It’s Time

I was sitting and staring out of my car window in the slow moving traffic yesterday, wondering how it was that the sun was stinging my face after it had just been storming a very short while before that and then all of a sudden?!?  

The traffic began moving faster!  Heh-heh-heh!  Got!  Ya!  You thought something extra-ordinary happened, huh?  You’re just a drama-holic, aren’t you?  I saw your eyes widen...I saw you inch closer to the screen....but...Hahahahahaha...no!  The dinosaur bones that they found some time back didn't grow into a somethingasaurus.  Neither was it spotted being ridden like Zoro down the Spaghetti Junction by Malema yelling, “This traffic is racissssst!”  That only happens in the movies.  And dreams.  

My dream last night?!?!?  Probably packed its bonny bags and set out in its quest to become a movie ‘cause I can’t for the life of me remember it. Do you remember most of your dreams?  I seriously hate that one dream where I keep finding money on the floor as a child.  Like an endless trail of money.  It’s overcast and damp and somehow?  Only I’m walking on this path.  As a child.  Should a child honestly be walking alone on a damp path...on an overcast day?  Lucky the welfare didn’t see me.  Shewwwwww!  My parents might have been at work.  I’m sure they were.  Unless they went to Natraj?  Dunno?  

But where were the adults in the community to tell me, “Children should not be walking alone on overcast days...on damp paths covered in money!”  Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.  Communities aren’t what they should be.  Everybody should be your mother and father in a community.  Good lawwwwd!  Just thought about how many beatings a badly behaved child would get, just on their way home to their real parents for their real beating!  >_<!  Reallllll sore!  Even this silly little example?  It tells you that if everybody didn’t mind their own business when it came to raising the youth?  They might be too afraid to mess up, again.  I say again, because sometimes, kids don’t actually know that they’ve made a mistake until they see the consequence of it but if we each had a community of parents?  I can bet you 9cm’s off the inner thighs, that we would not repeat previously unknown potential mistakes.

That’s why they call it a “community”.  Commune, means, together in one place.  –ity?  Is city without the c and bares no significance on what I’m trying to say but?!?!  Thank goodness the only harm that came to me from that dream was that I woke up a half-broke adult!  Things could have been alot worse.  Could’ve gotten ugly if I happened to notice that somethingasaurus secretly strolling behind me.  

I-I said half.  The other half is trying to get back into that dream, bury all of that unconcerned money, yes unconcerned, it was just laying there, unconcerned...record the co-ordinates on a page, save it on the memory card of my cellphone and then back it up onto my computer, so that I can return to dig it up as an adult.  Nobody would care that I was walking on a damp path....on an overcast day as an adult.  With a spade?  I just told you guys the other day, that certain? 

Certain!  Individuals, which I shall not name!?  Mainly because I don’t know their names...Are walking around with scissors!  How’s this!!!!!!?>>>>>> and nooooooh paper to cut.  So, if I began walking around with a spade?  Whose gonna ask me where the heap of sand is?  Not-a-body!  They might look at me funny.  They might look at each other funny.  They might even mumble, “Poor thing?  Can see she’s divorced.  She has to do the digging herself now.”  But to me?  They shall say not A word.

And that’s our problem, isn’t it?  Too often, we say alot, but not to whom it is that needs to hear it.  It happens in families.  I know it does in mine.  Communities.  Cities.  Countries.  Which is why Eskom will continue to increase our electricity tariffs by 16% on an annual basis while we curse them in seventeen foreign languages under our breath and not to their face!  We don't even write them a letter!  I’m guilty of this myself.  Not putting up tariffs!  Come on now...concentrate.  I’m on the other side of the fence, just like you.  The unfortunate, consumer side.  Where it’s thorny!  As well as damp and overcast.  We don’t get to put anything up!  Except for our blood pressure on pay day!

But even in saying that?  It feels somewhat insignificant right now.  People have lost everything, including their lives in Hurricane Sandy.  This is a time where families, communities, cities...even countries need to reach out a helping hand to those left to overcome this devastation.   This is a time, when “commune” matters most.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Hurricane Sandy

Praying that everybody that I know annnnnd don't know on the East Coast of the US is safe and will remain that way until the storm is over.

Go nowhere!
Do nothing!
Say nothing!

Okay, okay...Say things.  I pushed it a bit there but I was in the zone.  I was even typing it in a special voice there.  Like a deep, movie trailer voice. 

Say things......but don't venture out, alright?  

God Bless you all!

Tales of the Hairy Kind

Sigh.  

Just!  Sighhhhhhhhhhhh!  

When people start stealing wigs off other people’s heads and turning a day at the movies into secret salon visits?  You know things have reached rock bottom!  The very bottom of fungi'd rock!  A green slippery rock!  At the bottom of a sandy ocean!  I’m not saying that we should strap one of these thread thieves to the bottom of a slippery, green, fungi'd rock just to see if they'll ever eat crab again!  I’m just saying...it could be an idea.

Apparently, they've been a-snipping people's hair off in the movie house too!  I went to the movies yesterday and said a soundless prayer, “Dear Lord...by your grace, please let me leave outa here with the same amount of hair that I came in with?”  Ohhhhhhhhhhh, you think I'm joking but I'm not.  No no noh!!   Ay?  A word to the wise?  You might wanna super-glue your wig...but then again?   No!   That might cost you your scalp.  Like that woman on one of the first episodes of Fear Factor South Africa who was strapped to that automobile and dragged around on the rubbled surface until the poor, unfortunate soul, landed in the hospital.  SMH.  You know what I say?  I say that if you can’t come up with an idea yourself?  Don’t be going overboard where you’re half killing contestants just to be more fear factorish than the actual originators of the series. 

