After Action

As the title of my blog so aptly suggests?  I'm late.  A-gain.  Contrary to the impression that my untimely posts have given off?  In my daily activities, I’m very much obsessed with being early or at the very least, on time.  Sadly, the time thief now hates me...booooo-hoooooo!  What matter most is that I’m here, right?!?!  Reporting the news azzzzzzz and when I get....around to it....(cough).  Thank goodness this isn’t my motivation letter to E-Entertainment for that journalist position they’ve just opened up, in my imagination.

Believe it or not, I've been trying to finish this post for three or however many days now.  Back when we sat with baited breath to see what the outcome would be.  Predictable as we knew it was and would be?  We still stubbornly wasted baited breath.  Breath that woulda been well spent on something the government was planning.  Or on the budget speech later today.  But thaaaaaaat’s alright.  Not as though we won’t get another chance.

So.............?  Oscar's out on bail.  O_O!  What. A. Shocker!  Huh? 

That's all.  That's it!  Saying anything further would render me biased and as a Libra?  I've always prided myself on being fair.  

Blink.......

Foot tap.....

Inner cheek bite.....

Eyeball roam....

Nervous leg shake....Okay?  Enough!

Lies!  I hate!  Lemme quickly tell you why I'm saying that before I say nothing further on the subject.  If my boyfriend shot me?  I would scream.  Case closed.  Bang.  Bang.  Alllllllll rise!  Court is adjourned.  Parking tickets will not be validated, thank you very much.

And before I promptly change the subject?  If you require further elaboration on my earth shattering closing argument?  Here it is. 

I'd scream.  :-/    Not because I'm a woman.  Youuuuuuuuu know you'd scream like the little girl you could have been if your chromosomes were set up differently!

At least...?  After the first bullet rips through my fragile skin.  If I were a beautiful model?  My skin most definitely would be fragile.  Anything after that first bone-chilling scream?  I hate pain.  So much so that I chose to give birth without the epidural.  I took these child-bearing hips of mine seriously and weighed the pain of the needle in my back against the pain of pushing a person out my body...inaccurately!  That's one mistake I won't make again.  Twice bitten, thrice shy.

Back to hypothetically being shot by my boyfriend.....After my first scream?  I'd probably have that open mouth expression where I'm truthfully crying.  My nephew does those silent cries at times.  All you see is his mouth WIDDDDDDDDE OPEN and his face turning blue.  For me though?  Shock and more than a pinch of terror have swallowed my voice because well....?  It burns like hell's fire, or so I've heard.  Not to mention that these aren't even close to the plans we had for February, 14^th.  But most importantly because he's still shooting and I'm not ready to die....in a toilet. 

And if after my first and only frightful girly bark about, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!  That hurt, darling!!"  Followed by thoughts of how much Vitamin E oil I'd have to go through to lighten that scar?  Camera picks up every blemish.  He stillllllll thought I was a burglar?  Then that doesn't say anything remotely encouraging about our relationship up to that point!  I've suddenly realized how much time and energy I've wasted being with him that I'm like, "Just.....kill me now..."  And then realize...."Oh F&*%!"

We're all adults here, are we not?  Most of us have experienced being in sommmmmmmme type of sexual situation, right!!?  I say that with absolute confidence since I hardly believe that any one of my readers is a Catholic priest.  Now....You tell me?  Aren't painful screams on several levels akin to cries of passion?  Uhhhhhhhh-huh!  I see you shaking your head.  Okay, okay, so not everybody voices their pleasure.  But you have an idea of what I’m talking about, don’t you?  From Fatal Attraction or that Sharon Stone movie or Fifty Shades.  Or the neighbours?  Do you have dog’s?  

I-I'm sorry.  There certainly are times when silence is anything but golden.  That would be one of them...A-HEM!  

Th-Throat.

Unless the imaginary burglar, sounded like Reeva in the throes of passion?  Then I can no doubt, fully understand his confusion. Definitely disturbing.  But I’ve seen worst.  

And that my friends?  Cover the sound aspects of it.  I swore I said I wasn’t talking about this....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well....shrug....I tried.  I’m not perfect and I’m perfectly fine with that.  But it does however lead me to the very burning question of?  Who am I...........?

..................to wonder how, in the dark?  His vision was onnnnnnnly 20/20 when it came time to traipse over to the balcony?  Retrieve the fan.  Reach for his gun.  Hear the burglar-like sounds.  Okay, that has nothing to do with sight.  Strike that from the record.  And later, to find a bat...but come time to see his white girlfriend?  Blind as that bat! 

