Looking Outward

I realize now more than ever that if it's dependent on anything outside of your own self? Your happiness meter will always go up, down, up, down, up and dowwwwwn.
Nobody and nothing out there should have to bear that responsibility anyway. That means that if you're with someone or you're doing something, before and after both of those? You should be able to sustain a certain level of fulfilment. Easier said than done, for sure. Because in the midst of heartbreak or a sense of loss, it's almost impossible to feel anything good. But I think that if you went into anything already being okay, without it, then losing it, losing them, will hurt but healing from it doesn't drag on.
So how are you going to heal from losing something or someone where you've made them the sole source of your happiness? Your sole source, period? That's a toughy. Tough to heal and tough to deal. Even without a loss? Just an absence, leaves you looking around like, "Fuck do I do with myself until I get to see them again or speak to them again or do that again?" Right?
I can't sit here and tell you that the road to being absolutely okay that way is not a lifelong journey, or that it's an easy one. I see it as a constant road of standing back and deciding, "Did that make me feel positive? Did that add anything to my life?" If it did, you keep it. If it didn't, well? What good is it to you?
Hobbies, help. A healthy social life, helps. Spending the day alone and not feeling as though you're alone, helps. The worst thing is to have nothing to fill your time with, during loss or absence. That's the type of situation that leaves these huge gaps that mmmmm, sometimes things like alcohol fills? Hmmmmm? That's just one example of a gap-filler. One of the more dangerous I think because you don't actually notice how quickly a glass before bed becomes a glass right after you wake and not long after that becomes, "Ahhhh, not doing anything, just sitting alone and watching tv and drinking some wine...." many times a week.
As cold as it sounds? Work towards a full life. A life where you have enough left over should you not be able to continue seeing a person or doing a thing. That's not to say that you have to strive to be inhumane. Oh no! That's not to say that even having a full life prevents pain. No. It means, like I said, you have enough left over. And if you have enough left over, then you have enough to turn empty days into busy days, and enough to turn gaping holes into pin holes quicker than having lost your sole source!
You, be your sole source. Hell! And while you're there? Be your SOUL source too!

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