I kinda love how even when you're in a roTTen mood from, let's say, forgetting who borrowed your small suitcase, now you have to use a ginormous bright pink one that even blind Marsians are able to see! That's not so much my problem though, that's between them and their optometrist. My problem is that I know that THAT's gonna cause me to look like I suffer from a chronic disorder! COP! Chronic Over Packing!
Ay look. Reputation counts. There are certain things I take very seriously...obviously remembering who borrowed my stuff's not one of them...A-hem!
However, being labelled an over-packer? I told you this before...I was rumoured to be a hot lesbian once! Okayyyy, okay twice...or wait, was it...? Three...HUNDRED times? Ehhhhhhhh....I've lost count. I really hate being this honest. Didn't bother me in the least, though! But I have to draw the line somewhere, ya know!
And just so you know? I've stayed true to the adjective lessons that I was taught in high school. HOT was never part of the rumour, but last night Wesley did say I'm vain, so ima stay true to that too. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!
'Cause what if!? What! IF! I only planned on taking like fivvvvvvve items? Five items in this huggggggggggge bag?!? I'd raise suspicion if my bag was inspected, wouldn't I? Not everybody believes you when you say that someone borrowed your smalll bag and for the life of you, you can't remember who! I'm not tryna be left here and then Leigh and Paige and Linds and Wendy and Gills and NOT ME's all, "Whooooooooooo-oo-whoooooo! On the deck while I'm being forced to come up with idea's like flinging my bag into the harbour and floating behind the MSC Opera 'cause I can't bear to stay behind!
A-hem...........Moving on...
What I started off talking about is how just the sight and sound of someone can just pull you right outa certain moods! Yeah! That's it! That's all. My blog shoulda been three lines long, buuuuut....you know ya Rambler is a chronic drifter too.
Well? We're off to board the ship soon...dunno what youuuu thought I was packing for. Plus! Plus! The suns just come out!!!!
>_<! And now its gone! Sun got jokes, I see...hmmmmmpf!
Once we set sail, we'll be cut off from the normal people. Those with cellphone signals. I'm saying? To myself. These mofo's have built space cars! Hey! I saw the pictures! If there are pictures! It's real! And if they didn't build space cars? I know for a fact that they've done something, spaceyfied and if they've done that? You wanna explain to me why we can't have mobile signal stations? It's totally unfair that only the captain gets to talk to the special people in his life. You know? Those people back at the lighthouse! Or wherever they sit when they warn the captain of gangster sharks or something!
Lemme pay attention to my mum and dad for a bit! I'll see you later!
PssssSssssssST! When I get off the ship, I will no longer be a virgin!
Shame. On. You!!!!!! Hahahhahahahahahahhahaa!!!!
A virgin cruiser, I mean! Lmfao!
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O_o!
Don-don't snicker like that with alla them heh-heh-heh's. You're giving me a complex here! And besides? Is it really thaaaaaaat hard to believe? I'm no Gemini, but I do have a sensible part of me as well as a senseless one too. As a Libra, it simply has to be that way. I can't be one way. Like a highway. Who can stand being a highway, any---way! Our highway's don't even have emergency lanes. Imagine me without an emergency lane. I'm a sign of balance so where's there's sense, senseless should follow. That's when I look like this… o_o. Not like this…O_o.
In between, I've been trying to become accustomed to being followed around by this little man. 'Cause the moment I move, all I hear is...tap tap tap tap...turn around and Cruzzy-boy's following me alllllllllll around the house! Evvvvvvvvverywhere I go! I swear it's like a take on the video of Bobby Brown's track, Every little step I take...so then I stand right? Sometimes I do that. Next thing, Mr. Tap Tap Tap Tap slowly walks up to me and settles ON my foot, curls himself into a cute lil ball and pretends to be asleep!
Suddenly I go from singing while cutting onions to feeling all bad and awwww shame now he's gonna wake...strangely enough! These new onions I've being buying? They don't make me cry! Not like a new brand or anything. Not Levi onions, but new, like unused. I'm not saying that I ever buy used onions, I'm just saying when the onions in my fridge are finished, then I buy more! Just so we're clear.
