Yeah! But Where is the Diarrhea?!?!?

I KNEW IT!!!!!!!! 

I KNEW there would be theatrics when he got into the hot seat!  To tell you the truth?  From what I hear…………. 

He let me down. 

I was expecting diarrhea but apparently all he did was cry.  BORRRRRRRRRRRINNNNNG!  And talk too softly for anyone to hear.  I’d cry too if I murdered my girlfriend.  If I had one that is.  But I don’t have testicles, so I’m outa the running on that one.  This morning I read, while driving to work, on a pole.  >_<!  Okay, I know how that mighta just sounded and I’m not in the mood to clear up any misunderstandings today.  Just…I’m good with confusion today.  Thumbs up!  I’m so tirrrrrred, I didn’t even hear the alarm this morning and at 5.22am I woke to Cruz standing up on the side of my bed, staring at me, barking.  He was probably yelling, “WAKE UP, YOU LAZY BIAAAATCH!”  I thought that’s what I heard.  Coulda been the after effects of the sinus that kept me awake yet part of me refuses to believe that he’d call me lazy.  Not after everything that I do for him. 

So?!  If you believe that I drive poles.  Then just for today………I drive poles. 

Back to what I read…he said, “I am so sorry.”  Awwwwwww, sniff.  I’m almost tempted to feel compassion.  NOT!  When I was growing up?  I was sorry too when I kicked the top of my toe open on the circle at my mum’s house.  But it didn’t stop me from kicking it open countless times after that!  Sooooooo….yessssss, yes, Mr. Pisteveryoneoff, we know exactly how sorry you must be.  But you clearly aren’t sorry enough.  Uhmmmmmmm-hm!  Clearly, the shame isn’t enough to cause you diarrhea so no we don’t accept your apology.   And don’t look at me like I’m the sadist.  We are the one’s who grew up next to an oil refinery.  He’s the one who set the standard!  Now I come to expect the expected and I get the unexpected.  How about if he expected his late girlfriend not to scream as if she was being shot?  How ‘bout that?  How ‘bout her expecting him to stop shooting when he heard her shrieking in bullet-hole pain?  Hey, I know some people who get diarrhea just from hearing something they didn’t like.  Like when the ANC was elected to presidency!  What’s your excuse!?  Being on trial for murder not stressful enough for ya?  Hmmmmmmpf!  No diarrhea!?!?!?  Then us-no-speaka-da-inglis. 

-_-

Just thinking about something?  Why the hell DIDN’T I start wearing shoes to play soccer and harbor on the ground or harbor in the air, or K.I.N.G spells kinnnnnnnnnnnnng, STOP!  OR…Just to walk?  Clearly, we were not exposed to the “once bitten, twice shy” concept up to that point.  Half the population, and I am certain of it, has had the top of their toe kicked open at some point growing up…don’t deny it.  There’re no trophies for virgin toes.  If you blame the oil refinery, please stand up.  I do.  I blame it for the fact that I can’t remember the movies I’ve watched too.  Or most of the articles I’ve read. 

I was talking to one of my Facebook contacts, Farhan, on the weekend.  He told me to take Omega 1 to 50.  Okay, okay, he said three numbers only, but that’s how I read it.  After suggesting one tablet to me, my mind becomes all garbled and I start hearing and reading things that aren’t there.  That’s how much I hate taking medication.  And how it came about was that I saw my old favourite television series, Soul Food being aired, and you know how if you don’t document the most important moments in your life on Facebook?  Then you might as well close your account?  Yeah.  So I did.  Not close my account.  Documented my important moment.  Try to keep up.  Farhan then describes to me, a specific scene that he remembers from Soul Food and I’m like, “Woaaaah.  I can barely even remember a movie I watched last month.”  He then suggests those alien tablets.  And I joked about it to avoid admitting that no, I’m quite fine with not remembering a movie that I watched last month.  I’d much rather be honest though.  If you ask me about a movie that I’ve watched, I will tell you that it was nice.  And when you ask me what it was about, I will tell you that it was nice.  And when you ask me who acted in it, I might throw out a few names, and then tell you that they were nice.

Lemme tell you a secret…you might wanna shimmy on a bit closer to me.  I think my forgetfulness is in direct...but you know what?  It’s not with evvvvvvvvverything.  There are some things that I can relate back to you as if they just happened yesterday.  Like how when I was such and such an age, and I got a pram for my Christmas present.  Think it was that year that I wore a dress, with socks and sandals!  WHOOOOOOOOOO ALLOWS THEIR DAUGHTER TO DRESS THAT WAY ON CHRISTMAS DAY?  I won’t even begin to describe my sister’s wedding.  I’ll say only this…streetdancers and Thriller.  Do with that information what you must!  Either way?  My pram / stroller, was broken by 10am on Christmas that morning because Wormy, don’t ask,  felt the need to run around the circle pushing it, “VVVVVVVVVVVVV—VVVV—VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV!!!!!” as if he was driving a car on Kayalami.  I wished that he’d kicked the top of his toe open just for that but he was wearing his Christmas Day shoes.  Just wasn’t my year, I guess.

Secret?

O_o!

What secret?  Didn’t I tell you the secret? 

No?

Crap…okay.  I think my forgetfulness is in direct relation to spending too much time with the pensioners.  You had to see them last week.  Whooooooooo-whoooooo!  Don’t mistake that for excitement.  It’s me wiping the sweat from my forehead.  But I’ll give you one example, right.  I won’t mention names.  But Wendy asked aunty Di one time, what her secret pin was for her cellphone?  And she was like, “Secret pin?  I dunno!?  It’s four stars!” 

HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! 

She curses us out when we laugh at her about it, but, “^$$%@$#@^^%$^%%*&^*&^*^%#%$^%$!!!!!” never scared us.  My mum?  The other morning Damon asked me send Sharde’ a message regarding something that he wanted to ask her and I promptly told him what any mother would tell her son in that situation.  Take her number, add her to your whatsapp and send her a message yourself.  Eh!  Ya Rambler is busy at work, the less time I spend being the middle man, the better. 

So my mom pipes up, “You know?  When I wanna talk to Sharde?  I have to go through Sean’s phone!” 

My one eye began to twitch.  -_*

It’s barely 7am.

Where is Chuck Norris when you need him? 

Me:  “What you mean?”

Lovey:  “When I phone Sharde, I have to dial Sean’s phone and then she answers.”

Me:  Thinkinnnnnng….”Wait, that’s because Sean gave Sharde his sim card.”

Lovey:  “Ya, but when I phone her with the number she gave me, then it comes up on my phone as Sean, I can’t phone her straight.  I have to phone Sean to get her.”

Me:  “Ma?  You’re not going through Sean to get Sharde.  All you have to do is go into your contact list and change Sean’s name to Sharde.”

Damon:  “HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA, haaaaaaai granny!” 

You know what, though?  As much as we make fun of them?  Well, ‘cause it’s just soooooh much fun!  I really can’t imagine life without ‘m!  It’s like I look at my mum, and this did just happen yesterday.  When you look at her, you get to see exactly what an open heart is.