The Guru of Buttcheeks…!

Good evening from Philadelphia!  (Relaxxxxx…relax!  I haven’t run off in the middle of the night!)

I’m sure you’re shocked to see that I’m back, yes. No? Maybe so? I just finished my yoga lesson for the night, which means that I am actually typing this post at 11:52pm EST here in the US. As you know, our beloved Rambler has returned to South Africa (SEE!  I’m still home!) so I am simply sending her this post to put up on her blog because I enjoyed blogging with her & I know how much you guys missed me. With tomatoes. Cuz I know some of you threw rotten vegetables at your monitors & laptops once you realized that I am trying to steal away your Rambler to the United States. It’s okay, I’d react that way too if someone was kidnapping my favorite aunt, niece, cousin or obsession, AHEM! You know who you are & so do I. Cut. It. Out. Speaking of which!? BE RIGHT BACK!

OKAY!? Note to reading audience, cooking while typing, BAD. And reckless. Never mind that I am doing my yoga lesson at nearly 12 midnight. Why? Because tonight I’m going to get started on Chapter 3 of Broken Griffin. I slept most of today because the blood pressure medication has the side effect of drowsiness. So to recap, that would make me a man with high blood pressure who does yoga & blogs, while trying to write the next chapter of his book with our Rambler…! Thaaaaaaaaattttttttttttttttttttt, just about covers it, AND OH?!?!!? I’m the guru of life, too, heh heh heh, NO! -_- Guru of Buttcheeks. That makes no sense which is why I just said that, because it ties into the whole nonsense of being called “the Guru of Life”. Look? I’m not gonna waste your valuable reading time talking in circles, but for me? I can’t stand when someone says some ole off-the-cuff garbage because they know they’ve just gotten caught with their hand in the cookie jar, taking a cookie that they know they aren’t supposed to have.

Guru of Buttcheeks?

Look? (Uh-Oh!  He said, look?  Now you’re gonna get it!) I don’t ask to speak up, I’ve learned the hard way early in life & especially living here in the US that if you don’t stand up for yourself. Then you get crushed flat, they skip the running over part over here. So with that said, I tend to pay attention & all too often I’ll see some ole crazy crap where it’s like…? Wait, did that guy REALLY JUST TRY TO TAKE CANDY FROM A BABY!?!?! CUT. THAT. OUT! YOU FIEND! Then I jump into it because, IT’S A BABY! And a grown ass man is trying to take candy from it! So should I reallllllllllllllly sit there, & just say, eh! That baby looks pretty tough, I’m sure it can fend for itself, right! RIGHT!? WRONG! IT’S A BABY! Now? A child soldierrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I dunno. I’m thinking not only is this guy STUPID but this is now an armed kid who’s probably seen more hell than any grown adult. If you’re stupid enough to try & take candy from ONE OF THEM?!?!? I’m thinking we really don’t need this person to procreate, for real. His decision making isn’t too great already & having him pass on his powerful stupid-decision making gene, really isn’t necessary. Unless you’re just into that kind of thing.

What’s my point with this ramble? I do my best to not make painfully obvious, stupid decisions. But I always find that it’s the idiot that does make PAINFULLY OBVIOUS, stupid decisions that always comes up with some cute little crappy nickname for me. Because I told them or someone they knew, some solid advice, take it or leave it, their call. And now for Boo Boo the Dummy, their life has all of a sudden become complicated because now that person just isn’t going along with whatever they needed them to go along with. Look, going along to get along over here in the US, usually will get you right along to either prison or a reality TV show, but everyone knows or figures out at some point or another that the person/s are just “along for the ride”. Once that happens then the con artists & hanger-on’s, show up & start with the buddy-buddy routine until the person is flat broke or can’t carry them anymore & then they get ghost or gone with the wind or whatever phrase means that they leave once the gravy-train hits last stop.

The whole Guru of Buttcheeks nonsense is because too many times in my life I’m movin’ down the road of life, you know, drivin’ my own car. I might see another driver with a flat tire, ay!? Ain’t no thang but a chicken-wang, baby! I’ll help ya out man, or woman. Next thing I know I get to know this person & then we start hanging out or get to know each other & then it turns out that their car didn’t get a flat by accident. But someone in their camp, made sure to deflate the tires, just enough. Or just straight-up knife their tire, ya follow me here. So it was deliberate, but the person doesn’t wanna honestly have to deal with, damn, I got sabotaged by my own peeps! Don’t ask why I’m using all kinds of slang & terms from the 70’s & 80’s, I’m just going where the typing takes me. But the bottom line is, they know that that flat they just got, shouldn’t have happened. Now it’s all about having to honestly look at the fact that they might have some people close to them that really may need to check THEMSELVES & UNTIL THEY DO, may or may not be as close as they once were. Me? Someone asks me a question, as my woman will tell you, I’ll answer it. (Hmmmmm-M!  If you seriously wanna know if your butt looks big in those jeans?  And really, you know that they look as if you can comfortably transport forty eight passengers on it?  Yet what you wanna hear is that it’s smaller than that skinny model with the white powder still stuck to her nose?  Don’t ask Geese!)  And for some people they like asking questions where they don’t honestly want the answer, but they’re playing the role & trying to be all tough & show they ain’t gone get punked, they ain’t gone get played! By NOBODY!