We tend to do some dim-witted things in this place.  I stopped watching Survivor South Africa, because of the same foolishness.  To me?  Personal opinion, okay?  The name of the game in Survivor is being the last man standing.  Neoooooooooooooh!  Here?  You get voted off, somehow brought back on, and winnnnnn!  Huh.  Uhhhhhh!  I was like, Fear Factor?  Write off.  Survivor?  Write off.  I’d rather watch a kettle boil.

But now...back to our local version of Survival of the Hairiest.  My mum and her partner in crime, Aunty Di, enlightened me about this new craze and when I get to her house tonight.  I’m turning it upside down looking for that article!  My question is this?  Are wigs in such high demand all of a sudden?  Too many orders?  Not enough strands?

I don't know exactly how this works now?  Is it like the car theft syndicate?  Stolen to order?  Someone comes in, “Hi there...I need a wig, straight, black with some blonde streaks”  They tell'm that it'll take approximately two weeks?  And then the hair "detectors" are sent out to source, cut and deliver?!?  Wtf?!  What!  The!  #*@/!!!!!!!!?!?  Have these people not heard of an honest day’s work?  Hell is gonna be overcrowded just like our prisons.  I mean?  You gotta watch the hair on your head now?

And not only that!  Not only are you getting scalped?!?!  But now, it’s your problem to try to think of a less idiotic way of saying this when you go to report it 'cause...okay?!?  Let's be honest!  If you're a cop?  How straight can you keep your face if someone comes in looking all bedraggled and traumatised and wild-eyed, talking 'bout, "I just had my hair cut in the movies!!”

Officer, “Uh-huh!  Looks very nice ma’am.”

Victim, “NO!  NO!  It doesnt!”

Officer, “O_O!”

Victim, “I-I don't know what the stylist looks like!  I didn't even see the scissors!  My eyes were glued to the big screen 'cause mannnnnnn!!!!  Liam Neeson was #*@+"ng those foreign avengers, upppP!  I mean, beating.  A-hem!  Sorry officer of the law.  Didn't mean to curse, but my hair?!!!!!  I just ironed my hair, with a GHD!  Not just any ol' iron!  A GHD!  Took me a whole hour!  And now?!?  Look!!!  Do you think I would deliberately go and cut my hair like this?!?"  Pausssssssse.  "W-wh-why are you laughing?  With your nose?  It's flaring like you're laughing under your breath!"

Officer can barely contain himself while she continues her tirade.  "Can't deal!  I can't deal with hair thieves.  Look?!?  I can't describe the perpetrator!  All I know?  Is he/she had to have had fingers!  And hands...or else that would just be weird if they had fingers and no hands.  And a pair of scissors.  You need fingers to use a scissors!  So they must've had arms too 'cause how else would they...?"

Officer bursts out in uncontrollable laughter!  "D@fu*k are you laughing at?????  I’m feeling breezy about the scalp and you're laughing!  Someone's walking around with my hair and you're eyes are watering from what progressed from secret nose flaring laughter to outright insensitive ROTFLYAO laughter?!?  This is why the country is in the state of hairffairs that it's in!  Now?! I'm the idiot, who had their hair stolen, standing here trying to get some support from you and....Meanwhile?  I still have my wallet!  How ‘bout that?!?!  But my hair's gone!”

Officer bends over behind the desk and screams, “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Victim, “Whose your supervisor 'cause all that laughing you're doing...?"   

Cleansing Coke

Mmmmmmmmm-hmmmmmmm! This time? That didn't mean a hug. It meant, chicken salad for dinner. Yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Salad! With chicken! Health-EEE! Nnnnnnnnn-see now? I'm feeling all gleeful and proud of myself and you're whispering under your chocolate breath, "There she goes again!" But?!? That's alright! I shall not let that deter my steadfast...my steadfast...? Crap! I just lost my train of thought. My eyes were watering. That's why. I yawned because I'm Sleepy in South Africa and now I forgo...Oh Oh Oh! Scureeeeeeeeeeeeeeech! The train just pulled back into the station!

Yes, people! I have begun my umpteenth attemmmmmpT to eat healthy again. At dinner time. Ay! It's a start, right?!? Which is more than I can say for Lindsie who snackwiched a peanut butter sandwich after the salad. Ewwwwwwww! That's like? Like? Dipping bread and curry in tea! Ewwwwwwwwww again! Let's not pay any mind to what I ate for lunch. The Milo Bar and sweets that I may or may not have consumed during the day is not what's important. What is? Is the fact that I ate alllll of my fresh veggies and protein and now? I get to enjoy the reward. Which is? Hmmmmmm? It's like a treasure hunt. Hidden deep in the sandy dunes of my inner self.

I must dig!
Nnnnnnnnnnnn! Not in the mood to dig!
DIG! I say!
Is it 3cm off the love handles?
DIG!
Do I have to?
Yes!
Aaaaaaargh! And see? More people would eat salad if they didn't have to go through this! If it was a case of finish the plate of salad? Immediate shrinkage of expanding parts?! One wouldn't need to equate healthy eating with getting their gum injected!

Dunno bout you? But I'm one of those people who will order a burger meal with a Coke Light! Who will eat every sugary item she can get her hands on but will not, under any circumstances? Drink regular soda! It's not my fault. The stars made me! I'm a Libra. Balance is key to my wellbeing. Which is probably why I'm hardly ever a well being! But if there's one thing I never compromise on? It's diet soda. Sob, life would just be complete if they made diet fudge! :-/

That lady at Weightwatchers scared the living daylights outa me when she told us that in one glass of Coke?!? You ready for this? There's nine spoons of sugar! Not eight or ten! Niiiiiine! What an odd number?!

I was like, O_O! Although? I can't actually tell you why I was soooh flabbergasted because at that point, it didn't affect me in the least whether there were seventy-six spoons of sugar in one glass of Coke 'cause I'd been drinking diet soda since Grade 9. At this point? I still drink diet soda since Grade 9.

