You Think The Rambler can be Harsh? Check this out....

Columns 21.3.2014 07.02 am

I’ll stand up for the president

Finally that thorn in everyone’s side, Public Protector Thuli Madonsela, has released her report on Nkandlagate.

• About the Author

Columnist
Sibusiso Mkwanazi

• Share & Rate this article

 Email

• Multimedia

‘Nkandla Style’ video goes viral

She has lambasted the SAPS ministers, state attorneys and everyone else for letting the costs of the project spiral out of control, with a final bill of about R250 million.

As a journalist, it is my duty to be fair, objective and unbiased and with that in mind, I disagree with every single enraged South African, Madonsela and the official opposition.

This is the president of South Africa and it is vital that his organic chickens be kept in the most secure chicken run ever imagined, while his A-Grade cows have to be enclosed in the world’s most elaborate kraal, because after all, they will surely be used to pay lobola for the 100 first ladies that South African citizens will once again fund. Duh!

Mr President, do not listen to anyone who goes against you, as I believe you when you say that you had no idea what was going on in your own backyard.

None of us really ever know why tippers, architects and other service providers suddenly pop up on our properties anyway. You did not even bat an eyelid when the bricklayers for those low-cost rondavels were cat-whistling at MaKhumalo. Sir, how were you supposed to know that what started off as a R25 million project would balloon to about R250 million?

What your detractors are conveniently forgetting is that you only have a primary school education and this is evident each time you have to deliver a speech that has numbers in it. How do they expect you to know the difference between R25 million and in excess of R250 million, when it is all the same to you?

Mr Zuma, rumours are rife that because of some petty allegations of a tiny fire pool and a tuck shop that will bolster your security needs, you might not get a second term in office, and I think this would be the most tragic event ever to befall our beautiful land. Who would comedians look up to? Who would I be inspired by when I sit down to write this column?

However, if you ever decide to step down as our fearless leader, may I suggest you take up the role of ambassador for Teflon, as nothing sticks to you, sir; not corruption and rape charges, not the extremely sticky Guptas, not the adhesive Schabir Shaik, not even a Matric certificate, sir.

http://citizen.co.za/147375/ill-stand-president/

Speaking the Unlaughable!

Had a conversation with a friend today.
.
.
.
Sssssss.sss.sss.ssssss...s-s-ssssss (I'm whistling with my tongue against my teeth)
.
.
.
It's not finished so I can't tell you about it. 'Cause if I tell you now and then..'Cause see the ending, today's ending, right? Might not be tomorrows ending then I'll be lying. I'll be Lying At Random. Better still? What if the conversation turns from aspirations to asp...aspi?...aspirins or something wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to the North of our initial subject. Or South? What if the conversation goes South?

You've had one of those, haven't you? Those convo's where you just said something that you thought was @#*@?! hilarious and you're laughing sooooh damn hard that you start coughing and shit? Meanwhile, on the other end of the phone or table, the victim of your joke just gave the cat their tongue like, "Here, catch this. I need to drain this snorting idiot of all her comfort!"

Yeaaaaaaah! Whoooooooo-woooo! Have I been there!! There have been times in the not too distant past where I thought my sense of humour was hitting levels of putridity...LMFAO!

It's been a while....grinnnnn.

A-HEM!

Either way, that was until I realized that it's not me. It's the other person. It's their experiences and hang-ups that caused that reaction. Which when I think about it? Happens. It does. It happens. Ofcourse, we found a lot of the same things funny and we found verrrrrry different things funny too. But I've since learnt from disasters of that kind. I've learnt that even though its been scientifically proven that opposites attract? When relating to another person, that's sometimes just bullshit on a bun! Sommmetimes.

The people that I surround myself with now are like-people. By that I mean, like me in most ways. Look? Diversity is not a bad thing but when it IS a bad thing? It's a baddddddd thing.

But enough of that!

It's got to be one of the most uncomfortable feelings on earth to say something that you don't really know or think would upset someone and you're tearing the sides of your mouth laughing....then you hear, "What did you just say?"

O_O! (Intro cartoon sound when the characters eyeballs are going from side to side. Plop plop plop plop!)

You immediately forget what you just said too, huh?!?. Almost like that question in THAT scenario shocks your memory into blankness! You're looking in the mirror, I don't have a mirror by my phone, I'm talking about those people who do. I told you some time back, my vanity has limits. You're looking in the mirror or okay, just looking...at the blinds. Looking at the blinds and you can actually feel your face burn. Possibly because you're so nervous that you lit your left cheek instead of the cigarette you suddenly needed.

