De-cluttering isn't as much fun as people make it out to be. Hmmmmpf! Admittedly, I haven't personally met anyone who made it sound like a hoot, but even I know. There IS someone out there who does. Even might belong to a de-cluttering group, "De-cluts...." Or something. Mannnnn, I hope the brand name graphic designer doesn't have a touch screen and fat fingertips! That name could turn crazy in a hurry. Lol!
Now the clothessss??? That's a whole nother story! Before I knew that there was an official name for it, I've turned a t-shirt into a bag a skirt into cafton, another into a dress and some other t-shirts into cool crops for dance class but since I'd downloaded Pinterest?
HUGGGGE MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!
'Cause I'm thinking as I inspect, "hmmmmmmm....I can cut here, here and there! Here's when parting becomes a boat-load of sweet sorrows 'cause see, good intentions, right? Those bastards keep sneaking up on me and trying to get me to clean out my closet. Like I have space in my day for another to-do. But I play along. Hurting good intentions-----is bad. Least I can do is humour it. So I stand there. Pretending to be serious about looking at my clothing. They're just hanging there, unconcerned and unmoved. Rather confident in their knowledge that just like the last time, I won't be finding them new owners. My closet is open-plan----------not my plan, but I ammm grateful! Standing there, sizing up items that look like I wanna keep them and also look like I don't like them anymore.
The confusion begins.
Forgetting that I'm pretending, I'm on the verge of slipping them off the shoulder of the hanger and bundling 'm in a bag and taking 'm down to my mum to give away and then CLICK 'N FLASH----(my minds camera or my memory, I can't decide)----both already viewed upcycled images and possible future upcycling ideas begin to bash the walls of my mind.
ShiT!
Now? I'm in a dilemma of sorts. I gotta make a decision. To bundle or not to bundle?!
I then settle on the lame yet hopeful goal of, "Another time…" Which essentially always means that there'll be a really lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng gap between almost bundling to repeating the process and following through.
This bag though? I plan on making that at some point. Just need to get me to a craft store for that embroidery cotton.
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Everything in life, whether it be love, hobbies, driving, cleaning……….have requirements. If any part of those are missing……you might get away with it for a while but it will be difficult, or you might not because it's just impossible to succeed without it.
Just like I believe that not letting someone back in your life has nothing to do with forgiveness, you cannnn forgive and make better choices, it's possible. When a certain amount of shit happens at soaring, ruthless levels, then it has to become about your choice of WHAT you are letting back into your life as opposed to WHO you are letting back into your life. It can't be "Okay, I forgive you, now come back for round two 'cause uhhhhhhh, I just wanna see if I'll be able to scrape my broken ass off the floor a little better this time, once you're done with me."
Forgiveness is meant to free YOU regardless of whether whomever you are forgiving is still in your life or not. Ask God, He'll tell you. Often, you find yourself glued to the exact spot at which they walked away and while you are still mourning the situation either with sadness or anger? They're long gone, living la vida loca and not giving you or your unforgiveness a second thought. Pffffffffffft! Is that fair on you? Nope. But?!!! Who's stopping you from lavid--ering you own loca? That's right. You. And that's really the part that not fair on you. Blocking your own progress and know this………..Nobody can forgive themselves for you TO BE ABLE TO move on from them. For you to dissolve your grudgery. I knowwwwwwww that's not a word, just. Go. With. It.
Alright, let's---------let's pretend---------How you gonna know? Even if it did work that way. How you gonna know? I. Hear. Crickets. 'Cause ay, things blew the fuck UP and now y'all don't deal. And I don't blame y'all too. Things turned just nasssssssty!
Man, I love pretend worlds. Things can be however you want them to be.
Now, on pretend planet, is that person gonna send you a smoke signal about, "I forgave myself for my part in the explosion, you can now take the first step towards your healing……"
---frown---
Planet earth---------Only you can do the forgiving for it to matter to YOU and change what's inside of YOU! It's something that you do for YOUR OWN healing, for YOUR OWN progress from one emotional and spiritual place to another. YOUR OWN peace.
It's heavy, otherwise.
Too heavy.
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Sigh.
Haven't thrown up in I can't tell you how long but I did this morning. Uuuuurgh! I'd have remembered, even if it were fifteen years ago and the fact that I can't? That's how long it's been. Couldn't even finish my coffee! Ate my toast, sipped my coffee and rannnnnnnnnnnnn!
Just horrible.