I woooould take from my parents but they're shaped funny. And so are their vegetables. My dad has been growing these veggies and recently my mums been coming at me with carrots that look like asses and all. Hey? Don't look at me! I've had nothing to do with that! I'm just the victim of having to inspect ass-shaped carrots! It's my state of mind that's being messed with here!
Where was I? Oh yeah! Cutting my unused no-name-brand onions! So then I gotta move and we're back to tap tap tap tap behind me over to the sink! It see-eeems?! To solve this situation...and here he comes now...ima have to start jumping on the spot. Standing is...is messing with my emotions. Making me talk to dogs too. 'Cause I'm there, "CruZZZZZZy...lay over there so that you're not disturbed all the time, boy." Not to mention having to contend with the looks that he gives me. He doesn't have to say it for me to know that he's thinking, "Woman? You do know that all I understand in your language is my name? Right?"
It goes on and on that way until I go to lay down, where then he starts yelling at me in this high-pitched tone, which sounds a lot like his mother, Paige's voice when she's all hyper. You'd think after a long day at work and having my inner peace tippled on its ear while I'm tryna feed my family? You'd think that I'd be able to just retire to my chambers and rest.
Neooooooh!
These days I gotta lay on my bed with my one foot on the floor! ! So HE can get comfortable on it! Is that fair? You know what I've just realized? I've just realized that the constant nightmares I've been having are because my body is not aligned! My body's not...hmmmm...it's not feng-shui'd. It has nothing to do with being emotionally anything! Zero! Nothing! Nada! It's because my one leg is missing my other leg. Awwwwww, so sweet!
Ladies? Let's be honest. I won't ask you to put your hand up or nothing. You can inner-agree with me. We've all at one point wished for a man who'd follow us around like puppy dogs, right?! Well, I've been fortunate enough to be given the heads up on what that might actually be like! I feel compelled to come to you with this warning! DON'T BE WISHING FO DAT NO MO!!! The genie might grant it and then you're stuck with him wanting to sleep on your foot while you're cooking and then what?!?! I don't know 'bout you but that? That's just too much loving right there! It's cute when it's an actual puppy-dog, but you better be sitting there right now, thanking your lucky stars that your wish didn't come true because if I honestly had a man doing this? I would lose my damn mind!
Just think? Then I'm exhausted and go to lay down? Instead of offering a massage, he's looking at me and I'm looking at him and then he looks at the floor, we start arguing with our eyes, cursing and shit…with our eyes, and then when our eyes start throwing out yo mama insults? I tell myself, things have gone far enough, yo mama insults weren't called for, so just to get some sleep, my eyes say, okay, I give up! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII must then be misaligned with my one leg on the flo...Whooooooooooooooo! Nuhhhhhh-uhhhhh!
Space!
Wish for a man who gave you space instead.
Trust me….ya legs will thank you for it!
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Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Sniff…D'you know what I found out yesterday? You-you really wanna know? It's pretty graphic, you sure? Okay, I-I'm just gonna say it!
There will be no dance classes for adults this year!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the horror! Just saying it…I mean? I mean, typing it. Look at the awful way that those words just form that – that nightmarish sentence! How I wish I didn't understand a word of English right now? That that very sentence? When I looked at it, or heard it, or read it? That it looked like this…gjgjikhiuht6po98458yq[ndjdbf,mabnfnvakjkakljrfkla! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Why did IIIIII have to be an adult this year!?!?! I had big plans! Huge plans for the future…of attending hip hop dance class until I was at least of pension age. 'Cause you have to be fit when you become a pensioner! People have died waiting in the pension queue. No, I'm not kidding. They've died, dead! Like wake up, lady…no I'm dead, dead. The pension queue and-and the sun...like together, and then our service delivery, 'cause it's hot, sun's are hot, then the queue, a hot long queue, it kills! People. May their souls rest in peace. Jokes aside, I meant that. Ruthless! That pension queue. Woah? That hit pretty hard. Our putrid service delivery is lethal. That has to be one of the most embarrassing things I've ever had to say about South Africa.
