Little White Lies

It’s wet out there once again.  But that’s okay.  What don’t kill makes fat.  O_o.  

You’ll have to excuse me.  I’ve been trying to adopt somewhat of a tasteless eating plan.  By now, even you are sick of my dietary woes.  

I got it!  What wets won’t kill.  There we go.  Now you guys know that I’m talking about rain.  Not warm trickling custard.  Sob...sniff sniff.  My once satisfied taste buds are currently planning a coup because I’m point blank refusing them something sweet.  I’ve had to point my finger and strictly declare, “You will snack on seed bars and you will like it...”  As a show of my disapproval, I’ve decided to snack less.  That’s a worthy example of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Hmmmmmmmmmm?  A thought?  Are you able to make your eyes go cross-eyed?  If you point your finger at yourself and stay focused on it until it’s touching your uni-brow?!  (Hush Hair Removal would solve your problem...^_^  just saying)  Work with me now.  You cannot point your finger at your ear and expect to go cross-eyed!  You gotta get that finger nice and centred between your eyes, a ruler’s length away.  It’s easy.  I’m doing it right now.  Without the trembling fear of my eyes staying this way.  Remember how our parent’s told us that it would?  Or how if we ate the seeds of fruit.  Or grass?  You know how some kids like to put anything in their mouths.  A tree would grow in our stomach?  What about the swallowing bubblegum lie?  Wtf is up with all the lies adults tell us when we’re kids?   Orrrrr?  And this for me is the mother of all fibs.  How our nose would grow if we lied?  Didn’t you detest Pinocchio for being the “this is what I will look like if I lie” representative?  But, more importantly!  That has to be the height of the lie-er telling a lie about lying! 

At one point?!!  And I’m pretty sure that every one of you has momentarily experienced this, where?  Instead of growing up to be the best we could be?  We, at some stage.  At one given moment, when the lies just became a little bit too much?  Believed that by the time we’re 23 years old, we would be cross-eyed, with bubbles being blown outa our ass, and tree branches growing outa our ears.  Who can blame us for that!  Personally?  I wasn’t aware that I was part of a network of little people being scared half to the point of losing their forward vision!  So I took what they said to heart.  My gran should have told my mum, “If you have sex in that position?  Your child’s heart will be on the right-hand side!”  She may have, (shrug) I dunno...all I know is someone didn’t do something.  One didn’t lie or one didn’t listen.  ‘Cause here I am...their little “dextrocardia with situs inversus” baby girl.    

But let’s not pretend as if we shouldn’t also be asking, “Wtf is up with all the lies we tell our kids, now that we’re adults?”  I fully understand why our parent’s had to tell us those little traumatizing white lies.  Because, just like our kids?  We too didn’t listen when they simply stopped at, “Don’t pull your face like that.”   It’s common knowledge, I think.  That once you have failed at Step 1, the instruction?  The only logical next move is to Step 2, installation of fear.   Sigh.  ~_~  I started out trying to make our parents look bad, but all I feel now is that I need to go home and apologize for continuously swallowing my gum, thereby forcing them to move onto Step 2.    

**Newsflash!**  I’ve rediscovered my love for Baby Can I Hold You by Tracy Chapman.  This morning?  I tormented poor Wendy and Nicole on our ride to work.  I didn’t plan to.  But I didn’t tell them not to like Tracy Chapman either.  The result?  Aside from me and Tracy, performing multiple duets?  Those two turned my car into the set of Silence of the Lambs.  They did such an awesome job?  On our return trip, I’m contemplating a re-run of this morning’s episode.  Shhhhhhhhhhhh, don’t tell them.  They like surprises!  HEH-HEH-HEH!!