Ohhhhh! Right! Support! That's it! When you join a weight-loss group? Just like AA, it's all about support! So of-course, now that I place logic above the fact that I'm typing with two thumbs and one open eye? The other one is just too tired to stay awake. I was shocked, IN SUPPORT, of the other ladies who did regular Coke but now couldn't. Poor things. I hope they went home and cleaned their car engine or soaked their small change in what was left in their banished Coke bottles. I got the email a long time ago too. That one on how you can use Coke to clean things. Or dissolve teeth. O_o!

And that! Was my handy tip for the day! If you're low on tooth fairy cash, just pour some Coke into the shoe or under the pillow! Wherever. Wherever you told your child to put it so you'd know where to creep in and make the trade. And that should take care of that! Shhhhhhhhhh! I seriously hope no milk-toothed children are reading this post right now. I'd have single-handedly blown the roof off of the "feel good" scam some person made up generations ago when they felt that they had too much change and nothing useful to do with it! How you're gonna explain that to your kid in the morning? You're on your own at that point. Of-course, I have some ideas, but that would be me spoonfeeding you and m-Mmmm...you gotta learn sometime. Just don't use the words "I had no money so I melted your tooth and now we're both broke," and you'll be fine!

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Scatter brained

It's been another rainy weekend.  I swear?  If I didn't know that I lived in Durban?  I wouldn't know that I lived in Durban!  Know what I mean?  Awww, so clever!  I was hoping that I didn't have to explain myself.  Explaining myself on a rainy day?  Uuurgh!  #1 Mood dampener right there.  When I grow up?  I wanna live in a shiny place.  Not!!  Not a palace!  I'm talking about a place where the sun shines continuously!  Evvvvvvvven at night!  Granted I’d miss the stars.  Uuuuuuh, but then again?  What would I make my wishes upon?  The white fluffy clouds?!?!?  That changes everything now!  And then, I just realized too that I'd be constantly explaining myself.  Especially if the people in that place didn't understand English!  Get laryngitis and shit from over explaining.  They'd be like, "We read your blog via the translator that day!  Look?  See!  It's not raining!  So?  Explain yourself!"  In their own language, of-course. 

Then I'm looking at them in my language, "Huh? O_o!"  And they're looking at me, "hsksifrrneljyafava hdifgkgfrakssssss aAaAgdbskdyfvg?"  That could be "huh?" in their language?  I don't know yet, but I'll confirm once I get to Shiny Island.  Oh, oh!  Forgot!  Strike that!  I decided against going.  Plus, just by the way they might say, huh?  It sounds like it rains a lot there, so...?  And when I looked at the brochures?  They made sure to choose people who appeared as though they spoke English.  Annnnnnd?!  And they made them stand in the sun.  Sniff.  Sniff.  I’m smelling foreign deceit.  Haven’t you heard that when things seem too good to be true, they usually are?  Besides, my instincts keep repeating, "hoarse throat" over and over again. 

Do you trust your instincts?  Many of us don't.  Or won't.  Yet, these are meant to be our inner voices of free advice before we do something that could cause us to have to run to someone who charges for theirs.  Penny wise pound foolish!  There have been plenty occasions where I've totally ignored mine because I didn't like what it was saying.  Heh-heh-heh!  Look at youuuuuu?!?  Pretending like you've never done it!  I refuse to believe that I'm the onnnnly one who tells myself to shut up about something I'm tryna tell myself to do or not to do!

I'm ignoring mine as we speak.  It's saying, with tears in its bloodshot eyes, "Go to bed young lady (so sweet to call me a lady), it's your turn to drive to work today."  But my stubborn ass is still here.  Typing this post with one sore thumb nail and one not sore thumb nail.  M-m.  Don't ask.  Just know that it was legal.  Okay, okayyyyyyyyyy!  I was making costume jewellery.  Gosh, you guys are addicted to whole stories, aren’t you?  I haven’t yet invested in the proper tools?  So I use my thumb nail, the side of my pointer finger, a tweezer and a nail clipper.  Remember the series MacGyver?

In my own defence, though?  This time I'm not doing that just to be difficult!  I simply can't sleep.  But you know what?  Lemme go and try again...I'll be back.

...................................... It's today.  Monday.  I either slept for two and a half hours or was kidnapped by aliens who were mad at the fact that they couldn’t read my blog in Alienland.  I dunno?  Possible.  Anything's possible.  So they came and erased my memory for two and half hours while they bluetoothed my blog file off my phone. 

I don't really know where I'm heading with this post.  S'pose I'm just reflecting what's inside of me.  The eyes are the window to the soul.  In my case?  You can't see me so?  The thumb tips are the window to the soul.  All of these different arrows pointing in opposite directions and as soon as I settle on taking a step that way?  As soon as my foot lifts to start walking?  A giant STOP sign appears like, "Are you sure you can live with going that way?  Someone or something is going to suffer.  Along with you!"  Do you ever feel that way?  And then it becomes?  But if I don't?  What will....?  If I do, then?  How does...?

FYI:  This popcorn is seriously attempting to do grievous harm to my teeth and gums.

Not sure how at ease you are with the unknown but I have never been an “unknown enthusiast”.  Probably why I've always hoped that I'd never find myself some place alone and out of nowhere?  Start hearing voices!  'Cause when you're alone and someone else is talking?  That's never a good thing!  Unless it's God.  But then?!  That's even scarier because you start touching yourself, possibly inappropriately, due to nerves, how embarrassing!  And looking around like, "Am?  Am I still alive?  Why is God here?  And doesn't He normally send Angels to fetch you?  Mannnnn?  Th-this?  This must be serious!" 