Now you're tryna remember what you said, 'cause you were asked. It would be rude to ignore a question directed straight at you. You're wishing that Telkom would mysteriously cut your line. THAT MINUTE! At least to give you time to remember what "unforgivably insensitive" thing you just said. Your face is on fiurrrrrre! SWEET JESUS! You're probably looking ugly as shit with that weirded out, expression on your face! Plus burnt cheeks is not a look that most people are able to pull off. Alllllllll because you asked a riddle or said something that evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvverybody else found funny. Well? Except for the person who didn't. You thought you were safe. There, there...I understand.

Me? I live to laugh so I take offence when I'm laughing and it's gotta lead to all of that drama. Laughter is meant to lead to happiness. I take offence to anything that could lead to me setting fire to my face. I've never experienced that though but I know this much! You gotta draw the line somewhere, right? Fires are for bushes. Or hiding evidence or something.

-_-

Whaaaaaaaaat?!?

They do it all the time on the Crime and Investigation Channel! You must not be paying attention. I'll bet OscaR's wishing he started some fires right about now. His ass is still up in that court room crying like a baby. I guess that's what you do when you're being faced with the deadly truth about who you've (cough) ALLEGEDLY, become.
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

My Weekend in Still and Motion

What a wonderful weekend! But don't take myyyy word for it! Lol...here! You can decide for yourself! And in case you were wondering, those WERE tv remotes being used as mic's until we were adequately hooked up!

Family is everything! Heart heart heart!




Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Really, Oscar?!?

Last night, among other nightmares? I had a dream that Oscar Pissedeveryoneoff walked free from this murder trial. Tsk Tsk Tsk! If that happens, then I'm officially psychic and it'll only be a matter of time before I run in slow motion in one spot while being chased by a four-headed monster just for the fun of it! For the fun of the monster, I mean. When I'm running, nowhere? It's more like, first I was afraid, I was petrified!

As I write this? My dad is torturing my mum with bouts of random yelling, "DID SHE SHOOT HERSELF!!!!?!? DID SHE SHOOT HERSELF!!?!? MMMMMMXM!" He ends the sudden rant off with a sharp, disgusted, snubby glance away from the television. It makes for a good finish, I must say. Ima use that one. As I wrote that, I was enveloped in gratitude...I'm so glad she's not a dog. Dammmm??!?! If you know my dad? You know his voice. Ten times THAT volume woulda bust her short little happy-go-lucky doggy eardrums by now!

On the positive though, instead of her air-smacking her hand in his direction and responding with, "Wait man! Wait!" While she's tryna listen to the lady on the street talk about her feelings on the case, she coulda just bitten him. When I get there tomorrow, ima ask her what she'd prefer. If she had a choice. I'll start the conversation off with something that Cruz did, even if I have to make it up and then I'll subtly sneak in, "Ma? Let's say you're a dog, right...?"

My question to you, my responsible ramblers? Anybody wish they committed a crime just so that they could employ the services of Oscar's lawyer?! DAMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!! The man is a PITBULL, isn't he! Goodness. Gracious. Me!! I know for sure that Zuma's given up his day job ever since the trial started. You know that too. HE-HE-HE! Don't be sideways snickering as if you're not sitting there, thinking that he's over in his living room salivating about allegedly raping someone or allegedly corrupting something just so that he could be represented by whats-his-face!

Ay, it's gotta be an experience! To watch a man twist a witness' testimony soooooooh badly where it becomes crystal clear that halfway through their story, they don't know anymore if they heard cat's bark or monkeys meeeeeow!! And that's right after they've barely gotten over the nausea of witnessing the accused vomit his guilt out into brown paper bags.

DAFU#*!????! Who does that? I'm sure whats-his-face ordered, "OscaRR! Show emotion! oRR. ERLSE!" Show emotion? Okay. That I get. But over-playing-your-role with the vom...HM-MMM!!! I never once heard that he vomited a drop of his Valentines Day dinner after he shot her, heard her scream, shot her some more and then shot her some more! Then whats-his-face reckons that when OscaRR's hyped up, he screams like a girl!

