Directionally Challenged

Second to last day of the diet!  I've already bought my reward.  That's what you call, being proactive!  It’s sitting, petrified, in my desk drawer as we speak.  As you read what I've typed, I mean.  My head's stuck in clouds of cocoa while my feet dangle in a river of flowing chocolate right now.  It knowwwwwws.  HA!  My reward knows that soon it's going to be melted and have the life sucked out of it.  Better than being chewed into non-existence, don't you think?  And that's its job anyway, so I don't feel an ounce of guilt.   It gets paid to pose on a shelf, look delicious, be admired, hungered for and drooled over?  Until it's picked up, felt up, gently unwrapped and then....(insert own chocolate eating session ending here)!  I could think of worst jobs!  It's like a lingerie model with no feelings!  Or face.  Or breasts.  Or anything that I have!  All it is, is a Cashew and Coconut Cadbury Chocolate Slab!  And in two days, it's going to be a Cashew and Coconut Cadbury Choclate Slab that...was!  Like that kiddies story book!  The little something that was.  Can't remember now.  I know it was something that kids like and it moves.  Train or................................................................no? 

The Little Engine that Could!  Oooooooh man!  I was wayyyy off on that one.  :-{  Ay!  At least you know, I'm honest.  I’m looking at the backspace key right now.  I could've easily just hit it and acted like I got it right the first time!  It’s directing me to the left.  I’m sohhhhh bad at directions.  The worst!!  I’d accept directions though, gladly!  And with oodles of hope and confidence that my brain will react differently to street names and turns, this time.  But, I switch off after you tell me to take the second left turn.  Even if you didn’t tell me anything about a second left turn.  Whatever turn.  Turn down.  Turn straight.  Reverse forward!  After that second instruction?  I’m not listening to a worrrrrrrd you’re saying.  All I’m thinking about is why the hell did I agree to go to this place.  Thereafter, I’m just talking about, “Okay” and “So that’s after the second left turn, right?”  and “Thanks, I got it now!” ?  I’m mouthing those words just out of courtesy.  It’s always good to be courteous when you know you’re about to be lost.  Kind of a balancing out the feelings method!  I taught myself that.  Gimme a moment…jusssssss…okay!  Gave me a little pat on the back for teaching myself such a useful lesson! 

And I give them as well as I take them.  So, if you’re lost.  Don’t call me, don’t email me, don’t text me, no smoke signals, nothing because your status will not change.  There’s a huge chance that you will be worse off than before I gave you my version on how to get to where you're going.  I’m like a giant ad for why it’s essential to own a navigator.  Meanwhile?  On foot?  Overseas?  I’m a neon, flashing sign for how good a navigator can get!  But only if I’m walking with you.  On-the-job garmin.  Actions speak louder than my words when it comes to directions.  I just suck at directions.  L  That’s the cold, hard truth.  

We all can’t be good at everything.  I can drive.  Well.  As in very good.  I don’t need to know directions, very good, on top of that!  That’s why now?  I point blank refuse to drive to places I’ve never been.  And if I have no choice?  Then I drive to that place I haven’t been, very angrily!  Even the music gets put soft.  Hmmmmmm-m!  When the music gets put soft, you know!  She's angry!  Getting lost?  It’s just a spirit breaker!  Who invented getting lost?  I'm sure it was Murphy again!  Makes you sad and confused and believe that some giant, vicious animal is just going to come out of nowhere in the dark to attack you.  Doesn’t matter if you’re driving around a suburb!  Doesn’t matter if it’s daylight too! 

I should direct myself towards these carrots right now.  Rambling Responsibly makes me hungry.  I’d be lying though, if I told you that it makes me hungry for carrots. O_o!  Who gets hungry for carrots, in winter?  Only Bugs Bunny!