Clearly, my neutral stance on this entire saga supports our policy of “guilty until proven innocent.”

Chill Pill

I'm not saying they're bad?  Nnnnnnnnnn...on second thought?  Letttt's leave that to personal opinion.  All I'm saying is that I'd be hell surprised if they weren't designed by a women-hating psycho with a twitching third nostril!  Come to think of it?  I'd be fuming with my mother too, but?!?  Hey?  Why are we all being tormented for one person’s error in judgement?  Isn’t it public knowledge that fornicating with a distant cousin could possibly cause your offspring to have an extra eye, nineteen toes or in this case?  A third nostril?  I don’t even have to tell you that the Bible is against such acts of multiplication.  Your mother should ha...nevermind.  Pointless statement. 

Before the men start whining about, "Ohhhhhh there she goes!  Typical woman, that Rambler!  Blaming men for contraceptive pills!"  Small shiny little bastards, they are!  And before the men start whining about, "Now she's calling us small shiny little bastards?!?"  No, I’m not.  But if there’s a cap to fit everybody?  Women-haters can be women too, so...?  Chill.  I have idea!  Why not try a birth control pill!  It’s my current experience that those nasty buggers will keep you swallowing until you’re digesting parts of your throat that'd be best kept for when your teeth become extinct! 

Like that hanging part at the back of your mouth.  Say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  Yeah!  That thing!  The uvula!  Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah!  You forgot, didn't you?  Well?  You're not alone!  If the internet hadn't been invented, I'd not have remembered it either just now.  When I did a search.  A-hem!  On "that hanging thing at the back of the mouth."  Truth be told.  It’s not even like I did remember it.  Even when I read what it was called.  I’ve never ever seen that word in my goddamm life!  And I wasn’t born yesterday.  Sounds like some African President or something.  President Uvuuuuuuuula!  And just like ours?  It serves no purpose apart from just...dangling in the background, confusing people!

You think I'm kidding around but I just found out from my new Biology teacher?  Mr. Google.  Mr. Internet Google.  And this?  I already knew, by the way!  The uvula has no actual scientific function other than to cause adults to appear dumb as doornails when their knowledge thirsty kids look to them and ask, "Ma?  What's this hanging thing at the back of my mouth for?" 

Ofcourse?  My opportunity detector immediate kicked in!  So, without any scientific fact for humankind to run back to, print out and slap in my face?  I've decided that my suspicions can now be documented!  I hereby state that, scientifically?  See?  Now if you hear someone misinforming their kid?  Youuuuu can now run back to my scientific documentation, print it out and paper-slap them.  I know that that aggravating group of people who live for nothing but to prove anyyyyyyyything, anybody else says?  Wrong!  Are salivating right now, like, "Ask your mum.  Ask your mum!"  This is proving to be an all round beneficial expedition, isn't it? 

Protected by Copyright Laws of 2013:  It is hereby my finding that the uvula is there to show your throat which direction it's meant to face.  Think of the air hostesses on the plane before take-off.  That delightful way that they illustrate the directions of the exit seats with their hands!  They are the uvula of the aircraft!  Plain and simple.  Science needn't be complicated, you know?  To this day?  I haven't heard of anyone's throat facing north. 

Conclusion to my finding:  The job that I’ve decided it's doing?  It's doing quite well!  

I'm confident that we’ve learnt about the uvula baccccccccccccck when Biology was still called Biology and we had a choice to study it on Higher Grade or Standard Grade.  Mannnnn?  Those were the days, huh?  Now?  The only Grade there is for Life Science is "Da fuck did I choose this subject for?"  

While we’re on the subject of da fuck?  They say that the contraceptive pill causes weight gain in some women.  Guess what?!?!  I now know how da fuck that happens!  It's allllllllllll those things you have to shove in your mouth in an effort to get that one evil little freakin' M&M-wanna-be to go down your throat.  I'm like?  "Really??!?!  A powder didn't occur to that tri-twitching-nostrilled devil child?"  The answer is obviously no!  That would be tooooo much like considerate for those of us who have contraceptive pill intolerant throats. 

I always try to maintain that blame should be placed where blame belongs.  Therefore, revenge should be directed with that same philosophy.  Right?!  I’m getting that feeling like some of you are thinking, “Boyyyy?!??!  Bitter, aren’t we?”  I am!  As I rightfully should be.  On one hand?   We have the injection.  For chickens like myself?  Not an option!  On the other hand?  We have the contraceptive pill.  Clearly, my throat is as much a chicken as I am!  So that’s a bust too.  Which leaves me with, “What exactly are my options here?”

