Today
is Thursday, 7 June. Awwwww, I
know. I know! You're so fortunate to have me around. And me?
I'm just as fortunate that my date is displayed on my phone, enabling me
to share such crucial information with you.
‘Specially when you haven't yet hung your 2012 calendar up because you
keep forgetting to bring it home from work and every morning you remind
yourself to remind yourself later to take it on your way out but you keeeeeep
forgetting to remember to remind yourself so it just becomes a vicious cycle of
reminders that you never remember and remembering what you forgot once you get
home only to find the spot you’ve reserved on your wall just for your calendar is
still empty!
Shewwwwww! That was a thumbful! Give. My thumbs. A minute....to catch their
breath! So proud of the way they've
learnt how to write and spell like this.
Annnd tell you the date!
Awwwwwww! You gotta be mindful to
always encourage your body parts when they're doing something right. You'd be half the person you are today if it
wasn't for them. So make sure that you
show them the appreciation they not only deserve, but that they've earned
too! Not to mention that they've stuck
by you through thick and thin, big ups to the hips, thighs and ass for
that...whoop whoop...in richness and poorness, through sinus and in
health...Til death do you part. And if
you've become an organ donor like I have, that last bit then becomes
literal! And I only did that in case one
of those 1 in 8000 people needed my right heart valve that actually should be
my left heart valve. It’s alright
though. Wrong sided valves and all, I’m still
a well oiled machine! Just like any
normal person! But I don't really mind,
not that I'd be able to protest, but I don't really mind if they use my
eyeballs too. I have exceptional
eyeballs. They're still round and
everything. Plus I'd be able to see when
I'm gone, which is rare but not impossible...if they use my eyeballs.
I
almost had a hernia believing that my eyesight had quickly become regressive
over these past three weeks. Driving
after the sun had set was feeling rather prickly. The road just looked darker than normal. Even with street lights. I began rationalizing it in my head about the
fact that I'm not 25 anymore and that maybe my eyes were the first to find that
out. I kept reminding myself to put my
night-driving glasses in my car and just like the calendar, they're yet to get
there! Mournfully, I turned my ageing
eyes to the moon for guidance! I was
grieving my lost eyesight. The moon
knows my way home. It's been following
me for years now. Just. Could.
Not. Accept that I was losing
vision so I took it out on the on-coming vehicles by cursing at them for having
their lights on. In the dark. That was until last Friday when Sean was
like, "You know one of your headlights aren't working!" Haaaahahahahha! That's what I did! I laughed.
And frowned at the same time. I
wonder how I looked, laughing and frowning?
My eyes couldn’t see me. But I
thanked him and told him how relieved I was that I wasn't going blind...every
night!
Never
occurred to me, once, that my car would be the one with ageing eyes. Who checks their lights anyway? Dunno about you but I've never started up my
car in the dark and then jumped out to inhale the beauty of its frontal
view! I just figured that cars had
everlasting globes. Hint, hint, car
makers! Everlasting globes would go a
long way into helping a person not to think that they're losing their eyesight
after 5pm everyday! I should sue,
someone. For three weeks of trauma.
I
know what their argument would be though;
Defendant’s
lawyer, “Are you telling me that you have never seen a vehicle with one
headlight out?”
Me,
“Is that a trick question?”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “It’s a question that will determine whether you had a right to be
traumatized when all you could have done was check that your headlights were
working!”
Me,
“Still sounds tricky.”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “I repeat. Are you telling me
that you have never seen a vehicle with one headlight out?”
Me,
“You say that like I’ve been telling you things, and I haven’t even greeted
you. Your Honour? Badgering the traumatized sue-er?”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “Ms Kell? Have you or have you
not seen a vehicle with one headlight out?”
Me,
“Like hanging out, or…?”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “Out! Not working! Off!”
Me,
“Supercalafragi….!”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “YOUR HONOUR!!!!!!!!!”
Me,
“Whaaaaat? I have nothing to say…unless
my lawyer is present!”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “Look, I’ve read your blog…and your lawyer is sitting right there!”
Me,
“Oh!“
Defendant’s
lawyer, “Have you seen a damn…sorry Your Honour…have you seen a vehicle with
one headlight NOT WORKING?”
Me,
“I’m not saying that I have or I haven’t, but if I did, I could have been
thinking that the car was load shedding.”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “Ms Kell, load shedding doesn’t apply to cars!”
Me,
“Are you sure?”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “Really? Ms Kell?!”
Me,
“Look, Eskom keeps saying things like the usage is too high and use lights
sparingly? So, if I did see that, it
would be me thinking…”Wow, what an obedient, considerate citizen!”
Defendant’s
lawyer, “It’s common sense that they mean electricity at home since vehicles
don’t use electricity!”
Me,
“What’s common is that these people caused me three weeks of pain…well not
painnnn pain, but heartsore pain, and trauma because I thought I was going
blind because they gave me a defective set of lights. And some vehicles do use electricity…geez,
where have you been?”
Defendant’s
lawyer rubs forehead, “Defective lights?
How old is your car?”
Me,
“7 years?”
Defendant’s
lawyer rubs forehead, “And someone told you that you wouldn’t need to replace
them at some stage?”
Me,
“I don’t know anyone by the name of Someone?”
Defendant’s
lawyer rubs forehead, “Good Lord!?”
Me,
“Awwwwwww....He’s the best!”
Defendant’s
lawyer rubs forehead, “Can you just answer the question? Pleassssssse?”
Me,
“What question?”
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