Scatter brained

It's been another rainy weekend.  I swear?  If I didn't know that I lived in Durban?  I wouldn't know that I lived in Durban!  Know what I mean?  Awww, so clever!  I was hoping that I didn't have to explain myself.  Explaining myself on a rainy day?  Uuurgh!  #1 Mood dampener right there.  When I grow up?  I wanna live in a shiny place.  Not!!  Not a palace!  I'm talking about a place where the sun shines continuously!  Evvvvvvvven at night!  Granted I’d miss the stars.  Uuuuuuh, but then again?  What would I make my wishes upon?  The white fluffy clouds?!?!?  That changes everything now!  And then, I just realized too that I'd be constantly explaining myself.  Especially if the people in that place didn't understand English!  Get laryngitis and shit from over explaining.  They'd be like, "We read your blog via the translator that day!  Look?  See!  It's not raining!  So?  Explain yourself!"  In their own language, of-course. 

Then I'm looking at them in my language, "Huh? O_o!"  And they're looking at me, "hsksifrrneljyafava hdifgkgfrakssssss aAaAgdbskdyfvg?"  That could be "huh?" in their language?  I don't know yet, but I'll confirm once I get to Shiny Island.  Oh, oh!  Forgot!  Strike that!  I decided against going.  Plus, just by the way they might say, huh?  It sounds like it rains a lot there, so...?  And when I looked at the brochures?  They made sure to choose people who appeared as though they spoke English.  Annnnnnd?!  And they made them stand in the sun.  Sniff.  Sniff.  I’m smelling foreign deceit.  Haven’t you heard that when things seem too good to be true, they usually are?  Besides, my instincts keep repeating, "hoarse throat" over and over again. 

Do you trust your instincts?  Many of us don't.  Or won't.  Yet, these are meant to be our inner voices of free advice before we do something that could cause us to have to run to someone who charges for theirs.  Penny wise pound foolish!  There have been plenty occasions where I've totally ignored mine because I didn't like what it was saying.  Heh-heh-heh!  Look at youuuuuu?!?  Pretending like you've never done it!  I refuse to believe that I'm the onnnnly one who tells myself to shut up about something I'm tryna tell myself to do or not to do!

I'm ignoring mine as we speak.  It's saying, with tears in its bloodshot eyes, "Go to bed young lady (so sweet to call me a lady), it's your turn to drive to work today."  But my stubborn ass is still here.  Typing this post with one sore thumb nail and one not sore thumb nail.  M-m.  Don't ask.  Just know that it was legal.  Okay, okayyyyyyyyyy!  I was making costume jewellery.  Gosh, you guys are addicted to whole stories, aren’t you?  I haven’t yet invested in the proper tools?  So I use my thumb nail, the side of my pointer finger, a tweezer and a nail clipper.  Remember the series MacGyver?

In my own defence, though?  This time I'm not doing that just to be difficult!  I simply can't sleep.  But you know what?  Lemme go and try again...I'll be back.

...................................... It's today.  Monday.  I either slept for two and a half hours or was kidnapped by aliens who were mad at the fact that they couldn’t read my blog in Alienland.  I dunno?  Possible.  Anything's possible.  So they came and erased my memory for two and half hours while they bluetoothed my blog file off my phone. 

I don't really know where I'm heading with this post.  S'pose I'm just reflecting what's inside of me.  The eyes are the window to the soul.  In my case?  You can't see me so?  The thumb tips are the window to the soul.  All of these different arrows pointing in opposite directions and as soon as I settle on taking a step that way?  As soon as my foot lifts to start walking?  A giant STOP sign appears like, "Are you sure you can live with going that way?  Someone or something is going to suffer.  Along with you!"  Do you ever feel that way?  And then it becomes?  But if I don't?  What will....?  If I do, then?  How does...?

FYI:  This popcorn is seriously attempting to do grievous harm to my teeth and gums.

Not sure how at ease you are with the unknown but I have never been an “unknown enthusiast”.  Probably why I've always hoped that I'd never find myself some place alone and out of nowhere?  Start hearing voices!  'Cause when you're alone and someone else is talking?  That's never a good thing!  Unless it's God.  But then?!  That's even scarier because you start touching yourself, possibly inappropriately, due to nerves, how embarrassing!  And looking around like, "Am?  Am I still alive?  Why is God here?  And doesn't He normally send Angels to fetch you?  Mannnnn?  Th-this?  This must be serious!" 

I suppose my fear of the unknown stems from never being a completely faithful person.  OMG?!?  Noooooooooooh!  You owner of a one track mind!  Not on a relationship level!  Just.  The belief that things will be okay.  And why, you ask?  I heard you ask.  Even over my very painful crunching!  This corn is killing meeee, I telya!  >_<  When you become a blogger?  You develop an imagination.  Or deliria.  So?  When I hallucinate that my audience has asked a question, it is my sworn duty to answer them. 

It's simple.  There were things that I've experienced that caused me to feel completely faithless.  One would think that theories like these are common sense but they weren’t for me.  I had to be shown.  A direct result of merely, living.  The thing is?  If enough of that goes on?  It hampers your ability to have faith in the situations and/or people that you should.  It causes you to doubt the outcomes of situations and/or people where the biggest part of you knows that you can be certain.  But?!?  Even in that?  I've come to learn that you have the choice on whether to remain rooted to an environment that causes you to ultimately become that way.   Just takes courage and a stomach for the unknown.  Me?  I lack.

I don't believe that people are born, doubtful.  Or untrusting.  Or afraid.  Hell?!?!  I would imagine that just leaving that bubble of warm water and forcing your way down into dry land?  Takes some level of bravery.  It comes from past experiences since through past experiences?  Your outlook on everything alters towards a bias of either good, or bad.  A baby's first step will always!  To me?  Be the most courageous moment of a person’s life.  It's at that moment where they're standing on their own two feet.  And risking a fall.  Trusting that they will be able to pick themselves up again or?!?  Someone will be there to help them do it.

This post is allllllll over the place.  Even I can see that.  I think what I'm here to say today, is?  And really, I want this message spread across to those young adults, who just like my own daughter, are one step away from the real world.  Honesty takes courage.  Especially since being accepted hinges so heavily on it.  Like a lot of other people, I've made grave mistakes in not being honest with myself. 

Be honest with yourself and others about the situations that you can and can't handle.  Be honest with yourself and others about your strengths and weaknesses.  Be honest about your abilities and shortcomings. 

I've learnt over these last years that the more you sell yourself for being a certain type of way?  For being a certain type of person.  People begin to believe it and then expect reactions, actions and results based on the picture that you have painted.  You might not even realize that you’re doing it.  A sub-conscious fear of rejection is just as powerful as any other type of emotion.  It causes you to say the right things.  Act the right way.  Do the right things.  In accordance to the beliefs of others.  

But, your day of introspection will arrive.  And you will then find that you've wasted a whole lot of time, trying to be successful at being someone else for the acceptance of someone else.  When you could have been just as successful at being you...

Time, that you will then understand, is gone forever.