Decree of Friendship

Dammit!  Kept telling myself!  "Remember this dream!  Remember this dream!"  Woke up and promptly forgot!  I couldn’t have been dreaming about winning money, because I didn’t wake up depressed when I realized it was work today.  It couldn’t have been me running fast, slowwwwwwly.  I never ever forget those.  All I remember about my dream is that I was sleeping.  In my bed.  So the scene, where it happened and what I was doing?  I got that!  But that’s it.  And now I'm awoke, with no memory of what I did while I was asleep!  I just lost hours of my life that I'll never ever be able to talk about.  Or account for.  Right now, there's a drunk person reading this, mumbling, "It's as if you're describing me!  I feel so close to you right now!"  And I'm saying, "Come any closer and I'll anti-booze you so bad, you'll be holding your liver in your hand!"    

But it's alllllll my ex's fault!  Your eyeballs shot to the left!  I recognise that look of confusion!  When the eyeballs shoot to the left!  Dead giveaway that you haven't been divorced!  We all know that while you’re still married, it's more of a case of your eyeballs being shot AT.  A little advice though, from me to you?  You there!  Johnny walking crooked!  Keep drinking like that?  And you will be the ex!

You see?  When you're divorced?  It's okay to blame the ex for anything that goes wrong in your life.  It's in the decree!  Stated clearly!  Don’t…don’t make eye contact with me.

It states clearly..."With reference to paragraph 9 of Section 3, Point 7, anything that goes wrong in your life, is the ex's fault.  You've been through enough.  No need to carry unnecessary blame for when anything goes wrong in your life!"  They even put that exclamation mark in the end so that you know they're serious.  Like this!  And look at how many times they say, "When anything goes wrong in your life"?  Exclamation marks annnnnd repetition?!  Ay, you don’t have to convince me…twice!  So?  Guess who I'm cursing when I walk into the corner of a table!  “OOOUCH!  DAMN EX!  LOOK WHAT HE %&$#* MADE ME DO!”  Uhmmmmmm-M!  Don't talk about when I blowdry my hair and it starts raining!  “HE KNEW THAT I WAS ^%&^#&*# DOING MY HAIR TODAY!  NOW HE MADE IT RAIN!“  If your decree doesn’t say that?  Use the powers of your mind.  Rearrange the words…like.  I did!  Heh-heh-heh!

When you do that?  When you make it say what you want it to say?  You’re forging a relationship with the decree.  It then becomes more than just a piece of paper.  It becomes the soulmate you had to create.  Maybe a better word for that would be, papermate.  Sheets of flattened wood don’t have souls.  So, you create that relationship.  A take-take relationship.  Anything goes wrong in your life?  You TAKE out your decree and read what you want it to say.  You then TAKE the blame and throw it on your ex.

A plus to this?  Nobody gets hurt.  You’re feeling lighter.  Paper doesn’t feel…and your ex doesn’t even know you’re blaming him.  He/She just wonders why, more and more, they’re finding themselves bent over like the Hunchback of Notra Dame.  Even that’s easy to fix.  If they even begin to suspect that you have something to do with their newly-formed posture?  When they come by to fetch the kids and they’re complaining about sore, heavy shoulders and a rounding back?  Just stay calm and…suggest a chiropractor.  ‘Cause if you start with, “I never did anything!  I didn’t blame you for anything!  Why?  Why you looking at me like you wanna shoot at my eyeballs.  We’re not married anymore!”  Then you might as well just teach him how to blame you each time he looks at his copy of decree.  You’ve already let the cat out of the bag.  Just go all the way and tell him our secret, then delete my blog link from your computer and phone so he/she doesn’t know where you got such great advice from.