I had no idea that that would happen on this trip. But it has. In more ways than one.
BUT?!? I'm calm.
Frighteningly calm.
Even after my "so THIS is why I HAD to be here right now....." moment.
I thought that I was simply coming here to spend time with my daughter, in the place that she now calls home, since she left just over a year ago, and on more than one occasion, I caught myself wanting the same thing. To make it mine.
Especially now!
You might be asking yourself why? Why especially now? Well? I found out this week that I'll have a grandson or a granddaughter either at the very end of 2016 or just as the 2017 begins. My daughter is six weeks and five days pregnant and I'm filled with tons and tons of emotion as I type this. You have no idea! All shooting this way and that way, up and down. Joy and then worry, excitement and then sadness, and I end at the realisation that at the end of everything, I'm being blessed.
The biggest source of worry and sadness for me right now is that she'll be so far away. From home. From me! From me! From meeeeeeeeeeeee and won't be coming back to either have the baby or to raise the baby. Her job, her child's father, her life? Is here now. I'm honestly not unhappy about that part, simply because I have to make a choice between knowing what's in South Africa and what's here in Thailand, for them. I HAVE to be realistic and selfless about what awaits her as far as their future, in South Africa as opposed to where she has now settled. All good and well, her entire family, except for Lindsie, is back in South Africa. And yes, we're all bummed about the fact that so much distance separates us but she would be coming home to no job, to instability, to a country that on some level, we all wish we didn't have to be stuck in because it's future there is so uncertain. I can't be selfish. I won't.
Crazy thing is that I fell pregnant with her almost exactly a month before she did, at the same age, 21 turning 22 years old by the time that baby is born. I am grateful that I've had some time to spend getting to know her boyfriend. I've both heard and seen that he treats her well, and that they're settled in their relationship and talking seriously about plans for their future together. Her father, brother and grandfather will also have that chance soon.
Mannnn, I'm also so excited, because that's my grandchild, my very first grandchild and no further explanation is needed as far as that.
I'm very grateful too that my mum and I are here right now. That we were able to go with her to her first ultrasound and doctors visit on Friday and when I saw that white little dot on the screen?
Everything became real.
Everything is REAL now and I'm not even tryna focus any thought on the fact that before the week is out? I'm leaving both of them behind 'cause if I do. I would possibly drown in my own tears.
The fact that our grandbaby will only know us but so much? That's pulling harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd at my heart strings. Urrrrrrrgh? Seriously though? What is it about me and long distance things? Now I gotta have a long distance grandchild too!
Really?
I guess at this stage, all I can do is offer her as much support as I can, from home, and simply trust God's plans for this situation. One things for sure though, I'll be back here as soon as my grandbaby is born! MissionSaveLikeMyLifeDependsOnIt begins as soon as I get home!
This heat? My skin? I had to go to the pharmacy to get meds for that too! You don't get sunburned but if your skin is as sensitive as mine is? You're gonna break out into one big itchy rash.
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!
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