And now for the truth! My pinky chose "R" today, LOL! Sohhhh many topics come to mind. Like rainforests and rum and ripe avocado pears, even respect but today I wanna talk to you about RELATIONSHIPS. And with that? I'm going to post an excerpt from my book, Psssssssssst.
"Master manipulators like 'Jim', prey on the mistakes of others. Of that person that they're trying to reel in. They are so good at their game that if you're not attentive enough, you will not even notice that you're doing a whole lot of talking. Talking and talking while Jimbo is doing a whole lotta listening. Memorizing. Gathering ammunition to use against you to hurt you with should things turn sour or out of his favour. That's the modus operandi. To get you to talk and talk and trust and talk and talk some more and once they've heard enough and once they have you right where they want you?
You will notice a change in communication. It goes from them seemingly wanting to help or from actually helping and listening, to them reminding you about where you've been, how many wrong turns you took and then guilting you into believing that they are your knight in shining armour because they are still with you while they go down the list of, "I did this for you. I did that for you!" Behind the scenes? You know why they're doing that, don't you? Yes, it's because for them to be successful in their game plan? They need to ensure that your morale and your self-esteem remain at their lowest. That will ensure that they have a good little follower in you!
Do you know why?
So that they can do what it is that they came there for and that is to enjoy your complete submission.
And what do you do?
You offer that complete submission, eagerly.
Do you know why you offer them complete submission?
Because when you spirit is dragging around on the floor like dirt? All you're looking for is acceptance and that feeling of inadequacy that wraps around you like a winter blanket is what convinces you that maybe if you submit to him totally, you will at least measure up to a level, worthy of their love.
It's no secret that somebody who loves you without an ulterior motive, is aware of your past but does what they have to, to ensure that you KNOW that despite it all, you need not be ashamed, that you are still good enough to be loved and forgiven and taught and protected.
Nobody who loves you will….and I repeat…NOBODY who loves you will cause you to feel as if your mistakes are less acceptable than their own. Unless they are trying to break you. Depending on where you are emotionally, spiritually and all the other –ally's? They succeed, easily.
But hey, it is what it is and whether or not we want to admit that we are or ever will be fool enough to have fallen into their trap, the Jim's are out there no less. What you need to remember is that even though you have stumbled upon them, it in no way means that you have to stitch yourself to them.
When friendships begin this way, more than likely you haven't seen all sides of whomever you're dealing with. As a friend, Jim's sweet, caring, considerate, compassion side gropes you in. And once you're in? Jim has enough of your trust and emotions in the palm of his hands to safely begin to break you down, his way. Jim is a mastermind manipulator.
Once the other half of Jim reveals itself, you're already in too deep. You've taken the friendship to the next level and as time passes with Jim persisting with his ego-driven-confidence-bashing love-style, you will find that your spirit, the same spirit that he lifted during that beautiful friendship that you two shared, is constantly on the low. If you have found Jim, the belittler? Your confidence plummets from hanging by a thread before you met him to non-existent since you're with him because your gratitude has allowed you to stand right there, while he convinces you that you're nothing but a walking idiot with a vagina.
A belittling man relating with a woman whose confidence is THAT vulnerable will psychologically knock them the fuck out. Remember that taking the first steps after any huge life adjustment, is already a battle, even with support. A supportive, belittling man, however, will take you out of a bad situation into a much worse one.
Yes, I said, a supportive, belittling man. They exist. They will be there for you. They will walk with you through the toughest of times. But once they have? When they're mad enough at you, they will be sure to tell you when, how and why you deserved the treatment that you were victim to in your past or they will tell you how stupid you were to be in that situation in the first place while reminding you almost daily that it was them who had to come along and pick you back up.
It gets to a stage where you begin to hide problems and feelings from them for the sole reason of avoiding being put down and degraded. Don't ever forget that the fact that he found you broken is ammunition to this type of man. He found you at a place where you had already almost completely given up on yourself and he won't forget that. He won't let you forget it either. To make sure that you never forget that he is the one who replenished some of your confidence, is to his advantage. It keeps you in a certain place, mentally. A very, very grateful place. But should you try to stand up to him for any reason, he will think nothing of knocking you down five pegs by reminding you of where you were and how you got through it.
A selfless man, 'John'? One who has truly your welfare at heart, takes you out of the hole and covers it up so that you never have to look at it ever again. Think about this for a second? By 'Jim' constantly reminding you of that hole, is that allowing you to forget it? Or is it causing you to keep falling into it by reliving it each time that he throws it in your face? And if you keep falling into it? You remain vulnerable to the feelings that swept through you while being in it. Those same feelings that had you out there looking for that shoulder and that ear! Those very same feelings that led you to Jim to begin with.
When one is vulnerable? They are susceptible. And when one is susceptible to feelings of inadequacy, feelings of low self-esteem? They are easily influenced by negativity. Negativity about themselves, mostly. So, if you are constantly being brought back to those kinds of moments in your life, Jim's negative opinions about you are quickly accepted, by you. This is toxic because if you are accepting those negative opinions about yourself, from the man that supposedly loves you, when will you ever believe that you are better than whatever he believes that you are?
Hear this. You're not stupid, you're not useless and most importantly, you're not without mistakes.
There will never come a time when you're doing everything wrong. Only a time when you're doing everything wrong according to someone else's standards. You are not in any relationship, marriage or even friendship to conform. You are there to share parts of who you are, not change everything that you are! So please? If you feel as though you can't be you. If you're feeling even the slightest bit bullied by your partner? Do something. Have a conversation with them. If that doesn't work, have a conversation with someone objective to your situation. Not his friends, not your friends. I said objective.
When the excitement of the relationship wears thin and the compliments that you once heard begin to metamorphasize into only the "why can't you's" and "why aren't you's" and the likes? Hey look. You don't want to be a victim of that. It deflates your confidence. Places that deflate your confidence? Aren't places that you should want to spend time in."
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!
