Naaaaaaaaah!
That's not news! That's a way of life. However, it was to my ears yesterday when Wendy asked me, "D'you know petrol went up?" The basssssstards!!!! Apparently, it was announced on the radio on Tuesday and I missed it. And do you know why? Because I couldn't get signal! And do you know why? Because I had my cd player BLARRRRRRRING with, "Ain nobuuudy bidni" That's English. I think. On sommmmme planet! And do you know why? O_o! Well now, THAT didn't work, did it? Uuuurgh, what I'm tryna say is this?!
Somebody stole my freakin' car aerial. Yup! The basssssstards!!!! You knew that was coming, didn't you? These are another breed, I telya. They probably reallllllllllllllly needed it. You know? -_- To. To listen for when petrol increases were announced. Or the East Coast Radio Breakfast Show. Apparently, it's not to be missed. I hope it was worth it though. Unscrewing my aerial in broad daylight! It had to be broad daylight because we sleep at night. Me and my car. I hope that whatEVer they needed it for, was worth it. Else it'd just be a waste of going to hell.
Question?
What do you think hell is? The basta...>_< not yet!
I always maintained that we're living in hell and when we die, we then go to heaven. All you need to do is look around you. 'Specially when you're at the gym. And then give some consideration to my theory. People in hell, I assume, would be like, "Uuuuuuuuuurgh!" "Uuuuuuuuurgh!" Right? What about funerals? The Priest almost neVer eVer says, "Let us bow our heads while we think about the fact that so and so's soul has just dropped straight to hell." Understandably, it could be that they only tell the immediate family things like that but the public? Huh-uh!
Hahhahahhahahha! O_o! Confession session. I just typed, pubic. Let's all raise whatever's in our hands! Here, here! Here's hoping that a priest never eVer tells anybody's pubic's any damn thing!
It's now just before 6pm. Durban time. I was at this function that we just left from. We were the help. The smiling tickers. That's why I'm wearing these clothes. Black clothes. The type that needs ironing. With buttons and little seams and darts and shit. Lemme tell you something. One day, I shall be the guest of honour! Of something where...
SCUREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!! O_O!
I'll have to make speech then, right!
Neverrrrrrmind!
Never!
Mind!
That'll be me hiding under a desk like I did when we were being robbed at gunpoint in 2002 and my brother thought that the armed robbers took me hostage and got off his flight to Port Elizabeth. Mid-air!
That's a bold-faced lie.
The plane was still grounded but I'm sure he disembarked in a very heroic manner. And if I wanna envision my brother like one would envision James Bond, then just let me. I need that.
See? 'Cause I was numb. Laugh if you want. It's funny now, and check it out....I can join in too, HA! You'd be numb too if like an idiot, you chose to wear a long skirt that day and you felt the robber stand right next to you, you know how their shoes brush up against the hem of your skirt? Yeah! And took your car keys and cellphone off the very desk that you're hiding under and just when you think he's stepping back to put some space between the two of you before he drags you out from under there by your stupid long skirt but then you realize he's not. And you're too afraid to breath! Normal breathe or a sigh of relief where instead of you! He's dragged the outfit in the packet behind you by the wall, that you just bought on sale!
Plus our knitting was in my car. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, correction. Ima say MY knitting. I don't have a CLUUUUUE what Wendy was doing with those needles and that wool. ALL I remember was that she was making something that got wider and smaller for no apparent reason.
I know you're asking yourself, "What colour was her outfit?" Well? Ima tell you! I hid because I heard the panicked screams of our receptionist and when I peered...? Notice! Ya Rambler, peered. Wendy, on the other hand, went to the reception area like, "Who are these guys?" She coulda been right there, hiding with me, but neoooooooooooooh!
Me? It was payday! I was packing up! It was five minutes before we closed. I was leaving in a week for Los Angeles! Too much going on to need to know who those guys were. I still don't know who they were. But I'm sure they're pretty warm in my scarf, that thing Wendy was making and our new suits! The basssssstards!
Anyway. Can't change the past but let's hope Wendy's learnt her lesson by now. Peer instead of..................................................... I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with peer that means "walk boldly into danger."
Can't. Think. Of. One.
I hear the commotion. I peeeeeer to my right 'cause there was a passage from our office leading to reception and I saw this guy running with what looked like a rusty gun and a yellow t-shirt! What was I supposed to do? Run into them? Someone had to hide! 'Cause if you think about robber movies, there're those being made to walk from their offices with their hands behind their heads, those that are made to lay face down in the boardroom having their pockets emptied, and me. That one! That is hiding.
Hey, I wonder what he woulda done if I'd picked up my stapler and held it like a gun, ran alongside him and just started mimicking everything he was doing?
I'll never know. So after I peered? I veered! On the side of caution and crawled under my desk and prayed like I have never prayed before! I can tell you with every shred of confidence that the saying, "Time flies when you're having fun!" That saying? Is right on the freakin' money! 'Cause those five or so minutes felt like five hours. I was positive that I would die that day. And that ain't no fun!
And now? We're on our way home and just passed the Methodist Church in the city where I was robbed in Grade 11. People are always taking my stufffffffff. The basssssstards!!! I'm noticing this pattern and I don't like it! I twanged when I said I don't like it. So, read it again, with a twang. Like you're from Britain.
Maybe if I wasssssssss from Britain, I'd still have my dad's rates money and my mums atm card. They didn't want my silver bracelets, I offered it to them. Just the gold, the money, and the card.
The baSSSSSStards!!!!
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!
No comments:
Post a Comment