Chill Pill

I'm not saying they're bad?  Nnnnnnnnnn...on second thought?  Letttt's leave that to personal opinion.  All I'm saying is that I'd be hell surprised if they weren't designed by a women-hating psycho with a twitching third nostril!  Come to think of it?  I'd be fuming with my mother too, but?!?  Hey?  Why are we all being tormented for one person’s error in judgement?  Isn’t it public knowledge that fornicating with a distant cousin could possibly cause your offspring to have an extra eye, nineteen toes or in this case?  A third nostril?  I don’t even have to tell you that the Bible is against such acts of multiplication.  Your mother should ha...nevermind.  Pointless statement. 

Before the men start whining about, "Ohhhhhh there she goes!  Typical woman, that Rambler!  Blaming men for contraceptive pills!"  Small shiny little bastards, they are!  And before the men start whining about, "Now she's calling us small shiny little bastards?!?"  No, I’m not.  But if there’s a cap to fit everybody?  Women-haters can be women too, so...?  Chill.  I have idea!  Why not try a birth control pill!  It’s my current experience that those nasty buggers will keep you swallowing until you’re digesting parts of your throat that'd be best kept for when your teeth become extinct! 

Like that hanging part at the back of your mouth.  Say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  Yeah!  That thing!  The uvula!  Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah!  You forgot, didn't you?  Well?  You're not alone!  If the internet hadn't been invented, I'd not have remembered it either just now.  When I did a search.  A-hem!  On "that hanging thing at the back of the mouth."  Truth be told.  It’s not even like I did remember it.  Even when I read what it was called.  I’ve never ever seen that word in my goddamm life!  And I wasn’t born yesterday.  Sounds like some African President or something.  President Uvuuuuuuuula!  And just like ours?  It serves no purpose apart from just...dangling in the background, confusing people!

You think I'm kidding around but I just found out from my new Biology teacher?  Mr. Google.  Mr. Internet Google.  And this?  I already knew, by the way!  The uvula has no actual scientific function other than to cause adults to appear dumb as doornails when their knowledge thirsty kids look to them and ask, "Ma?  What's this hanging thing at the back of my mouth for?" 

Ofcourse?  My opportunity detector immediate kicked in!  So, without any scientific fact for humankind to run back to, print out and slap in my face?  I've decided that my suspicions can now be documented!  I hereby state that, scientifically?  See?  Now if you hear someone misinforming their kid?  Youuuuu can now run back to my scientific documentation, print it out and paper-slap them.  I know that that aggravating group of people who live for nothing but to prove anyyyyyyyything, anybody else says?  Wrong!  Are salivating right now, like, "Ask your mum.  Ask your mum!"  This is proving to be an all round beneficial expedition, isn't it? 

Protected by Copyright Laws of 2013:  It is hereby my finding that the uvula is there to show your throat which direction it's meant to face.  Think of the air hostesses on the plane before take-off.  That delightful way that they illustrate the directions of the exit seats with their hands!  They are the uvula of the aircraft!  Plain and simple.  Science needn't be complicated, you know?  To this day?  I haven't heard of anyone's throat facing north. 

Conclusion to my finding:  The job that I’ve decided it's doing?  It's doing quite well!  

I'm confident that we’ve learnt about the uvula baccccccccccccck when Biology was still called Biology and we had a choice to study it on Higher Grade or Standard Grade.  Mannnnn?  Those were the days, huh?  Now?  The only Grade there is for Life Science is "Da fuck did I choose this subject for?"  

While we’re on the subject of da fuck?  They say that the contraceptive pill causes weight gain in some women.  Guess what?!?!  I now know how da fuck that happens!  It's allllllllllll those things you have to shove in your mouth in an effort to get that one evil little freakin' M&M-wanna-be to go down your throat.  I'm like?  "Really??!?!  A powder didn't occur to that tri-twitching-nostrilled devil child?"  The answer is obviously no!  That would be tooooo much like considerate for those of us who have contraceptive pill intolerant throats. 

I always try to maintain that blame should be placed where blame belongs.  Therefore, revenge should be directed with that same philosophy.  Right?!  I’m getting that feeling like some of you are thinking, “Boyyyy?!??!  Bitter, aren’t we?”  I am!  As I rightfully should be.  On one hand?   We have the injection.  For chickens like myself?  Not an option!  On the other hand?  We have the contraceptive pill.  Clearly, my throat is as much a chicken as I am!  So that’s a bust too.  Which leaves me with, “What exactly are my options here?”

Succumb to that feeling of having something lodged in your oesophagus alllllllll day, every day?  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, the horror!  Or?  Acne!  Or?  Unblanced hormones!  Look at that!  I can't even spell anymore!  WTF is unblanced? 

......................................................Or having as many offspring as Zuma does!  O_O!  You know what?!?!  That alone was reason enough to scurry off and stock up on the torture pills!  My sister's dog died from overbreed!  If there were triple the amount of breeding seasons per year?  B#@%h be like, “Another six coming up....!”  I'm not tryna be put to rest with a headstone that reads.....Random Rambler: Gave birth to death!