Whose Name Will Be on The Birth Certificate?

Made it through the day, without hurting myself! Even found the energy to crumb chicken breasts and potato wedges and grill the bastards. I wouldn't have bothered if it were just me at home but I had to bother. Offspring get hungry and start looking at you with watery eyes. There's just no good enough reason to put yourself through that. I mean, your offspring. 'Cause their hunger is what matters. Right? Yeah, yeah. You're just agreeing 'cause you're full.

Worse when they're gigantic. Thank goodness God had the grace and mercy to let us birth them at nine womb months old. Thank you for that, God. I speak for all women when I say, we're truly appreciative that fact!

It's still sorrrre! But it's better than trying to push a grown teenager out. Cervix's. No. Cervae. Hmmmmm? Hell is a buncha cervix called? Cerrrrrv----cervi----a?? One cervix, many.......? Damn. To hell with plural. THE cervix has limits.

Childbirth is amazing though. Isn't it, ladies? Don't all scream at once. Granted, it's not the first thing, or nineteenth for that matter, to fall outa your mouth when asked, "How do you like spending our time." That answer will never be, "Giving birth."

But I'm always fascinated by the way that once the baby is out, the pain is nowhere to be found! I didn't do the epidural thing when I gave birth. Not 'cause I'm superwoman or had a point to prove. But it just never crossed my mind. Might be because the thought of a long, thick needle in my back was too much for my brain to bear or it mighta been......naaaaah, if anything, it would be that! Needles. Scare me. Contractions? Should scare us all. Those mutha#*@+?s!?

They feel like someone took ya insides, tight fisted them and twisted! If my ex-husband fainted?! From watching me give birth, I swear I woulda been laying there pushing my baby out thinking of a random, but strong, name to put on their birth certificate 'cause there is no way! Like John Cena or something. Fuck it. He doesn't have to know that he was the birth certificate father of my children. But there's no way that my insides are gonna be grabbed and twisted and you're fainting like a b-i-t-c-h. I didn't say that word. I spelt it. There's a difference.

Nevermind that once you've dilated and baby is coming out, it feels like someone lit a match to ya vagina opening. STRETTTTTTTTTTTTTTCH! Hey? I'm being real here. And then you still wanna have the nerve to faint?!? NUUU-UUUUUH!! You will not be the birth certificate father of whomever I gave birth too. Because you don't deserve that. I dowanna hear shit about, "oooooo, I got a weak stomach." What stomach and vagina you think I got? Stainless steel?

Look, if you know you got issues with watching people give birth then let a girl have someone in there who's gonna give her the support she needs. Like John Cena. Hahahahaha! I'm kidding. Like someone who's not gonna witness the birth passed out. 'S all I'm saying. Eeeeven! Even be there but not like in her vagina. That's not exactly what I meant. I meant, not in view of her vagina. Sit on the side of her and hold her hand. That way, you get points for being honest, ofcourse she will probably be mad at you for a while, but it's worth it for you because you also get to keep the respect she has for you pre-fainting and as a bonus.......the title on the birth certificate. Just say, "Honey? I love you and I can't wait to meet our baby, but I think I'd only be able to stand, and I mean stand, meeting her when she's like five earth minutes old. I'm just gonna sit over there, I'll still be here, in the room, but over herrrrre."

He was great though, for both of my births. I give him that. What meant more was that I know that his stomach is weaker than it is strong when it comes to things like that. But he stood tall and swallowed his nausea and I'm proud of him for that.

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