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhahahaahahahah!!!!! SMDH! I hope OscaRR is gonna sue the pants off of him, or is planning to...just for putting that in print! You don't wanna go to jail with that reputation. I'm not taking sides...okay maybe I'm leaning more towards the guilty until proven innocent, bias? I'm just sayinnnnnn...vomit when the situation calls for it!
You eat bad take-out? Vomit! You're mum forces curdled milk down ya throat, maybe she didn't like to waste or something. I can't think of no other reason that she'd wanna do that to you. You vomit! I know! I know! When you were a child, you vomited wrong, so she was tryna teach you as a teenager, how to vomit, the right way 'cause let's be real for a minute. Ever notice how when kids vomit? They make sure that they're either onnnnnnn the bed, or near enough to a carpet? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!? You wouldn't mind if they're running to the bathroom and vomit on their way there, on the FLOOR! Where all you would need to do is wipe it up. But then they gotta be all nasty about being sick. Now that I think about it? I'm pretty sure that that's the reason you got the curdled milk!

Anyway. I'll be back soon with an update on what OscaRR did in my dreams or what other horrid rumour whats-his-face started to prepare his smooth path to jail. He screams like a female? Hahahahahhahahhaha! WHAT?!?!

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

The Cost of Procrastination

Every fantasy, every dream, every wish she'd ever had
She was leading lady and he was always her man
She didn't know him then but she had hope that he was out there
Searching for her too, searching for her everywhere

That girl is all grown now but she never once let go
Of the possibility that they'd meet and a love would grow
She musta wished real hard because his path led him to her
He knew, she knew, that was their moment for sure

It would exist, never die, whether near or from a distance
It would outlive every obstacle, every challenge and circumstance
It would be bigger than time, than ever changing seasons
That love that she'd longed for was stronger than reasons

Lucky for her, her every wish was granted
Where sometimes she would feel like a princess enchanted
Though she'd learn that nothing worth having was ever easy to keep
With life playing its games but their love was too deep

'Til she would wake one day and realized that she'd lost
That through procrastination she would pay the ultimate cost
He couldn't wait, she wouldn't move, he needed a sign of some sort
It would come when he wasn't looking, she'd given up, he had thought

Her dream, her fantasy, her wish, would be torn to pieces
When he'd move on without her, her gleam turned into creases
Though their love lived on, that's all it would ever be
A timeless entanglement of two souls, infinitely

Stacey Kell
South Africa

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

So We Think We Can Sing!

We're off to karaoke! I'm sure I'll have some stories for y'all when I get back! LOL!

Lalalalala
LALALALALA
LAAALAAALAAA!

Jus practising, don't mind me...
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Conflict Management

I'm still here! Been putting the second draft touches on my book as well as battling the heat! D'you know what a hell pit it's been here lately?!?!? Woahhhhh!!!! And by that I mean, woe!!!! Is us! We're walking around here like wet fowls, dripping from head to toe in hotness! Wait, hehehehe, I think I should rap about it!

Woe, whoooooooah, woe!
Dis heat got us dripping from head to toe
Da sun it aint playin'
Just got us all sayin'
Phewww! Dannng! What the hell?!?
Dis heat got our ankles a-swell!
Eskom be sayin, put them ac's on twenythree's
We're like, huh?!? Ya'll tryna bring us to our knees
Den just for askin' that simple question?
Dey turn off the lights and say electricity recession!
Hmmmmpf! No warning, just be pullin the plugs!
Havin us leaving wet trails like dem nasty ol' slugs
Melting like someone done sprinkled salt on our backs
Can't hide our steps coz da sun got us leavin' tracks
Woe, wh

LOL! Lemme stop talking hogwash...rapping...hogwash and get down to business! The business of sleeping. ZzzzzzzzZzzz! Okayyyyy, alrighhhhht, I'll wait 'til the ennnnd of the blog post to ZzzzzzzzzzzZ! People are so sensitive these days. Why can't we all just sleep when we need to?!? Eh! I've been needing to sleep a lot these days. 'Specially at work, dunno if I'm being tested or what! To see how I handle conflict. Yep! It sure does feel that way. That I'm conflicted, tryna stay awoke but tryna sleep at the same time. It's tricky! It's like hearing theeee best joke and fighting against laughing! O_o! I'd never survive that.