I suppose my fear of the unknown stems from never being a completely faithful person.  OMG?!?  Noooooooooooh!  You owner of a one track mind!  Not on a relationship level!  Just.  The belief that things will be okay.  And why, you ask?  I heard you ask.  Even over my very painful crunching!  This corn is killing meeee, I telya!  >_<  When you become a blogger?  You develop an imagination.  Or deliria.  So?  When I hallucinate that my audience has asked a question, it is my sworn duty to answer them. 

It's simple.  There were things that I've experienced that caused me to feel completely faithless.  One would think that theories like these are common sense but they weren’t for me.  I had to be shown.  A direct result of merely, living.  The thing is?  If enough of that goes on?  It hampers your ability to have faith in the situations and/or people that you should.  It causes you to doubt the outcomes of situations and/or people where the biggest part of you knows that you can be certain.  But?!?  Even in that?  I've come to learn that you have the choice on whether to remain rooted to an environment that causes you to ultimately become that way.   Just takes courage and a stomach for the unknown.  Me?  I lack.

I don't believe that people are born, doubtful.  Or untrusting.  Or afraid.  Hell?!?!  I would imagine that just leaving that bubble of warm water and forcing your way down into dry land?  Takes some level of bravery.  It comes from past experiences since through past experiences?  Your outlook on everything alters towards a bias of either good, or bad.  A baby's first step will always!  To me?  Be the most courageous moment of a person’s life.  It's at that moment where they're standing on their own two feet.  And risking a fall.  Trusting that they will be able to pick themselves up again or?!?  Someone will be there to help them do it.

This post is allllllll over the place.  Even I can see that.  I think what I'm here to say today, is?  And really, I want this message spread across to those young adults, who just like my own daughter, are one step away from the real world.  Honesty takes courage.  Especially since being accepted hinges so heavily on it.  Like a lot of other people, I've made grave mistakes in not being honest with myself. 

Be honest with yourself and others about the situations that you can and can't handle.  Be honest with yourself and others about your strengths and weaknesses.  Be honest about your abilities and shortcomings. 

I've learnt over these last years that the more you sell yourself for being a certain type of way?  For being a certain type of person.  People begin to believe it and then expect reactions, actions and results based on the picture that you have painted.  You might not even realize that you’re doing it.  A sub-conscious fear of rejection is just as powerful as any other type of emotion.  It causes you to say the right things.  Act the right way.  Do the right things.  In accordance to the beliefs of others.  

But, your day of introspection will arrive.  And you will then find that you've wasted a whole lot of time, trying to be successful at being someone else for the acceptance of someone else.  When you could have been just as successful at being you...

Time, that you will then understand, is gone forever.                           

All Grown Up

It's officially her last day of high school today.  I'm not certain of how it works in other parts of the world, but as at the end of today, she will only return to school, to write various exams on dates and times set out nationally.

Because she is my eldest daughter?  This feeling is very new to me and I never really imagined today to be as emotional as it has been.

All or Nothing

All I can say is this.  October 18, 2012, will forever hold a special place in my heart.  Special.  In a rotten caucus kinda way.  Nice huh?  I know.  I know.  I hope you weren’t about to eat.  I’m eating ice-cream mallow gums that are barely squeezing through the heartburn that’s lodged in my throat right now, but I’m persevering.  Why it’s termed, heartburn?  Beyond me, but who am I to argue with whoever came up with that.  Who am I to argue, period. 

Oh?  And horoscopes lie.  By the way.  Today?  Peep this!  Mine told me that I’ve endured the darkest point and that my future looks brighter.  Whoooooo-hooooooo need shades!  Grey ones.  Maybe fifty of them?!?!  O_o!  And to that I say?  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-CHO-HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA-KE-LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO-COU-OOOOOOOOOGH!  Unless it’s bright in hell.  Should be, with all of that fire.......nevermind.  Just being bitter while eating sweets.  While commenting to myself about the fact that there’s not a damn sweet thing about this bitterness. 

I have given myself permission to completely fall apart tonight.  Affffffter I take care of my domestic duties.  Leigh promised to bring me wine.  So...bottoms up!  Tomorrow, when I wake and am greeted by the harsh realities of a relationships end?  I might have a headache.  Hell, no.  No, I’m not saying hell no.  I’m saying hell, no.  Like no to saying hell.  Like I shouldn’t have said hell.  Like hell is a baddddd word.  Hell to the nuh-uh.  And let me stop.  There is such a thing as going too far, and I think I might have just skidded, tripped and fell over the border.  There was stone and I....   

So?  Okay...back to my future headache.  You know what I will never understand?  I’m saying this now.  Not after I wake up tomorrow with a headache.  I’ll make sure to tell you when I’m having a tomorrow conversation now.  Else, it’ll just be a mess.  Like love.  Love is a mess if ever I saw one.  For my new status resolution?  I’m thinking about giving up romantic movies.  What you think?  You know what I think?  I think that telling someone you accept something when you actually don’t?  Is not cool. 

Let me give you an example.  Let’s just say Aubrey says to Audrey?  “I was accused of stealing a pot.”  Audrey is like, “A pot?  You don’t look like a pot thief?”  And then Aubrey says, “That’s because I’m not but the pot thief police didn’t even bother to investigate whether I did steal the pot, and just went ahead and took it like it was the truth!”  So Audrey says, “Wow, that’s crazy.  But you know what?  I believe you.  I believe that you didn’t steal the pot.”  And never again mentions the pot stealing palava, even when Aubrey chose to talk about it, because I mean?  Who actually wants to be reminded of being accused of stealing things that you cook food in.  But more importantly?  By Audrey telling Aubrey that she believed he was telling the truth and never threw it in his face?  That meant that she accepted what he was accused of, and it didn’t make any difference to the way that she felt about him because?  She believed, in him. 