SOUTH AFRICA! So beautiful, yet so deadly…where the youth are killed by you name it, it's possible annnnnnnd the aged are killed by…to name one? Service delivery.
But not if you're standing there, practicing a hip-hop routine, though! See? I come up with the absolute perfect, annnnnnd viable plan to stay alive long enough to spend my pension cheque on...oh, I dunno? A loaf of bread. I didn't do the math but I'm sure that assuming that it will be equivalent in value? I'm not too far off. But now? Sobbbb! Wurrrrrumigonnadoooooo?!
I'm not opposed to surprises, okay, but I was hardly in the frame of mind or prepared to hear that news of total horror, yesterday. And still, today, I refuse to believe it! And you can't make me. Not that it'll change the fact that-sniff-that there will be no dance classes for adults this year! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
It's just typical! Typical that the MOment...well no, it doesn't matter that moment lasted for about four or five years, but the MOMENT that I find that ONE thing that is my EVERYTHING? It's then violently yanked from my clutches. Uh-uhh…No physical altercation occurred but it felllt! It felt as though I was shot with an AK-47. At close range. Through my heart! It was twilight, you know when the sky is orange…yeah and I was just standing there, in my dance outfit. The grey pants. My favourite one. Figures this would happen when I'm just standing there in my favourite dance pants. But the only reason I'm still alive is because the rifle was aimed at the left side, when, hehehehehe! Gotcha! My heart sits on my right-hand side. Yeah. It feels like that's how it happened. I didn't include what colour bandana I was wearing. That's not what's important.
The important thing is that as I sit here typing this blog post? I'm no longer complete. There, I said it. I've been holding back on the dramatics this entire time, but that's the truth right there. I'm half the Rambler that I was just on Sunday. I have a HUGGGGE-mongous, yes I said huge-mongous! Hole in my chest right now. And I dunno what to stuff it with. Sniff! Nothing can fill that hole, Jarryd...nothing can heal this broken hip-hop dancer, Jarryd...sniff!
You think he heard my cries? JARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYD! Okay, that? What 'bout that? You think he heard that? :-(
Lemme tell you something? It's not the easiest of things to do...finding a perfect release, a perfect place where for that hour, whatever's gone wrong that day or that week? It melts it all away!
Huh?
What'd you say?
Weed?
No, no! No, no!
(She thinnnnnnks...weighing up the pros and cons)....Well? Hmmmmmmmmm! I mean, it might just have the sam.....O_O!
NOOOOOH! NO!
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Yup! Figured I'd scare the bejesus outa my awoke self by pretending to be, uhmmmmmmmm, a track on repeat! Yeah, maybe it'll be like, "Hey, you're supposed to be the Rambler, not a repeating track?!?!" O_o! Nnnnnnnnnnn, that just sounded lame! Let's see then, if my awoke self is weak enough to be scared by lame ass tactics. 'Cause, I said it as I typed it and my awoke self didn't even flinch. Sad! I dunno? Maybe I'm already sleeping and don't know it. Happens. Doesn't it? Anything's possible, that's what they teach us, so...
Here goes......if I'm not back in ten minutes? Then maybe wait for about an hour, two at the most. Don't be impatient. It's called, Coloured time. See? Even in my experimental state, I'm teaching you something.
It's a well known fact to Coloureds, shhhhhhhhhh, not sure if the other races are onto us, not me but, I'm not a late Kate. Poor Kate, she might keep to time as well and they just chose to make an example outa her! I'll say this, I'm glad that my name doesn't rhyme with late.
But it's a well known fact that if you want the party to start.....what?.....any party, it's too early to be technical, 'cause you're over there like, "What type of party?!" A party.
>_<!!
Okayyyyyyyyy, okay. A birthday party! NOH, I'm not specifying an age too, good grief!?!
