Don’t GrOw!!!!

Mannnnnnn!  What a crazy week it’s turned out to be!  I was supposed to give birth on Tuesday.  Eighteen years ago!  However?  It was decided from above that I would feel the excruciating, yet marvelous, epidural free, experience of childbirth, four days later!  Nevermind, three of my family members got evicted from the hospital!  I started getting pains and all of a sudden it turned into a roadtrip.  I remember walking the corridors of that hospital floor for hours.  Walking apparently does something.  >_<  Apparently.  I know for a fact that it doesn’t speed up labour because my pains started at nine at night and I gave birth at three-thirty the next afternoon.  Someone might have been having a bad day and took it out on me.  “I had a bad day, so now you walk, in labour, for hours!” 

As for the evictees?  They were lounging ever so nicely in the waiting room.  Just because the night staff are exhausted and will allow you to?  Doesn't mean that the morning staff won't race you.  Who knows?  They mighta had that look like, "We're alllllllllllllll coming into the delivery room!  That’s how we roll."  And the nursing staff thought, “Ohhhhh yeah, you’re about to roll, alright!”  With this family?  Good or bad?  They do it big!  Or get............chased home!

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that my daughter turns eighteen in two days.  O_O!  Stoppppppp!  Growing!  Can one use that famous, "You live under my roof so you will abide by my rules" line here even if they’ve never used it ‘til now?  Or the more direct route, "Don't grow!  Or else I’ll belt the age off of you!"  I almost fell on my back a few weeks ago.  It woulda hurt too since I was walking at the time.  The higher the back the harder the fall.  (shrug)  Makes sense to me.  See?  The thing is this.  I've never had a son before so I don't know....like I don't know the rate at which things hanging from their bodies grow?  So he's all twelve and all, right?  And I’m up and down from here to there in the house and he was in the bathroom.  I walk pass and I’m like, (wide-eyed frown), "Woahhhhhh!  Woh-hoahhhhhhh???  Wtf!  Who are you and what have you done with my sonnnnnnn?!"   

...And I feel the need to say this again.  I've never had a son before so I'm trial and erroring here.  Plus there's no man in the house either.  Me?  I couldn't contain myself!  "Rannnnnnnnndyl???  Randylllllllllll!  Come see here!  Look how big Damon's willy's gone!!!"  Faiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!  And Damon's smiling all shy, like, "Nooooooooooh Maaaaaah."  Randyl ofcourse came to see but then nonchalantly went back to her room when he hid his goodies!  I know what she was thinking too.  “Remind me never to react that way when I have a son.”  And there I was still trying to insist, "Show her!  Show herrrrrr!"  I can't tell you whether or not he thought that was normal because he too hasn't had a mother before me.  Not that I'm aware of, at least.  He would have mentioned her by now but?  Just now he's gonna wake up with a different voice and then what do I do? 

For a minute there I was thinking, “Where’s my phone!”  To take a picture and send it to my ex with a caption of “Look what you did, you Bastard!”  But thankfully, I had a sliver of sense left and realized that evvvvvvvvven though we’ve long since established that ex’s are to blame for everything?  They just can’t be blamed for some things.  And this is one of them.  Kids grow and there’s just nothing that you can do about it.  Not like they’re bonsai trees or something. 

Guess what?  I've been seriously contemplating the 3-day diet!  I heard that!  And I humbly succumb to the very true fact that I should be a diet guinea-pig?  Sigh....I just haven't found the one that fits yet.  Less work, more loss.  That's the ideal diet for the single working mother!  That's the one I'm searching for!  Actually, I'm looking for the one where no dieting is involved.  You just lose the weight!  A few years back I found it too.  It's called, depression.  Except now?  I don't want the depression part, I just want the weight-loss effects of it.  Nnnnnnnnnnn.... yeah, I know.  It's kind of a package deal, huh? 

Well?  That's why?  One of these tomorrows?  I just might start.  Not-nottttt being depressed.  Focus!  The diet!  I'll be sure to let you guys know when so if I appear to behave tunarish?  You'll know why!  But I won't lie!  It's gonna depress me to be on diet but that's okay.  'Cause it won't be the same as last time.  Seriously, depression is no joke.  Nothings funny when you're depressed!  Depression causes you to cry at jokes.  “That was funnnnnnnny…boooooooooooooohoooooooooooo, sniff sniff!”  And the joke teller is standing there with his/her eyes darting from left to right, looking like, wtfh?  I cursed there, sorry.  So?  If you're bursting out crying at stand-up comedy shows?  It's time for you to see a professional.  If you're bursting out crying because the bar of soap just got finished or just the fact that you had the audacity to wake up that day?  It's time to take your ass to the doctor and let him / her help you heal. 

However!  I refused to take that medication and if you can help it?  You should too!  Stress on the words, iffffffff you can help it!  Depression tablets, at least the ones that were prescribed to me?  Turn you into a numb, can’t-feel-my-lips, zombie but they don't help your psychological state.  And let’s admit it.  You can smoke weed for that!  Uhhhhhhhhhh?  And don't do that either!  You just might enjoy it and we can't have people enjoying the effects of drugs!  We’ve seen plenty horrific ends to that story, now haven’t we?

And now?  I must be on my merry way.  From me?  The Rambler…Happy Thanksgiving to all of you celebrating it today and just remember…..all it takes is two words…”Food ready?”  Hahahahahahaha, jussss kidding.  “Thank you”  That’s all it’s about today!