But if Aubrey bounced in and was like, “Hey baby, I was accused of stealing a pot.”  And Audrey?  “Whaaaaaaat!  A pot?!??!  Stealing?  Whatever do you mean?!?”  Aubrey’s like, “Just what I said, they didn’t ask me anything about where I was on the night the pot went missing, nothing!  Just...YOU STOLE THE POT!”  Audrey reassures him, “I believe you.  I believe that you would never ever steal a pot!”  But then??????  Finds every single gap she can find to throw it in his face!  Like if he walks into the kitchen all emotional and holds her from behind and whispers, “Thank you for cooking such a special meal for us.”  And she turns her cheek towards him and whispers back, “There you go expressing ardour for pots.”  Does that sound like Audrey truly did accept what he’d told her as the truth?  No! 

When I decided to get divorced?  After almost twenty years of an array of experiences with this person?  All that mattered was what he did that very last time.  Having experienced this, right now?  Whether I was right.  Or whether I was wrong.  I now realize that when you have reached that moment in a relationship?  And I’ve been on both sides of the fence.  Nothing matters.  Nothing is considered.  Nothing is more important than that very last incident.  It’s sad to me that ultimately?  The good?  Even the okay...at the end of it all?  Never happened.

 Life.  Love.  Happiness.  You can’t always have it all, now can you?  

Geese for President

I'm alive!  I'm alive!  Not to worry!  I didn't comatose from turning forty.  I quite enjoyed my birthday.  :-)  Sohhhhh much more than I'd planned.  Thank you, Geese!  Thank you, family!  And thank you, friends!  Not that...that I'd issued an official limit on the enjoyment like, "Tomorrow?  I'm gonna enjoy my birthday, 68%!"   Who does that?  Last year?  I thought I'd enjoy it 44%?  Dragged myself through the day but then I got home and Paige had surprised me by cooking up this dinner for me.  I was so happy, I cried.  Not 'cause I was hungry and I could eat sooner than I thought.  Just?  The added 56% was just too much for my tear ducts to handle.  The pressure....of happiness. 

That's why?  Don't wear mascara on your wedding day.  You could end up looking like the bride of Chucky and your pictures would be ruined.  Pictures paint a thousand words and all yours would be saying is, "Dammmmmmm?!?"  A thousand times.  Some people find out soon enough that, running mascara or not?  They unknowingly were the bride or?!?  Groom of Chucky!  Did Chucky’s chick have a name?  I don’t watch horrors.  And on that very rare occasion, that I did?  I’m concentrating more on trying not to see the horrific parts.  Let’s just call her Chucky.  Just for the sake of continuity.  Of what, I don’t really know but let’s just.  Hopefully?  Chucky's in prison now.  Enjoying his or her new position as the bride of Baba or Babe or something.  A-hem!  It happens.  O_O!  I hear your breath catch in your throat, like, "Myyyyyyyyyyyy word!  How dare she ramble so irresponsibly!"  Don't gasp.  It's unbecoming to gasp in public.  Behind your computer screen.  Where nobody can see you.  I, ofcourse, didn't cry at my wedding.  I was too busy getting married and trying not to trip!  Nnnnnnnnn...heels and me?  Smh!

I'm gonna be honest right now?  I'm falling asleep.  Because I'm tired.  And rightfully so.  Little sleep and a lot on your mind has a draining effect.  I’m still trying to figure out what’s our politicians excuse.  Mine is valid.  Hastiness would force me to say, lots of sleep and little on their mind but I might appear...too rapid in my judgement.  I was minding my own business when I got an email the other day.  Where?!?  Most of them were out cold!  In the hiz-house of Parliament.  That's just so sad!  So sad that not a soul thought to replace those seats with beds and a pillow.  Must I think of everything?  I would, reverse psychology, their tired asses! 

Let meeeeee become president.  Or Madam Speaker!  If that sleep in a hard seat doesn't reverse into sitting stiff and awake on a soft bed?  All future parliament meetings will be held in the deep end of a community swimming pool.  Naked!  Okay, no not naked.  Staying awake would be traumatic enough.  But see?  Attention will be paid thennn!  Now, won’t it?  Our batch of worn out officials.  See how fast you drift off into a blissful slumber with the constant, sobering thought of, "I'll wake up drowned" plaguing the sleep part of your brain. 

That's what we lack in our current government!  Innovation!  Thinking outsssside of the box!  Enough sleep at night!  An alarm that pierces the very centre of their eardrums should they even blink for over two seconds!  You know?  And Geese!  O_O!  What?????!  You have that, "Therrrrre we go again with the Geese this and Geese that!" look on your face.  He’s my hero.  Live with it.  I've always told him that he'd make a great president and I'm not being biased.  Neither am I being swayed by emotions.  I'm not.  If you ever had a chance to speak to him, you'd see why, no matter what?  I will always believe that he would very easily be able to lead multiple countries at one time.  And lemme tell you?  Far as here?  Thaaaaaat's when we'd see a "new South Africa".  This new South Africa?  Faker than an Abibas, I mean, Adidas, sold by those Nigerian street vendors on West Street.  Sorry, I don’t know its new name, and frankly?  I don’t care.  Pfffffffffft!  Geese would never have wasted time and money on new street names!  See?  See?       

Bye Bye Thirties

This will be my very last blog post. BOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO! Woe is me! While I'm still in my 30's, that is! ^_^! Hehehehehe! Gotcha!

It's crazy. Today? Today, I'm unusually happy. Not that happiness is wrong. Nooooooh no-no! Or abnormal. Everybody experiences it every now and again. Unless you're my primary school needlework teacher. Then >_< notttttttt so convinced that I shoulda generalized like that. I couldn't tell whether or not she liked me. Or anyone in my class. Or anyone in the school. Heck! I couldn't tell whether she liked. Period.