Succumb to that feeling of having something lodged in your oesophagus alllllllll day, every day?  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, the horror!  Or?  Acne!  Or?  Unblanced hormones!  Look at that!  I can't even spell anymore!  WTF is unblanced? 

......................................................Or having as many offspring as Zuma does!  O_O!  You know what?!?!  That alone was reason enough to scurry off and stock up on the torture pills!  My sister's dog died from overbreed!  If there were triple the amount of breeding seasons per year?  B#@%h be like, “Another six coming up....!”  I'm not tryna be put to rest with a headstone that reads.....Random Rambler: Gave birth to death!

Love You to Death...

Sooooooh....spill it, spill it! What are the plans? Dinner? Flowers? Fat?! I mean, chocolates? Ya know, ye ol' Rambler is nothing but a soft, mushy, sarcastic, romantic at heart. You're shocked, aren't you? Well, don't be! Every one of us have a soft, mushy side.

Even Oscar Pistoffius! Pistoffatus? Pistori....Pistori-something. Granted! That side of him might be a biiiiiiiiiiit difficult to see right now? Since it is alleged that he kinda....shot his girlfriend four times on the morning of Valentines Day!

Ahhhhhhhh yeS! The Valentines Day gift that evvvvvvery girlfriend wants! No pulse! But?!? I'm sure he cried when he was being arrested for murder. And there you have it! Proof of soft and mushy. I-I think O_o!

I honestly thought I was being singled out and picked on by Venus when today rolled around and Geese didn't magically appear in front of me? In person. Couple that with being banished to the interior of my home for now, the fourth day straight and being unable to stay awake for any decent lengths of time? You have to admit. All evidence pointed squarely in favour of my theory.

But ay? After reading that? Like, I kept seeing, Oscar this, Oscar that, and then with the broadcasted jokes and everything. Now you take that and my already deepening-by-the-minute feelings of isolation at the hands of Venus? Ofcourse, I did exactly what any interested citizen with an internet connection, would do. I googled, Oscar shot girlfriend!

I've been humbled. And thankful that at worst? Let's see...how did Geese put it? Hmmmmmmm? Oh yeah! Thankful that at worst.....my blood pressure is as low as a dead person. I know. You're asking the person to your left, "But why would she be thankful for low blood pressure?" Because I live.

Unlike Oscars now, ex-girlfriend. A FHM model, I might add! For her to have been a long-time girlfriend and then be mistaken for a burglar by none other than......Oscar, the long-time now, ex-boyfriend? You think you know a person...smh!

All that tells me? Is that Pretoria must have a wholllllllllle 'nother calibre of burglars. Eh? Our burglars? Police Files models at best! I hope for his sake that he didn't kill her on purpose. Although? Four times...hmmmmmm? Kinda hard not to get that impression.

Look?!? Was she covered from head to toe that she was thaaaaaaaaat unrecognizable? And then? Okay. Okay. Benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people don't switch the light on when there's a burglar in the house. You don't wanna scare them. With light. Did he just shoot wild in the dark but then just so happennnnnnn....to hit the target....four times? The scream from when the first bullet hit? Still not enough of a clue, huh? No?

Allllllll that aside! What confuses me the most!?! Didn't he know that in South Africa, it's illegal to shoot a burglar...BEFORE they shoot you?

And now? On that cheery note? I wish all the love birds out there, a wonderful Valentines Day. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it? Treasure it, nurture it and most of all? Don't mistake it for a burglar!

Happy Valentines Day, Geese!
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Ellen Lent Me Kindness

Yesssssssss! Ellen as in the Degeneres kind! I absolutely LOVE her. She's simply beyond lovable. Like? She's just made up of cute little particles of love...and MISCHIEF! You didn't know this? But meeting her is on my list of dreams. Along with hugging Michael Jackson. Annnnnnd? If THAT is anything to go by? Then it'll never happen. But!?!? What are we without impossible dreams, right?

Exactly!

Speaking about dreams? Leigh called me an awwwwwesome this and that and then finished off her compliment by whining about me being responsible for her having nothing to read before bedtime. Can you see how everything inter-connects? Well, no? She said nothing about not being able to dream because of it, but I'm covering all my bases.

Have you ever felt as though you're walking sideways? I see crabs everywhere going, "Duhhhh!" As disorientated as I feel right now? I've come to satisfy her thirst for my ramblings like the good, little dizzy blogger that I am!

