A Little Bit of This n That

We had power last night!  What d’you know!!!!!!  Power or no power, I don't like what's happening.  I'm beginning to accept the dim fact that we are being rationed for electricity.  How do I know?  I know me.  Do you know you?  Not sure?  Quiz yaself then!  Always works for me. 

Blink. 

You forgot that I'm Libra, didn't you?  You forgot that for me to make a decision to do annnnnything?  It takes quizzes, ultimatums, changing of positions, singing songs, standing on one leg, whistling through m-------ooooooooo-wooooooo!  Was about to enter the TMI zone right there!  My humblest apologies.  But the good news is that I get there eventually, no matter how long it takes, I DO get there.  Right now?  I'm not at all pleased about the fact that I'm not irritated.

O_o! 

Irritated is good.  Acceptance is bad.  It was raining yesterday.  Things like that should be accepted.  I should not be cool by the pool about being reminded that my money is being taken by a company that's giving me only a piece of what I'm paying for.  But that just gives you a hint of how often it’s happening.  The first few days, everybody was like, “grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”  Now we’re just laying in the dark like, “Grr-yeah, okay whatever, two hours will be over soon.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!”  I downloaded the torch app on my phone and that’s me – sorted for the dark nights.

As for the Xenophobia situation, the army has now been called in to an area called Alexander where.  THAT?  Is something that pleases me.  However, I am a bit concerned about my ex-husband who is currently working out in one of our neighbouring African countries.  With the expected ripple effect and repercussions of what has been going on here?  South African's aren't the safest at the moment working out in our sister lands.  Thank God he is safe though, I have been speaking to him daily, to make sure. 

O_o! 

Keep that up and ya face is gonna stay that way!  Hahahahaha!  Remember when our parents' told us that whenever we cried so hard that it skewed our expressions so bad, it scared us straight into a no-expression howl?  I don't really know for sure how much of a cry baby I was when I was little.  For things other than sucking tit!  My mums, I mean.  She never really told me.  And it doesn't help that I have very sporadic memories of my very early years.  Far as my ex-husband and I, we have maintained an amicable relationship since our divorce.  A few people that I have met over the years have said to me, “you guys make divorce look so easy?” 

Divorce is never easy.  Amicable or not.  At some stage there is no amicable anything, which is how you reached that place to begin with and that’s between the two of us.  Not our children.  They were right there when everything went from travelling south to when everything finally reached south and I tell whomever asks.  We get along THIS much better because we don’t have “partner” expectations.  I’d be lying if I told you that we don’t have our disagreements, we do.  But we’re able to have our say and move pass them very quickly.  Maintaining friendships, for me, are a whole lot easier than maintaining relationships.

Maybe my mum too has sporadic memories of my earlier days.  Hahahahaha!  Sorry, I’m still thinking of what mini-me was like.  Ima quiz her tomorrow morning, first thing!  She woulda just had her coffee so her mind should be sharp...if there are long pauses and gaps in memory then I'll have the answers that I need.  All I know for now is that I tortured her for her breast milk for a ridiculous amount of years and that I was carried on a lot of family hips.  The latter information came via pics.

  Most of my constant memory seems to kick in during the last three years of my schooling life.  Before then?  I do remember some things but they're like scattered pictures on a wall.

I wish I had sporadic memories of my adulthood though.  Silly wish to have and really, I shouldn't be wishing, I should be learning how to get it right but I am, I'm getting it right, slowly but surely.  Problem is that it just keeps hitting me at random moments that I could have done so much better so many times, had I just paid more attention to the patterns of people that I'd dealt with.  I didn't.  I floated along and that's what happens when you decide that any situation is that much bigger than you are.  You surrender before you fight.  You float, already defeated without having made any attempts to charge or challenge, in an existence where when you look again, you’ve aged twenty some odd years standing dead still as far as any type of progress while the waters keep moving around you.  That is, until your raft stops.  By then?  No matter how much you wanted to do this, say that, change this.....advancement simply doesn't matter anymore.  

The shitty part about life is that we can stand on our heads, click our heels together under a full moon and twelve twinkling stars....nothing will ever make it possible for us to go back.  There’s no undo button.  There’s no rewind button.  No, we only get to except and live with whatever haunts us and tread tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, carefully jumping over and side stepping whatever crap we don't ever wanna have to go through again and if we happen to mis-step?  Sometimes it’s dark and we can’t see.  Then we handle it better than we did before. 