I can't help but wonder why such angry people become teachers? Is it revenge for an unspeakably dreadful schooling career? Or just plain ol' eenie-meeni-mynee-mo-type decision-making? "Ohhhh well! Okayyyyyyyyyy then, if that's where my finger landed, then my path in life is set. Teacher it is." Meanwhile? Back at the...back at wherever you come from? You kinda can't stand people. That would be like me becoming a nurse or a doctor. I'm not kidding. They'd be out of smelling salts by now. Worldddddwide. "I-iss that blood?!?!" DOOOOOOOF! And painkillers for when I came to. I hit my head on the corner of my doctors table. "They s-stabbed you...fourteen...ti?" DOOOOOOOF! Hit my head again. "Ravaged by a pitbull???????! Ohhhhh %&^$#@ NO!" DO-DOOOOOOOOOOF!!!!!! I think they just left me there that time!

I'm shrugging my shoulders while I blame the parents. You're paying the bill for whatever your child's finger landed on, right? Jusssss establishing rightful accountability. You know what kind of personality they have, right? Uhhhh-huh! You also know that to become a teacher, you need certain social skills. You need to be compassionate and patient and all those nice things, right? And there we go! If you're kid is grumpy and angry? TwenTy four seVennnnn? Be honest. In a ramble responsible typa way.

Say, "Child? I'm so proud of you for being eager to study further so that you can make a comfortable life for yourself. But you know? Grass is green. It loves being green. Don't you love being green. Sorry, you're not grass, are you? A-hem! When it's brown, it's sohhh unhappy that it dies. Plus?!??! Plus! It won't grow on concrete! Huhhhhhh! HuhhhhhhH!??? Clever! (Child looks at you sympathetically). (You notice.) Okay. No more dead grass verbals. Truth is that? We're all not meant to grow on concrete like stubborn weeds. (Sympathy turns to confusion.) (You notice). Look! We? As in your father? (pre-agreed blame shifting). Believe. Very very strongly that we shouldn't pay for you to become a teacher because we would be paying for you to terrorise little people. And that's just not right! We believe that children are our future. Treat them well and....just! Just become a wrestler instead."

And that's it. First you go for the sympathy? Then you lead to confusion! Then?!? Close with blaming their father while still saying, we. By then they're so sympathetically confused? They're possibly asking themselves, "We? How many father's do I actually have?" But what's important is that you have them where you want them because they don't know anymore what it was that their finger landed on. If you listen secretly from behind their closed door? You'll hear, eenie-meeni-mynee-mo again! Except now? It's a choice between wrestling and auditioning for Idols. O_o! Sigh...here comes another "talk".

I'm on such a high. Disclaimer: No weed was inhaled during the writing of that statement! The mind is such an amazing tool. Unless you've just escaped bondage at the claws of a big bear in a dark cave? You may have been into that kinda thing, I dunno. You had to have heard the saying, "It's all in the mind." I'm sitting here, thirty minutes away from turning forty and it honestly is all in the mind. I'm happy. Without fear that I'm going to begin experiencing middle-aged spreading like a melting piece of ice or that I will have to give up this or that. Well, except for cigarettes. Geese got on me about that the other day. He was like, "If you die from lung cancer, I will never forgive you!" That's. That's love. I'm going to make my own image. It will say: "Love is...being threatened with a lifetime grudge for dying!" It sounds as though I'm making fun of it, but I'm dead serious. SHIT! No. Not dead. See? Now I'm being less and less convincing. Cross my heart and hope to die! O_O! You know what? I'm tip-toeing away from this right after I say one thing! I really do like the fact that he threatened me for dying. Ofcourse, if I take it literally? I would miss the fact that he's telling me that he doesn't want to live without me and wants me to make whatever changes I need to make, so that, that doesn't have to happen, sooner than it has to.

Uhm! I'm a comebacker of note!

I gotta say. I woke this morning and made a conscious decision to enjoy my day! Come what may. My good mood shall stay. I didn't mean for all those sentences to rhyme, by the way. The poet in me sometimes feels the need to come out and play. Urgh. One second. I need to have a word with myself.

Alright. Now that I've grounded the poetic piece of me...? I can lift my cup of tea and bid a cheery farewell to my first three, very eventful...at times, very surprising, decades on this earth. And now? Let my life begin!

I-I was just playing living for the last thirty nine years! :-)
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Alien in a Hut

I spent Friday morning repeating to myself, "I am sooooh not talking to the weather right now! Hmmmmmpf!" Out of NOWHERRRRE? RAIN?!?! ....................................See? That's what puts me in a foul mood. I say "out of nowhere" and then one of my voices, the snide one? Chirps, "Out of the sky, you mean?" I'm having a hard enough time dealing with weather's latest, "Lemme wet people on a Friday," craze. Which means I have little to no tolerance for my sarcasm being used to get on my own nerves. I try to teach my voices that there's a time and a place for everything! Someone should've taught the weather that too 'cause I've noticed how, conventiently, it rains alot harder when we have to either run to get into the car or run from outa the car!

Hey! Did you hear? Apparently they found the remains of a dinosaur in South Africa! A something-saurus. Wendy said she knew Malema came from somewhere! Haaaaahahhahahaha! Doesn't it make you wonder, though, what other surprises are in store for us? We have the dinosaur remains. Malema's gag order that allows him to continue inciting the masses. We have life! Since the world was ending this year? And just like the lead character in Heidi with her pigtails? My mind skips off to the only next LOGICAL occurrence....