I've been out of action these past days due to a viral bug, hellishly low blood pressure and get this......? Adrenal fatigue! Which we all know is a cute alternative to "stress". All except me, that is. I had no idea wtf doc was talking about. As my mouth opened to ask, "Wait! My adrenal is tired? I-I mean, my adrenal-in? Wtf?!? Hmmmmmpf! Trust me to be saddled with lazy-ass adrenal-----in!!!" But before I could judge my adrenal----in harshly? He quickly said, "Stress!" Musta noted the skewed confusion on my face?

There's always that one moment where you either begin to outright, panic or just, feel that everything's gonna be okay. Unlike that morning in LA where I could taste my own fear? I knew then that I was in good hands! Yeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Doc was super observant and quick on the uptake too, but?!? Because it's been a while since I practised fickle-arity? It didn't take me long to change my mind.

All it took was filling out my prescription? A sure sign that my fickle reactor was still in perfect working order. Forget that he was able to diagnose me from a few words and a pressure testing machine? Once I got to the pharmacy and saw that he'd prescribed me five tablets to take, aside from the two that I'm already having to take? That was all I needed! In the midst of a vigorous protest by my throat? He very swiftly turned from the good doc to some seriously offensive adjectives.....doc.

For want of not having my blog shut down by the Internet Offensive Adjectives Committee (I bet you that the IOAC actually exists!) I can only describe those adjectives as @+*#:;?!@#####!!!!! But more importantly? Lent begins today and if you can't be symbolically offensive, then? You have to wait 'til after Lent is over.

Throughout my life, many a year of Lent have passed by. But what always stands out to me is the Thursday to Sunday of Easter! I've never been one of those deep thinkers, you know? Then again? Maybe I was, and just didn't share my thoughts....with myself. But I somehow don't think that because Jesus reverted to being alive on Easter Sunday? It meant that, we should then revert to being who and what we were before Lent began. Merely my opinion! I'm not tryna start a religious war. I'm sick. So? Just saying. Why not allow Lent to make you a better person forever, instead of for just forty days.

Last night while scrolling through my news feeds on Facebook? I was inspired by Ellen's Kindness Week and because of that? Paige got her hair ironed by me despite the state I was in. And after that? I posted a status on Facebook that read, "Have you done something kind for someone today? There's still time!"

I received some comments on it, all of which were great but two of them said that they would adopt that concept for Lent! Which thrilled me because it's my way of knowing that I've inspired someone, positively. Just like Ellen had inspired me. And that's what paying it forward means, doesn't it?

Personally? I've witnessed many, including myself, fall off of the "giving-up wagon"! And then you're guilt-ridden, because all you're seeing is that image of Jesus on the cross, and then being mind-thrashed by thoughts of, "He sacrificed His son for me and I couldn't even sacrifice chocolates?" And then you look around, the refrigerator is glaring at you. You turn your back to it, only to see the dishes giving you that same, "Shame on you, look!" You take one more bite of the Snicker Bar in your hand before you toss the last, very small, piece in the trash, outa embarrassment that you've failed in the company of your cutlery and large household appliances! While still chewing. Which then ultimately causes you to turn to the bottle for solace and retribution as soon as Easter Thursday comes around! Excluding me. I turn to marshmallow Easter eggs.

That's why I feel that adopting a kinder heart over Lent? Where your sacrifice comes from within. Where you're giving a piece of your own goodness to others instead of giving up the goodness that you are well aware you're addicted to? Is a really good idea. To instead, sacrifice, selfishness, over this period and hopefully have it become so ingrained in your person, that you don't actually stop once Lent is over?

Think about it. Seven billion people in this world...... tryna fit in....uhhhhh?!? That's a Justin Bieber track, sorry! Although? While we're on the topic? His voice? In that song. I love it because you can tell just how much it's grown and matured over the years. But I'm not here to stroke Justin's ego.

I'm here to stroke the ego's of many, many more people in the hopes of making the world a better place! Even if it DOES only last for forty days.

Thank you Ellen!
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The End is Nigh

Just looking at the date?  And guess what!  It's down to thirty six days 'til I see Geese again!  Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy us!  Because he will see me again tooooo!  :-)!!!  I can smell the floral scent of the airport.  Oh, wait?  That's the detergent I just threw in the washing machine.  Peep this!  And lemme tell you?  You don't appreciate your own emotional strength until you're in a relationship with someone who has an international dialling code before their telephone number!  

