Winter Bias

Must a persons foot get itchy while cutting carrots at five in the morning with boots on?  Annnnnd Murphy?  Says, "Why, yessss!"  Nevermind that I did three washing loads, and it decides to rain >_< !  It's like when your eye itches after you've chopped up chillies.  And forgot.  But make a cup of tea?  Eye's are glossy and gleaming!  How did these become known as Murphy's Law?  Does anybody know that or who this person is that keeps making life so uncomfortable for humans?  And has someone thrashed him yet?  Don't all the Murphy's run and hide now, I'm not putting a hit out on you, per say.  But if we can't find the lawmaking Murphy?  It'll just be Murphy's Law that you were given that name.  Sommmmebody has to pay for all our burning eyes and itchy boot covered feet!  As embarrassing as it is to admit, I used to think, when I was very young, that shoes shrunk.  I never for a minute thought that our feet grew and that that was the reason our shoes didn't fit after a while.  Nobody told me otherwise.  But then again, I wasn't very vocal about it.  Thankfully.

And I now understand why some animals hibernate in Winter.  Why wasn't I born a bear?  It woulda been traumatizing for my mum and dad, ofcourse, but still.  These are my feelings we’re talking about.  Meanwhile?  We're not the ones covered in fur but they get to hide and go sleep for three months when it’s cold.  Hmmmpf!

Imagine it!  Stand up quickly.  Look a bit to your left, highhher...highhhhher, put your imaginative face on…now point as if you're pointing to somewhere far.  Okay, thatttttt's it.  Now we’re in character!  Imagine being able to just eat yourself into a coma?!?  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  What a life!  I would drink from chocolate fountains.  Eat two kilograms of pasta at one go!  An ocean full of grilled chilli prawns would be at my mercy…and I’ll have none…no mercy…not no prawns!  Eat twelve of those chocolate mousse cakes Russia brought when I was visited Geese!  Consume just crazy portions of my favourite foods.  Because I can!  And nobody will see me when all of that goes to my hips…but?!?  I shall sashay out in Summer after I’ve eaten my own fat while I was asleep.

That's what they do.  Hibernate is another word for coma.  For real!  I’ve researched it.  For real.  Because they eat and eat and eat and then just before they have that last humongous meal?  They push their trolleys full of Winter-Eve food from their forest grocery store, go and hide so that when they've eaten that last meal…eaten themselves paralyzed, they can just lay in that cave,  or wherever they went to "hibernate", burping and rubbing their tummies and then?  Fall into a deeeeeeeeep sleep.  Then their bodies feed off their own selves.  The fat selves of their body's.  By Summer time?  They’ve lost all of that Pre-Winter weight.  Then they walk around naked…fur all exposed and shit. 

If every species under the sun could do that, including us?  The universe would just be silent, for three months, except for the odd burp and random moan as you change positions.  But you won't know that you're changing position, 'cause you’re hibernating, comatically.  Annnnnnd here come the word police again! 

Officer of the word:  “Miss Rambler, we’ve let things slide up to now….but records show that you’re a repeat offender!  We’re gonna have to take you in.”

Miss Rambler:  “With all due respect, Officer?  I don’t moan when you guys just go around wasting letters.  Using them when we don’t even need to pronounce in words?  We could have had a few more words in the dictionary if you didn’t abuse the “h” or the “p” like you did!  Even the poor “t” ” 

(Sister Lynn jumps out of nowhere: “YES!  Tell’m…and I WANNA KNOW RIGHT NOW!  RIGHT NOW why there is a “p” in pneumonia!”)

Officer of the word:  “Weren’t you the one who told to my fellow lawman that you shouldn’t get a speeding fine because you were only driving at 120km/hr?

Lynn:  “Maybe.”

Officer of the word:  “Weren’t you the same one who was going wayyyyyy above that but then tried to pretend as if you weren’t?”

Lynn:  “m-maybe.”

Officer of the word:  “Should you be jumping out here and demanding things like this then?  After you insisted to him that you were going 120km/hr, only because you THOUGHT the speed limit was 120km/hr?  But then you had to quickly eat your words once he told you, “All well and good ma’m, but the speed limit is 100km/hr?”

Lynn:  “Was exercising…not jumping…I just happened to…jump, I mean exercise and start yelling about words and stuff near your’ll.  Funny huh?  That you guys were also talking about words.”

Officer of the word:  “Mmmmm-m!”