At the end of one of my emails, I included a short but desperate plea to the heavens. "Help me, Jesus!" Who was like, "Talk to the hand!"
He. Geese, not Jesus. Responded back with...."HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Sometimes I do love how you get yourself into these things, mwah! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Meanwhile, Jesus' answering machine said "I'm sorry I'm not here to take your plea or prayer. At the sound of the hallelujah, please leave a message & I will surely get back to you before Satan can prevail you. Have a blessed day."
And ofcourse? I deserved the hand. Why should He? Jesus, not Geese, have come to my rescue when He clearly gave me the head's up lassssst year already. I mean? For any parent. When they tell and show their children, "This? It's bad for you. Here's why....." Once they realize that the kid will never avoid wanting to touch the red hot stove through words alone? It's then time to let them learn that lesson the hard way!
Have you ever been just....just in awe of the badness of something? I've had an overwhelming amount of experience in that department. Yet? Somehow, I still find myself gravitating willingly towards situations of that nature.
That hand over mouth moment where it's as if you're physically stopping yourself from actually standing up and yelling out, "Does somebody have a firearm? Here I am! Aim for the red lipstick circle I've just drawn on my forehead!"
I said to Ali while we sat there, "Al. ALLLLLLLLL!!" (I had to raise my voice. She couldn't hear me over the musical vomit seeping through the loud speakers!) So, when she looked at me? I said, "Al. I think it's past due time for us to really look at the harsh reality of this and see that now is when we have to part ways with the aged and these functions. I mean? Look around. This? This is...."
At that point, I made the mistake of looking around instead of directly, at her and as a result, my thought train derailed and tumbled down Mount Miserablist Place To Be. Not to worry, no injuries have been reported. Just some emotional scarring!
Ali was right there to wholeheartedly agree and once we explained the situation to Wendy, not like we had to. We just had to make things official. Wendy by then was just mindlessly staring. You know it's bad when someone doesn't even blink. Worst when you know that mascara makes her eyelids heavy. Sad and angry. You cannnn be both. Sangry. If you attended last night? Your body too woulda made up emotions having run out of the ones it already knew how to be. You'd be able to copyright them as we speak. Once we got her approval? Three votes were all we needed to find strength in the camaraderie that would save us the next time our presence was requested at one of these fiasco's. The adoption of the "all for one and one for all" stance was all we had left.
There's a taste you get. In your mouth when you mistakenly drink milk that's past it's due date. Now. Add a few drops of poison? Still doesn't come close. Words will never aptly describe that black hole of hell that I knowingly walked towards and fell into last night. I already see that I'll never work as a community dance reviewer. And...uhmmmm...I'll live. But? Garrrrd. Dammmmmmn!!!!!!?
I literally lost bre....soon as he switched from strictly instrumental to halfway decent tracks? That didn't last long, by the way. My suggestion was to make hay while the sun shone or whatever that saying is. Fact was. We paid money to be there and dammit, even if we got a percentage of a percentage back, we were taking it! We got two songs worth. Return on investment was non-existent.
So? We're dancing, step clap was all I could muster up. My dance teacher woulda disowned me. I won't mention being blinded by this fluorescent light shining right in our faces, no matter where we stood. Part of me so wished that it meant I was on my way to heaven. I think the person thought they were being considerate. I keep saying person, because I can't, still, pin point what his main role was. We know some old people don't see as well as they used to? And I've a sneaky suspicion that most of them woke up completely blind yesterday morning.
Okay. Cool. No, no, no! Not okay, cool for them losing their sight. Uh-uhhhhh! Just? Okay, cool. You know? Like...okayyyy. Cool. Let me continue with my story, okay cool. Uuurgh. You know what I mean.
You then hear the next song being mixed into the end of the current one that you're step clapping to? And I do mean, one! The strangest thing happened. Because I'm not a plant, on a normal day? I inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. When I heard the next song? My body reactively inhales the carbon dioxide just before it instinctively exhales it? So that's two inhalations, right! One of oxygen. One of carbon dioxide. I should have died. Couuuuuld! I COULD have died! It was a quick like...uhhg. I dunno if you got that. Shit?!? How do you make a reverse breath sound without physically demonstrating it? I need to write in and suggest the attachment of voice notes on here. Like this, but....Uggh? Hugh? @?#* that's a mans name and I didn't inhale a mans name. I'm just gonna go with uggh and hope for the best.
After causing our bodies, well mine at least? To forget the basic mechanics of breathing? Look again and the person suddenly became the lead singer of a church choir turned live 80's music group? Nowwww do you see my dilemma? Telling us to Celllllebrate good times!!!! And still being pushy with the....COME-ON! Look? I was there to celebrate but I'd be damned if I was gonna be forced into pretending that good times were being had, especially when....
And for me, this was the deal breaker on whether to stay at the risk of being escorted out by law enforcement or escape while I was still a citizen without a criminal record for throwing large objects at the person? The Afrikaans song he played.
What was worst is that the...no.
No.
Nothing was worst.
In a dignified manner, I packed up my shit, well? All I did was put my cellphone in my bag....and didn't look back. Mostly because everytime I did, Inky was tryna threaten me to stay.
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!
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