It's been great to be part of these conversations now. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that so much is clearer and I feel a sense of safety talking with them. We all seem to be somewhat on the same page which is nice. And comforting too. Even when we disagree. It doesn't even feel hard, justexperience sharing. Believe you me, there are not many of them left. I'm kinda spiteful with my trust these days so I can count on my one hand, those that I do. When I type that, I feel no emotion at all. Ive done shit that has caused me to be seen as untrustworthy in some situations and Im accepting that. But on the flip side of the coin? I have been shown the same thing when it came to trusting just all willy-nilly! Reality, thats all. That fairytale land that I was stuck in has been completely obliterated! And Im so very glad!
Do I have regrets? Who doesn't? But I don't have just regrets. There is always some joy in the midst of those and THAT is where I find my calm. Call it whatever you like but when you find something that works for you, keep doing it. Life is always gonna try to get you, the oceans never without waves so fuck you gonna do with knowing that? Refuse to learn how to swim? If you wanna drown, then yeah fine?! If you wanna reach the shore, you better learn!
Every situation has good and bad. New, old, current. Be thankful for the good and keep it moving. The bad? Ay. Shit happens. To everyone. So you and I, we're not excluded. There's just no other way to survive as far as I'm concerned. Cause waking thinking shit is bad, falling asleep thinking shit is bad, walking around all day telling yourself shit is bad. Shits gonna be bad! And youre gonna wear away at your own hope. Take my marriage for example. It ended for the most part, three months after it started. It lasted a physical thirteen years. I'm not gonna sit here and say that it was all bad because it wasn't. Just like I can't say that it was all good, because it wasn't. But my son came out of my marriage and my daughter came out of the relationship. Do I wanna erase those thirteen years along with the five that came before that because its over? Hell NO, I don't! Do I feel like a failure because I'm divorced? Yes! A gigantic one! That's not the life I'd imagined for myself. How many of us are actually living the life that we'd imagined? Very few, I'd guess. But do I wanna get UNdivorced?! Hahahahahaha! Sorry, it just came out that way! The answer is No! Because it was ultimately the best thing that could have happened for us in terms of the way that we related to each other. That's what I mean by there's always some joy in the midst of regret. How the hell would one survive on the daily telling themselves, youre a gigantic failure because you're divorced, hmm? They wont. I wont. But I'm here, typing this, which means that I am surviving failures, however many. Im still here because thinking about what came out of that failure is better than constantly banging your head against the wall over that failure.
That's just one thing. I could go onnnnnnnn and on and pick out every piece of wonderful from every single thing that broke down in my life but I have to finish up here. And you have things to do too. I'm sure you can tell from my recent blog posts that I've been doing a lot of thinking, and less rambling, which probably comes from spending all of this time in my own company. Something I never ever enjoyed doing but I feel as though I wouldn't survive without it now. It had to happen and lawwwwwwd knows we need to take time to exhale! But timing? I'm not so much in charge of that as I am with ensuring that I make it a point to take the best out of whatever situation I'm being placed in.
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!
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