If you want the unspecified age BIRTHDAY party to start on time? You send out the fraud invites and you lie! You lie though your teeth about the starting time. 'Cause for some reason when Coloureds read times on an invite? They're like, "Ohhhhhh okay, so it's 1pm plus 2 hours, and then on my way there, I'll stop at Bluff Meat Market to get some honeyglazed rashes, it'll be closed after the party." By then, what was meant to be a 1pm start turns into a 4pm start and the poor birthday person is sitting there all bedraggled in the hot sun, starving to a standstill, dabbing sweat and make-up and wondering why they didn't learn from the last party they had. Breyani's ice cold. Chips are stale. Things are just flying downhill at this stage.
I know, I'm supposed to be tryna sleep but I'm tryna teach here. Sacrifice! So if you want your party to start at 1pm, then put 10am on the invite! No, wait. Nobody would believe that. Hey, maybe the birthday person is actually the problem here. How are we meant to come up with a solution to this problem if the start time is 1pm? 'Cause if we minusing time? We can't be going into the am's. Therefore! In future? All Coloured party invitations need to have 3pm as a start time. Then? We can pretend that it's meant to start at 12pm. There! Don't say I'm not constructive when pretending to be a repeated track.
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That only means that my work here is not yet done. I have another moment. Or possibly many more to come. With my children, Paige and Damon, with my family and with my friends, too many to mention. Even though we're spread far and wide across this vast earth. In different time zones, different seasons even. Love is what keeps us in a common place. Isn't that just a beautiful, beautiful thing. Like His existence? Love, as intangible as it is? Affects us in the most powerful of ways. It teaches us to appreciate what we can't see. Think about those we can't touch. Pray for people we haven't even met.
Have faith...all of you.
Feel peace...all of you.
I have another moment. Or maybe many more to come. To fulfill whatever destiny has been set out for me. With all that I born with and whatever I've learnt along the way, I have the tools, and so do you, to do that very thing. Don't be afraid. We all get that way sometimes. I'm 41 years old and cockroaches still scare the shit outa me! Hence, I've made a concious decision never to submit an entry form to Fear Factor! As I said, we're all afraid sometimes. Until we realize that fear, not inability, is our ultimate crutch. All you need is support and encouragement. Whether it's from within yourself or someone who genuinely loves you. It is amazing what we can do when we have even one person standing behind us with enough belief in us to lift one foot and start walking. Make us move when our feet feel like anchors. And I mean pure belief. Where it's only for your good, not theirs. Selfless belief. Not for a chance to say to you, "It's because of me that you were able to do that!" No-no, I'd much rather hear orrrrrr say, "I'm so happy that you were able to draw inspiration from me. I'm proud of what you've achieved."
Believe...all of you
Encourage...all of you
As far as a resolution? At my age, I'm not so sure resolutions are a part of our New Year experience. At least, they're not a part of mine anymore. I wanna strive instead, to improve of the parts of me that make me, me. And do better, the things that I have already been doing. I just feel that it's smarter not to strive for failure since how many of our resolutions fall by the wayside by the time Valentines Day comes around. Hey, at least you were celibate for one month and thirteen days. O_o!
I'm so thankful for Indian people. No, for real! Not 'cause they invented curry or 'cause my hair is straight. I'm thankful for that too. But I was saved by one yesterday in KFC when this lady asked me to order her a cappuccino to save her from waiting thirty minutes in the line, right? I was like, "No problem!" Come time to pay for my order, they wouldn't take my card type and she insisted on paying for my order. I tried to refuse but she wouldn't let me. So I gave her the R100 cash I had in my bag, my wallet was at home 'cause I was on my way to the New Years Eve thingy. Damon was like, "Ma, I told you to go to the other KFC, they're quicker!" I told him, "No, I was supposed to come here, my Angel was waiting in this KFC." He understood.
Now? My car wouldn't start after my bread-roll wait at the grocery store? This indian man next to me was like, "Excuse me, your battery is dead." I thought, "Ya don't say?!" But instead I said, "Yeah, I don't know what to do now." If my tyre was flat, I woulda been okay. Not only have I learnt how to change a flat, but I love getting all greasy and fixing things. Indian Angel #2 then gets outa his car and kick-starts my car while the car guard and Damon pushed it! I'm now at my mums. ^_^!
Happy New Year, you guys! Hugs from ya Rambler!
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