Running is thee worst! >_<!
I managed to NOT throw up again throughout the day by not eating too much, even being at a party that I'd committed to being at. Which as you know isn't a problem since my appetite is nowhere near where it should be. I'm hoping that whatever is going on with my body, that it's over soon.
I've heard of husbands getting morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms when their wives are pregnant. I worked once with a couple who'd experienced that and I found it to be a beautiful thing. Hahahaha! I'm sure any guy reading this would be like, "Nooooooooh! Take that back! Take that back!!! That's yalls job!" but I've never heard of mother's getting morning sickness when their daughters are.
Just? Just, I guess, grasping at straws 'cause this makes little to no sense and I know for certain that that's not the case. But something is, somethings the case and I can't stand not knowing what it is. Surrrrrre, I could go see the doctor but all he's gonna do is push meds down my throat. That will leave me as uninformed as I am, typing this. So nope! I'm not tryna pay to be just as confused as I am right now.
A quick word. Take care of your relationships. Take care of that woman or man that you have beside you, especially if they're doing all that they can to take care of you. You might think that what I just said doesn't relate to everything that I've said before this but it does. It might be that I make sense of things in a different way to a lot of people but I know for sure that when anyone is feeling the way that I am, they want a lap to lay on and they want to feel loving fingers stroke their hair and when you have that, make it count, nurture it because lawwwd knows some couples under-estimate the power of touch and it's easy to take things for granted when you believe that you will always have it but once it taken away from you, you feel it's absence!
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I was reading earlier about meditation and chakra's and the Heart Chakra, in particular. You're shocked, aren't you? Nottttt so much! Yeah, yeah, I thought so. HA! Okay, so I'm pretty new to the theory of meditation and chakra's, to be honest. Haven't really taken the time to really read about it, but I am now and I'm very interested.
What it is, if you're unfamiliar, is in some Indian religions, a chakra, (there are seven chakra's in your body, located from the top of your head to below your naval) a chakra is an energy point in our bodies through which energy flows. Energy like, love, spirituality, well-being, self-expression, imagination, etc. So you have the Heart Chakra, Throat Chakra, Crown Chakra, etc. All representing these different emotional issues.
As far as the Heart Chakra, yup, I zoned in on this one first! Stop ittttttt, I am what I am, and that's a Libra. See? L for Love, L for Libra. Balance, peace and love are vital in my world. That's not to say that they always exist. But I s'pose that's why it's a constant search. I fall, I get up, I fall, I get up and I keep searching.
The ultimate goal is to work towards having an open Heart Chakra, or Anahata, since this is where love, compassion, joy, all the lovely things, this is where they flow through. This made me think. So much about so much! I'm still finding myself, in life, my place in it, for the most part. To be honest, I'm uncertain how to feel about that. I have questions. Questions like? Do we ever completely do that? Find ourselves? Or is it just a continuous ever-changing journey until we cease to journey?
I'm on the fence on that one. I mean, you look around you and some people don't seem to be looking for anything. They just seem to have it all together. All figured out. Life, love, marriage, family, career.
So this where I am at this point in my life. Trying to reach that place where I fully appreciate my own value, my worth, without always questioning whether all I will ever be are the bad decisions I've made. To recognise that if I am not at peace within my own self then I can't bring peace to somebody else. Sounds cliche'd but I can't express it any other way. I've been trying so hard to be a better me. Better than I've ever been. In all areas. Pulling on past experiences every so often when the need arises and letting the results of them repel me from repeating the same thing.
Half my life has been lived already and like many of us, I've made a ton of mistakes. I've wasted a lot of time pitying my life for things I've had control over but never exercised that control. I find it strange though, when I think about my life, that I divide it into two parts; before my divorce, and after my divorce. And again, before forgiveness and after forgiveness. Then again, maybe it's not so strange since they were both turning points for me.
Fear, at times, helps. Forces you to think twice. It can prevent you from mindlessly walking into someone's life and having a negative effect on it at the end of it all. Walking into someone's life and turning it upside down, or? Walking into someone's life and having them regret that you were ever in it. That's a fear of mine, added to whichever pre-existing fears I already have.
It's never the intention though. To hurt or be hurt. We're all better than that.
But the truth is that we're not better for everyone. For some, we're a storm, not calm waters. We're turmoil, not solace. And if we've already seen that we're not someone's peace or someone's "better", then we should take that truth and act accordingly. According to what we already know. We have to do that for those people as much as we have to do that for ourselves. Failure of any kind affects us, as much as it affects what or who has been failed.