Meanwhile of course they’ve already been punked & chumped & whatever other word means played for a fool or manipulated. Like the song says, everybody plays the fool, yours truly, YEP! So it happens, only becomes a problem when you try to hide it & protect your ego & only make matters worse. So they ask me, what do I think. I answer. And the answer I gave them is actually the answer they already had, but they simply didn’t wanna deal with it. But now that someone else has brought it up, AND, what amounts to “a new perspective”, cuz I’m new on the scene. Now it’s time to do something & then you know how the rest of it plays out from there. The person who ends up getting their opposed BUTTCHEEKS! SLAPPED WITH A WET TOWEL! Then asks the person they’ve been playing for a sucker, why’d you just do that!? As if they don’t know they’ve been runnin’ game this whole time. So when they’re confronted, then it becomes, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S THAT GUYS FAULT THAT YOU DID THAT! I’MA FIX HIM!

And that kind of pass the buck bull crap, realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly, makes me angry. So instead of the person simply coming clean or just BS’n & then STOPPING what they were doing. NOPE! It becomes a whole big SHAM-OCURAY! Where now they cause this giant childish SCENE! AS IF THEY CAN’T REMEMBER THAT THEY WERE DOING THINGS THEY WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO & NOW THEY ARE FINALLY! FINALLY! BEING CONFRONTED OVER IT! And not in some hostile way, but they’re busted! And instead of being graciously-intelligent about it, it’s time for the talking loud & craziness to attract a crowd, cause a scene! And then try to make a b-line at me! Ay, if that gets a person off, but the reality is that running up on me because I actually give more of a damn than the idiot charging me? And then the finger-pointing nonsense & drama, god I hate UNNECESSARY, DRAMA!

I like things, QUIET! And orderly. And when a person is doing something they’re not supposed to, they shouldn’t make a bunch of noise & make matters worse when they finally get caught. Just, go along quietly, think about your mistake. And don’t waste precious air carrying on like a two-year old! Why have I typed all of this? Because we live in a world that claims so hard to heaven that we want people to treat other people with compassion & concern. But for too many of us now, we get s----tfaced angry when our “so-called secrets” come out, because someone actually did stop to care & now the supposed dirty laundry is aired & feelings are hurt & don’t judge me, don’t judge me, SHUT. THE HELL. UP! We. Are all adults. Just like I know I am typing this, some people will be like, hell’s this guy talking about. STFU! FOR REAL MAN! Others will be like, I get it! That’s why I don’t say anything to so-&-so because they have this this & this going on & then they make me listen to their laundry list of problems! I talk to them, THEY THEN GO RIGHT BACK TO DOING THE SAME RETARDED CRAP THEY WERE JUST COMPLAINING ABOUT!

Or, my pet peeve. I answer someone honestly. (Ay?  As I said in the previous bracket!  Yes!  That wassss me in the bracket up there…as if you didn’t know.  Azzzzzzzzzz I said.  This here man?  Sugar coats NOTHING!  He knows what sugar is and what a coat is, but never does he use those words together!  Under any circumstances.  Unless it is to tell you never to do it.  I’ve learned over the years, even while we were still penpals.  He won’t call a rake a lawnmower, even if you paid him to do it.  And he won’t do it because, firstly, well?  It’s not a lawnmower.  And secondly, if you try to pick up leaves with it, and it doesn’t work?  He then has to deal with, “You told me this was a rake, and I’ve been trying for weeks to clean my garden with it….it won’t work!  Liar!”)  They use what I said, because the reality is they already knew the answer & for whatever reason couldn’t or wouldn’t do what they knew they needed to do. Then the actual guilty party gets pissed! Because now the person I answered won’t just let them DO WHATEVER they were doing. So now it’s, why you in my business!? Why YOU IN OUR BUSINESS!? Most people who say that, generally have their business all around town already, but most of those who know them or know about them, just ignore. Which does a world of NOT GOOD, for everybody. Because it teaches people to just GO ALONG WITH & IGNORE, things that they know are just, wrong! Then the “offended” guilty party has a whole bunch of unneeded, LIP-ACTION! Instead of just being remorseful or even just saying let me get outta here! Instead it’s, lemme try to PRETEND LIKE, what I was doing was right & justifiable! When they know that it’s not.

So my advice is, don’t have your butt hanging out! Doing things you know you’ve got NO BUSINESS DOING! At some point or another, while everyone else may have let your vile crack of ass be shown to the world! There is the off chance that someone may come along with a wet towel of unwanted holier than thou, TRUTH! AND SNAP IT ON YOUR EXPOSED BUTTCHEEKS!