Other day, I was sitting there, doing my work. All of a sudden? I hear a LOUD BANG! Like, BOOM! I know you're over there saying, OH NO SHE DI'INT! And you'd be right! Oh no, I di'int! It's funny though, isn't it? How everytime there's an "all of a sudden"? We immediately think that something loud s'posed to have startled us! You wanna know what startled me? I bit my damn tongue! >_<! Don't laugh! No, no, don't laugh! It woke me hectic! It mighta been my teeth's way of protecting my face? Not sure. But thank you, teeth! You saved me from what coulda been an embarrassing situation had I needed to walk over there to ask my boss if I could leave to see the doctor.
"Why's your nose bleeding?"
"I was pretending to meditate 'cause my eyes wouldn't stay open..."
"So? You were asleep?"
"Sleep is such a strong word! I'd prefer to say that my face slipped for no apparent reason..."
"Get out!"
"O_O!"

I'll bet the heat caused that. Or my upside down insides. Not fair to single out the heat like that, it's cooler today and I dowanna make the cooler weather fairy mad! Ya never know when she could stumble across ya blog and then be like, "Okay, ingrate...ima roast ya Coloured ass jusssssssss for that!"

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

How They Do That?!?

I simply cannot fathom that it's already March! SMDH!

And then? I put my mouse into my laptop bag, right? The chord wasn't tangled. I repeat! Was not tangled! I then wake up illegally early this morning so I was like, "Sighhhh, Well, I AM up. Why not start singing at the top of my voice and wake Paige up too?" I shouldn't suffer through this alone. All for one and one for all.

Then I remember that on an ordinary day, like when nobody's doing things they shouldn't be? 'Cause sometimes, she forbids us to speak. Damon and I are in morning noise prison. :-/

So with THAT in mind. THAT she's not a morning person on a normal day? I really can't tell what her reaction would be if I startled her awake tryna reach notes that would shatter eardrums. And I'm not tryna find out either, she's strong plus if she thinks I'm a burglar with a high pitched voice? Eeeeeeeven worse!!! For me. And I've got big plans for my future, you know? So what other option did I have but to tiptoe on the side of caution?

Then I go to plan B, "Lemme, transfer my written edits from my book to the laptop, then when I'm done, transfer the updated version to my secret hiding place." YEAAAAAAH babay, fathom THAT!!!! All women should have those. 'Cause we have allllll sorts of things to hide. Celluliiiiiiiite and grey hair and...know what? Let's forget about that for now. Unfortunately, I don't have one single cupboard that locks, >_<! Not that I woulda been able to keep my cellulite in there but in keeping up with that tradition, all I can contribute to that initiative is to hide electronic documents. Ay, ima team player, what can I say?

Hmmmmmmmm? You shoulda never asked me that.

I can say, if it's anything but sports. Don't choose me for the ladies soccer team, I'm fine with being the last person to be chosen. IF it's sports. Actually, you'd recognise me by looking for the person standing there, staring you down. Yep! Deep, deeeeep in thought. In life you have the thinkers and the players. Since I'm not the player? I'll be thinking of ways that I can break my own leg just by staring at you.

A-HEM!

I saw little to no danger in that plan, so I went with it. Wait? Which plan was this again?

Scroll

Scroll

Scroll

Plan B, update future hidden documents. Got it! So I open the bag and the take the mouse out! The thing is TANGLED TO A STANDSTILL! In March! On the 1st! O_o?!? Immediately, I start wondering whether it snuck out to my cousin Inky's social club Mardi Gras dance that they held last night? But then I remembered, "Uhm-mmm, it doesn't have a remote for my gate."

As I sit here right now? I'm confused.

I haven't yet fathomED, how the mouse chord got that tangled up if all it did was lay in the bag all night. I lay all night, every night! Nobody needs to untangle the Rambler?!? See what I'm getting at here?

To make matters worse? I was listening to music yesterday morning, getting my stubborn streak on with La La La! Put it in my bag when it was time to leave! In a SEPARATE pocket in my bag. I take it out to listen to music while I'm editing and THAT too is tangled to the point of loose knots! Can somebody please tell me what goes on in our bags with our chords when we're not looking!?! Please?

'Cause I couldn't fathom that whole ipod chord knot thing too. Nobody deliberately sits and knots their chords before they put it in their bags. Thas all I'm saying. I'm sayinnnnng....There's a whole lot of unfathomable things going on in my bags. And when I can't fathom things? Think about what it's doing to my equilibrium?!?!

I-I can't even begin to fathom that!
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!