I couldn't have done it without him, though.  And I don't mean?  Be in a long distance relationship.  That would be like, "Duhhh!"  I'm talking about getting through these months with him there and me, here and all that happened in between!  Pirates invading ships and shit!  Lol....get it?  In between?  The ocean?  South Africa and the United States?  Pira....?  Okay, I know a bad joke when I type one! 

Ima leave that alone for now.  Rather tell you why I’m this excited!  The wait since my last visit?  Drumrollllllllllllll please........................................................................................................................................?

About FIVE HUNDRED AND FORTY DAYS. 

THUDDDD!!!!!  O_O!  I just passed out in my imagination!  Wait?  Ima do it again...

THUDDDD!!!!!  You should try this! 

^_^  See that?!  That's a smile after TWO THUDS!  Huh?  No, not two-thirds!  O_o!  Two-thirds of what?  Plus I hit my head hard the second time.  I'm telling you?  I might’ve just staggerred upon the fantasy of alllllll pain-fearing people.  Finally?  A painless way to hurt yourself!  It's like?  Come-onnnnnnnnnnn, try it!  It's like passing out on your own behalf!  I know I might seem a little too ambitious but now I can't WAIT to bunji-jump... for me! 

If liquor didn’t set off my sinus?  I'd be “poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard........”  Three days before departure!  Then use the next two days to recover since I---and this is why?  Limits are so crucial.  I went slightly overboard with the celebrating...like a G6.  Bwaaaahhahahahahaha, whatever the hell that means!  That song is on repeat in my head for some reason. 

But then?  The sneezing?  And sniff, sniff.  Wishing for sweets.  That comatose feeling?  Partly from the sinus, and partly from realizing that you still have to do your evening duties!  Regardless of the fact that your sensory organs are either without sensation, itchy or simply out of order....Uuuuuurgh!  Then Paige suddenly has urgent business to take care of.  Somewherrrrrrrrrrre!  Other than where I lay in thorough wretchedness, five minutes into the forehead massage she’s giving me. 

I don’t know what’s worse?  The sinus attack or....?!?!  The hollow feeling that washes over you when you’re eyes are jusssssssst starting to roll back and then?!?! 

“I’ll carry on just now....okay, Ma?” 

>_< 

Experience has taught me that it takes a good few minutes to set your eyeballs straight and find your bearings in time to stop someone running to get away from your forehead.  When allllll you really wanna do at that point?  Is merely lose all pride and dignity and....beg.  But she’s gone by then.  You know how in Titanic when her voice goes and she’s like, “jaCk...jAck...Jack...!!!?”  But all you’re hearing is crackled whisper?  Yeah!  That’s the image that comes to mind as I’m typing.  Sometimes she does return.  I’ll give her that much!  But who wants to take that chance on Day 3 pre-departure?  You know? 

Sneezing aside?  I do enjoy being made with a built-in alcohol repellent.  Natural!  Tartrazine-free and...?  Like raisins?  We don’t expect it to contain any traces of peanuts!  And yes¸ I did say “made”!  Aren’t we made?  Like, if you ask a child.  Not even ask a child.  If I ask you?  “Who made you?”  Provided you’re not a smart-ass, you’d say, “My mum and dad.”  Right?  Unless you were grown in potting soil.  Which I doubt.  But I guess that would depend on the story you were told as a child.  We all have our own unique adventures of how we came to be.  You migggggght wanna do some research if you could relate to the potting soil....on any level.  Just-just saying.  Me?  I was told that I was practically thumbing a ride from off the emergency lane of the freeway.  In my newborn state.  “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  A-hem...ride please?”  However?  The emergency lane?  That is purely an assumption on my part.  Coulda been in the middle lane, shrug.  I-I wasn’t there.  Yet.

I’m just thinking?  Geese would never ever have to sprinkle anti-booze on my dinner while my back is turned!  What a life, huh!  I'll never ever have that fear of feeling as if I'm on the verge of death and he will never ever have the fear of looking at me, thinking, "Tsk, tsk, tsk....I told her those last six glasses would be too much.....now look what she made me do."  Every weekend.

I just lost a staring competition with a Snacker bar!  Shameless!  The end is nigh once health bars resort to temptation tactics!  I mean?  Just laying there like that!  That’s okay though, I made it disappear!  And now?  I can only concentrate on the fact that I'll be more than delighted when I reach the end of these next thirty six days!  I missssssss him!  

Well done to the Baltimore Ravens on their Superbowl win!  Whoooooooop-whooooooop!