All or Nothing

All I can say is this.  October 18, 2012, will forever hold a special place in my heart.  Special.  In a rotten caucus kinda way.  Nice huh?  I know.  I know.  I hope you weren’t about to eat.  I’m eating ice-cream mallow gums that are barely squeezing through the heartburn that’s lodged in my throat right now, but I’m persevering.  Why it’s termed, heartburn?  Beyond me, but who am I to argue with whoever came up with that.  Who am I to argue, period. 

Oh?  And horoscopes lie.  By the way.  Today?  Peep this!  Mine told me that I’ve endured the darkest point and that my future looks brighter.  Whoooooo-hooooooo need shades!  Grey ones.  Maybe fifty of them?!?!  O_o!  And to that I say?  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-CHO-HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA-KE-LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO-COU-OOOOOOOOOGH!  Unless it’s bright in hell.  Should be, with all of that fire.......nevermind.  Just being bitter while eating sweets.  While commenting to myself about the fact that there’s not a damn sweet thing about this bitterness. 

I have given myself permission to completely fall apart tonight.  Affffffter I take care of my domestic duties.  Leigh promised to bring me wine.  So...bottoms up!  Tomorrow, when I wake and am greeted by the harsh realities of a relationships end?  I might have a headache.  Hell, no.  No, I’m not saying hell no.  I’m saying hell, no.  Like no to saying hell.  Like I shouldn’t have said hell.  Like hell is a baddddd word.  Hell to the nuh-uh.  And let me stop.  There is such a thing as going too far, and I think I might have just skidded, tripped and fell over the border.  There was stone and I....   

So?  Okay...back to my future headache.  You know what I will never understand?  I’m saying this now.  Not after I wake up tomorrow with a headache.  I’ll make sure to tell you when I’m having a tomorrow conversation now.  Else, it’ll just be a mess.  Like love.  Love is a mess if ever I saw one.  For my new status resolution?  I’m thinking about giving up romantic movies.  What you think?  You know what I think?  I think that telling someone you accept something when you actually don’t?  Is not cool. 

Let me give you an example.  Let’s just say Aubrey says to Audrey?  “I was accused of stealing a pot.”  Audrey is like, “A pot?  You don’t look like a pot thief?”  And then Aubrey says, “That’s because I’m not but the pot thief police didn’t even bother to investigate whether I did steal the pot, and just went ahead and took it like it was the truth!”  So Audrey says, “Wow, that’s crazy.  But you know what?  I believe you.  I believe that you didn’t steal the pot.”  And never again mentions the pot stealing palava, even when Aubrey chose to talk about it, because I mean?  Who actually wants to be reminded of being accused of stealing things that you cook food in.  But more importantly?  By Audrey telling Aubrey that she believed he was telling the truth and never threw it in his face?  That meant that she accepted what he was accused of, and it didn’t make any difference to the way that she felt about him because?  She believed, in him. 

But if Aubrey bounced in and was like, “Hey baby, I was accused of stealing a pot.”  And Audrey?  “Whaaaaaaat!  A pot?!??!  Stealing?  Whatever do you mean?!?”  Aubrey’s like, “Just what I said, they didn’t ask me anything about where I was on the night the pot went missing, nothing!  Just...YOU STOLE THE POT!”  Audrey reassures him, “I believe you.  I believe that you would never ever steal a pot!”  But then??????  Finds every single gap she can find to throw it in his face!  Like if he walks into the kitchen all emotional and holds her from behind and whispers, “Thank you for cooking such a special meal for us.”  And she turns her cheek towards him and whispers back, “There you go expressing ardour for pots.”  Does that sound like Audrey truly did accept what he’d told her as the truth?  No! 

When I decided to get divorced?  After almost twenty years of an array of experiences with this person?  All that mattered was what he did that very last time.  Having experienced this, right now?  Whether I was right.  Or whether I was wrong.  I now realize that when you have reached that moment in a relationship?  And I’ve been on both sides of the fence.  Nothing matters.  Nothing is considered.  Nothing is more important than that very last incident.  It’s sad to me that ultimately?  The good?  Even the okay...at the end of it all?  Never happened.

 Life.  Love.  Happiness.  You can’t always have it all, now can you?