Tales of the Hairy Kind

Sigh.  

Just!  Sighhhhhhhhhhhh!  

When people start stealing wigs off other people’s heads and turning a day at the movies into secret salon visits?  You know things have reached rock bottom!  The very bottom of fungi'd rock!  A green slippery rock!  At the bottom of a sandy ocean!  I’m not saying that we should strap one of these thread thieves to the bottom of a slippery, green, fungi'd rock just to see if they'll ever eat crab again!  I’m just saying...it could be an idea.

Apparently, they've been a-snipping people's hair off in the movie house too!  I went to the movies yesterday and said a soundless prayer, “Dear Lord...by your grace, please let me leave outa here with the same amount of hair that I came in with?”  Ohhhhhhhhhhh, you think I'm joking but I'm not.  No no noh!!   Ay?  A word to the wise?  You might wanna super-glue your wig...but then again?   No!   That might cost you your scalp.  Like that woman on one of the first episodes of Fear Factor South Africa who was strapped to that automobile and dragged around on the rubbled surface until the poor, unfortunate soul, landed in the hospital.  SMH.  You know what I say?  I say that if you can’t come up with an idea yourself?  Don’t be going overboard where you’re half killing contestants just to be more fear factorish than the actual originators of the series. 

We tend to do some dim-witted things in this place.  I stopped watching Survivor South Africa, because of the same foolishness.  To me?  Personal opinion, okay?  The name of the game in Survivor is being the last man standing.  Neoooooooooooooh!  Here?  You get voted off, somehow brought back on, and winnnnnn!  Huh.  Uhhhhhh!  I was like, Fear Factor?  Write off.  Survivor?  Write off.  I’d rather watch a kettle boil.

But now...back to our local version of Survival of the Hairiest.  My mum and her partner in crime, Aunty Di, enlightened me about this new craze and when I get to her house tonight.  I’m turning it upside down looking for that article!  My question is this?  Are wigs in such high demand all of a sudden?  Too many orders?  Not enough strands?

I don't know exactly how this works now?  Is it like the car theft syndicate?  Stolen to order?  Someone comes in, “Hi there...I need a wig, straight, black with some blonde streaks”  They tell'm that it'll take approximately two weeks?  And then the hair "detectors" are sent out to source, cut and deliver?!?  Wtf?!  What!  The!  #*@/!!!!!!!!?!?  Have these people not heard of an honest day’s work?  Hell is gonna be overcrowded just like our prisons.  I mean?  You gotta watch the hair on your head now?

And not only that!  Not only are you getting scalped?!?!  But now, it’s your problem to try to think of a less idiotic way of saying this when you go to report it 'cause...okay?!?  Let's be honest!  If you're a cop?  How straight can you keep your face if someone comes in looking all bedraggled and traumatised and wild-eyed, talking 'bout, "I just had my hair cut in the movies!!”

Officer, “Uh-huh!  Looks very nice ma’am.”

Victim, “NO!  NO!  It doesnt!”

Officer, “O_O!”

Victim, “I-I don't know what the stylist looks like!  I didn't even see the scissors!  My eyes were glued to the big screen 'cause mannnnnnn!!!!  Liam Neeson was #*@+"ng those foreign avengers, upppP!  I mean, beating.  A-hem!  Sorry officer of the law.  Didn't mean to curse, but my hair?!!!!!  I just ironed my hair, with a GHD!  Not just any ol' iron!  A GHD!  Took me a whole hour!  And now?!?  Look!!!  Do you think I would deliberately go and cut my hair like this?!?"  Pausssssssse.  "W-wh-why are you laughing?  With your nose?  It's flaring like you're laughing under your breath!"

Officer can barely contain himself while she continues her tirade.  "Can't deal!  I can't deal with hair thieves.  Look?!?  I can't describe the perpetrator!  All I know?  Is he/she had to have had fingers!  And hands...or else that would just be weird if they had fingers and no hands.  And a pair of scissors.  You need fingers to use a scissors!  So they must've had arms too 'cause how else would they...?"

Officer bursts out in uncontrollable laughter!  "D@fu*k are you laughing at?????  I’m feeling breezy about the scalp and you're laughing!  Someone's walking around with my hair and you're eyes are watering from what progressed from secret nose flaring laughter to outright insensitive ROTFLYAO laughter?!?  This is why the country is in the state of hairffairs that it's in!  Now?! I'm the idiot, who had their hair stolen, standing here trying to get some support from you and....Meanwhile?  I still have my wallet!  How ‘bout that?!?!  But my hair's gone!”

Officer bends over behind the desk and screams, “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Victim, “Whose your supervisor 'cause all that laughing you're doing...?"