Ultimately, I want others to learn to love and forgive and care. Care, truly. Not for show. Not out of feeling pressured to. More than anything, I want to be an example of all of these things. My life is not over yet. Which means that it's still possible.
What I need to do is continue to learn how. My life feels like a constant evolution. Inside. And out. Am I crazy to feel that way? I don't think so. Because are we the same people that we were ten years ago? Five years ago? A month ago? No. We're constantly experiencing, we're constantly changing and some experiences ofcourse, change you HARDER than others. Some make you think for a minute, while others cause you to change for a lifetime.
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Other than that, we did a little more sight seeing. We tried to get all of that done before Lyle left on Friday. We had dinner for his birthday at the Riverside Restaurant, was lovely!
Mum and I visited the school that Paige teaches at. I had to meet those kids, I'd seen video's and pictures of them for a year and meeting them was just delightful. What personalities, wow!
We finally did the temple visit. Very beautiful. Very commercialised. The monk? The monk in the temple we went into was texting and talking on the cellphone. >_#! My eyes squinted in confusion. I can only imagine what my face did. Sometimes, I clearly an't control myself. It's almost a reflex. I've been told that my facial expressions give me away. Far as where my thoughts are. I find that very disturbing because if I'm saying nothing, it means that I don't want someone to know what's in my head. Which also means that I'm being betrayed by my own face. -_-
I imagine a monk, right? And immediately following that image? Is a further imagined story of an extremely basic, simple life that they lead. So now it's your turn! Imagine, if you will, my surprise at finding out that it's not that way. I can't tell you how I thought they communicated? But I can tell you that I didn't know that they used wordly things like that. Here's why I was so taken aback! Lyle went in before me, the monk called him, said a blessing for him. It was his birthday and his goal for the day. Go Lyle!
So I go to kneel next. I then see a guy rush pass me with things. Like soap and other stuff that he's obviously donating and the monk completely forgot about me sitting there. While the guy is setting the stuff out on these gold trays? Monk pulls out his cellphone and starts texting. This is when the squinting started. That's the moment right there. Meanwhile, I'm still kneeling. Praying. Shifting. 'Cause time is passing and my knees are not twenty-one years old. Annnd I'm kneeling and I'm kneeling some more. I wanted a blessing. He then makes a call, the guy is still setting up this stuff. After another 5 minutes? I changed my mind about the blessing and walked out. It didn't mean anything to me anymore. Coming from him. We walk back around and on our way out, I then see them chanting over the donation while other people are sitting and waiting.
Not. Nice!
But hey? At the end of the day, who am I to judge when messages need to be sent and calls need to be made? It's not as if they're able to run down Doi Suthep mountain in a hurry. It's not exactly a small hill! Plus that just may be how they do things. Donated Lux soap bars comes first. Or something. Walking up to the temple, there is a boatload of stairs, strained my calves for three whole days after that! But that's not what's important! What is important is that it seems as if, here? Everybody works. From the youngest to the adultest! There are these little kids as you walk up the stairs, the cutest little girls ever! I took some pictures with them and them I'm teeth talking to Lyle very softly about, "Lyle, what do I do now? Do I give them money?" Just then the little girl stretches her hand out to me and says, "Put. Money." Question answered!
The next day, we saw an elephant show up in the mountains. Those elephants play soccer and basketball and paint pictures and act the fool too! I was amazed at first but then after I thought about it on our way home, I don't know anymore how to feel about that because I noticed that sharp thing on the stick that the handlers were holding. They didn't poke them. Then! But I do know that Dumbo didn't tumble outa his mum's vagina talking about, "Aaaaaaah, I think today?! Ima paint me a scenic picture with paint, a paintbrush and my trunk!" I mean? Do elephants know those words??? No! They have to be trained and I know that some cruelty accompanies that.
I think that was the last bit of sight seeing that we did.
Here are some pictures.
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I had no idea that that would happen on this trip. But it has. In more ways than one.
BUT?!? I'm calm.
Frighteningly calm.
Even after my "so THIS is why I HAD to be here right now....." moment.
I thought that I was simply coming here to spend time with my daughter, in the place that she now calls home, since she left just over a year ago, and on more than one occasion, I caught myself wanting the same thing. To make it mine.
Especially now!