What would I do if ET and the seven dwarf aliens had to suddenly show up? The better question would be? What would youuuuuu do? Uhhhhhh...good try but I doubt karate would work. Lift your leg and they'd probably lazer it off with their eyes or something! Then you'll be hopping mad! Me? I might just mumble, "Hubahubahubahubahubahuba" repeatedly, while secretly using the one sliver of common sense I'm left with to beg the heavens for that to NOT be me degrading their mother in alien language. Grumpy alien would not take kindly to such disrespect. And ay? I'm not tryna start nothing with outa spacers! I'm all for peace. And me remaining in one piece. Or!!? I might pretend to be asleep. Even if I'm driving. I'll just be like, "Wendy! Taketh control of this, my wheel! (My life is flashing before my eyes and I've stopped at my high school years when we were learning Shakespeare) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!" I did that once. Only? I wasn't behind the wheel. I was behind Bree. In a hut.

See? The night wasn't young. The function was over. Our bodies were worn and weary from singing karoake. The breeze was soft but deliberate. So? Some of us went to bed. SHOCKER! The bush? Was high. SHOCKER! The stranger wasn't invited! O_o! SHOCKER! But obviously hiding somewhere among the blades and barks of the vast array of bush that surrounded us. All of a sudden?!? BAMMMM!!! Just kidding. He didn't barge in like that.

He cleverly creeped in like the thief that he was. Creepy thief! Thieves are just creepy! The creep comes in and we watch him through startled, slitty eyes! Can you imagine our dilemma???? Being startled yet forced to close our eyes when everyone knows that startled eyes are meant to be big as side plates? We watched him, attentively, while trying to control the network of confused nerves in the eye area, steal Lindsey's bag and I think someone's leather jacket. Wait? Was her name Lindsey? Whatever. At least I remember she was a her. Anyway, he came in? Stole the stuff and I layed there stiff as a corpse until he was gone! If you dropped me? I'd probably crack in half! That's how starch stiff my body was! O_O!

I wasn't the only one imitating a dead Coloured female, by the way! Bree was right there next to me. We were dead together. As dead as we could pretend to be while our hearts thumped like beating drums! We were in a hut! And beating drums matched perfectly. I thought it was a rather smart move on our parts. Well? We didn't move, per sayyyyy. But not moving was a pretty smart move. Whose tryna get a spear thrown through their heart when they're far from home, in a hut? Or worse? WORST than that?!! Hmmmmmmm, nope...Actually, that would be the "worse"! We weren't quite sure if he was packing a spear but you never can be too sure when you're in a hut, you know?

Ever since that day? I've never put my foot in a cemented floored, circular room with clay walls and a thatched roof, AGAIN! It's not like I ever planned on putting anything of mine in one to begin with but we had to help out with this work function, so? There I was! Hutting it. Wowwwww, I totally forgot all about that hut experience. Thanks for reminding me! Geese believes that I do that with any experience that I'm uncomfortable with. I push it so far back that it takes something specific to cause me to remember it.

What?!? What was I talking about again? Oh yeah! The rain and alien invasion....that's right. :-/

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

One Hundred And One

Congratulations to me!!!!!!  Yesterday.  >_< !!

“What are you congratulating yourself for?”  Well?  Seeing as you asked?  (I quite like the two-way communication we have going here!)  I’ve decided to start randomly congratulating myself.  You should try it.  Even if you’re sitting and doing nothing?  Just turn to yourself and say, “Man?  (Maybe Man is your name?  If not, then use it to express pride)  Congrats for just sitting there and doing absolutely nothing.”    It will either cause your eyes to twinkle?  Or?  If you were meant to be doing something more important?  It would serve as the perfect shove of ye ol’ toe-cap to the derrière.  I always find that once you bathe in tub of guilt?  It gets your ass moving, verrrrrrry quickly!   Pssssssssst! Check it out?  Adoption of such self-tricking methods could do wonders within our government, don’t you think?  I mean?  With all the absolutely nothings they’re so hard at work achieving.  And I say that with all due respect.  Ofcourse, with emphasis on the word...due!

Seriously speaking though!  And brace yourself!  Things are about to get soppy up on this blizzog....yesterday was my 100^th post.  ^_^!  I do feel proud.  Rambling At Random has quickly become my favourite little pet.  Thank goodness it’s not one of those hairy ones.  And I don’t have to take it to the vet for shots.  Or shoot it.  A-hem!  However, it does need to be fed constantly.  And that’s the part I enjoy the most.  Thanks to my ramblings?  I’ve interacted with people I haven’t yet met and have since met Debbie, whom I’ve never interacted with before starting this blog.  D-Did you see that?  You see how I just mixed...like from haven’t met then...with the whole Debbie and the met and the never interacted, but I still made sense?!! 

And I just realized something important too?!?!?!  You need to be commended as well!  Clap-clap-clap-clap!  You have faithfully read over 71,000 words at the hand of my fingertips!  Cue: emotional music.  Quiet please... A-HEM!  I’d like to thank?  Russia for the inspiration...Geese and Leigh and Debs and Mish and Isaiah and Sosh and Linds and Tyla and Sarel and Lauren and Shannon and Azra and Shariefa and Renaldo and Clifford and Eugene and Donavan and shewwwwww! If I forgot to mention anyone’s name, I’m getting old, okay?.....Alllllll my readers that I know of and don’t know of, from all the different countries and planets (covering my bases), for the constant support...and...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn?!?!?  I just heard a voice telling me that this is not the Grammy’s so, before my computer starts playing that embarrassing “shut-up now” music to cut me off?  Come sit with me while I ponder upon my own mortality!

