That's English. I think. On sommmmme planet! And do you know why? O_o! Well now, THAT didn't work, did it? Uuuurgh, what I'm tryna say is this?!

Somebody stole my freakin' car aerial. Yup! The basssssstards!!!! You knew that was coming, didn't you? These are another breed, I telya. They probably reallllllllllllllly needed it. You know? -_- To. To listen for when petrol increases were announced. Or the East Coast Radio Breakfast Show. Apparently, it's not to be missed. I hope it was worth it though. Unscrewing my aerial in broad daylight! It had to be broad daylight because we sleep at night. Me and my car. I hope that whatEVer they needed it for, was worth it. Else it'd just be a waste of going to hell.

Question?
What do you think hell is? The basta...>_< not yet!
I always maintained that we're living in hell and when we die, we then go to heaven. All you need to do is look around you. 'Specially when you're at the gym. And then give some consideration to my theory. People in hell, I assume, would be like, "Uuuuuuuuuurgh!" "Uuuuuuuuurgh!" Right? What about funerals? The Priest almost neVer eVer says, "Let us bow our heads while we think about the fact that so and so's soul has just dropped straight to hell." Understandably, it could be that they only tell the immediate family things like that but the public? Huh-uh!

Hahhahahhahahha! O_o! Confession session. I just typed, pubic. Let's all raise whatever's in our hands! Here, here! Here's hoping that a priest never eVer tells anybody's pubic's any damn thing!

It's now just before 6pm. Durban time. I was at this function that we just left from. We were the help. The smiling tickers. That's why I'm wearing these clothes. Black clothes. The type that needs ironing. With buttons and little seams and darts and shit. Lemme tell you something. One day, I shall be the guest of honour! Of something where...

SCUREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!! O_O!

I'll have to make speech then, right!
Neverrrrrrmind!
Never!
Mind!

That'll be me hiding under a desk like I did when we were being robbed at gunpoint in 2002 and my brother thought that the armed robbers took me hostage and got off his flight to Port Elizabeth. Mid-air!

That's a bold-faced lie.
The plane was still grounded but I'm sure he disembarked in a very heroic manner. And if I wanna envision my brother like one would envision James Bond, then just let me. I need that.

See? 'Cause I was numb. Laugh if you want. It's funny now, and check it out....I can join in too, HA! You'd be numb too if like an idiot, you chose to wear a long skirt that day and you felt the robber stand right next to you, you know how their shoes brush up against the hem of your skirt? Yeah! And took your car keys and cellphone off the very desk that you're hiding under and just when you think he's stepping back to put some space between the two of you before he drags you out from under there by your stupid long skirt but then you realize he's not. And you're too afraid to breath! Normal breathe or a sigh of relief where instead of you! He's dragged the outfit in the packet behind you by the wall, that you just bought on sale!

Plus our knitting was in my car. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, correction. Ima say MY knitting. I don't have a CLUUUUUE what Wendy was doing with those needles and that wool. ALL I remember was that she was making something that got wider and smaller for no apparent reason.

I know you're asking yourself, "What colour was her outfit?" Well? Ima tell you! I hid because I heard the panicked screams of our receptionist and when I peered...? Notice! Ya Rambler, peered. Wendy, on the other hand, went to the reception area like, "Who are these guys?" She coulda been right there, hiding with me, but neoooooooooooooh!

Me? It was payday! I was packing up! It was five minutes before we closed. I was leaving in a week for Los Angeles! Too much going on to need to know who those guys were. I still don't know who they were. But I'm sure they're pretty warm in my scarf, that thing Wendy was making and our new suits! The basssssstards!

Anyway. Can't change the past but let's hope Wendy's learnt her lesson by now. Peer instead of..................................................... I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with peer that means "walk boldly into danger."

Can't. Think. Of. One.

I hear the commotion. I peeeeeer to my right 'cause there was a passage from our office leading to reception and I saw this guy running with what looked like a rusty gun and a yellow t-shirt! What was I supposed to do? Run into them? Someone had to hide! 'Cause if you think about robber movies, there're those being made to walk from their offices with their hands behind their heads, those that are made to lay face down in the boardroom having their pockets emptied, and me. That one! That is hiding.

Hey, I wonder what he woulda done if I'd picked up my stapler and held it like a gun, ran alongside him and just started mimicking everything he was doing?
I'll never know. So after I peered? I veered! On the side of caution and crawled under my desk and prayed like I have never prayed before! I can tell you with every shred of confidence that the saying, "Time flies when you're having fun!" That saying? Is right on the freakin' money! 'Cause those five or so minutes felt like five hours. I was positive that I would die that day. And that ain't no fun!

And now? We're on our way home and just passed the Methodist Church in the city where I was robbed in Grade 11. People are always taking my stufffffffff. The basssssstards!!! I'm noticing this pattern and I don't like it! I twanged when I said I don't like it. So, read it again, with a twang. Like you're from Britain.

Maybe if I wasssssssss from Britain, I'd still have my dad's rates money and my mums atm card. They didn't want my silver bracelets, I offered it to them. Just the gold, the money, and the card.

The baSSSSSStards!!!!

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