You might be asking yourself why? Why especially now? Well? I found out this week that I'll have a grandson or a granddaughter either at the very end of 2016 or just as the 2017 begins. My daughter is six weeks and five days pregnant and I'm filled with tons and tons of emotion as I type this. You have no idea! All shooting this way and that way, up and down. Joy and then worry, excitement and then sadness, and I end at the realisation that at the end of everything, I'm being blessed.
The biggest source of worry and sadness for me right now is that she'll be so far away. From home. From me! From me! From meeeeeeeeeeeee and won't be coming back to either have the baby or to raise the baby. Her job, her child's father, her life? Is here now. I'm honestly not unhappy about that part, simply because I have to make a choice between knowing what's in South Africa and what's here in Thailand, for them. I HAVE to be realistic and selfless about what awaits her as far as their future, in South Africa as opposed to where she has now settled. All good and well, her entire family, except for Lindsie, is back in South Africa. And yes, we're all bummed about the fact that so much distance separates us but she would be coming home to no job, to instability, to a country that on some level, we all wish we didn't have to be stuck in because it's future there is so uncertain. I can't be selfish. I won't.
Crazy thing is that I fell pregnant with her almost exactly a month before she did, at the same age, 21 turning 22 years old by the time that baby is born. I am grateful that I've had some time to spend getting to know her boyfriend. I've both heard and seen that he treats her well, and that they're settled in their relationship and talking seriously about plans for their future together. Her father, brother and grandfather will also have that chance soon.
Mannnn, I'm also so excited, because that's my grandchild, my very first grandchild and no further explanation is needed as far as that.
I'm very grateful too that my mum and I are here right now. That we were able to go with her to her first ultrasound and doctors visit on Friday and when I saw that white little dot on the screen?
Everything became real.
Everything is REAL now and I'm not even tryna focus any thought on the fact that before the week is out? I'm leaving both of them behind 'cause if I do. I would possibly drown in my own tears.
The fact that our grandbaby will only know us but so much? That's pulling harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd at my heart strings. Urrrrrrrgh? Seriously though? What is it about me and long distance things? Now I gotta have a long distance grandchild too!
Really?
I guess at this stage, all I can do is offer her as much support as I can, from home, and simply trust God's plans for this situation. One things for sure though, I'll be back here as soon as my grandbaby is born! MissionSaveLikeMyLifeDependsOnIt begins as soon as I get home!
This heat? My skin? I had to go to the pharmacy to get meds for that too! You don't get sunburned but if your skin is as sensitive as mine is? You're gonna break out into one big itchy rash.
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The Grand Canyon here in Chiang Mai? It has got to be theeee most breathtakingly gorgeous piece of earth in existence! OMG!!!! And Sunday was a good day to go out there too. Everyone swam...not me! Hahahahha! No! Thank you very much. I don't swim in a hurry. Not if a shark isn't chasing me from the dry ground into the water and back out again. Yeah, then I'll breast stroke the fuck outa that swim! Other than that? I'll watch the bags.
We had lunch from the restaurant at the Grand Canyon and what I liked about that place was that compared to everywhere else I've eaten here, the prices were on par. It wasn't overpriced like a normal tourist attraction would be! You know, normally they're out there trying to help you go broke on ya vacation but not there. I had the chicken fried rice with a mixed berry yoghurt smoothie. Delicious is an understatement! Smoothies are quite popular I see. Dammmm, I had a mango smoothie the other night at the market, I swear it was like eating the mango itself! M-M-Mmmmmm! I really can't say that I've eaten something that I couldn't swallow so far.
We all enjoyed the view for about three hours and then we got back into our Song Thaew and came back home.
Been here ever since. It's just too hellish hot out there.
Tomorrow? Hahahahahahha! The temple is the plan...that's all Ima say for now. It's Lyle's birthday and he wants to spend it there and hey? I'm not complaining 'cause the wait has been longer and longer!
It feels like it's gonna be an early night tonight. Last night, it was another 3 or 4am night. It's not a matter of not being tired. It's more restlessness. 'Specially my legs? Can somebody tell me why I only have restless leg syndrome when I'm not sleeping in my own bed?
Got a message from my ex husband today telling me that Cruzzy isn't eating so I guessed it was because he was missing me and sent him a voice note. The dog. Yes! He's a person, too! -_-
I then get another message and a voice note back to tell me and let me hear that he's barking all sad listening to my voice. My heart sank! :-(
Dogs and their owners....
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