Do you know what today is?  Aside from just being Thursday.  I am exactly just one measly little week away from turning forty.  The door to my thirties is about to slam shut!  Like this.  SHUT!!!  And yet?!?  I remain calm!  As calmmmmm as an ocean breeze in the midst of a hurricane!  LOL!  Jokkkkkke!  That was a joke!  I really am calm.  Really!  For real!  Not for lie-lie!  Hahahahahaha!  For Lie-lie?  Remember that?  South Africans?  Who were born in my era?  Wait?!?  Was that just a Coloured term?  I can’t say for sure?  Hmmmmmmmmm?  I couuuuuuuuld, just say.  But then I wouldn’t be sure.  Apartheid only fell away when I was an adult and by then, I’d?  Long stopped using that phrase.  We had very little to no interaction with kids of other races our age when I was small enough to believe that lie-lie would be found in the dictionary.  I’m gonna leave it at that.  Part of me thinks that it was just a Coloured thing.  Amanga-amanga?  Just, m-mmm, just doesn’t sound right.               

Geese has been worried that I’m gonna freak out soon, the closer to my birthday that I get.  But I haven’t needed to be put on medication or broken out in hives or anything yet so I believe that I’ve slowly become one with my true age.  Saturn must have collided with Mercury as it was trying to retrograde or something.  'Cause this is just not like me.  For IIIIIIIIIIII???  Am a raging stormmmmmm!  A worrier of the highest order!  A fluffy ball of stress!  Under normal circumstances.  Not that I normally turn forty...but? 

I’ve turned twenty-five a whole buncha times which was great until Paige decided that she'd grow as well!  "Drat!"  Fifteen-year plan ruined!  Just like that!  I never saw it coming, I telya!  I was not planning on growing old gracefully but then without warning?!?  She went and turned seventeen on me and then I couldn't bare the thought of being pretend-pregnant at eight years old so I moved on from my pretend-age and embraced my real age! 

Twenty-nine.  No.  Thirty-two.  Wait, lemme get this right.  Did?  Did someone just say, lie-lie again?  Stop distracting me.  Thirty two minus seventeen...>_<!  Aaaargh!  Hate the subtraction sums where you have the smaller number on the top and then you have to borrow and all.  Your luck if you’ve just happened upon a selfish only-child non-sharing number!   Nou gan die poppe dans!  Fifteen???  O_O!!!  Ohhhh hell noh!  Thirty-five then.  That's as high as I'm gonna go!  Bidding is now closed.  

Just an Ordinary Tuesday

I'm so tirrrrrrred right now, I'm practising my dance routines in my head to try to keep from falling asleep on the kitchen floor!  If.  I.  Was.  Your.  Boy.   Frieeeeend.  O_o!  Aaaaargh!  Start again!  If.  I.  Was.  Your...?  Confusing 'cause its like?  Shoulder, shoulder, together, down, up, turn, shoulder, shoulder, together, slide, back, back, back, HIT, quick forward, point, turn...

Annnnnnd?  I just yawned.  Which means?  Enough mental dance practice for the day.  Time to wind down 'cause I know, tomorrow?!?  Jarryd's gonna get us!  With the bars.  And the plie's that make our legs tremble and attempt to detach themselves from our body's so they can run home, have a hot shower and stretch out the burn!  Hahhahahahahaha!  I'm picturing coming home mad as shit from dance.  Legless?!  And seeing them comfortably crossed on the couch!  That's one time I'll take a belt to my own thighs!

WHAAAAAA?!?!  WHAT??!!  O_O!!!  HORRRRRRRROR!!!!  I'm horrified!  It's horrifying!!!  Noooh!  I didn't see a cockroach!  He just sent a bbm to say, no dance tomorrow!!!!  Crusher of-of-of?!?  Looking forward to things!!!  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  My mouth is open wider than that crying face on bbm!  Sob!  Practising in my head and all?  Sniff!  In vayyyyiiiiin!  The bars?!  And?  Burning thighs.  :-(  Named Tuesday, Danceday?  Just 'cause I'm turning forty!?!  Okay, he didn't say that!?  But I'm trying to find something other than the very valid reason he gave for cancelling our class tomorrow.  It's like the sun got munched up by an evil sun eating gorilla moon...or something!  I-I need a minute.  Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Alllllllright!  I'm calm!  Sigh...

You don't know this?  And how could you?  Not like-like you're here in front of me or something.  Just like, I'm not gonna be in front of our dance class tomorrow.  Hmmmmmpf!  Lemme not start up again, it's late.  Wellllllll?  That depends on which side of the Equator you're on. For me?  It's early.  Like the next morning!  I managed to sulk overnight!  And rightfully so.  I'm not Stella and I'm not getting my groove back, tonight. Apppppparently, I have to wait for seven more days.  The very thought?  My eyes droop with sadness.  If only there was a droopy eye symbol on here?  I'd show you exactly what Jarryd made me look like since last night. 

On second thought?  Lemme try. 

Looking.  Loooooooooking.  Hmmmmmmmmm?  ~_~  nope!  Too sleepy.  A-HA!  I know!  Insert symbol....I’m gonna look there, hold on a sec! 

µ_µ  

Therrrre you go!  It’s clear as rain that the person who came up with these symbols?  Never had their dance lesson cancelled.  If I was approached by Microsoft.  Now.  Today or even last night?  First symbol I would create is an open bracket laying curve up on the floor!  Look at that?!?!?  That’s the best I could come up with!   Ofcourse?  I’m quite aware that you could easily mistake those for my late grans breasts, but they’re not.  I won’t deny that they drooped.  Okay, hung!  But I cannnn say this!  She didn’t have cursive breasts.  And laugh....now!  You’re gonna get there too, one day.  Eleven children?  Stops being a joke after number ten!  Even your breasts are like, “WTF?  Another one!!?  Celibate much?”  But our poor grans were not offered birth control and I’m rather glad!  I can’t imagine our family reduced to only two hundred people. 

On the bright side though?  At least I have tomorrow to look forward to.  Taking a bag of trash down to the road has always been the second highlight of my week. 

Whooooooooooooooo and hoooooooooo.  :-/