I've had some really craptastic luck far as relationships.  I remember my very first one.  I began my love life as a very faithful.  Very loyal.  Very hopeful.  Somebody.  I was young and in luuurve, and then he cheated.  A lot.  And I stayed.  What else did I expect though?  We were young.  Two puppies who did everything together.  I have very fond memories of walking miles and miles and miles with him.  Selling eggs.  He was a Scout.  I was his loyal assistant.  Self-proclaimed, I might add.  Until we grew up a little bit and he told me one day that he was going to ask another girl out.  Let me be the first to say......?  That was like wringing out every drop of my self-esteem like a wet towel.  There wasn’t an abundance of it to begin with.  Even as I type, I can feel what I felt.  There wasn't a part of my body that didn't hurt.  I sat on that pavement, with a stone between my fingers, scraping it against the tar of the road.  For hours.  Questions and questions and question.  Questions that I had refused to ask anyone out loud. 

Wow.  I didn't expect for it to feel this emotional.

Something I haven't thought about in years.  And for good reason, I see.  Even after the cheating and after the ditching, I sat on that pavement in front of our house....waiting for him to come back.  I needed to see him again.  I needed him to see what he'd done too.  To me.  But most of all?  I needed her to have turned him down. 

She didn't.  

Second one, cheated.  Strangely?  I don’t know what bug bit him but while I was with the second one?  Outa nowhere, the first one wrote me a letter begging for another chance.  This was yearrrrrrrrrrrrs later.  Man?  It musta been four or so years after.  I remember becoming real angry, turning that letter over and writing "NO" across the entire back of it and giving it back to his sister to take to him.  Something that I've noticed?  Outside of relationships as well.  I take a lot.  I will yell and whine and bitch about having to take it but I’m yelling and whining and bitching, standing right there.

I can't decide, even now, whether that's a good or a bad thing.  It might be a bit of both.  If I were talking about someone else?  I would say that that person appears as if they enjoy having pieces of their heart chipped and chipped and chipped away.  Clearly, because they stay in places that they should be running far away from.  The same will apply to me then.  But my fill is my fill.  Just as your fill is your fill.  There always comes that moment when that last piece of straw breaks my back and nothing, not even seven brigades of angry bulls, will make me consider going back.  Funny enough?  I’ve learned that it’s not a surprising pattern of those born under the Libra star sign. 

That first relationship?  I believe that everything about that relationship and then how it ended, set the precedent for 99% of my relationships' fate thereafter.  All, but one, ended eventually because of them cheating.  But then at some point between then and some years ago, I turned from being the most faithful, devoted, forgiving teenager/woman…….basically from being a cheating man’s doormat.  To cheating too.  Even if it was almost completely, emotional.  Same difference.

Mind you?  When I think hard enough about it?  I can tell you exactly why it happened and at which point chunks of my feelings died dead within those relationships.  Ofcourse, it doesn’t make it right, the right step to take was to leave because in staying, I didn't only hurt myself.  Forgive me for today’s post being the length that it is.  As I’m typing all of this, I’m unraveling a mystery.  It’s called, “How did I get here?”  Over the last eight years, in the midst of the surprise return of my soulmate, my marriage already drag-racing on the fast-lane to Overville, and essentially kicking my own ass for ruining what should have remained a lasting, meaningful friendship?  I found myself knee deep in depression and I talked with a psychiatrist, but unfortunately, I didn't talk to him long enough to figure out whether that switch in my behaviour came about as a defense mechanism. 

I don't know for sure
Maybe one day, I'll find out

What I do know is that the relationship that I'm in right now?  Has proven a theory that I’ve had regarding the whole “opposites attract” concept.  Never did I believe that opposites dont attract, but?  I've always figured that two people had to be more alike than not to stand any chance of building something that might not break somewhere down the line where the differences don't stand a chance against the similarities as far as a working relationship.  My ex would constantly mention a girlfriend that he had in college, where she had always said the right things and displayed the right affections at exactly the right times, was intelligent in the right way and cared about all the right things.  He’d always talk about how there was no fighting, no screaming and no yelling between the two of them.  Yes, I would feel some kinda way.  Jealous, because it wasn't the type of relationship that we had.  I would even think that he was being insensitive saying that to me.  But had I had THAT type of relationship before I met him?  I would have understood why he kept that aspect of it, regardless of how it ended, so close to his heart. But because I am currently experiencing THAT type of relationship?  It's pretty damn impossible for me now, not to understand why being in that type of a relationship would be something that he had absolutely cherished the way that he did.